will_d Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Well i have replied to enough threads today and thought it would be good to write my own... to put my own thoughts and problems down. I have written other threads in the past explaining how a split up with my ex 2 weeks ago... read 'is the writing on the wall?' to understand this rambling better. Just as things had started to become normal between us, i came out of a night club and saw her kissing another guy, a friend of hers from ages ago. I spoke to her the next day and she was really upset and down, constantly crying and told me how she loved me (the first time she said it... i thought it was a reaction to what had happened but was dying to believe her anyway), she wanted it to work and would do anything. I thought i would try to make things work... i loved her and cared for her as she was depressed and needed support, not for me to get rid of her when she needed me. How stupid... the next week she said she didnt know what she felt anymore and couldnt be with anyone till she sorted herself out, saying that we should be friends till then. I said i couldnt and had NC for a week until i saw her in the club with her friends chatting... i asked if we could talk and she said coffee at some point. i then txt her a day later to ask when and she didnt reply. I havent spoke to her since, have been feeling depressed, upset and didnt know why things had changed so quickly. I just wanted her and thought maybe she was just fed up and needed time, she said she didnt want to be intimate with anyone because she didnt know how things were for herself, or where she was going to live etc. I went home last weekend from uni, to clear my head, my friends were out and told me that they saw her in our local night club everyone goes to... with another guy, hugging, dancing and kissing! It sounds like a guy who she knew who has just recently come to live in the area, not just a random. I know it shouldnt really bother me anymore, she didnt deserve me and i know i deserve better, but... i cannot help but feel so down because: i was so stupid to think that she wanted me after what she did, i put my heart out to someone who pretended to care and would have done anything for her, i thought i was a good judge of character, that i would see someone who would use me a mile away but most of all i just wonder who was this girl that i was with... at first she seemed perfect but someone who can move onto the next person like that, laughing and joking with them and kissing (intimacy which she couldnt have she told me) makes it worse. Didnt i matter? why didnt she tell me the truth when she ended it 'i dont want to be with u anymore', it would have been hard but i could have handled it better than being lied to... again. I know i will see her at some point in the next couple of weeks with this guy, this place is way to small not to. her being happy and me feeling hurt with a brave face on... how can i handle it? and what if she tries to talk to me to say hi... all i want to say is 'why, how could u?' shortly followed by 'your a whore', but i couldnt say that to her... i would be at her level then. Sometimes i just think i wasnt built for this...
fooled Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Will, I'm sorry you're hurting like this. The same way I am. Here's the deal - and it sucks: She didn't love you. Just like my ex didn't love me. She may have said she did, may have sworn on whatever she found holy that she did - but in truth she didn't. Who knows why? Maybe, like mine, she is incapable of it - or feels undeserving of someone who loves her and wants her for more than just sex. Who knows what kind of past she's had. My ex lied to me so much I have no idea who she actually is or what she really felt about anything. It doesn't make it hurt any less. And lord knows 6 weeks after my breakup I am still angry and jealous and a dozen other emotions. We got screwed. We got used. We got played. I am still looking for a way to let go of her. Sorry I can't relieve some of the pain. Hopefully someone else here can. I can merely empathize.
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Guys, Let me tell you something from a girl's point of view: If a girl sleeps or makes out with another guy she doesn't love you. If a girl loves you she won't sleep or make out with another guy. No matter what. If she messes around with some other guy and then tells you that she is sorry, that she made a mistake, and that she loves you... its """BS"""" She may like that you guys are nice to her, help her, listen to her problems, doesn't want to be left alone, whatever. But eventually she'll dump you anyway. I know, it's the easiest thing in the "world" to convince a guy that you love him in those circumstances. The easiest! But guys, don't be fooled. If a girl loves you, she'd crrrrrrrrrrringe at the thought of being with another man. Plain and simple. Ariadne
Anyways Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I agree. If a girl or anyone for the matter loves you unconditionally....they will definitely cringe at the thought of being with someone else. I definitely feel dirty even thinking about being with someone else bc I still love my ex. We broke up a little more than a month ago and it is mutual. I've gotten a lot of advance from so many different men but I can't imagine myself being with anyone else...yet touching anyone else but him....no matter how lonely and how sad i am. that is definitely a sign of weakness and you don't want someone like that anyway. You might someone strong that can with stand the most the difficulties in the relationship. You deserve better and keep thinking that! Don't tolerate that!
