Why am I bothering ?

[brokenherted]

Ok so she cheated on me. (Emotional affair maybee, a kiss for sure, maybee more - who knows given the lies).

 

Why am I the one doing all the work for reconcillation ?

Why is it me saying "I love you and I want us to work this out"

Why is it me saying lets get away on holiday for a few days have some fun and talk about everything.

Why is it me arguing with her that we should go to counselling and the sooner the better ?

Why does she have such a sullen look when she agrees to counselling like she doesnt really want to go.

 

I hurt so much but I am still here and trying to make it work, but I am asking myself why.

[bluechocolate]

Love conquers all - is a myth.

 

We were destined to be together - another myth.

 

She completes me - bogus.

 

Such sacrilegious thoughts on this holy day!

 

Why is it me saying lets get away on holiday for a few days have some fun and talk about everything?

 

The 'talk about everything' part doesn't sound like fun. I think you should put aside any thoughts or plans for fun or romantic holidays, at least until you've had one or two counseling sessions.

 

Why does she have such a sullen look when she agrees to counselling like she doesnt really want to go.

 

It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one to break it. (I've been saying that one a lot here lately)

 

I don't really have any advice for you, then again I don't think you were looking for any.

[brokenherted]

I don't really have any advice for you, then again I don't think you were looking for any.

 

Probably not mate. There is not a lot anyone can say - but prove me wrong if you can.

I think I was just getting my feelings off my chest.

We are going to this counselling - and if she don't turn up or it don't work then I shall go the divorce route. I am taking professional advice about that.

 

Still hurts like hell but at least I have no kids. Better this happens now than later.

[whichwayisup]

Because you love her and want to give her a chance to work it out. If you didn't love her or think things could be worked out - You'd be out the door already.

[whichwayisup]

Unfortunately it always seems the betrayed spouse is the one holding the olive branch out.

 

Read DazednConfused thread. Called wife made stupid mistake. (Do a search on it or just scroll afew pages down in this section.) His situation could help you and give you some insight.

[brokenherted]

Because you love her

That I do, but I feel I am fool to do so, not that I can stop loving her even if I wanted to. If things really go bad I think it'll hurt more to leave her than it did to find out what she was up to.

Still I shall be strong even if I dont feel like it.

[whichwayisup]

Has she stopped seeing the OM? And is she still continuing marriage counselling?

 

I think you need to tell her exactly what you wrote here. Why are you bothering if she is showing no effort. IT WAS HER that had the affair, not you! I believe too, that she has to BE the one to do most of the legwork to gain your confidence again, your trust. Not the other way around. You can only put in so much effort...She has to give 100% back to you as well.

[brokenherted]

Has she stopped seeing the OM? And is she still continuing marriage counselling?

 

Has she stopped seeing OM. Well how can I know ?

I insisted she make a phone call to say it was over. I heard her make it but what stops her phoning him up later ? I rang him to tell him if he ever tried to contact her again I would tell his wife. I know that he has txt'd her since.

I have not yet told his wife. I dont know if I will or wont. He has kids, one with a heart condition, and I dont know if I want to in any way, even partially, be responsible for them growing up without a dad.

She says it's over with him but then she was lying to me about seeing him in the first place. I don't trust her anymore.

 

We have yet to book in for counselling. After she first agreed she said she needed some time cus she couldnt stop crying and she didnt want to sit

there in counselling and just cry. In truth I have not seen floods of tears every day. She is now living at her sister's so I cant say for sure about the days since she agreed to see counsellor. I went to see her today, gave her a card (valentine's) and a present (marriage guidance book). I told her I thougth we should see a counsellor as soon as and any delay was only making things worse. She looked very sullen as she agreed to go.

 

But in truth she has not shown remorse. She has said "I am sorry to have hurt you, I didnt mean to or intend to". But she has not said "I love you" in over a month (I found out two weeks ago), and she has not said she wants to work things out.

 

It's all so sad.

 

Reading that other post you mentioned. Very long. Might not finish it tonight - I am England it's getting late.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, she should go to therapy alone. To fix herself, and to deal with getting over the OM. You can't fix that, only she can.

 

Boy, that situation is rough...A child with a heart condition...Yet HE is cheating on his wife and that poor child. WTF! I can understand your reservation about telling his wife...To blow apart a family is hard enough, let alone one with a sick child. I feel for ya on that one...

