Kengne Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Can you do it? Have you done it? How did you handle it? Old & younger folks alike? Personally I've never done it, but I'm running into more & more guys with kids and I go because 1) I'm only 22 and I don't have any kids and 2) I don't relish the idea of baby momma drama - but maybe that's just me. What are your thts/ideas? K.
blind_otter Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I'm 26 and previously had a rule that I would never date a dude with kids just b/c of whatyou stated - baby mama drama. I recently broke up with a dude who has an 8 year old son. We are currently in an ambiguous state (don't know what we're doing). His son is fine. In the beginning he was very smart ass with me and I abrogated responsibility. I'm not his mom. He's not my responsibility to raise. We got along ok, though, and he still asks to hang out with me. It was difficult dealing with the mom, though. She was just weird about everything. Like, after I had broken up with my ex, I was at his house having yet another talk. I had stopped by for a bit after work. She made up a random excuse to come over unannounced and tried to walk right into his house to meet me. I was weirded out. I mean, he and I broke up and she wants to meet me? Why? She was curious, I think, but in otter's world you call before you come over. She has also called my house a few times, trying to get me to gossip with her or something, asking me questions about how her exH is doing. I told her to ask him herself. My experience? I wouldn't date a dude with kids again. Just my feeling on the subject. If I had kids of my own it might be different, but I don't.
alphamale Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 when you sign-up for a relationship with someone who procreated already you also sign-up for a relationship(s) with their offspring. The majority of relationships are already hard enough to keep going when children are not involved. Throw some kids into the mix and chances are it will make it even more complex and harder. More variables = more potential problems. Good luck alpha
NTB Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 i dated a female w/kids.......too much drama from the kid's dad and from the kid and sometimes her too. i am staying away from mothers and their test tube babies
Touche Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I have loads of experience in this are and it's not just the kids you're throwing into the mix, it's the ex. It's not for the faint of heart. That's for sure. And even though, I have a successful marriage with a man who did (still does obviously) have a child when I met him, (broke my own rule there), I DON'T recommend it. I really don't. It was tough going until it worked. Takes years and it's only for the VERY mature. Not saying you're not but if you can avoid it, DO. These types of relationships have an even higher failure rate than ones where there are no children involved.
alphamale Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I have loads of experience in this are and it's not just the kids you're throwing into the mix' date=' it's the ex. [/quote'] I know single women with kids who, when they go out to meet men, go out of their way to hide the fact they have kids just so they can get a date.
Touche Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I know single women with kids who, when they go out to meet men, go out of their way to hide the fact they have kids just so they can get a date. I don't doubt it at all. And it's sad but I can completely understand someone NOT wanting to date someone with children. Very few people can handle it.
blind_otter Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I know single women with kids who, when they go out to meet men, go out of their way to hide the fact they have kids just so they can get a date. Haha, my ex did this. I didn't know he had a kid until after the first time we slept together. THen I was like, oh s***. Here we go....
Touche Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 You made me laugh otter because on our first date (I guess he wanted to get it over with) my husband pulled out a picture of his son. I said "Oh, he's adorable" But I THOUGHT "Oh, ****..here we go.."
Anyways Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I am 25 and have a 5 year old son from a 5 year relationship. I broke up with him and left him bc he is too much of a loser for me and he is another baby I had to take care of. I fell out of love for him. Right after we broke up, he ran to the first girl that liked him and she actually had liked him from the beginning even when we were together. Our relationship was not healthy at all. I graduated college when I left him and I have a great job and a lot of things going for me and also lost a lot of weight. I was in touch with a lot of friends again and I had my life back. I was the happiest ever away from my baby's daddy and I am still very very happy. Leaving him was the best decision I had ever made. It is hard being a single parent and my I'm lucky enough to have great family that help and support me. Anyways, there were a lot of drama in the beginning bc my ex would run from me to her. He would try to get me back but how can I? He was already messing with her and I also know her. I tried to give it a chance with him bc we have a kid but I just couldn't bc there was no trust and I really can't picture myself having a happy life and marrriage with him. So, from time to time...he would try to kick it to me still. He would flirt with me and try to kiss me and try to fondly me all the time (especially since I lost a lot of weight he was tempted). I didn't tell her at first but every time I called him bc my son wanted to speak to him or I needed money...she would assume the phone call was to be tricky and to sneak back into his life. Basically, I think she was assuming bc he was making her think something and lying about things bc he was actually guilty of trying to get back with me. I told him to stop or I'll tell her. Now, they are happy and I'm happy for them but it did take a lot of growing up to do on his part. I told him that if he didn't make it work with this person, he would keep having babies with so many gfs. I told him to actually grow up bc you don't want what happened to us happen to you them. He just had a baby with her and I believe he changed from her perspective. For me, he is still not good enough and as long as she is happy...that's great for them. Eventhough, we are not together, we remain civil with each other for our son. I am very close to all his family and still remain in contact with them. Right now, thankfully, there is no drama. My son visits his sister (my ex's new child) and I'm fine with it. In between all of that, I've met a great man who I am sad to say I am no longer with for mutual reasons and we are still friends. This man is the best thing that ever happened to me and he loved my son. My ex bf was a better father than the real one. My son didn't affect our relationship at all. Eventhough I have a child of my own, I also don't want to have a bf that have children...if I could help it. Why? Bc of my ex. Bc no matter how I much I said NO....he wouldn't stop and he kept on trying to be with me and harrass me and touch me. I even wanted to say he would try to rape me at times. He is just very aggressively and I guess he gets turned on when I say no. It is hard for me to trust someone with a child...especially in the first few years bc of what my ex bf tried to do. Luckily, he's not like that anymore.
