ThumbingMyWay Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I have been here for awhile now and have seen alot of people go thru hell after an A. just curious how a few of you are doing? Fleafly Owl Sweetz Sylviagardian dazed anyone else I missed you guys still around? hows things?
SunnyFL Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 It's been almost 2 months since I found out about my husband's year-long affair. We have a 1 year old son and the affair started right after he was born. I cannot get over the affair and find that I do not like my husband much any more. He brought home an STD (curable) from the skanky OW and made me feel like I was dirty. I can't imagine ever having sex with him again and I'm not attracted to him now. I believe that his affair is over but I believe that he's capable of doing it again despite all his promises to the contrary. We have not been to counseling. I deserve better and have decided to divorce him. It's just a matter of time before I file. I hope the rest of you have had better outcomes.
silktricks Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 My H had an EA. It's been over for 2 years. I've forgiven him. He's forgiven me also for the negative stuff I pulled. We are doing well almost all of the time. We cleared up a lot of issues we both had but were not dealing with. It wasn't a good thing, but things are waaaayyyy better now (except for when I decompose on occasion.)
witabix Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I hope you all survive, whatever the outcome.
Owl Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Hey TMW- I'm still around friend. We've remained in recovery. I too feel like there are still some areas of our marriage that could be improved upon, but overall we're doing well. Having far more issues with dealing with our kids than we are relating to each other. I saw your thread on telling the OMW. I didn't have much to add, but I can relate to what you are going through. I think that your wife is still somewhat focused on OM...my wife went through that for about six months or so beyond our recovery starting. In your case, the A went on much longer and was a PA as well as EA...so I can imagine it's not surprising that she's still feeling anger and such over what happened. I agree with the advice you were given. If the reason to go to OMW is to 'get back' at OM, there's no point. I think you should convince your wife simply to drop it...and recognize that it doesn't matter what he does as long as he's no longer a part of your lives. Now...if YOU want to contact OMW to let her know what's going on in her marriage...to give her the same 'heads up' you would have appreciated, then that's another story. And I feel that she should be approached by YOU...not your wife. And basically you should fill her in on what happened with your wife, and what you have 'heard' is going on now. And then walk away and let her deal with it as needed. Back on my 'status'...I have to admit that I'm not the same person I was prior to the A. I'm a sadder, less-confidant person than what I was before. I am in the process of changing jobs now...to get a 'fresh start' for myself, and because my job performance is NOT what it was prior to all of this. But...I know that we'll make it regardless of what I'm doing for a living. Hang in there friend. Nice to hear from you again.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 Hey TMW- I'm still around friend. Hello Owl My wife and I are doing well also. Still have some issue though, but after an affair I think we will always have issues. Meaning, now that we communicate everything and dont hide anything, then theres always something we are working on, WHICH is a GOOD thing IMO. All in all, i am dong MUCH better than previous months. Had my bout with depression, did the meds thing and it didnt help much, but I have grown out of it so to speak. As do you, I too am not the same as I was. Her affair has brought my hidden self esteem issue to the fore front. Which again is a GOOD thing, so now i have to deal and work thru that, but its something I needed to do for a long time anyway. so things are GOOO, not great, but no bad either. Keep in touch still wonder how Sweetz, Syl and Fleafly are doing. so if you guys are still lurking, please stop by to say hello TMW
fleafly Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Hey everyone, nice to seem some of you still around, and i hope some or most of you are moving forward. Myself, well, where to begin. I have personally took the most self-destructive way in dealing with my pain, I just CANNOT rid myself of it. Its beenover a year now and it seems like yesterday. Cannot get these thoughts out of my head, still not sleeping but 2-3 hours a day, still going out to the bar as a way to try and bring someone home with me, lonliness is my downfall. Without someone to be with, I have turned to drugs and alchohol to help me through. I hate my wife for what I have become, and I am terriified of completely going over the edge. Its getting so bad that I have crack and meth addicts showing smphany for me, pretty scary. Ive also OD'd several times, this **** grabs on to you and will not let go. I did have a epiphany, and it just so happened to fall on Valentines Day. I ran into the OM. I know some will not agree on what happened next, but the satisfaction I recieved as well as the good night sleep that followed made it all worthwhile. I know I have not posted on here in awhile, and I would again like to thank all of you that helped me through a very dark time. And I am not glorifying the things I have done. At the very least I would hope that someone would read this and at least think twice before deciding to destroy their relationship over something so selfish snd short-sighted
