AmItheOne Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Ok...here's the background. I met my current boyfriend one month after a bad breakup with my ex-fiance and 6 months after his divorce was final. That was a year and 8 months ago. I am 26 and he is 30 and in the past two years we have both gone through some major changes. About 6 months into our relationship he took a job 8 hours away from me then about 6 months later I graduated from college and moved to a new city where we are now only 3 hours away from each other. Things are pretty good between us, I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship and her father died 2 years ago in a car accident, so between that and the distance, it is sometimes hard to see each other but we do the best we can. The thing is, he still brings up his ex-wife a lot and I know that their divorce was very hard for him, so I try to be understanding. We have never told each other "I love you" and that worries me a little bit because it seems that after almost 2 years we should know that by now. He says he isn't ready to move past a certain point but has never elaborated on what that certain point is. We talk about the future, I am working on my MBA and he is going back to college, and I always have in the back of my mind that our futures never seem to coincide. I am not looking for a new "daddy" for my daughter as I have been her only parent in her life since birth...but I do want to get married and have a future with someone. I don't want to waste anymore time and I get scared sometimes that he will never be ready to move past that "certain point" because his ex-wife hurt him so bad. Any advice? I know I am not a spinster...and posting this probably has more to do with the fact that my younger sister got married a year ago and my brother is popping the question to his girlfriend tomorrow but it is something that has been bothering me for quite a while and I don't feel like I can approach him about it because our time together is so limited as it is.
roxy_1980 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 The thing about LDRs, they need to have a foreseeable ending for them to effectively go anywhere. If he's completely unwillingly to go "past a certain point", is it really worth trying to work out the distance thing so your lives will coincide? Unavailable men, ahhh, the agony!!! Here pulling for ya, Roxy
bluechocolate Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Roxy is right: The thing about LDRs, they need to have a foreseeable ending for them to effectively go anywhere. It sounds like he hasn't processed this divorce fully. Unfortunately he may need to get to this 'certain point' of his on his own.
Author AmItheOne Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Roxy is right: Unfortunately he may need to get to this 'certain point' of his on his own. That is what I have been thinking. The question is...do I need to distance myself from him so that he can "process" his divorce and reach that "certain point". We travel a lot together and he is very involved in my family, vacationing with us and such. I'm just not sure if I need to tell him that I am at the point where I want things to progress into more and that I need him to be able to proceed with me and until he is, we can't keep doing what we are doing, because why would he want to move forward when he is comfortable where we are and he still has me in his life. I don't want to play games with him but I want him to understand the gravity of the situation for me. It's not like I want to get married tomorrow or anything, I want to finish my MBA and I want him to finish his degree...but I believe that we should at least be talking about OUR future when those goals are accomplished.
bluechocolate Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 After having lived in the same country for 2 years my job took me half way around the world and I found myself in a looooong distance relationship. After 2 years of that I decided for myself that either we were together or it was over because I didn't want to waste anymore time in limbo. Then we made plans & set dates & made it happen. Don't ever fall for the destiny line - things happen because we make them happen. ...but I believe that we should at least be talking about OUR future when those goals are accomplished. Then by all means have that conversation. It's imperative that you do. If you are to have a future together it is important that you openly communicate your feelings on these matters. If he cannot see forward far enough to know what he wants then you'll have to decide if, or how long, you want to wait.
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