licorice Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 hey guys, me & my guy of 3 years split up 2 month ago now, I miss him like hell, I dream about him every single night & it's killing me, I wake up with him on my mind & cringe at the fact it was MY fault again that I got dumped...heres the story... we went out for 3 yrs & he asked me out after being besotted with me, he adored me & I was his everything, he lost his virginity to me & I couldnt feel more special to him, I did everything for him, at first yeh I had a life but then I started getting so comfy with him I wanted to see him at every chance that I cud get.when we first started going out he was an angel, so quiet and shy, he was sweet and hardly had many friends, just his immediate ones he hung out with at high school, I loved his family, his mum adored me, I loved his house, the area he lived in, I was friends with his sister in law, we did everything together,I knew everyone in his family it was fantastic I thought 'this is it' about it into the second year. We had our down sides yeah, I was very shy, I found it hard to socialise with his friends, when we went to parties and when his whole family were around, he knew I was unconfident and shy, so thats why after going out for so long I thought he actually accepted me for who i was and loved me. I had my insecuritys, although he treated me like an angel, he had a girl mate I was paranoid about, he would discuss sex issues with her that he once had a chat about how anal can be pleasureable and how she finds it turns her on, I was once pissed about this because its not the sort of thing i wanted him to chat about with some other girl, he wud compliment her and wink at her on the internet and talk about her a lot, yet i never got to meet her, and when i wud ask to go and meet her with him when he wud want to he wud say 'why? u dont know her' so i got insecurities every now and then, here are the many i had...1.i found he had been looking at porn 2.he neevr invited me out to any nights out although they had women out too 3.he wanted to move in with his male friends instead of me after 2 YEARS of dating 4.he would say things in the heat of the moment like 'if the relationship ends '**** happens' and 'its not like were getting married or anything' which made me feel the relationship was pointless and wouldnt ever go anywhere 5.his mates would talk about shaggin someones mother and ask him if he would in front of me 6.i made it known i was annoyed about ANYTHING 6. i didnt take the subject of other women too greatly 7.i would cause an argument out of something i have let build up inside of me instead of confronting it first thing, therefore causing me to be unable to explain what i mean properly and sound like a fool and end up wanting to back down 8. i would back down in arguments all the time and let him win 9. i became dependent on him cause i loved him I werent THAT bad, i just wantd a serious relationship with him, he adored me even when i had done this bad thing or done that bad thing, we shared a great sense of humour and cud make up a silly story together out of nowhere, I thought we had it all, we were best friends, he nearly broke up with me a year ago saying he doesnt think im right for hm cos im too quiet and he wishes i was louder and more sociable, this upset me and he would moan about me sayin i need to get a job and sort myself out, he ended up givin me a chance & sayin he never wants to let go. we went out happily for a year after that, went on holiday together, i was a bridesmaid for his family, and i thought he loved me so much, i still had my insecurities but he always gave me reason to feel that way, all i did was confront it and handle it wrong or take it the wrong way. He ended up telling me im the only one for him, and what we have is fantastic and he never wants to let go, after that i knew it was for real,. he got back and we loved each other all over again, but things went down hill from there, he took less notice of me, he never made an effort, he wouldnt be bothered if i slept over or not, he made friends with a whole lot of new people through his work mate and we went out drinking a lot and suddenly he was this whole new confident person with great drinking buddies, id feel isolated when we wud go out, id try and make an effort but he wud make me feel lost. My insecurites got worse cos he wernt proving to me what he said about me being the one was true.then at christmad outta the blue he dumps me, tells me im not the girl for him, im too shy, too unconfident, i always look miserable and hes changed, and i never have, he thought that after 2 years that i would change!!! and thats why even though he knew what i was like he still said it anyway! how could he!!! well we didnt see each other a week after that, he txt me sayin we shud meet for a drink and chat, we ended up doing after i tried playing the 'cool' card, i got all dressed up and wore his favorite perfume, we got on like we did back in the good day,ended up snogging, going for a walk and he said he is sorry for not makin an effort, he told me all my faults, my insecurities and how it annoyed him and eventually he resented me and it pushed him away, he said if we wer to get back together it wud have to be great and we wud stop the arguments and i wud learn to deal with my insecuritys, i agreed...oh boy was i willing, we agreed we were 'seeing' each other to take it slow, we saw each other that following week and slept together, had a chat but he still seemed distant and said hes scared and wondern wether its for the best. we still agreed we wer seein each other the next week, but when it came, he avoided me online, blocked me so he wudnt talk to me, denyed it sayin hell let me know if he busy or not, but never does and ends up saying' sorry if u wanted ot see me i aint in the mood, see u if ur out on friday' i went out that friday, and we got on great....snogged i thought i was in there, til he got a txt from a girl sayin ' i love u' cos i was very drunk i got pissed and stood away from him lookin annoyed, he pulled me to one side and said 'this is exactly what i cant deal with!!' he stormed off and i cried my eyes out, got kicked out of the club and we had awkwardness like we always did when i got upset over something silly, he said 'wer not even going out yet we are kissing!'