whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 you always seem to show me the otherside so well. Thanks. You're welcome. And yeah it's good to see things from all angles to see the full picture. And I have to say, you always keep an open mind to any advice given to you, so that's great! I truly think that it would ruin OM wife emotionally and phsycoligically (given what I know or at least what I have been told about her). So in a sence, I would get my pride satisfied by telling and seeing OM in pain and squirming to save face with his wife and family. BUT I also know telling her would send her off the deep end, again knowing what I have been told about her. I see both sides of this, I mean she does have a right just because I think if the situation was reversed you would want to know...I think anybody would want to know as noone wants to be made a fool of. Though, her circumstances are different. A different approach might be to tell HIM to tell his wife, otherwise 'wouldn't it be awful if she found out another way...' and see how he reacts to that???? OH I know you would love to get him back. In some way, you've not had that closure with him. You've forgiven your wife, worked through all the emotions of what you had to deal with - But with him, they are loose ends...So, that also means no closure and that is why each of you could be feeling what you are feeling now. Your wife has had closure, but now, has that closure been a lie? Did he use her, disrespect her? In a sort of screwed up way - It would have been better all around if what happened between them meant something more than just 'sex.' You know what I mean...And as hard as this is for you to hear, it is probably what she is feeling. I have to commend YOU for dealing with this next phase as I"m sure it isn't easy to see her feeling pissed off and sad about the OM after so much time. Most likely we will not tell her, but as chump and others have said, I truly think my wifes pride is hurt now, with the info she has heard regarding this OM helping this new women in the office. Someone will spill the beans at somepoint. Maybe the next OW that comes along, who knows... OH and also my wife has mentioned how this new women in his office (who comes to her office location sometimes) has been talking about the OM and how funny he is and how nice he is......is just reinforces the pride factor in my wife, that she was played by this OM and that is what makes my wife angry...I think? So in a sence there is some jealousy on my wifes part...and that SUX to know that, after this long, she still does have some lingering feelings for OM......just SUX. It doe suck! And I hope your wife sees this and makes YOU feel better about it all too. If she can't handle it, she should go to one on one therapy to deal with those feelings...Not really fair to be talking and relying on you for that - Even though the honesty about it all is there, it still does put you in spot and must make you feel yuk! But on a brighter note, my wife is meeting with a placement agency to find a new job. Could come faster if you ask me, I think the sooner she gets out of the job she is in, the sooner she wont have to hear what the OM is up to. Plus the fact that she still deals with OM on business related issues via phone and email. BUT she reassure me it is strickly business, but there is always that fact the she is still in intermitten contact with him and untill it totally stops, In my opionion, she can never truley move on untill she has zero contact with him. I hope for that too. Would be best outcome so here's to hoping she gets that new job. BUT I have had no contact with OM, so my hatred (I realy hate to use the word hate) and anger gets projected to him mostly. as you said, it just seems that the OM/OW gets most of the hate I guess. You can fantasize about what you'd do to him. Or write out a long heated, hatred letter to him. Either write it here, all that you want to do and say to him, or do it in private - Then burn it. You have to for your own peace of mind and sanity DO something - Let it out otherwise it will eat you up. And godforbid you and the OM run into eachother and he makes a comment ... That could be a real bad situation right there....Many many months of anger built up - POW! ... Anyway, I have faith in you and you two will decide what is best.
RecordProducer Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I think my wife hearing this is makeing her realize the "lies" that were involved in there affair. Meaning, in the past she was still holding onto the notion that SHE was the only OW and he loved her and what they had was special, blah blah, the typical stuff the MW wants to believe casue they cant stand the truth that the OM just says what he needs to say to get his cake. I think my wife is finally realize she was taken advantage of my her exOMM and she is pissed off about now. You are talking as if you are her brother, not her husband! I don't see what your role is in all this anger game. It's YOUR wife that cheated on you. How she feels about her affair not being special is not your concern - it's rather the opposite. I mean, are you really hurt that it wasn't as special as she wished it to be? Aren't you hurt by the fact that she still cares about whether he loved her or not? You should be angry at your wife for cherishing these feelings and considering acting up on them rather than care about the OM and his wife. Leave them alone. You want to dig out old feelings? You are the one who got hurt here.. as I see it. I just can't believe this!
Ladyjane14 Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I've been thinking about "exposure" a good bit lately too. I posted on a thread just this morning about it as a matter of fact. But I'm in agreement with alot of the other folks who said it's probably too late to expose after a year. It would only be for vengeance at this point. This guy is still taking up too much of your energy, TMW. When you allow him to occupy your thoughts, you're letting him take something from you still.
BUTAFLY Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 it's probably too late to expose after a year. It would only be for vengeance at this point. I think telling the W when the A ended would have been out of vengence because feelings are fresh and painful. Waiting shows you had time to think things through and to calm down. I say let the Wife know about his new conquest @ work and back it up with your own experience with him. It was said in an earlier post:"Someone will spill the beans at somepoint. Maybe the next OW that comes along, who knows..." If we all take this attitude it will never stop. You have a wealth of information that she needs to know. who's to say that telling is punishment for their family. I've heard plenty stories on the marriage fourm that A was good for the relationship that it help the bs & H focus on what cause the spouse to stray in the first place. they worked on it and became stronger. Their are women who contracted STD's from H, H getting the OW pregnant, this is the Wifes life also give her the power to make her own decision on how she needs to handle her family. Staying silent and hoping someone else will 'spill the bean' thats just being cowardly.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 If we all take this attitude it will never stop. That was me who said that. And I am sticking to my original thought which was they should have told the OMW a year ago. I'm not against telling the OMW or OWH, it's just so much time has passed. It will STOP when people stop cheating on their spouses! I mean the OM could easily have told HIS wife, confessed to her too, but he didn't. I think putting ALL the burden on the BS is abit unfair.
BUTAFLY Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Caviot: all I know is what my wife has told me from what OM has told her. So with that said, who knows what the truth is, given it is 3rd hand originating from the OM (like hes gonna say his wife is happy and meet all his needs ) I can totally see why this OM does what he does. He doesnt have a wife who is outgoing, loveing, attrachtive, etc. He womanizies because he needs his needs met too. EXACTLT!!! this story hits too close to home for me. when i suspected my bf was cheating on me, i did a little diging and found out I was the OW. . I asked him why he did what he did and he said all the things this guy is saying to your wife and then some. Well one day I spotted this women and she was NOTHING what he decribed.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 This guy is still taking up too much of your energy, TMW. When you allow him to occupy your thoughts, you're letting him take something from you still. bingo LJ wife and i talked last night. we arent saying anything to OMW. were going to keep moving on this thread is done - thanks eva body
BUTAFLY Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 That was me who said that. And I am sticking to my original thought which was they should have told the OMW a year ago. I'm not against telling the OMW or OWH, it's just so much time has passed. It will STOP when people stop cheating on their spouses! I mean the OM could easily have told HIS wife, confessed to her too, but he didn't. I think putting ALL the burden on the BS is abit unfair. First off i would like to say I like WWISU and repect your opinions. however I don't see how knowing your H is purposly disrespecting you, the marriage, and potentially puting you in danger is a burden. So your saying being blissfulling ingnorant to your H's ways is best, just so you won't have the 'burden' to do something about it?
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 You've misunderstood me. I was meaning that the OM should spill it to HIS wife, that he was cheating. Not Thumbs and his wife keeping things from eachother. Each situation is different and right now in Thumbs situation, a year later, it may be too late to tell the OM's wife. Anyway, this thread is done, they've made a choice, the right choice for them and I support them. If you want to make another thread about this, go for it and we can talk on that thread.
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