Anyways Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I would like to add that it depends on how the relationship was before the child was involved to know if you could trust a man with a child. Having a child together does give a different bond between two ppl that not anyone can replace especial if they were together for a long time. You have to make sure they the person who was dumped had enough time to heel before they move on with you. It is also sad to say that there are baby mama's out there who won't let go of their exes and are very manipulative with hidden agendas bc I have friends like that. They try to fake it and pretend that is not the case but I know them and they do it. I am not like my female friends at all and I know I have a lot more to offer that is why I am not held up. Some single parents that have a child early end up not progessing in life and they are the ones that tend to be clingy with their baby daddies. Just remember, if the woman left him and sacrificed being a single parent when the child was still young....he must be loser. If she couldn't find a reason to stay with the father of her child, there is a huge reason for that. Again, not everyone is the same. It really depends....
alphamale Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Just remember, if the woman left him and sacrificed being a single parent when the child was still young....he must be loser. most of the time when a younger woman has a child the father is a loser.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I have done it, but I would not do it again. It has nothing to do with the child - he was a wonderful little guy. It's just that when things start to sour between you and your partner, the kid gets caught up in that...and then you leave, and he/she gets his/her heart broken...and you have to live with the fact that you caused that, at least to some extent anyway. It sucks...one of the worst feelings in the world - on top of breaking up, no less. I just can't go through that ever again. Ever. The next kid in my house will be mine.
alphamale Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I have done it, but I would not do it again. It has nothing to do with the child - he was a wonderful little guy. It's just that when things start to sour between you and your partner, the kid gets caught up in that...and then you leave, and he/she gets his/her heart broken...and you have to live with the fact that you caused that, at least to some extent anyway. It sucks...one of the worst feelings in the world - on top of breaking up, no less. I had a buddy who dated this woman for 2 or 3 yrs and got very attached to her daughter. When they split up he didn't miss the mom but he did miss the kid a lot. It was quite painful for him...
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I had a buddy who dated this woman for 2 or 3 yrs and got very attached to her daughter. When they split up he didn't miss the mom but he did miss the kid a lot. It was quite painful for him... It happens to the best of us.. I miss my StepDaughter every day .. All part of dating someone with kids.. I'd do it again.. I made a real impact on that childs life and she is who she is today partly because of me
witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Interesting thread. I have kids, adults now, no contact with their Mum. They live in different countries too. I am in regular contact with them. Does the same apply here, to women? I don't think I could get involved with someone with young children, and or a recent divorce/seperation. I have no experience of this but this thread certainly backs up my general feeling on the subject.
blind_otter Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 For me this only applies if children are within physical reach. Even so I still see my ex's kid regularly. Which gives my ex numerous opportunities for cuddles and hanging out with me.
2friendly Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 It depends on the relationship he has with the B-momma, they usually do try to get with their b-momma. Think about this: why couldn't he work things out with their b-momma, this might be a sign of character flaw on the man's part. Find out if this is the case or not. Make sure he doesn't have any Drama by keeping it friendly with no sex until he really proves his self to be serious about you(I recommend 6 months). If he thinks you're easy he will place the b-momma above you and that's when the drama will begin. If he can hang in there and wait for your relationship to grow before tryin to get physical he may be serious. Otherwise, you might find out that you were just an easy quick fix to get his mind off his drama. Be smart, Friendly
amerikajin Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I am only referring to myself...I can't tell others to avoid dating women or men with children. Just be very careful. I would take the relationship very, very slowly. I would also be careful to avoid entering the child's space even more slowly. I would not be a regular fixture at his/her house until the relationship between you and your partner have become solidified. And then I would very gradually ease into the relationship with the kid. Don't force anything. If he/she wants you to back away, then back away. Be very understanding of the situation and the emotions the kid might be going through.
AmItheOne Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I am a single mother...have been since the ripe old age of 19...it wasn't supposed to be this way for me...I graduated high school with honors and a scholarship to a good college. It took me 3 years to get child support, so I worked full time, lived on my own and took care of myself. When my daughter was 3 I moved us 300 miles from home so that I could realize my dream and get my degree. My daughters father died in a car accident my senior year of college, so even though she didn't really know him (had only met him 3 times) she knew what death was...and to top it off, we were denied social security benefits...so I marched on, working full time, going to school full time so that we could pay the extra bills and I could still finish my degree. Happily, I now have a great job and can take care of the two of us without a great deal of struggle. I dated a man for over a year and he was very anxious to get to know my daughter, after about 6 months, she was calling him "dad"...when he left three months after her biological fathers death...she was a wreck. I have been dating a man for almost 2 years now, and I am very careful with how they interact...I refuse to make that mistake again! I think its sad that it is so hard to meet good men just because you have a child...I have a lot going for me and I will not excuse the fact that I decided to be an adult when I got pregnant and didn't run away like a little child like her father did...I didn't take the easy way out. I have also dated men who have children and I honestly don't have a problem with it...they seem to be more understanding of just how busy you are being a single parent.
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