 

It is really s***ty that she has shown no remorse yet...All I can say to that is, she hasn't a clue (yet) what she has done is wrong nor felt any consquences to her actions. That and her way of thinking is messed up. She is so into herself and what SHE wants, she isn't seeing the whole picture! I commend you for staying and sticking with it. Give her time, 2 weeks isn't alot of time, so let her figure it out... I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's the only thing you can do until she feels it's time. I just hope for her sake that you're still there wanting the same thing.

 

Remember too, this woman is not your wife as you know her. She is completely addicted to the OM and the feelings he brings out in her...That grass is greener on the other side of the fence feeling...IT isn't greener, she just doesn't know it yet. I mean, the OM isn't going to leave his wife, and children! A child who is ill. She, as I'm sure he was/is, hooked on those intense feelings, so really it isn't about you! That is the unclear way of thinking that is going on inside her head. I've seen so many posts so I can see the outcome and thoughts that go along with a situation like yours.

 

Oh yeah, Dazed's thread is long, take your time or even print it out. Show it to your wife...Maybe it will open her eyes so she can see what she's doing to you. She needs to FEEL your pain. SEE your pain. And only then will she realize wtf she's done...

 

You take care of yourself first. Let her be, maybe even back off abit...Keep an eye on her but don't push her right now. Have you considered some one on one therapy for yourself? Just a suggestion...

[tweldy]

Holy crap this other man is a blue ribbon winner in the world champion a**h*** decathalon. If you want to keep her you've been doing the right thing. If you decide to divorce her or she divorces you, no one can fault you. If you step back and let it unfold, you'll have done so as pefectly gentleman in anyone's book I know. Hats off to you. I feel for you.

 

Question to the rest of the thread:

If it were me, I would tell the guy's wife, maybe give him a chance to tell her first - it just seems like he'll just do it with someone else later, better to deal with it now before it gets worse and the stakes get higher. But its not like I've got experience in this area - any thoughts?

[Ladyjane14]

There is a school of thought that the affair should always be exposed to the affair partner's spouse. It's been a subject of heated debate on a marriage board I frequently read. And I must say....it's been an ugly argument at times. (I might quit reading altogether over there...it's just THAT ugly. )

 

To be honest, I don't think exposure is always necessary. I think every BS ought to be able to weigh his/her situation carefully and do what's best for them. That's heresy in some arenas, btw.

Some say that there's a moral obligation to inform the affected parties. I'm not sure I agree with that. It seems alot of oligation when your own family is 'under siege' to take on responsibility for someone else's.

 

Certainly, shedding light on an affair effectively ruins the mood of it. The thrill of secrecy is gone when everybody knows. When the affair partner's spouse is made aware, the OM/OW will have a whole new set of problems brought to bear. Often, they're too busy trying to fix their own home-deal to worry about keeping their affair going. It causes them to make mistakes the BS can often capitolize on.

 

Exposure to other key people in the WS's life can also bring an element of pressure. But the potential for backlash is DEFINATELY there. Say, you expose to your WW's mother and she elects to be supportive of her daughter's viewpoint instead. It happens more frequently than most of us would think. I know that MY mother would support me.....even if I was dead-ass wrong.

 

Once a BS has exposed, s/he can expect a firestorm of anger and resentment from the WS. It's a helluva lot of noise, but the reality is that in most cases....the WS will get over it IF they're motivated by the inner desire for reconciliation. Sometimes a cheating mate doesn't really know what they want, particularly while they're still under the addictive spell of infatuation. If the underlying tendancy is toward rebuilding the marriage, great. But if what the WS most dearly desires is divorce...it stands to reason that they'll bear a long-lasting grudge after the exposure.

 

I don't think this should be a factor for a BS in his/her decision to expose. The bottom line is that the WS will go off like a ballistic missile. But if they want you, they'll get over it and come back. If they don't, they won't. So, if you reconcile they won't be angry with you anymore, and if you don't....you won't give a damn if they're mad or not.

 

There are things that I don't like about exposure though. I don't like exposure when it's motivated strictly by vengeance without hope of reconciliation. If the BS decides that the marriage is over....what's the point?

