She fell asleep on me...argh!

[ryan05]

Ryan--I went back and read some of your other posts, and there are serious problems in this relationship. You two really need some professional intervention, I think.

 

Get her to a good marriage counselor before it's too late. I suspect she may not know exactly what's wrong.

 

What are her parents like? Were they abusive to her as a child? Or completely opposite?

 

I realize there is alot of problems in our marriage. Councling is defintely right around the corner. She has just recently accepted that she'd go to counceling (breakthrough for me). Althoug she is very skeptical about it and thinks it wont do any good.

 

Her parents gave her a princess's upbringing. No abuse at all.

[ryan05]

Valentine's Day is hardly "out of the blue". Out of the blue would probably be defined as a random day when you both were into it.

 

If you're having marital issues, then that's the problem and valentine's day is just confusing the issue. It's not about last night, it's about falling out of sync with each other and whatever deeper issues you two have been struggling with. Last night was a symbol that however you have been working on them has not been working!

 

yes, "out of the blue" was the wrong choice of words. I guess I meant to say one day out of a the last 6 months. And what better day than Valentines Day. But yes you are right tho, my martial issues supercededs valentines day.

[blind_otter]

I realize there is alot of problems in our marriage. Councling is defintely right around the corner. She has just recently accepted that she'd go to counceling (breakthrough for me). Althoug she is very skeptical about it and thinks it wont do any good.

 

Her parents gave her a princess's upbringing. No abuse at all.

 

Reading over other threads, IMO it was unrealistic to expect a romantic evening, considering the current emotional climate of your marriage.

 

No offense or anything. But what DID you expect? Most women can't put their emotions aside just to make the beast with two backs.

[ryan05]

Reading over other threads, IMO it was unrealistic to expect a romantic evening, considering the current emotional climate of your marriage.

 

No offense or anything. But what DID you expect? Most women can't put their emotions aside just to make the beast with two backs.

 

 

Yes but let me explain something to you all.

 

4 days ago, my wife and I had a very good heart ot heart talk about our issues, this is when she admitted that maybe counclining was the way to go for us. She told me she would put in 110% effort and also promised me she would show me the love more often. Not sex, just showing that she loves me because she hadn't for a long time.

 

Since that day, things have been awsome. I know its a short time frame but things were already starting to look better. Even from 1 day to the other. I wont get into the details but I did noticed certain things already changiing in her moods and actions.

 

And this is why I thought Valentines day would be a perfect opportuinity for a bliss filled loving night. Maybe I was expecting too much...as I did admit to before, this is what I do not know.

[Kenyth]

Her parents gave her a princess's upbringing. No abuse at all.

 

Brother, do I know where you're coming from! Sometimes I think a Princess upbringing is almost as bad as abuse. With the effect it has on behavior at least.

[ryan05]

Brother, do I know where you're coming from! Sometimes I think a Princess upbringing is almost as bad as abuse. With the effect it has on behavior at least.

 

 

Tell me about it. I hear ya. When things get tough, watch out!! But thats a whole other can of worms.

[Becoming]

I'm glad she's agreed to counselling.

 

From what we know, which isn't her side of things, only her behavior from your point of view, here's a guy really trying to make a special evening of things.

 

All of her actions of late are perplexing. She's been treated like a princess, yet wants to come home because she can't stand being with them. She wants a baby, then can't have one so doesn't even want to be married. Goes out drinking with coworkers and you have to call her home. No wonder you're confused! Who wouldn't be?

 

Do you think maybe she saw sex as a way to conceive and now doesn't see the point? Is she thinking she's so deficient as a wife b/c of the conception problem that she's pushing you away to spare you the trouble?

 

Something's up around the whole conception issue, I think, issues that run very deep and are probably confusing to her as well.

 

Hooray to you for settiing up appt. for marriage counselling!

 

Keep making the efforts to tell her how much you love her. It may take awhile--especially if she is depressed, which would be understandable.

[blind_otter]

Brother, do I know where you're coming from! Sometimes I think a Princess upbringing is almost as bad as abuse. With the effect it has on behavior at least.

 

I dunno 'bout all THAT. Course I suppose it looks like just bitchy behavior to everyone. Except for the flashbacks and horrible relationship with parents.

 

Anyways, can I recommend that you interview a few different marriage counselors before settling on one? They aren't magical gurus and I've personally had some pretty bad damage done to me by a "licensed psychiatrist" who was sued by my parents insurance company.

[ryan05]

I'm glad she's agreed to counselling.

 

From what we know, which isn't her side of things, only her behavior from your point of view, here's a guy really trying to make a special evening of things.

 

All of her actions of late are perplexing. She's been treated like a princess, yet wants to come home because she can't stand being with them. She wants a baby, then can't have one so doesn't even want to be married. Goes out drinking with coworkers and you have to call her home. No wonder you're confused! Who wouldn't be?

 

Do you think maybe she saw sex as a way to conceive and now doesn't see the point? Is she thinking she's so deficient as a wife b/c of the conception problem that she's pushing you away to spare you the trouble?

 

Something's up around the whole conception issue, I think, issues that run very deep and are probably confusing to her as well.

 

Hooray to you for settiing up appt. for marriage counselling!

 

Keep making the efforts to tell her how much you love her. It may take awhile--especially if she is depressed, which would be understandable.

 

You are correct about the whole conception issues.

 

Quick history for ya...she wanted children real bad pre-marriage. I want to get get married first. So we get married, and according to her now, the big reason for her marrying me was to get to having children. Then comes the trying to have children chapter of our life. Over 2 years later, still no success. This was about 9 months ago.

