BigMac1 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 14 years ago I was engaged to be married. This person was my confidant and friend. Still is. The engagement lasted 1.5 yr. For whatever reason we broke up and went our separate ways. I got married about 10 years ago to a lovely woman that I love very much. To make the long story short, I met the first lady again about 4 years ago in a mall. We hit it off right from the start. At first I felt very uncomfortable even talking to her. But as time progressed, I felt safe in my relationship with my wife. The first woman never got married but had several relationships that for whatever reason failed. We see each other several times a month. We have lunch and talk about our problems or just chew the fat. We feel comfortable with our relationship, kinda like brother & sister. We have no physical contact. She respects that I'm married and said that she would never do anything to upset that. She just feels very comfortable talking to someone that listens and doesn't downgrade her. I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her. Wife knows this lady but doesn't know we still communicate. There are things that the first lady knows about me that my wife doesn't. I have never opened myself up to anyone. My wife and I communicate very well. There are things that I tell my friend that I cannot tell my wife. There are times that you just do not spill everything out to your mate. Everybody has skeletons in their closet. I guess I'm rambleling now so I put it to you, Is this considered cheating or unfaithful?
JadeStar Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I would say you're on the verge on an emotional affair, if not involved in it already. You're telling her things you're not telling or have told your wife. Thats not good. You even stated your wife doesn't know you all still communicate. You also say that you and your wife communicate very well, if thats the case you should be talking to your wife not this lady from the past. Its one thing to talk to her when you first saw her again, briefly, but to continue to talk with her, having lunches etc, its not good. You might want to come clean with your wife on your conversations with this other lady. If you feel thats not best, then you need to break ties with this other lady. And even if you tell your wife, you still need to break ties with the other lady. Jade
Kenyth Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Anytime you have a relationship with someone that you hide from your spouse, it's wrong. That's why you're hiding it. People tend to be experts at making excuses for themselves and ignoring the obvious defining details.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 If your friendship is being kept SECRET from your wife...then 'yes' you are cheating. The emotional intimacy that you're sharing outside the marriage is detrimental to developing emotional intimacy within the marriage. And Jade's right. It's risky behavior that can escalate into a full-blown affair.
Skeered Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I think you posted this in hopes that people would write and say "ohhhhhh no your fine it's healthy...blah blah blah"...but case in point if you have to ask that question you already know the answer. Just as everyone has said already if you are having a relationship that your spouse does not know about that is an affair...too many people relate affair with sex only..this is not true. Definition of affair is: a procedure, action, or occassion only vaguely specified. A romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration.
Chump64 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 "I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her." Then run like the wind, from the other woman. Trust me. I am the betrayed spouse in my situation. If you can stop now, and avoid heaping tons of pain and hurt on your spouse, do it. Otherwise, you will destroy her. If you can't stop, then have the balls to leave your wife. Don't go down this road if you really love your wife. In a healthy marriage, there is no room for secret relationships with people of the opposite sex.
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 If you think nothing is wrong with being her friend, then ask your wife to join you both on every outing you have with her. They may also become friends. It would give you a good indication of whether or not you have a romantic interest in her or not.... If you choose not to include your wife, then you need to cut the ties with the other friend.
Presario Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 BigMac1, what do you expect to hear here? You have a secret romantic relationship with your old crush. You write you would never hurt your wife, but you already are doing this. Get real.