 

I also don't like it when it's used as leverage against the good behavior of the WS either. That's tantamount to blackmail. "The truth" is then used as a weapon. I'm uncomfortable with that. (Although, I do understand how the BS initially gets into that situation. It's a natural progression of thought. "If you don't stop seeing your affair partner, I'm going to tell their spouse." When a person is caught off guard, they'll reach for whatever tool is at hand.)

 

In choosing to expose or not, I don't think the BS should consult the WS at all. It only leads to desperate negotiation and promises made under duress. It's true that the threat of exposure can create a brief time-out for the affair partner's to clear their heads. But I can't help but think the resentment of living under that threat will weigh heavier than the value of an enforced cooling-off period. My opinion only, I don't have any science for you there.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you, Brokenherted.

You've already fallen into the "blackmail" trap. Your choices are to either stand by your words...and expose to the OM's wife. Or to admit they were made in the heat of the moment. Personally, I'm never afraid to backpeddle when I've spoken rashly IF the outcome is favorable to the other party. If backpeddling only suits ME....then I'm honor bound to do what I said I would do.

[jmargel]

Ok so she cheated on me. (Emotional affair maybee, a kiss for sure, maybee more - who knows given the lies).

 

Why am I the one doing all the work for reconcillation ?

 

Because she is immature, which is the same reason why she cheated on you. Look back on your relationship with her you can probably notice alot of 'immature' things that she's done

Why is it me saying "I love you and I want us to work this out"

 

Possible she hasn't cut ties with the OM. In her head (due to her immaturity) all of this is your fault right now. Why would she want to work it out when she thinks the reason she cheated was because of you? She's rationalizing her cheating subconsciously to avoid from feeling guilt.

 

Why is it me arguing with her that we should go to counselling and the sooner the better ?

 

Because why should she take that chance of possibliy being wrong? Remember she's immature, what do you expect a immature child to say if you tell them they are wrong and no matter how bad something is what you did was not right

 

Why does she have such a sullen look when she agrees to counselling like she doesnt really want to go.

 

Because she doesn't want to go. She is stuck in her own little world. Counseling will help her but whether or not the relationship is gone, I don't know. What I know from your post is that she has ZERO respect for you. Think back.. How did she fall in love with you in the first place? One of the things women like in a man is confidence. You are not showing any of that right now. To get this confidence you need to show some 'Tough Love'. She's not facing any consequences so why should she change her behavior?

 

This goes deeper than just her cheating, it's her whole personality. I encourage you to click on my signature link and read it. It's what I've gained through reading many posts like yours.

 

If you want her back I would encourage you to stop telling her you love her. If she says it to you, tell her you love her back but don't be the first to say it. Be distant with her. The more you pursue her the faster she will run away and the less respect she'll have for you. Tell her that 'Ill miss you tons but I don't want you to feel unhappy by being with me. If you are then please leave', then leave it at that. Let her come to you for once. You are smothering her. Do you have proof this affair has ended?

 

There's a book called 'Tough Love' I would recommend you reading it. She has alot of growing up to do and that will take alot of time. In the process you'll be put on a roller coaster ride with her. Don't try to be her counselor. Don't try to 'talk' about the situation because it's obvious for some reason or another she doesn't. Let the counselor do their job and get that info out of her. Start doing things for yourself, making yourself happy. Let her realize what she's going to be losing. You can try as hard as you can but if she's not going to put any effort into the relationship it's not going to last.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi BrokenHerted,

 

I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain. Please, disregard JMargel's post if you find his word harsh and insensitive. I certainly do not agree with his analysis of what is happening between you and your wife.

 

Obviously you still love your wife, and that is why YOU WANT TO WORK OUT this "glitch". I am also certain that your wife is usually a very good person and have high regards for you as well. Listen to this.

 

She is in a very insecure and confused state of mind right now. She does not know what is right or wrong any more. It is NOT your fault that she is this way, but something must have been missing in her life and she is seeking it in the WRONG place - except that she doesn't know that! Believe me, I have been in a confused state (albeit very briefly, probably just like your wife) just recently and I was about to throw away everything I had worked hard for in order to be with my OM.

