ChaseYng2005 Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 My boyfriend told me he can't love anymore because of his first love. Someone who broke his heart by cheating on him not once but three times. His first love dumped him for a woman. And eventually his first love ended up in jail and later dead. This was over 10 years ago..How will I ever help him to heal. Or will he never be able to love again??
Craig Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 How f*cking convenient! How do you compete with a dead, dumping, bisexual, excon?????? WTF is he doing with you then? Are you just his "comfort girl" there to satisfy his physical needs. Of course he'll be able to love again but the problem is that he wasn't really in love with his first "love." He was infatuated and in lust and the fact that she is now dead just makes it easier for him to put her higher on the pedestal. Think about it, if he truly loved his first "love" he would have wanted to see her happy even if that meant that she wouldn't be with him. And if he thought that she loved him then she would want him to be happy and find love even if she was dead. It's time to ask him some questions about what he thinks love is.
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Time to get him into therapy so he can work thru his issues with a counselor.
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 Craig..that's a good idea. I don't think he understands it. He is rather immature for a 31 year old. I don't have to worry about him going back to the ex for obvious reasons, but this dead person has a lock on his heart that I can't seem to break. He also has another ex that he hangs on to because of financial reasons who is still alive, but he says that if he were ever rich, he could break the financial dependency and marry me. I don't know what do... Anyone have any ideas on resurrecting the dead and winning the lottery?? I've played therapist SOOO many times, but it doesnt work. He drinks TONS and forgets easily.
cal gal Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Craig..that's a good idea. I don't think he understands it. He is rather immature for a 31 year old. I don't have to worry about him going back to the ex for obvious reasons, but this dead person has a lock on his heart that I can't seem to break. He also has another ex that he hangs on to because of financial reasons who is still alive, but he says that if he were ever rich, he could break the financial dependency and marry me. I don't know what do... Anyone have any ideas on resurrecting the dead and winning the lottery?? I've played therapist SOOO many times, but it doesnt work. He drinks TONS and forgets easily. OMG honey, stop wasting your time trying to FIX someone - and find a real man with real feelings that CAN love you.
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 It might be easier if he would break it off with me, but he still hangs on because he say's I'm his best friend and he doesn't want to live without me. He has even talked of suicide. When I did leave, he said all he did was sit around drinking and crying.
cal gal Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 It might be easier if he would break it off with me, but he still hangs on because he say's I'm his best friend and he doesn't want to live without me. He has even talked of suicide. When I did leave, he said all he did was sit around drinking and crying. Not really your problem... move in a more positive direction...
Craig Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I've played therapist SOOO many times, but it doesn't work. He drinks TONS and forgets easily. Honey, you can't fix people, they have to fix themselves. If he was making progress I'd say consider staying but it sounds like he is too heavily invested in a relationship with a dead person, drinking and being an energy vampire to waste your precious time (life) on. It's decision time.
Craig Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 When I did leave, he said all he did was sit around drinking and crying.Is that who you want to spend your time (life) with? Suicide? Shyot talk about manipulation. If he talks seriously about suicide again call 911 and get him into a hospital where he belongs.
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 I just want to know how can someone move on from a past relationship if they can never find resolution from the person who dumped them??? I could never just leave him in this state. I just have to remember to focus more on myself, but I can't just abandon my best friend.
Craig Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I just want to know how can someone move on from a past relationship if they can never find resolution from the person who dumped them??? I could never just leave him in this state. I just have to remember to focus more on myself, but I can't just abandon my best friend. Some things you can never get the answer to. Accept this. Ok, so you're co-dependent. Not a good thing, not a healthy thing. Get yourself into individual counseling about this. How could a best friend do what he is doing to you (with your ok of course) by manipulating you into staying with him?
Shattered Heart Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 It might be easier if he would break it off with me. Who exactly are you looking out for? It sounds to me you're not looking out for #1. It sounds like you want to break it off with him, but you're worried about his well-being if you were to do so. The real question is how would YOU feel if HE were to break it off with YOU? Either way, there will be pain, but you have to decide which side of the tracks you want to be on. You really shouldn't hold on to him merely because you're afraid what he may do to himself. Just from that one comment alone, it's pretty obvious that if you had the choice, you'd choose not to be with him. And that's probably the wisest thing you can do now. he still hangs on because he say's I'm his best friend and he doesn't want to live without me. Talk about confused. On one hand, he can't love another the way he loved his ex. On the other hand, he can't live without you. He's extremely confused. The best thing you can probably do to prove just how much he really loves you, is to take a break from him. I'm not saying break up, but if you give him space, he may eventually begin to miss you and recognize the extent of his own love for you, or he may realize the love may never measure up to how he felt for his ex. Either way, give him the space he needs to begin healing himself. And he can only begin to do that by seeking professional help, and by not having you in the picture. Plus, you should never have to play therapist. It's not your job. Nor should it be. The other option, assuming you don't want to take a break from him, is to strongly encourage him to seek individual counseling for himself, or couples counseling for the both of you.
Shattered Heart Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I just want to know how can someone move on from a past relationship if they can never find resolution from the person who dumped them??? For a handful of people, they never find resolution and, because of that, they never move on. For example, my ex co-worker's brother-in-law was dumped by his first love, and he has never been able to date since. That was over 25 years ago and he's still holding on to her, waiting for her return, even though she's married with kids.
Author ChaseYng2005 Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 Craig and Shattered, you guys have really given me something to chew on. I am certainly going to recommend him to professional counseling. Right now he is upset with me because I beat him in a video game. YES...I just beat him in a game and he hasnt spoken to me in a while.
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