somegal1GUST29 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Sorry this is long but I could really use some advice... I recently slept w/a guy I’ve known a few years, we've slept 2-gether once & it was a year after I ended a 6 yr RL (which he knew of). We discussed it for a few mths beforehand & that it should just be casual. He called the day after & he kept in touch for several days thereafter. I had to go away on business for a few weeks which I didn’t tell him about & we didn’t speak during that time. I texted him about a month after I got back, it was late at night & I basically told him I was horny & asked him to come over (I only text him when it's late & I'm out w/friends at a bar or something). He wanted to but asked me to come to his place instead. I didn't want to drive over that late so I asked him to just come over another time. So we continue texting back & forth for a couple weeks, he always replies back the minute I text him even on the weekends. Normally he’s flirtatious w/me but now he's being less flirtatious & instead asks me questions such as "why do I want to see him now after not hearing from me in a while" or "where was I that night" or "if I was out w/a guy". I’ve pretty much laid out the invitation that I am very attracted to him & want to be w/him again sexually, so when he asks me these questions I’ll either dodge it or I don't reply back. So I last saw him @a bar. He was staring at me so I went over & said hi on my way to the bathroom. He seemed happy to see me asked me some questions & then I excused myself to go back over to where my friends were. When I walked past him he grabbed my hand & asked me why/if I was leaving? I said no & that I’d see him later. About an hour later I went over to another part of the bar & he came over to make small talk. Maybe I came off as disinterested but I was glad to see him. So he went back over to his side of the bar & pretty much just stared at me all night. My friends even noticed & kept asking me why is he staring at you like that? So, what do you think is going on? Am I not making myself available enough, am I sending out the wrong signals or is he just not interested in sleeping w/me again? Thanks!
roxy_1980 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Ummm, it sounds like he's interested in a relationship. Why else would he be worried/offended when you don't talk for a while? This often happens in FWB relationship, someone gets attached.
Author somegal1GUST29 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Thanks for your reply Roxy but I don't think he's interested in a RL. The few months we spoke before having sex, he told me that I wouldn't want a relationship with him, that he was afraid I'd get attached too soon but that if we took it slow it could work. I admit when he said that I was kind of taken back as I never did or said anything to imply that I was looking for anything beyond sex. I would go weeks without contacting & like I said I'd only contact him late at night from a bar or something, I never would call just to talk - he'd actually contact me during the day or when I was at work & this carried on for a couple months. All in all, I would say it has been even on who contacts who first & the only thing that has changed is now when I try to suggest having sex, he kind of backs off & asks me these random questions almost as if he is trying to get me to be more aggressive w/him???
filarena Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Thanks for your reply Roxy but I don't think he's interested in a RL. The few months we spoke before having sex, he told me that I wouldn't want a relationship with him, that he was afraid I'd get attached too soon but that if we took it slow it could work. I admit when he said that I was kind of taken back as I never did or said anything to imply that I was looking for anything beyond sex. That's called projecting. When two people are making plans that in no way suggest a relationship and one says by the way, I don't know if dating would be a good idea, it means they want to. They probably see some risks involved, but they want to. They are rationalizing to themselves why they shouldn't want it when they tell you it's not a good idea.
Groovy Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I have to agree with these replies. A guy I was involved with recently did this to me, acted like he didn't care and said he wasn't ready for a relationship. But it came through sometimes as jealousy if I dated someone, he was calling me a lot, etc. He may also have mixed feelings of enjoying his freedom and yet feelings for you seeping into that. Ask yourself if you would have a relationship with him? If so talk to him, what will you lose? And if your not interested just avoid him, including the sexual encounters. It's sounds like what you two are doing now isn't working.
BlahBlahQueen Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Oh yeah, he wants you bad. He was probably expecting you to get way more attached than you did, and is probably upset at that, and it's making those thoughts bubble and boil in his head. But be forewarned that if you did make a move to the contrary, it might put his mind to rest and cool him off. Like the proverbial cat-and-mouse chase. Your best bet is to talk to him about it in a very direct and adult manner, and then there can be no misunderstanding.
Guest Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I appreciate everyone's responses. Obviously I don't know what's going on in his mind & I can only speak for myself, I'm sure my signals have come across all wrong & may look as if I am playing games w/him. But being we both suggested it would be casual from day one, that's what I've tried to adhere to, I initiate only late night booty calls via text & such. He's also made comments in a joking manner saying "I am trouble" or "I am dangerous" so I am not sure how to take that. And when I tell him how much I want him sexually, he'll always ask me why or what it is about him that I am attracted too. I figure that's just flirty talk so I tell him it's because he makes me so hot, etc., & that's when he questions me or backs off altogether. Could it be that he thinks I am all talk? I mean it did take us 3 months of flirting back & forth before we did had sex, so maybe he expects me to come on stronger now? I mean as a guy, if your getting late night booty call texts from an attractive woman (not tooting my horn here), would you take her seriously even when she's inviting you back to her place?