Curmudgeon Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I'm one and... I can honestly say I've never been better. The ex's second affair (that I know of) was the "trigger" I needed to divorce her 12 years ago. I am now married to the love of my life, more financially comnfortable and stable than I ever was while with the ex and getting ready to retire in the next few years.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Its beenover a year now and it seems like yesterday. Cannot get these thoughts out of my head, still not sleeping but 2-3 hours a day, still going out to the bar as a way to try and bring someone home with me, lonliness is my downfall. Without someone to be with, I have turned to drugs and alchohol to help me through. I hate my wife for what I have become, and I am terriified of completely going over the edge. Its getting so bad that I have crack and meth addicts showing smphany for me, pretty scary. Ive also OD'd several times, this **** grabs on to you and will not let go. BROTHER FLEA... DONT NOT FALL INTO THE SELF MEDICATION TRAP. I smoke pot and like to drink too man, but I know my limits now. In the last year I have fallen out of a moving truck, got a concussion and this past summer I broke my foot. ALL AS DIRECT RESULT FROM ALCOHOL ABUSE. But dude, coke, crack, meth.....those are killers brother. Please Please Please dig deep inside yourself and get out of that rut. Go to AA or something. Get help. Over 1 year and you are still in pain and now using drugs to cope. Pick yourself up man, you are better than this and you know it!!!! I will pray for you
Chump64 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Wow, I just saw that post. Flea, have you seen your doctor? It sounds like you could really benefit from some anti depressants and some sleep medication. No woman (or man) is worth ruining your life.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Flea! Listen to Thumbs on this one. And if need be, go talk to someone about how you're feeling. And I hope you running into the OM let you have some closure. Keep posting, good to see you check in.
sylviaguardian Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Wow, great to hear from you all. Owl, Thumbs -sounds like you are doing good.Flea - I am so sad that things have turned out like this for you. If I remeber right you have a kid don't you? You sound like you are at rock bottom and I am hoping that you are going to start coming up again. You do need to get to AA pronto. Or go to your doctor's. Hard to believe that it is so long since I found out about my husband's affair (19 months). We are still together. Sometimes I feel we have made progress, sometimes not. I still don't trust him 100% and I know I never will. But then I will never trust anyone 100% now. There is still a long way to go with us and I don't know ultimately what the outcome will be but my kids are a big enough motivator to keep plugging on. Thumbs - like your wife I go through phases where I want to tell the OW's husband as he knows nothing. It angers me that she has no repercussions from her actions, especially as I know that she does not have any remorse for what she did. I can't ever rule out that one day I will flip and tell him. On the other hand, I feel there have been some positives for me over the last year. I am strong enough now to see that the affair was to do with my husband's personality rather than the fact that the OW was anything special. He has a lot of issues to sort out. I actually feel sorry for the OW sometimes now, as I can see that she is a fairly sad person with a dysfunctional marriage that she does not have the strength to leave. I feel stronger than that because when my marriage gets to that state, I will have no hesitation in leaving in. As a person I actually feel stronger than I did. I have done a lot thinking and realised that much of my self-esteem came from being in a secure marriage. When that was taken away from me, I had to find other ways and I feel like I am stronger in myself now. I have bonded incredibly with some of my friends over this and I appreciate the love of my children much more. My marriage is still not great but I am happy. It sounds crazy but when I found out all of this all those months ago, I thought I would never be happy until it was all sorted out. Well, it's still very rocky but I've found that my happiness doesn't depend on one relationship. Hope this doesn't sound boastful but I value myself much more now. I have realised that I am an attractive, capable woman, but much more than that I am a very NICE person and a good friend!!! Great to hear from you all. please keep popping in every now and again. I lurk a fair bit. Syl
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 As a person I actually feel stronger than I did. I have done a lot thinking and realised that much of my self-esteem came from being in a secure marriage. When that was taken away from me, I had to find other ways and I feel like I am stronger in myself now. I have bonded incredibly with some of my friends over this and I appreciate the love of my children much more. My marriage is still not great but I am happy. It sounds crazy but when I found out all of this all those months ago, I thought I would never be happy until it was all sorted out. Well, it's still very rocky but I've found that my happiness doesn't depend on one relationship. Hope this doesn't sound boastful but I value myself much more now. I have realised that I am an attractive, capable woman, but much more than that I am a very NICE person and a good friend!!! Syl that is just awesome Syl......gives me motivation too.
