How to cope with things!?!

[Jools]

I’ve posted on various other threads but thought I’d post here to ask for some advice on how to cope with a few things.

 

Now that I’ve decided on the approach I’m going to take, basically I still want to be friends as we are best m8s but I’ll be changing the way I am towards her to try and stop setting myself up for falls. What I’m really after is any advice on how to cope with the way that I feel, not my feelings for her but the way I physically feel when I’m not with her, when she’s with her boyfriend and when I think about her and about my regrets.

 

Every day I have butterflies in my stomach, I feel anxious and every now and then something will heighten this anxiety, my heart will start to race, my breathing will increase and the butterflies in my stomach will get worse. This happens every day, and has done for over two months so far and although in isolation it wouldn’t be that bad, it is all day, every day and it is really building up. I find that I’m on edge every day and other areas of my life are being affected, my work is slipping and my social life is taking a hit.

 

I’m basically after and ways that other people may have found to try and calm themselves and cope with feeling this way. I know its important to keep busy, to go out with friends etc and I do try and do that as often as I can but obviously that’s not always possible, sometimes I’m at home alone and just find myself sitting in my room, getting worked up, upset and anxious.

 

I know with time it will get easier but right here and now I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and so all I can hope for is to try and cope better with the way I’m feeling. Any advice on how to cope with feeling like this would be much appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Bubster]

The only logical approach is NC. U obviously still haven’t healed from the break-up. As soon as I started NC it was real hard, heck it still is. Don’t settle for friends, it NEVER works. U can’t b friends with a person who u still have feelings for.

I bet u don’t even sleep properly; n your personal grooming is lagging. I also recon ur self-esteem is at an all time low. Doing NC will allow u 2 heal, n soon ur perspective of things will clear up, n u’ll soon c that being her ‘friend’ is, sorry, absolute BS. Unless u gotta kid with her, there is no point in being in her life.

U’ll also never b calm, I know what ur talking about, especially cos she has a BF. It still happens occasionally in NC, but at least I can eat food again! Just remember that u deserve better than this, n u should stop torturing urself, cos being around her, puts ur life on hold. Doing NC will make u a stronger, better person. Who knows, maybe 1 day she’ll bump in2 the new u, n ask u out, n u decline, cos u gotta hot date! There are a lot of people in ur same situation here on LS. N I’m sure u’ll b posting soon cos she keeps trying to contact u! Piece of advice, search the posts, n c how people handled it.

Good luck

[will_d]

I know Jools that u dont want to hear that NC is the best way... u just want to be able to still have her for support but i definitely agree with bubster 110%.

 

I have been doing NC for just over a week now after breaking it when i saw my ex out. I know how hard it can be and that u have relied on her when u needed to talk to someone. But i'm afraid u will carry on to feel the way u do at the moment unless you decide on NC... u still want her and i think that deep down u believe that by staying friends u will be able to change her mind or to step in if her BF leaves. It cant be that way, u will only do more damage to yourself.

 

NC is very hard, takes discipline and courage, it definitely isn't easy but the alternative is to feel the way u do now and to feel even worse. U need to take some time out... for the first few weeks not seeing her u will feel just as low as u do now, i know that i do. But i really do believe that its for the best and i know it will get easier. Spend more time with your friends and try to find something new to do... as i am sure u know. When your alone and get upset, i know i find myself like that, take some deep breaths and turn your mind to something happy in your life. Watch more things or do more things that make u laugh... even though u dont feel like it trust me it works, this feeling is all about chemistry in your body and laughing/exercising releases some feel good chemicals. Remind yourself of what u didnt like about how things were, most importantly remember that u r strong and that you will get through this.

[Jools]

One slight correction to your post, we haven't broken up, we haven't been together but are very close, i've fallen in love with her and want to be with her however for the time being there's the complication of the boyfriend. I really can't see myself going the NC route, no matter how much i'm told, to me it just isn't an option. She's very special to me, she's my best friend and in time i hope to be with her. I also work with her so NC really isn't an option.

 

However for the time being i'm just trying to keep my sanity and cope with the way i feel each day. I'm trying to cope with the anxiety i feel when i know she's with her boyfriend and when i'm alone with only my own thoughts for company.

 

I know other people might not understand why i'm taking the approach i am but all i can say is that i love her more than i ever have anyone before, she is incredibly special to me and i suppose i would probably be taking a different approach if it was after a break up but its not, i'm just in the right place at the wrong time and have to bide my time till hopefully i can be with her.

 

Make any sense?

[will_d]

does she know how u feel about her? im sorry to say but what happens if she never leaves her BF?

 

i can understand that u want this girl... i was the same and would have done anything, but sometimes it will never work out because of the circumstances, not what u want to hear... i know.

 

Work makes things worse for NC... its difficult... i still think u should try to step bac abit though, if she does know how u feel, at the moment she gets your support and the feeling of being wanted by u, its unfair on u. As u say your in the right place at the wrong time... understand that u cannot wait for ever though, its hard and the more u feel the worse it will be in the future... this path leads to more pain, the worse thing is i think u know that.

 

Try to step bac bud u or u will do yourself even more damage trust me... ive been there.

[Jools]

Thanks will. yeah she knows exactly how I feel and how much. and I know for a fact that in a different time without her already being with someone else, we would be together.

 

I know its difficult and trust me I do realise that I can't go on like this forever, I realise that theres a possibility she might be with her bf for a while to come and I'm not looking at waiting for her till I'm old and grey. I think I'm slowly coming to terms that I might have to do without her and try and move on somehow, not to keep my hopes up that something might happen and if something happens in the future then so be it.

 

however right now, she's still the only thing I can think of from when I wake to when I sleep. and most of the time in my dreams too. she still brightens my day everytime I see her and just being in the same room as her makes me feel on top of the world. its difficult for me to want to give up on her but I realise at some point I will have to as I will just feel worse and worse until I can't function anymore.

 

I took her out for lunch today, gave her what I got for her for valentines and then made a conscious decision that I would no longer spoil her, would no longer treat her like she was mine and would no longer keep reinforcing my feelings towards her. if in the end she wants these things from me she knows how she can get them.

 

I think this may be the first step in my moving on since the whole sorry saga started very complicatedly 2 1/2 months ago.

[will_d]

well thats good to hear, but its harder to stick to it.

 

As u said your not with her, yet she is happy to take something off u for valentines? knowing that her BF wouldnt approve... not a good thing for him to be sure, but also not for u because how would u be if eventually your in his role. dont go thinking it would be different... i learnt the hard way my ex cheated on her previous BF and then, surprise, she cheated on me to.

 

shes happy to have your affection and as a back-up... i know that sounds harsh and not what u want to hear... i know i wouldnt want to hear it if i was u... because i didnt listen when i was told, but look at it from the outside.

 

i hope things do work out for u... but try to protect yourself as much as possible bud.

[Jools]

yeah will, I think the long and the short of it is that at the moment she's with her boyfriend and for whatever reason she doesn't want to leave him. today she said something along the lines of, 'there's someone elses feelings involved' and I do understand that and that it would be selfish of me to expect her to just drop everything she has for me. although at the same time she's willing to take all the emotional support and lap up all the affection I give her and accept me taking her out for lunch and buying her gifts etc. however with the decision i've made today, i'm planning on cutting back on that aspect of our relationship and we'll see how she is with that.

 

altho i've said to myself that that's how I'm going to be, I suppose the real test will be what happens when I see her tomorrow? will I stick to my decision or will I fall back into old habits? hopefully it'll be the former for my sake.

 

cheers for the advice and support guys