bumbaclot Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 About 2 month ago I started dating this girl that I knew for a long time. We used to work together. Everything seemed really nice. Then after new years, she quit her university, because she did not like the program she was in. Three weeks ago she started acting very weird. Moody, depressed, cranky and bitchy all the time. One of those days she was at my house and we were watching a movie and she didn't want to be close to me or anything. She was just laying there. After the movie, I asked her what was wrong. She didn't want to talk about it, but I insisted and she started crying. Then after a few minutes I was able to pull it out of her. She said that her life is a mess and she needs to fix it, and thus we should separate. I acted cool, no scenes, I didn't tell her to leave, nothing. It was all good. I said, fine, if that's what you want, lets do it. Then she started crying like a madwoman and saying she doesn't know what to do. In a few hours she said she wished she could take the words back. I told her that she could and she asked me if I was giving her a second chance. So I did. She said that this made her realise that she loves me and there is no way she could have been without me. Two weeks later (yesterday). Everything seems to be fine again. The night before valentines day. We watched a movie which ended after 12 and she wished me a "Happy valentines day". And said she loves me. We were about to go to sleep and laying in bed. She said good night and that she loves me. A few minutes later the broken record starts again "My life is a mess, blah blah blah...". I instantly knew where it was going. We talked for a couple of minutes, and I asked her "So you want to break up?" and she said yes. I got up, dressed and left (I was at her house). Ten minutes later she calls me and tells me that I could stay at her house overnight, because it's cold outside (I had to walk home for half an hour). I refused and hanged up. What do you think of all this? Is she playing stupid games or what? The truth is, she really seemed to have changed after she quit the univesity, but I don't see how this could affect a relationship. It seems more of an excuse. But then again, she says she loves me, so I totally don't get it. The singlas are mixed more than I've ever been able to decypher.
stockmos Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Very hard to say. She may have personal issues that cannot be gleaned without hearing her side of the story and she simply wants to move on (but still has feelings for you) She may be seeing someone else. I'm not saying she is, but some signs are there (and she still has feelings for you). I've been dumped by woman with both the above scenarios and the symptoms have not been broadly dissimilar to the ones you describe.
flowergirl Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Well, Bumbaclot: Sounds like your girl is suffering from some sort of mental illness, perhaps depression. Being bipolar myself, trust me, we can take people for a ride! However, it doesn't give her the right to play games. What I suggest you do if you truly care for her is, when you are both calm, to gently tell her she needs help, and that although you can't be together, that you'll try your best to be there for her while she gets treated. Mental illness ain't no joke, so I hope you're prepared for that. Good luck.
Author bumbaclot Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 She may be seeing someone else. I'm not saying she is, but some signs are there (and she still has feelings for you). Now that you say that, it's just might be that too. She was saying that she was sick and that she will probably spend v-day at home and asked me if I don't mind if we celebrate it the next day. The thing is the sickness didn't look too real. At first I thought she was exadurating it, but now I think she might have been plain faking it... sort of mental illness, perhaps depression She did say that she was depressed, because her life was a mess. I just don't see it being a mess. I guess it's on different level for different people. For me it seems like an average life situation and I went through that too - quit college and then started a whole new program a semmester later - for the same reason as her - I didn't like it. But I wasn't depressed, it was more like the opposite - half a year break from college
Author bumbaclot Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Just received a call from her. Didn't want to pick up, but for some reason (weak) did anyways... Me: Hello Her: Hello Me: What's up Her: OMG! I dialed a wrong number... At this point I just hanged up.
Author bumbaclot Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Damn. She called again, and I picked up again. Jesus, I just never learn, do I? She says she wants to be with me. She was confused. Apparently her ex-boyfriend was contacting her. She didn't know what to do. She loved him, but he broke up with her. She said she did some thinking and that she realised that she does want to be with me and she doesn't want to go through that again with her ex. I told her that I don't know now what I want. And I don't want to go through this bull**** a third time. I told her I will think about this and get back to her. Arhh.. I just wanna break something now. Like a table or something...
salmagundi Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 regardless of what you decide to do in the end, right now I think youu are doing good. If you caved, you would definitely be ****ed because she would know that she could keep you dancing on the end of a string and honestly, I think this relationship will always be a crazy game. I dont think she is in the right mental space to be in a relationship. I mean, is she really feeling it for you or is she just afraid to be alone because she's feeling depressed needy and insecure about herself. If this is the case then you will never be so much her boyfriend as her therapist. And god help you if you fix her and make her better because then she will probably toss you into the friend category and move on. This is all speculation of course, but ask yourself if I'm close to the mark. I've done this before. A big red flag is the simple fact that its only two months in and instead of being blissed out you guys are already on the emotionally rollercoaster. Its because she is emotional unavailable. In other words, it doenst sound like she is a good prospect for a relationship. You are better off being there for her as a friend if you want but I would move on...this promises to only get more complicated, I'm guessing... good luck, salmagundi
GiveAndTake Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Arhh.. I just wanna break something now. Like a table or something... Don't break a table, Break it off! Tell her if you want to ride a roller coaster, you'll go to Disney. Then hang up the phone. Give it a few days. At the very least, she'll have time to REALLY think about what she wants. Likely, it will be you but by the time you give in, she be a whole new her. One you can trust and deal with again.
Author bumbaclot Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 salmagundi: what you say makes sense. I think along the same lines. I really don't want this to end like that though. I have hopes that she will figure herself out and it will ok. As I said it all started really nice and the big change came after she quit the university. So I hope she figures that one out and it will be ok. But then again, if she keeps making contact with her ex, then it'll ruin everything for all three of us. GiveAndTake: that was sort of my plan. Just wait it off a few days. Cool down and see how I feel and how she feels.
salmagundi Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 It seems like you know what to do, I mean, let her chill and think is a good idea. best to give her the impression that you've got the balls to move on if she cant be straight with you and make up her mind. I know what you mean when you...well basically...say you dont want to give up on her yet...because it "started off so nice." I dont doubt it. When me and my ex started seeing each other it was the maddest passion of my life. I mean I seriously was telling myself that I actually...REALLY felt...you know...love. But now I'm in a different place where I can be a bit more objective. What I did is basically throw good money after bad. What economists call the "sunk cost fallacy." You know, where you invest in something and it starts going bad but you've already got so much tied into your investment that you think, "well maybe if I just invest a little more and hang in there it'll turn around and eventually I'll get my investment back...." Now, I would never compare love to economics. But infatuation? Absolutely. Infatuation with the wrong person is a lot like a nigerian credit card scam. You've got so much invested that you feel you cant afford to lose. So you hang on and hope you'll get it back. I dont know, what I'm saying is do what you need to do but be careful about doing what I did, which is to avoid red flags and tell myself to keep hanging onto a relationship that was giving me every sign it was...a nigerian credit card scam. You can invest your time, brains, looks personality charm etc in any number of women who wont cause you the grief that this girl is clearly promising you...it seems at least to me, eh? But if you decide to stick around, thats fine too. Just remembber to...well...watch your investment, and get out before it crashes. salmagundi
Author bumbaclot Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 salmagundi: I like your analogy, makes me think more than twice
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