Jeffrey Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 If you can't share with your wife 100% of what you're sharing with this woman, then you're cheating (in a manner of speaking) and should reconsider what you're doing if you value your marriage.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 At first I felt very uncomfortable even talking to her. Why? Ask yourself that ONE question...I mean, I think your GUT reaction right away KNEW that it wasn't right. The past has to stay in the past. If you didn't run into her, allow "it" to grow again, the friendship - Then all would be completely fine with your wife now, right? I have to ask WHY you allowed that door to be opened. I think your wife WILL be upset when she finds out you two have been hanging out and talking. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If your wife had an EXboyfriend in the picture, someone who she knew so well, and knew things about her that you didn't know. She could sit and talk to him, tell him anything and everything. Don't you think you'd feel abit pissed off about that friendship?? Wonder WHY she isn't talking to you and opening up to you? You're dangerously close to an affair. YOU may not be romantically interested in your ex, but what if she is falling for you? Ever think of that? What if she decides she wants you...And then tries to pursue you. And tells your wife that you two are "close." What then?
witabix Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 All of the above and......... If you have to ask the question, then yes you are cheating.
whichwayisup Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Let me ask this. Would you invite your EX over for dinner to meet your wife? Or all three of you go out for dinner? DO you really feel that would be cool? Comfortable? If you 100% can say you'd be fine with it and really believe that your wife wouldn't be bothered a tiny bit about this new budding friendship, then try it. PS: Oh and what if your ex is jealous of your wife and what you two have.
Curmudgeon Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Sounds to me like a clear-cut case of emotional adultery!
tweldy Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Think of it this way: You're on a slippery edge of a cliff over a pit of despair, destruction, and anguish, which you can discern from where you're standing quite clearly, and you're asking, "Am I too close?" Instead of thinking about this as an emotional affair, or cheating, or not quite cheating, or extra-maritial/non-touching intimacy, or "What, exactly, do I have to do to actually be *technically* cheating so that I can get as close as possible without crossing the line?", think of it as an opportunity to put your energy towards fixing whatever isn't quite right in your marriage so you don't have skeletons in your closet. Sorry to be harsh, but I just can't imagine I'm telling you something that you don't know already. If it is something you don't know already, spend a couple hours reading threads in the cheating forum.
JamesM Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 You asked the question ....knowing the answer. Of course you are...it has been stated already. Tell your wife about the coffees and lunches, then it will be just that....meeting with an old friend. Then the answers would be no...enjoy. Butr I am willing to guess that you don't want to because there is a thrill at meeting in private. This is called standing too close to the fire. When I have had the similar question, I ask myself..."What if my wife started meeting with an old boyfriend? How would I feel?" And,"Do I feel comfortable telling my wife about this relationship, and will I be able to tell her what we talk about?" If I answer no to any of the above, the answer is clear. As said earlier, any action, relationship, etc. that is kept from our partner may be cheating (I said may).....IF we dare not tell our partner.
Butterflying Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Yes you are cheating if your wife doesn't know about your frequent communication, especially since this is an EX. If it's really as innocent as you say, then your ex should have no problems with having these luncheons with you and your wife together. I know you mean well. I actually dated a guy who did this to me. We we're engaged to be married. Little things started happening to make me suspicious. He left his cell phone home by accident one day. The XGF just happend to call about one of thier dates. My heart literally stopped for a moment. All I could do was cry. Then I got angry. Of course my XBF said it was innocent and he kept communication with the XGF secret from me because he was affraid I wouldn't be able to handle it. Maybe it was innocent. But the fact that he lied about it, or kept it from me is what made it wrong. They were setting the stage for an affair. All I could think was, 'how long did they intend to continue their privite relationship?' Our marriage was supposed to last forever. It's impossible to keep a relationship secret forever. Eventually, someone is bound to get hurt. Right now, you are flirting with disaster. Talk to your wife about this relationship with your EX. She loves you. You should feel comfortable enoutgh to share your secrets with her, not some other woman.
