Heretoday Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 About a month and a half ago, the girl I have seeing for over 2 years said she was feeling overwhelmed by a number of things and needed her space to think about things. I know that one of the overwhelming things was me being at her place too much and that the relationship was a little stagnate. We talked and I said that if she needed her space, take it. She said this was heart-achingly numbing for her as well, but she needed this for right now. She said that maybe in a while we could date again and that she still loves me and cares about me, but needed to go through this phase. During this time, I have respected her request and have not called her. I have been friendly with her (we work in the same building and can see each other if we make the effort) and have not been pushy or needy in any way. In return, she has emailed me a few times to tell me that she was thinking about me and that I looked good (I started dressing a little better and had lost weight). She stopped by one day to see if I wanted to have lunch, which we did, and pretty much talked about the weather and stuff. Nothing deep at all, which I wanted to do. She has come by on occasion just to check in and chat. And one time when I left work early before she got back from a meeting, she voicemailed me to touch base and see what I was up to and to say hi. On another occasion, I notified the office that I was taking time off for 4 days and she stopped in to see what I was doing on my time off. I gave her a nice, non-mushy Valentine's Day card which I wrote that I believed in her, respected her and cared about her. Then signed my name. Before she left on a business trip for 2 weeks, she hand-delivered a card to me. It had hearts on it and the inside read "Even when the words go unspoken, the love is always in my heart." She then wrote that she was thinking of me and sending me hugs. I guess I've thinking about this for too long and I am confused now. Are these the signs that she doesn't want to lose me and that I should keep being strong until she has her issues figured out or am I making more out of these gestures. To me, I don't think a woman of 40 (she just turned that this year and I'm in my 40's as well) would send that kind of card without it having some deliberate intention, or make the effort to stop by to find out what I was doing or how I was doing when she could easily not drag this all out and wrap it up. But like I said, my thinking is clouded now. I'm more than willing to show her that I care by continuing to respect her space, but I guess I would like some opinions regarding the hopefullness on my part. Is there a reason to be optimistic given these things like the card and her efforts to stay in contact? Should I wait for her to come back and talk or should I, after two months, ask where this would be going? Any thoughts would be appreciated.
salmagundi Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Hmmm...our circumstances are rather similar. You can read all about it in a great big long thread from about the beginning of january but yes, I too was in a great relationship that went stagnant and I got the I need space talk which turned into the I think we should break up talk and then went back to I just need space and ended with "ok, c'est fini". In the meantime we did an almost insane amount of going back and forth. We still hung out all the time. Requests for space on my part would be respected for about 48 hours on average before I would see her again. Phone calls. Sex occasionally. Lots of "I dont want to lose you, I'm just confused...yadder yadder. All of which could have been true. We almost did get back together a couple of times. But we didnt. The danger for you is that she does want to end it; that she isnt feeling it anymore and wants to be set free. But at the same time is afraid of losing you for good in case the world turns out to be cold and lonely onher own. I mean, I think my ex kept me around because...sure...she still 'loved' me (still does...i'm sure) but needed someone to lean on while she made the transition to single and alone. And who better than the ex? Especially if you're a nice guy? this is just my perspective. We're both younger, for instance (her 28 me 32). She's french canadian (serial monogamy has replaced the catholic church as religion in Québec) But if I could do it over again? I would have cared every bit as much about her as I did, but I would have been firmer in making her adhere to her decision and to get over me without me. And if she changed her mind, to come back and talk. But otherwise broken up is broken up and space? Space means broken up in slow motion. Honestly. Your her partner, if things in her life are getting you down she should want and expect you to be there for her. Space from you isnt going to help her figure out any other part of her life. Space from you is spefically that...she wants space from YOU. So something,s clearly wrong. ONly space will fix it. But I dunno. I dont think you should go total NC but I also dont think you should be too available for her either. I would keep a good distance. Enough that she can miss you and reflect. And honestly? Enough that she can decide if she wants it to be over or not so you are not stuck in limbo land too long, cause that will kill your spirit and make you crazy like it made me. Be always cool. Dont chase her, that will allow her to feel like theres no rush to make a decision, cause you,re so clearly hanging on there. Maybe tell her that you are gonna respect her wishes and that you want no contact from her until she makes up her mind. At least tell her the ball is in your court...i mean, until you get tired of waiting.... Hope theres something in all this rambling you can use... salmagundi
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