 

Let me tell you what changed me and made me see the light again:

1. My husband consistently telling me that he loves me. He showed me in small ways that he wants to work out this marriage. he only insisted that I stay in this marriage. (I could not see my OM because he lives several thousand of miles away and only visits us several times/year.) He did not yell at me and pushing me to "snap out of my fantasies" because I told him that I wanted to be with the other man. He was just quiet and he gave me my space to think. He even slept in a different room. In the beginning, he was trying to compensate by being more affectionate, but he realized that I was grossed out by it. So he stopped doing that. Slowly, I came to him and kissed him and he would kiss back. He did not initiate any arguements with me. (Usually, he is very argumentative.) So my advice is: do not under circumstances get into an argument with her - that's a trap for her to build up her resentment toward you. Only talk to her lovingly. Apologize and recognize her feelings. And do not agree to a divorce. You may have to detach yourself emotionally from her in that you will have to turn a blind eye to her insensitive behaviors and a deaf ear to her nasty comments. Vent your anger here; express your love to her.

 

2. I was truly in love with the other man and I just could not see straight any more. I did not care what I had to lose. I did not care what my OM had to lose. But I was on this forum and I slowly began to see what I was doing to my family and my OM. I would lose what I have now, which is already above average. He would lose much more (for reasons I don't want to divulge at this time.) I love my OM too much to put him in ruins. So I have to mentally turn him out. Trust me, I am not going for an affair either. What is the point of that? I know that we will get caught. So what this translates to you is this: you need to get her to MC. Recruit her sister and friends to make her go either by herself or with you. She has to be told what she is not seeing right now. But give her time to sort it out. It will take months for her to be herself again.

 

3. She will not get over the other man any time soon. In fact, she may always have feelings for him. That is why you have to make sure that she does not have any contact with him. If she cannot agree to this... I don't know how much hope you'd have to salvage your marriage. Stay strong.

 

Good luck!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

You also wanted to know if you should tell OM's wife of the affair. I would strongly recommend against it. Why do you want the other person to go through the pain that you are going through? Although many people here would argue otherwise, I don't believe that the other wife knowing this would keep the OM from seeing your wife or wanting to dissolve their marriage. Your W has to be the person to insist on not seeing OM. I hope she is strong enough to do this. It was very difficult for me to take my mind off my OM during the first 3 months following our brief PA. I am still thinking of him. And I still love him. But the difference now is that I do not want to have an inappropriate relationship with him again. Your wife has to be convinced that she values her marriage to you. Are you going to help her see the value in that or are you just going to let the OM shower her with affection?

 

If your wife is pretty, you can expect that this can happen again. Men will hit on her all the time and give her special attention. (I know this first hand.) So you may find yourself in constant competition with other men. Can she be strong enough to resist them all? Do you fulfill her emotional needs such that what other men do for her is miniscule compared to what you do for her? Think about it. This may just be the beginning. If you are in this, you have to be prepare to be in battle with other men for as long as she is beautiful. That is the price you pay to keep a beautiful woman in you house.

[jmargel]

To the OP when I was having problems in my marriage I thought the same thoughts as you. All her friends would comment on how lucky she is to have me and how I treated her so good. However I was still being treated bad. Through alot of thinking and talking on here I came to the realization that she was not facing any consequences and she had no respect for me. The day that things started to change was the day I told her to leave the house. Before she would always threaten and mention how easy it would be for her to leave. Over a long period of time that made me quite insecure. However like my counselor told me that one day I will reach my point. Everyone has theirs. It wasn't until that one particular morning she said something and I walked upto her face to face & told her to move out of the house. She was like a deer in headlights. I assume she would take this opportunity and run with it. However I was very surprised on her reaction which was 'I'll never leave this house'. I then knew I had more power than I thought. All of her words were just that.. words. I believe she then realized that things need to change if she wants this to work.

 

It's not easy because you are going against everything your instinct tells you. However the definition of insanity is expecting different results doing the same thing over & over. Doing what you have been doing has not gotten you anywhere. It's time for a change. I'm not saying be mean to her or be bitter. What you have to do is stand up for yourself. Make it known to her that you CAN live without her. That respect & trust is earned and not given. There are millions of women out there and if she's not going to be giving you the essentials that you need, well then there are many more out there that would.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If you are in this, you have to be prepare to be in battle with other men for as long as she is beautiful. That is the price you pay to keep a beautiful woman in you house.

 

Bull sh*t.