scobro Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Guys, Let me tell you something from a girl's point of view: If a girl sleeps or makes out with another guy she doesn't love you. If a girl loves you she won't sleep or make out with another guy. No matter what. If she messes around with some other guy and then tells you that she is sorry, that she made a mistake, and that she loves you... its """BS"""" She may like that you guys are nice to her, help her, listen to her problems, doesn't want to be left alone, whatever. But eventually she'll dump you anyway. I know, it's the easiest thing in the "world" to convince a guy that you love him in those circumstances. The easiest! But guys, don't be fooled. If a girl loves you, she'd crrrrrrrrrrringe at the thought of being with another man. Plain and simple. Ariadne Yes I would have to agree.The problem is how long the woman feels this way for and it's just a matter of time before she out losing 10 pounds getting banged by some other guy. (yes I get bitter sometimes:) )
Author will_d Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Well its good to at least know that i'm not the only one fooled. I read your thread 'i'm angry' i see soo much of myself in that. there are not many lines which i don't feel like u. Who knows whats out there, i just hate her for making me feel more guarded when i come to meet other people, my ex before her, of 2 years, never made me feel like that, she was straight with me. I think, like u, i just never knew her, the real her, so who was this illusion that i loved. Who knows, just think that the person u speak of is not the person who u loved, she is gone or never existed... maybe take some comfort in the fact that u would never be with anyone like that on purpose. U need to pick yourself up and start to chat to other women, not to date but to restore your faith in women in general maybe?
fooled Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 My ex came home at midnight one night - drunk - dropped off by a guy. I was pissed. Told her we were through. Went home. She followed me there - angry at me - told me to FU if I thought she was cheating on me. She said "I'm in love with you. The thought of being with someone else makes me sick." I bought it. I found out after our breakup that they had sex that night. It was the 2nd time.
Author will_d Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 yea, thanks for your replies guys, i do get that... i just feel stupid and used etc, i never thought of myself as the type that it would happen to, a good judge of character in everything else and... i thought... quite intelligent. i wonder who she was thats all... what i meant and why was i so desperate to make it work when all the signs were there. i know i will still get cut up when i see her out with this guy, which i will do, why when they have done this? who knows
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Ok, It a woman loves you, and you give her whatever chance to be with her. She'll take it! She may try to move on to some other guy after you have made it clear and without a doubt that you don't want anything to do with her, and that you "don't love her". After she has never cheated on you, or even the "thought" of another guy crossed her mind, she has moved heaven and earth to be with you, she has waited patiently to be with you without seeing another guy (for months even)... And still, you keep telling her there is no chance to be with you. Or if she found out that you are a cheater (and even that they forgive sometimes). Theeeeen, she might start thinking of dating again, "maybe", and still being grossed out by other guys. That's a girl that loves, Ariadne
Author will_d Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 christ Fooled, thats hard to take, i dont know what to say? Just be happy that u are not with her now, i know i struggle to think that but i know that its the truth, she is someone who doesnt deserve a guy that cares. hang in there.
Author will_d Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Ariadne, i know... my ex of 2 years before was like that, we just didnt work and both called it a day. I know this girl wasnt in love with me, and i was a sucker for thinking it, even for a minute, but i just have soo many questions... all which will never be answered. i just wanted the truth and respect, i find it hard to give myself even that now. I was a confident person... openly loving, and now struggle to be myself because i dont understand it.