nicolette Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I was in a similar situation with a guy I knew (not an ex) about 3 years ago. I knew him because he was friends with my boyfriend. I noticed that I would go online just to see if he was there so we could talk, we made a few plans to go out to get coffee, drinks, etc. I noticed that I could really talk to this guy, about more things than I could to my boyfriend. What happened is that because I could talk to this guy about more things, I felt as though he understood me better. I never loved my boyfriend any less, it was just being a little over-shadowed by this guy. I was always thinking of him, even when I was with my bf. Do you think about this woman when you are not with her? I realized that I was starting to really like him. But even then, I couldn't help wonder how I could like someone, when I had this amazing bf who treated me like gold. Anyway, the other guy ended up emailing me about all his feelings for me. I, like an idiot, admitted my growing feelings to him as well. A few months later, I broke up with Mr. Wonderful, and the other guy expected me to go right to him...like I said, this was my bf's friend, so there was no way I was going to rush it anyway. But once I lost the great bf, and had a chance with the other guy, I had no feelings for him anymore. All I wanted was my perfect bf back! The other guy was really pressuring me into a relationship, and he eventually gave up b/c he realized that I wanted my bf back. He treated me horribly, which I guess I deserved because I did lead him on. Well, me and the bf did get back together, but I was still overwhelmed with guilt! He was still friends with the other guy, and they still hung out. I knew something would get out eventually, so I knew I had to tell my bf. After I told him, it took him a while to forgive me. I can't blame him, I was just happy he was willing to forgive me after that. Like I said, that was 3 years ago. Everything is fine now, but looking back at it, I can't believe I did that! I never did anything physical with the guy, it was all emotional. As for your situation, it seems like you still do have feelings for this woman. You'll probably try to deny it, but come on, you're sneaking around with this woman to various places ( I did the same thing). I know it's not physcial, but there are definitely feelings involved. If there were no feelings involved, you wouldn't mind telling your wife. You have not told her by now because you might be afraid that if you do tell her, she'll tell you that she does not want you befriending your ex, and that would mean that you "are not allowed to see her." Of course it does not make you a bad person, but it does sound like an emotional affair, and you need to nip it in the butt if you still want your wife. Trust me....you will start to feel guilty (but you must already if you posted the question in the first place)...and it is not worth damaging your marriage. I know you said that you can talk to this woman about anything, but are you talking about your wife to her? That is when you know it could get bad. I did that, and I still feel horrible about it. Emotional cheating is when you confide in someone else other than your partner. This is what you are doing. You should end it before things go any further. I know it's tough, but think about what you have already!Good luck!
KonRyuu Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 This has to be one of the dumbest questions I've ever heard. The easiest way to answer this question, is not to ask other people such as us. The one to be asking, is yourself. This is how you do it. If it were your wife with one of her ex-fiances/boyfriends and she wasn't telling you about it and her ex knew more things about her than you did, would you not be really, really pissed? No offense but frankly if I were your wife and I found out about it, I'd slap you across the face and beat the sh** out of your ex-fiance. Like others have posted, you don't need to have physical contact with a person to be cheating. This is actually why 50% of marriages end up in divorce, you see, because back in like the 60's Men had male friends and women had female friends, nowadays, it's a mix of both, which causes a lot of jealousy and other issues as well, best off to stick with male and male friendships and your wife female and female. Or maybe you should tell your wife about what's going on, if she accepts it, and believe me, she may say that she does, but sometimes you need to read between the lines when it comes to women, they like to hide their emotions and hope that you can figure them out anyway, it's just how they are (no offense, lol.) I can pretty much 100% guarantee that your wife will not agree with it and if you want to have a healthy relationship with your wife, you need to let the past be the past and forget all about your ex-fiance, moving would not be a bad idea, as long as it is possible with your jobs and all. not saying that you want to be with this girl, but if it hasn't, it will un-doubtfully come to the point where you develop strong feelings for her.) Don't forget, even if you do have feelings for your ex still. She is your EX and there is a reason for this things didn't work out, are you really willing to put a 10 year marriage at risk to go and make a stupid decision like this. Just picture this, if you choose her over your wife, you divorce, then you and your ex get back together, if ANYTHING goes wrong with it, then you are stuck alone with nobody, you should watch the movie ALFY it portrays a very similar thing, only he wasn't married nor with the girl for 10 years.
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