 

This is the aggravation you go through catering to an emotionally immature, insecure, self absorbed, attention-starved adolescent… pretending to be a "woman."

 

Good G-d! It's so galling when some spoiled little girl tries to step up and 'represent' the rest of the beautiful women in the world who actually have their sh*t together and KNOW how to treat the men in their life… to the exclusion of all others.

 

If I were the poor smuck married to a head case like this, I'd pitch her ayas out the door.

 

KnowHowLoveFeels, you should kiss the ground that patient husband of yours walks on, cause you certainly don't deserve him. And with any luck he'll realize that one day and trade you in for a REAL woman.

[brokenherted]

Hey please dont derail my thread into a personnal flame war between any of you. Everyone has an opinion. I am well aware that. I thank you all for your posts and your feelings towards me. If someone posts something you dont agree with by all means say that you dont agree but dont get personnal at them just for having a different opinion. Please.

[whichwayisup]

I like the advice JM has given you too.

 

Have you thought about putting a keylogger on her computer? That way you could track any incoming/outgoing messages either IM's or emals between them? Just something to consider...Because if she hasn't ended it 100% with him, there isn't a point in trying to fix the marriage right now. And if that is the case, then maybe going to one on one therapy for yourself could help, atleast you'd have someone to talk to, deal with the pain and how to handle things at home, how to approach her and try to get her to see what she is doing is killing you.

[brokenherted]

She is now living with her sister. Like 99% of stuff is there too.

We have given notice on the flat we were renting and 99% of my stuff is gone too.

 

So cant do anything with the computer to track her. In truth most of the communication between them outside of her old work where they met was done via sms txt messages. I know she has recieved messages from him after she made the "we cant be friends" phonecall and after my "If you contact my wife in any way I will tell your wife" phonecall.

 

We have a date for counselling next wednesday.

 

I know that no matter what I do I can't stop her seeing him if that is what she wants to do. Until such time as she convinces me she isnt I am going to have to believe she still is.

 

I am trying hard to sort my life out and just get on with it without her. It hurts but I cant just wait for her to show some sign of wanting to put some effort in. It's difficult though because I am between jobs. My next job will probably take me away from this city and that will just make seeing her and working things out all the harder.

 

Maybee this is how love dies, with an ache in the heart and knot in the belly, after sleepless nights and insane thoughts, when you realize that you can love someone all you want but if they dont love you back then maybee you will have to say goodbye and walk away.

 

 

PS: I am considering showing her this thread, whichwayisup could you edit your last post to remove mentioning a keylogger. I would rather she remained unaware of such things for now.

[whichwayisup]

I can't edit out what I put down, but if you use the contact us link ask the mods to. Ask them what you'd like editted out, and explain why. Hopefully they'll be able to do what you asked.

 

Hang in there, and take care of you.

[brokenherted]

I'm pissed (drunk for you americans) and so so sad.

I just want my wife back. The woman I married.

Not this girl who I dont think knows what she doing.

My wife, the woman I love. She is so great but I just

dont understand who she is becoming. What we had

was so amazing. Why oh why did she do what she has.

She could have just said to me hey why dont we or

hey why are you....

She is .... everything to me.

why oh please why

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hey! You need support from friends at family at this time. Please don't hesitate to tell them what you are going through so that you won't be alone in this. Don't drink if you are usually not a drinker.

{{Hugs}}

[Ladyjane14]

I'm pissed (drunk for you americans) and so so sad.

I just want my wife back. The woman I married.

Not this girl who I dont think knows what she doing.

My wife, the woman I love. She is so great but I just

dont understand who she is becoming. What we had

was so amazing. Why oh why did she do what she has.

She could have just said to me hey why dont we or

hey why are you....

She is .... everything to me.

why oh please why

 

Just a little word of advice for you my friend.... Avoid alcohol for the time being. You will cause yourself needless pain when you indulge.

 

Later on when you're stronger, you'll be able to handle it again. But for right now, you're rolling the emotional dice when your faculties aren't completely under your own jurisdiction.

[brokenherted]

Thanks KnowHow and LadyJane.

But dont worry it's ok.

Went out with a mate and talked about all this over a few beers.

Wrote what I did when I got home.

It's my brother's stag do this weekend as well so I won't get away without drinking but I do take your point that too much wont be good for me.