fleafly Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Hey all, thanks for the words of support, it really helped me through the day. Although I do realize the situation I have put myself in, I still find it unbelievably hard to figure out exactly how/why I could let things get to the point that they are now. i guess it was the only way I could find to help me through the days and nights. I have seen a therapist, as many of you know, I have tried antidepressants to help me with my depression and insomnia, Ive tried therapy to help me deal with the pain and anger, none of it helped. So I tried drowning my pain in alcohol and women, again to no avail. Although being with women did help with the sudden loneliness, it was unbelievablebly hard being on my own after being with my wife more than half my life, and being only 33 at the time. Ive been in relationships as well as ONS's. If I was in a relationship (the wrong word, really) the first sign of trouble I would be out the door, no questions asked, the last thing I needed was to deal with other peoples problems, very selfish, I know. Finally, my addiction. Sadly, this was and is the only thing that helped me deal with the pain Ive felt. I didnt mention my drug of choice, but its not any of the ones Matt listed above. Imagine the most sinister of all illegal substances and you will be on the right track. Its something that completely grabbed onto me, and Im having a hard time letting go, even after OD'ing several times. Even the thought of leaving my kids without a father is not enough to make me stop. I dont want anyone on here to pity me, Ive created this monster, and ultimately I will destroy it or it will destroy me. I guess I just wanted to bear my soul to you alll a little bit, maybe a story like mine will prevent at least one person from making the mistakes that I have made. Take care all-- flea
Owl Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Fleafly- I'd like to make a point blank observation, and while it may offend you, I feel that it's important that someone point this out to you. You do realize that your wife has absolutely nothing to do with your choices to resort to drugs and alchohol and bar-hopping, and all of the other destructive behavior that you are currently indulging in, don't you? The only person to blame when it comes to all of this is you. We're all faced with how we have to deal with the pain of our WS's betrayal...but YOU made the choices you did here...not her. Yes, she made a bad choice when it comes to what she did...and then she attempted to do what she could to make amends about it. And regardless of that, the choice to drink and drug and such was all YOUR making, not hers in any way. Sadly, I'm sitting here thinking of the example that you're now setting to your kids on how to deal with life's problems. When faced with a tough situation, run from it and use it to justify whatever behaviors you feel are appropriate. What a lesson for kids to learn. They COULD have learned that any problem can be dealt with. They COULD have seen their parents go through the most horrible thing possible...and come out of it stronger. They COULD have seen their father take the most painful thing he's ever been faced with, and handle it with strength and courage and love. But that's not the lesson they've learned. Sorry for being so blunt, but personally I can't see any other way to phrase any of this.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 Imagine the most sinister of all illegal substances and you will be on the right track. ahhh...that one. Addicts listen, but they dont here. I hope you do.... Even the thought of leaving my kids without a father is not enough to make me stop. ITS TIME FLEA. ITS TIME TO COME CLEAN. ITS TIME TO HEAL. LIFE DOESNT STOP AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU. I know your listening...but do you HERE ME? "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light" - Jesus Christ
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