calm_rage Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Alright, this is my first time posting but here it goes: My boyfriend (lets just call him L) just started a new job, his first one since we got out of college. He always worked through College and his parents are pretty rich so he had alot of money saved up... The people he worked for at first seemed really nice, his boss seemed pretty strict, but whose boss isnt? Anyway, I gradually noticed L was getting really tense and he was pretty upset when he got home from work. Eventually I got it out of him that his boss and the boss's son were treating him pretty badly. His boss threatened to hit him when L spoke at the same time as him (I mean, thats taking it a bit far) and started to call him names, he even spat on him. I got a call when I was at work and L told me he had just walked out. His boss was being horrible and he just couldnt handle it anymore. I was expecting it, but L was really upset. We had moved out together 3 months before this, but money isnt a problem so I wasnt worried as I have a full time job. Now, he is looking for another job but his spirits are so low. He has no real faith in himself that he can get another job in the field which he wants to work in, but I do because he is qualified. I keep trying to cheer him up, I mean I know and he knows no employer will hire him if he looks like he has no point in being there, but Im not going to say that cos it will make things worse. I just dont know what to do. He doesnt need the money, but he does want to work for a living and not depend on his parents or anyone else, which I admire. He is going for a job interview in 2 days and it would be perfect but how can I get him to cheer up? He is upset that I go to work every day and he sits at home looking for jobs all day. This is putting a bit of a strain on our relationship because he thinks I care about him not having a job when I really dont... HELP!
d'Arthez Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 That is really a tough issue. It seems that your boyfriend took a serious battering of self-esteem on his last job, which results in doubting his abilitiy. There may be a bit more to it. Thus is often not easily cured, or ignored. As you said, it is not the joblessness that is the issue. It is the 'failure as a man' because of not having a job / being independent that is the issue, which he thinks is important to you as well, despite your explanation it is not (which perhaps even has a negative effect on him, because it somehow reconfirms in his mind that he is not a man). You can try to cheer him up, but I am afraid that will not work. He seems to be very occupied with the idea he has of himself, and that aspect of him seems very resistant to positive change right now. I would recommend therapy for this issue.
JayKay Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I remember my BF took a job about 2 years ago that he thought would be his 'dream job' Unfortunately, it turned out to be a horrendous experience for him. He was so stressed out, it really ended up affecting our relationship. He brought all that stress home with him. He'd come into the house, slamming doors, stomping around and mumbling. He also started smoking more and sleeping less. He stopped laughing and joking around; he became this grim, serious person who never smiled anymore. He realized after 6 months that this job was a nightmare. Thank God he quit! But after he quit, I think he felt completely demoralized for a while. He had to take a temporary job while he looked for another in his field. The temp job paid a lot less than what he was used to making. He was really upset that I was able to go Xmas shopping and buy lots of nice gifts for everyone that year....while he was just scraping by on paying bills. It was a blow to him financially and emotionally. I was very supportive, but in the end it was a tough year on both of us. He did end up finding a better job and now things are pretty much back to normal. Hang in there -- this will pass. There will come a time when you have a rough spot in your life too and will need support. Remind him that a lot of people have to go through some bumps before their career gets going -- and even afterwards, there can be pitfalls and challenges along the way. Maybe get him a book to read about well-known people who overcame when the odds were stacked against them, like Abraham Lincoln.
TheSwordfish Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 First off all, you are a greta person Calm rage. The way you handle this is really sweet and caring. I think you're boyfriend has to put things in perspective first. He has to get over what has happened, and that will take some time. If you stay supportive, without being pushy, the two of you will do fine
Walk Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I agree with the posters above. Not so sure about the book on Abe. Maybe you could do a little research and find some books on great people in his field that over came great odds. I got one for my bf that was specifically in his field when he got really depressed/unhappy about his current job. I didn't put any emphasis on the book, just bought it and gave it to him one day. It did help. I'm reading it now, and I think it's giving me a better insight into what he does for a living. I'd down play your "bread winner" role right now. Not buy lots of gifts, etc. Do things that don't take much money, and try to step down a little to his income level. I know it makes me terribly uncomfortable when I'm scraping by and my SO buys me extravagent gifts. Or is paying for everything all the time. I'd rather have a home cooked meal and a rented movie when I'm short on cash, then have my SO pay to go out. I just want to be able to provide my share, and I can't when my SO is at a higher pay range then I am. It makes me feel like I'm not holding up my fair share of the responsibility.
Author calm_rage Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 Thanks everyone, you've been really nice. I do have to admit that I have been over spending lately because I do really like spending money on people, I like to give rather than receive because I like taking care of people. Weird I know, but oh well. I guess it is just making L feel even worse. I think if I suggested he read about others who have succeeded, hed look at me like I had my head on backwards. He is just so stressed and if he doesnt get this job he is going for he will be even more miserable. This is the only time I havent been able to make him feel better and it breaks my heart to see he has no faith in himself
Author calm_rage Posted February 28, 2006 Author Posted February 28, 2006 Just thought I'd update you all. He got the job! I had a talk with him the night before and I know he was feeling more confidant and then he came home and told me the good news! He is pretty much back to his old self, he oves his new job and he is obviously not so stressed anymore!
inconsiderado Posted March 15, 2006 Posted March 15, 2006 sounds like my story...props for hangin' in there and not bailing on him.
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