 

This is a quote from one of our talks. I didn't like it, but at least she was honest with me. She says that if we cannot have children, she doesn't know if she wants to still be married to me.

 

I said, excuse me!, what does that mean? I mean were high school sweet hearts for christ sakes, this is news to me. And then she told me she is confused and really doesn't know what she's thinking.

 

I told her that's not cool at all. I will not sit here for the sole reason of being a sperm bank. I cannot and will not put up with that. I really put my foot down. One thing led to another and she said that she'd really honestly try to be a better wife to me. But still the fact that she said that to me was kind of alarming.

 

BTW...this thread is morphing rather quickly.

[ryan05]

I dunno 'bout all THAT. Course I suppose it looks like just bitchy behavior to everyone. Except for the flashbacks and horrible relationship with parents.

 

Anyways, can I recommend that you interview a few different marriage counselors before settling on one? They aren't magical gurus and I've personally had some pretty bad damage done to me by a "licensed psychiatrist" who was sued by my parents insurance company.

 

 

thats what I was going to ask. I do not know the process of how to pick out a marriage counselor. Any suggestions.

[blind_otter]

Well I think with therapists, prior to your first appoint sit down and organize your thoughts. What are your issues (clearly)? Where are you now? Where do you want to be? Do you have any idea how to get there?

 

Once you've established this, ask for information about the counselor's therapeutic philosophy (what methodology do they base their treatment plans on), about the kind of process they envision, previous experience with your SPECIFIC issues (like, a person with PTSD isn't going to go to someone who treats people with depression, mainly). See how you feel about it, and be critical about whether it would be a good fit or not.

 

Talk to a male and a female practitioner to see whether one of you responds better with either sex. I tend to do better with male therapists, myself, but I'll settle for a woman if I can't find a man in my area of interest.

 

YOU are the consumer, so you are in charge. Ya know?

[Kenyth]

I dunno 'bout all THAT. Course I suppose it looks like just bitchy behavior to everyone. Except for the flashbacks and horrible relationship with parents.

 

Anyways, can I recommend that you interview a few different marriage counselors before settling on one? They aren't magical gurus and I've personally had some pretty bad damage done to me by a "licensed psychiatrist" who was sued by my parents insurance company.

 

 

I made a purposeful overstatement in sympathy with the guys plight. My particular princess had a daddy who left, which I think adds to the attitude.

[JamesM]

Kenyth, I like what you posted when you ranted. Sex is when she wants it if we behave properly..and there is no headache or stress. As you can see, I don't get it often. But, I want mutual satisfaction not selfish sex.

 

Ryan, I understand where you are coming from. The only thing I could give slight criticism to (since I have been dealing with the lack of sex also) is that your post gives a bit of a "she didnt't fulfil my needs" statement. If she caught that same drift, the gifts you got her could make her feel like a whore...makes them seem like a payment. My wife wants spontaneity...I want to plan it. The two have rarely met.

 

The last post mentions that she has wanted children and you can't (so far) have any. This may be part of the problem. This is something to investigate with a counselor ... or with her.

 

I hear you when no sex becomes a problem. The guy feels trapped in a relationship with no control over the future. At least being single, he could go look for it. Now, he must wait for her. He must try to please her to turn her on. If he doesn't succeed, tough. There are no other alternatives.

 

Now that I have "ranted," I must change this a bit. I hear so much that you have a right to sex...I don't disagree...but in a marriage, it should be about mutual pleasuring of each other. It should be about her wanting to show her love for you, knowing that you will be showing your love to her, and neither of you will be expecting satisfaction. This way both will be getting it. If you or she wants sex for selfish pleasure, the other party feels cheated. This is something to consider.

 

My suggestion is also counseling. But I would add doing things for her...as opposed to getting her things...without any expectation of anything. This will quicker lead to her wanting to show gratification for what you are to her.

[ryan05]

Kenyth, I like what you posted when you ranted. Sex is when she wants it if we behave properly..and there is no headache or stress. As you can see, I don't get it often. But, I want mutual satisfaction not selfish sex.

 

Ryan, I understand where you are coming from. The only thing I could give slight criticism to (since I have been dealing with the lack of sex also) is that your post gives a bit of a "she didnt't fulfil my needs" statement. If she caught that same drift, the gifts you got her could make her feel like a whore...makes them seem like a payment. My wife wants spontaneity...I want to plan it. The two have rarely met.

 

The last post mentions that she has wanted children and you can't (so far) have any. This may be part of the problem. This is something to investigate with a counselor ... or with her.

 

I hear you when no sex becomes a problem. The guy feels trapped in a relationship with no control over the future. At least being single, he could go look for it. Now, he must wait for her. He must try to please her to turn her on. If he doesn't succeed, tough. There are no other alternatives.

 

Now that I have "ranted," I must change this a bit. I hear so much that you have a right to sex...I don't disagree...but in a marriage, it should be about mutual pleasuring of each other. It should be about her wanting to show her love for you, knowing that you will be showing your love to her, and neither of you will be expecting satisfaction. This way both will be getting it. If you or she wants sex for selfish pleasure, the other party feels cheated. This is something to consider.

 

My suggestion is also counseling. But I would add doing things for her...as opposed to getting her things...without any expectation of anything. This will quicker lead to her wanting to show gratification for what you are to her.

 

thanks James, those are wise words you've just said. I agree with everything you've just said.