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 It just wasn't the right match I suppose... It's hard, I'm going through the same thing with a guy now so I'm none to give advice. I just gave up on love period now. I've tried and failed way to many times to have any hope. But that's just me. my ex of 2 years before was like that Yep, I believe you, too bad that didn't work out, it seems like that one really cared , Ariadne
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 And guys... I you are "gah-gah" over a girl it's not going to work. It's not meant to work, I just doesn't work, and that's the way it is. It says in the Kama Sutra or one of those ancient texts that the most important ingredient for the stability of a couple is "the love of a woman for the man." You guys have to find a girl that you like, that you care for, that you respect, that treats you nice and adores you, and you'll be happy! If you go for a girl that is "ify" but that you are crazy nuts about, you are going to end up miserable like all these folks in this board. I know... it's nice to have "that" girl, the one you are crazy about, but it's just not meant to work. Trust me on this one, look around if you don't believe me, Ariadne
fooled Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Yeah, Will - that's the one event that really sticks in my mind. You are supposed to trust the one you love. You didn't do anything wrong. And in the beginning, I wasn't gah-gah for her. I didn't even say "I love you" to her until about a month after she was telling me. I would say "I miss you." But I did. I fell in love with her. Or more correctly, who she portrayed herself to me.
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Hey fooled, Women like to be adored by a man . But they want to be the ones to do the loving. When men are "out of control," that they'd say jump and the guy says how high... It's a big turn off for a woman. Women look up to men and respect men that are under control, men that that let themselves be loved by them while getting adoration and appreciation in return. The moment a guy "loses it," it's very scary and creepy for a girl. Find a girl that's nice and mad about you, that loves everything about you, that would never betray you or do you wrong, one that you can deeply care for, but not lose control for her like a puppy dog (because you feel secure in her love). Ariadne
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Once a girl gets turned off by you, there's no going back. None whatsoever. You can conquer the moon, and she'd still be turned off by you, Ariadne
notmakingsense Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 If you go for a girl that is "ify" but that you are crazy nuts about, you are going to end up miserable like all these folks in this board I have never heard a truer statement than this one. I heard a quote once: "Choose to be with a women who choose to be you". Of course, I, like many men, have a hard time following this rule -- but trust me, "winning over" women rarely works. The attraction has to come from within them.
fooled Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 This is all very good insight, Aria. In my case, my ex and I had amazing sex one morning, she instigated a conversation about where we would move in together (since we had been recently talking about it) - and all the while had made plans to spend THAT SAME NIGHT with her ex-husband. She is the devil.
Author will_d Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 i also think that Fooled, i never told her i loved her until the night that she kissed that other guy, i just wanted her to know how much she had hurt me, stupid i know. but i did... would have done anything for her. It wasnt a case of me completely falling for her straight away, i liked her and thought she was stunning as well as a great personality. but i thought i had my eyes open. things were progressive between us, not erratic and i never went after her completely because i had come out of a relationship not too long before. i didnt want to invest too much at first. Instead we talked till 6 in the morning, things went progressively from there until we were sleeping together. we told each other that we missed each other, spoke constantly and txt. I am a student in my final year, she was working. it seemed as if it would work, we both enjoyed being with each other a hell of a lot and had soo many special times in that first month, cuddling under the stars to name just one. We didnt see each other for 3 weeks over christmas but were still happy talking etc. then things changed... she changed in the weeks when we got bac, she was depressed, thats all i thought. I loved her but would never have told her till we were more settled. i will get pasted this, i will move on and find someone who cares... i just get down and upset when i think about what we had and dont know how we lost it...who was this 'pretender'
Author will_d Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 yea aria, i understand that, i realised that, until a point... where i thought we were at the same level. when u know what u want its hard not to do your best to keep it.
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Hey notmakingsense, "Choose to be with a women who choose to be you". Yep. That's what I mean. As a woman, I have never in my whole life been won over by a guy. I pick my men. (Too bad I pick all the wrong men, but that's another story) Ariadne
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 She is the devil. Hahaha... Well, thank God she didn't move in with you after all and had your children. Just imagine the child support, the visitations, and all that jazz , Ariadne
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 will_d, i never told her i loved her until the night that she kissed that other guy How are you going to tell a girl that you "love her" when she kisses another guy? Are you nuts?! You just digged your own hole even deeper than it was. Learn from that mistake, if she kisses another guy you are out of there. Ariadne
fooled Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 "Choose to be with a women who choose to be you". Yeah. I thought I did. I scares me that I may not have the skill to tell in the future.
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Hey fooled, Well, that's why you date... You take your time to get to know the other person well . Think of it that you got lucky. Just imagine! Good luck next time and enjoy the dinner, Ariadne
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