(although he initiated a kiss himself!!) we ended up walkin back to mine and i cried my eyes out telling him how much i miss him and im just upset, he looked at me with passion and snogged my face off, tellin me he wants to give things a proper go and not let me go cos he cudnt handle it, we went back to mine, had sex and agreed to chat the next day, he sounded so willing, he denyed he was drunk ( he wasnt) we chatted but he said we shud stop havin sex as its moving too fast, i told him NOT to mess me about anymore cos i cudnt handle it and he agreed we shud sort stuff out, but after that, he avoided me online, avoided meeting up to discuss it i ended up txtin him to meet up, i tell him i feel he is stringing me along and he tells me 'i dont want to get back with u, i dont want to be in this relationship anymore and we shud move on' ¬!!!! what the hell! I cried tellin him i think hes an a**h*** and i loved him so much and i was willing to make the relationship 10 times better than it was, i wud make more an effort and be great, dam i wish i adnt started that argument wen we went out! i hate myself for it! cos now i aint spoken to him for 3 weeks or seen him and im officially out of his life forever, all that stuff about me bein his best friend and the only one for him, how the hell cud he just change his mind so much?! i thought i was gona be with him forever, how can i move on from this?! im gutted! its all my fault!!!!! now i feel sick when i think about him going out all the time, he has changed so much, hes now ultra confident surrouned by 'the perfect women' that i never was, i was a great person yet didnt quite cut it cos i was 'insecure and shy' why on earth am i never good enough for anyone?! im the only girl he has ever slept with now i feel sick with worry that hes gonna start sleeing round with other women, the thought makes me want to die.
Walk Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Hey... the relationship ending wasn't your fault. You're taking on WAY too much of the blame here. He played you, turned everything around to be your fault, and made you believe it. You had every right to feel jealous and insecure over his friend "the girl". Any man who won't introduce you to his friends who are girls is hiding something. True, honest men, who are committed to the woman they are dating do not hide their other girl friends from their SO's. They don't. His talking to her and refusing to allow you to meet her consitutes cheating, even if it is only emotionally at that point. He felt attractive when around her, and that's why they flirted together. Let me state again. YOU did NOTHING out of the ordinary, or that could be considered bad enough to end your relationship. Where you went wrong is your communication. You definitely need to work on that. Buy some books, search the interenet, but learn everything you can on it. Especially differences between how men and women communicate. It will help you in the future. The other area I feel you may have made a bad decision is be allowing him to overstep your boundaries. You felt he was being disrespectful to you by discussing other women, and sex with other women, either in front of you, or telling you about it later. (In my opinion this is highly disrespectful) Yet when you confronted him about these issues you ended up backing down, and in essence gave him permission to continue this behavior. After he had "won" these arguments, he lost respect for you because you backed down. He didn't even comprimise with you. He didn't modifiy his behavior any, in fact, the way you describe it, it got worse. I know you don't want to hear this, but you can do much better then this guy. You're hurt and feel rejected by him, but he was right. The two of you grew apart over time. When someone comes into a relationship as a virgin, and unexperienced in the world, after a while they start to feel like they are missing out on things by being with just one person. This isn't your fault. You didn't trap him, or make him stay, it was his choice. But the way your post read, it sounds as if you gave him confidence in himself, and taught him that he is desirable and wanted, and 'now' he feels ready to experience more. It's human nature, and there wasn't much you could do about it. On the one hand you could look at it as something great you have given him. Confidence and strength to feel he is a desirable person. On the other hand, you did not receive the same from him. What you were given was a lot of reasons to mistrust him, feel jealous and angry, and then have the blame shifted back onto you. He did not give you as much as you gave to him. I hope you can see this at some point. For all his words of love, his actions did not, and do not, show he loved you. And the entire time, he decietfully turned the blame onto you. You have every right to feel insecure and shy now. He gave you no reason to feel confident, accepted in who you are. He hide people from you, disrespected you regarding other women, and then strung you along so that you could continue to boost his ego. You are not to blame for the failure of the relationship. Please take this as truth. What you must do now is figure out how to become that strong, confident person you were meant to be. He's damaged yours self-esteem, but it isn't irrepairable. Don't contact. Set goals for yourself. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you see yourself at 6 months from now? A year from now? How can you make your life better? And not by having a man in it, but things that will improve you as a person. You're ex was not a good man to you, and it will take you time to see it... but you will see that eventually. I think you need to show him he can't play you anymore, stick to your guns, and enforce no contact with him. Show him that you are to be respected, and you will not allow him to walk on you any more. Good luck licorice. You gave far more then you recieved. But it's your turn now. And the break up should be a wake up call to you, to work on your communication, and your boundaries. It will be easier for you to do this without him continually skewing the picture.
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