TeaCooler Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Are some people too defensive? it seems like girls here are just more ready to attack when they THINK people are bashing, when that's not what they're doing. Please realize that just because somebody doesn't agree with you, doesn't mean they're bashing. yes, yes, and yes. right on, erika.
cygny Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 the other day i opened this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81738/ and was really interested to know what the end of the story was. i was really surprised and a little p-o'd that people were jumping all over the OP. Does a person have to justify their interest in an affair if they post it here? if so, why? personally, i thought it was a very interesting topic. anyone care to comment?
newbby Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 well, personally, i did not jump all over her. so i dont know if you want my comments or not.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 the other day i opened this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81738/ and was really interested to know what the end of the story was. i was really surprised and a little p-o'd that people were jumping all over the OP. Does a person have to justify their interest in an affair if they post it here? if so, why? personally, i thought it was a very interesting topic. anyone care to comment? I think alot of threads drift a bit off-topic. Folks get to talking and then other questions come up. That's sort of natural I think. I had the feeling that most of the posters who questioned the OP's interest in the subject were honestly perplexed. The OP apparently didn't really know any of the principle players that well. She had nothing personal invested in them. I think some folks were just curious as to why it bugged her so much. Overall, it might have been a better post in the Business/Professional forum. When you're coworkers are behaving in ways that are unprofessional, it makes the work environment uncomfortable for everyone around them. What steps do you take when your place of business has become something of a gossip mill? Should it be addressed? And if so, how does one go about it? It's an interesting topic....just maybe a bit misplaced in the OM/OW forum.
bluechocolate Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 the other day i opened this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81738/ and was really interested to know what the end of the story was. i was really surprised and a little p-o'd that people were jumping all over the OP. Does a person have to justify their interest in an affair if they post it here? if so, why? personally, i thought it was a very interesting topic. anyone care to comment? I read that thread. I didn't get the impression that people were jumping all over her at all. I too was perplexed as to why someone would still be wondering/worrying about something like this after 3 years. Seemed like gossip dressed up as moral indignation IMO.
Author erika2610 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 I read that thread. I didn't get the impression that people were jumping all over her at all. I too was perplexed as to why someone would still be wondering/worrying about something like this after 3 years. Seemed like gossip dressed up as moral indignation IMO. That was I believe the majority of opinions. Nobody jumped all over her. We simply asked her why she did it. Just because people disagreed, didn't mean people jumped on her. People just didn't understand why she was still asking people about it years later.. that's all.
scarletletter Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I read about this forum carefully before I posted. I was under the impression that it was a forum for support and such from other women who were in the same position that I was in. I have found that many of the comments come from people that just have an opinion of the OW/MM thing. It's all okay with me because I don't hear anything that I haven't heard before. But between the negative comments there are truly some individuals that are in the same boat and it is nice to hear from them and share stories. Like I have said before, everyone has a story and they come here to share thoughts. Even when I hear things that are not so nice, it is not something that I cannot handle. Everyone has a right to their opinion but if you have not experienced being the OW/MM, the "bashing" and "you are the worst person in the world" and the "he will never leave his wife" stuff sort of bounces right off of me.
silktricks Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 But he is loved in his relationships. That's why he gets forgiveness for his actions. In my opinion he gets forgiveness and the OW gets all the blame from the W, and the W gets the blame from the OW, because HE is the object of desire for both women. Unless they actually leave him (or are left by him) neither woman will view him objectively.
Sami_D Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I get what your saying about seeing both sides. I can usually argue both sides of an issue myself. Like I said, you can argue nearly anything to the point of meaningless though. At some point, if you don't stand up for something...everything becomes chaos. Empathy is just the ability 'to walk a mile in the other guys shoes'. That comes pretty easy to me for the most part....but NOT when my temper is engaged. What the OW/OM does is destructive. It lacks empathy. To be sure, the OW empathizes with the MM....but not the BS, at least not usually enough to stop her from what she's doing. And her empathy suits HER. She gains from it in receiving the attention she craves from the MM. So it's not altuistic empathy. Infidelity deconstructs families. And our society is largely family oriented. Because the OW is an interloper, a destructive element, she's not going to be well received. She's going to attract a "defensive" reaction. People are likely to 'circle the wagons' and try to protect the value system they believe in...lest it fade away. She's "engaging tempers". If she's living outside her own value system, she's expecting the worst from people. She's already on the defensive because of her internal struggles. When someone triggers her defensive reaction....it's likely to be a bit more explosive than what is sometimes strictly warrented. Having the ability to empathise with other people is one thing. Very useful on LS, but not the only thing useful. Actually, I think that it's over-emphasised as a necessity on the OW forum because of the Assumption that everyone is going to be DOWN on the OW's position and it would take a very empathetic person to actually get past that and see to the person behind it. But that's bull. All it takes is an ability to see past the prejudice. No more empathy is required than in any other forum. I'm not sure what you mean by 'being an OW lacks empathy'... in the context of the boards. I suppose you mean that being an OW means you can ignore how the W might feel. That isn't lacking in empathy. That's seeing your R with the MM as a thing isolated from anything to do with a woman you don't know. IF I knew MM's wife from her posting on LS I am pretty sure I would empathise with her. Empathy and your life choices dont' necessarily correlate. Or is that what you're saying..? The rest of your post talks about the OW 'craving attention' being 'destructive' ( not always... there is the well-documented man gets a lover and his marriage gets better effect), feeling 'defensive' (possibly, but not for the reasons you give, more for the fact that your entire being is attacked constantly whenever you mention what you're doing ~ just as newbby says). Some of what you say rings true... some of it is supposition or just wrong, based on generalities. Good thread, though.
Sami_D Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Infidelity is all about LIES. If there weren't lies...it would be "open marriage". Still adultery to the minds of many, but I digress.... If you have to live your life in a LIE in order to find your happiness...you can pretty much bet you're looking in the wrong place, much as you said here: "its just people trying to be happy, and looking in all the wrong places". I've been around a little bit....and IMHO, romantic love is NOT enough to make a person happy for the balance of their life. Chopping your post about a bit. But. Infidelity involves LIES to the W. Not necessarily anywhere else. Though from what I read most of the time there are quite a few lies to everyone else involved, from the MM. I agree, romantic love isn't 'enough'... but it is very very important, and basic, to a whole lot of people... enough that they will go outside their M to get it... even if they might not leave that M (for various reasons) because of it.
elmejor Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Exactly, Sami. A common opinion here seems to be that "he would leave his W if he really loved the OW." That's very simplistic, serving only to placate e W, really. Some OW love their MM enough to accept the fact that they cannot be with him constantly, that he cannot divorce--at least not yet. Wives can howl all night that I'm rationalizing here, but these situations do exist--it's part of the reality of life. And LJ, with all due respect, your previous posts indicating that an PA is more "destructive" than a EA in a marriage is very revealing, imo. Surely a person can engage in the "act" with anyone, but to be emotionally involved shows a deeper level of involvement, but you see it the other way around? As for the idea that "infidelity causes the destruction of families" the opposite can also be argued that it's preferable for person to be with someone they truly love, rather than someone they're obligated to be with. The idea that the nuclear family unit is always best simply isn't true. It does become tedious to read the same narrow-minded opinions over and over--a lot of it self-righteous gibberish, really. Life does not occur in some totally predictable, unwavering manner.
Barby Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 You're just another bitter, bashing betrayed wife at that point...or maybe "the morality police" (an oldie but a goodie.) :lmao: shhh don't get the morality police started again!!! hahahaha!
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