Shell Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 My partner has lived with me for 7 months (not very long) - he admitted he looked at porn on the internet when he was single, but when i asked if he still did it, he said no - he no longer needs to as he has me. However, i found out that he does look at it - frequently, when he nips upstairs to the computer. I had already told him that i didnt mind if he viewed it, and we should maybe share the experience. he continued to say he didnt look at it. When i told him i knew he was looking at it, he continued to lie, until eventually, he said he did I can cope with him looking, but find it hard to accept why he felt he needed to lie. Can anyone shed any light on this? Maybe i just dont understand men.
JadeStar Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I myself have never really understood why some people will lie about things, when theres proof right infront of peoples faces. Hard to say why for sure. Its possible he felt embarrassed, or ashamed because he told you that he no longer needed it. Comes from a family of being critizied, or ridiculed for things he has done in the past, there fore he feels the need to lie, etc.Or maybe he feels thats his privacy time and no one elses business. Hopefully since you said you felt you both could use it together he wont feel the need to lie anymore. If he were to continue to lie about it, then I would say its not really about the porn, but maybe a deeper issue. Jade
d'Arthez Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Probably he lies about it because he is conflicted. He knows that he does it, but he has perhaps a hard time understanding that you are truly okay with it, and not accept it as a flaw of some sorts - which seems to be often the case. It is a flawed way of protecting you, from the perceived expectancy of hurting you, when he would admit it. Then there is the issue of morality. If people are brought up with strict morals on the subject, it is very hard to admit to having commited a "sin" (according to those morals), and thus come up with a lot of excuses or rationalizations, thus implying that he has not seen porn, or that it was innocent / set-up. Talk more about it, as this seems to point to sub-optimal ways of dealing with each other in the relationship. Things that can be solved though.
Author Shell Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 what you said sounds very reasonable, and you are probably right, I think he was embarassed, but what he didnt seem to realise, that by lying about that, it made me wonder what else he could lie about. maybe im being unreasonable, I dont really know. Guess i should just accept that he does it and get on with more important things in life.
Author Shell Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 Hi Jadestar, you are right, he was heavily critisized whilst he was brought up and admits to having a problem with it now. He feels im criticizing him all the time and I cant seem to say anything to him, without him taking it very personally. thing is, he is a lovely bloke, but I never know where I am with him as he is so unemotional and quiet.
honestguy Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 just leave him alone about the porn, don't worry about it
Outcast Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 John Gray has written some really good stuff about what criticism does to guys. Seems they need to feel that they're doing a good job and running the show well and so to hear that they're not apparently makes them feel quite bad since they're not doing a 'man's job'. And if he's been criticized a lot when he was young, he'll be that much more easily damaged. It might be worth going to speak to a counsellor - with him or even on your own - to learn the best ways to communicate with a sensitive guy. And for sure don't beat up on him over this 'lie'. This 'lie' is like the 'lie' about how much the shoes cost or how much chocolate you ate; not a lie like 'I did not sleep with that girl'. And I know that John Grey isn't perfect and I also know that there are probably some guys who don't feel the same way but I think his theory is valid in this case.
d'Arthez Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 John Gray... ... John Grey... Which is it? But I agree with you.
Outcast Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 LOL I used to think it was Grey but it is Gray LOL. My fingers need to keep up.
Author Shell Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 Things seem to be going from bad to worse! I now find out that he is still linking up with dating sites and checking out who has viewed him. Surely if he intends spending the rest of his life with me, he has no reason at all to continue with this. Im I missing something here? I know i sound like im paranoid, but i instinctively feel that something is not right. I have already suggested going to relate, and he has agreed to come with me. I would welcome any views on this please.
d'Arthez Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Things seem to be going from bad to worse! I now find out that he is still linking up with dating sites and checking out who has viewed him Could be two things: 1. He is possibly looking for a different girlfriend. 2. He has a psychological issue, which makes him perceive other's interest in him as an ego boost. Is he emailing these people? If not, probably #2 applies. If he does and pretends he is single, probably #1 applies . Going to Relate seems like a very good step to take. It is not just your problem nor is it solely his (although he is behaving in strange ways, at least in your perception).
Jeffrey Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 It could be nothing, masturbation is often times a very personal and private issue to a lot of people (especially if they're taught that it's wrong), especially men who often reluctant to share feelings in the first place. Or it could be more, only he knows that.
Author Shell Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Could be two things: 1. He is possibly looking for a different girlfriend. 2. He has a psychological issue, which makes him perceive other's interest in him as an ego boost. Is he emailing these people? If not, probably #2 applies. If he does and pretends he is single, probably #1 applies . Going to Relate seems like a very good step to take. It is not just your problem nor is it solely his (although he is behaving in strange ways, at least in your perception). Hi, Im not aware that he is replying to any of them.
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