Author somegal1GUST29 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 I appreciate everyone's responses. Obviously I don't know what's going on in his mind & I can only speak for myself, I'm sure my signals have come across all wrong & may look as if I am playing games w/him. But being we both suggested it would be casual from day one, that's what I've tried to adhere to, I initiate only late night booty calls via text & such. He's also made comments in a joking manner saying "I am trouble" or "I am dangerous" so I am not sure how to take that. And when I tell him how much I want him sexually, he'll always ask me why or what it is about him that I am attracted too. I figure that's just flirty talk so I tell him it's because he makes me so hot, etc., & that's when he questions me or backs off altogether. Could it be that he thinks I am all talk? I mean it did take us 3 months of flirting back & forth before we did had sex, so maybe he expects me to come on stronger now? I mean as a guy, if your getting late night booty call texts from an attractive woman (not tooting my horn here), would you take her seriously even when she's inviting you back to her place?
Lishy Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 It seems to me that he likes you more than he wants to OR that he cannot understand why you are not mad on him and it is driving him nuts. I do feel the same as Blah and think that if you told him that you liked him more than you let on that he would back off and feel secure! I think you are different to what he is used to! let us know how this goes!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 As is always the case, for women, he's yours for the sexual taking, if you want him. His constant glances assure you of that. The ball is in your court, so to speak, so if you want that sort of company with him then make just the slightest direct move. If you don't, then ignore him.
Author somegal1GUST29 Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 Thanks again for everyone's help! As for being slightly more direct, that's what I have been trying to do w/my late night texting. So when I saw him that night naturally I didn't bring it up, I figured he was no longer interested. I texted him when I got home to ask him how he was as he seemed drunk & I usually don't see him drinking as much as he did. He replied right away saying "he was good & asked how I was". I said "I could be doing better" & he replied back asking me what was wrong. I didn't reply back right away (I was in the bathroom) so he texted me again asking me what was wrong. I told him I wanted to be w/him that night but he seemed preoccupied. He replied "I wasn't but you should've something". So I apologized, he said it was ok & then I left it at that. So, what else do I have to say without actually saying "come over I want to **** you"?
37andConfused Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I would like to declare myself available next time you're in the mood And I won't ask any awkward questions afterward either. I'll make sure you finish up before I do. We can play with toys if you like. My personal hygiene is very good and I regularly trim my sideburns. Am I sponge-worthy?
Author somegal1GUST29 Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 Wow thank you for that lol. Now if you have any actual advice, I am more than willing to listen.
Milo Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Just text him next time saying, "I really would like you to come over to my place tonight and not leave until I am finished with you."
Curmudgeon Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Why not just say, ""come over I want to **** you"? That would seem more honest and direct than playing games, posturing and semantics? Yet another reason I'm elated that having jumped from the 60s to the 90s in the dating "game" I managed to land on my feet and avoid the 00s. Sex, sex, sex! Is that what's and all it's about nowadays? From an old fart's perspective, I damn sure wouldn't want to even consider a meaningful, committed relationship with anyone who jobbed themselves out for a cheap thrill when the "spirit" moved them.
Lishy Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 It depends what you want from this guy! What do you want? Do you truly just want a shag? IF that is all you want and you are 100% sure about the fact that no feelings will get involved then just text jim next time and say "Do you want to come over for a shag?" - Then shag him and let him go home until next time! I did that and I ended up getting feelings for the guy! It was not good and not a route I would recommend anyone to take .... But everyone is different and if YOU can handle it then you do it! Just watch it cos I think that the fact you are not showing so much interest in this guy is what is making him like he is with you - The same happened to me and once I told him how I felt he backed off and went cold - When I see him he still gives me 'those' looks but I know all he wants is to shag me and I want more and I wont settle for less so I dropped him out! Think about what you really want and act on it!
Author somegal1GUST29 Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 Thanks Lishy!! At this stage in my life, I don't know what I want. I know the break-up with my last BF hurt me deeply & has caused me to become very guarded & until I can sort that out, I think it's best just to keep things casual. I do like him & I am very attracted to him but I'm not going to put myself out there to him or any other guy until I feel it is safe to do so. So I guess my last question is, how often should I keep in touch w/him so that he knows it is just casual?
RecordProducer Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 is he just not interested in sleeping w/me again? Ha-ha! You silly! He is very interested in you and obviously the distance you insist on intrigues him big time. Keep it that way if you want a relationship with him. Apparently your icey behavior turns him on.
Tenorman Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I think you've made it abundantly clear that you want to have casual sex with him... and he's scared! Scared because he wants a relationship with you, scared because he thinks you'll just use him and leave and screw other guys. I know it is weird, a role reversal of the traditional model, but it seems to me that there are more and more guys out there who want a committed relationship more than the girl does! Hah hah. (I think he is also scared to tell you that is what he is looking for.) The bind is this - if you decide you want a relationship with him and tell him that directly, it may put him off (his masculinity may kick in here). You'd have to signal to him that you want him to ask you out to do more traditional and 'tame' things, like go out to dinner or a movie etc. and then see what happens from there. But if all you want from him is **** buddy sex then I think you're both on different pages.
Author somegal1GUST29 Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 Well I can see why he’d think I am the “screw him & leave him” type of girl based on how I’ve behaved & also because of something I did a long time ago. I had just broken up w/my then fiancé after I found out he cheated on me. Naturally I wasn't in the right frame of mind so I decided to make it worse & go out drinking w/my friends (bad move on my part). I ran into my "male acquaintance" & sorta came onto him (yes I am ashamed & did not know WHAT I was thinking…Apparently, I wasn’t). Anyway long story short, he totally rejected me (which I don't blame him). I wasn't trying to get him into bed or anything but I'm sure my behavior suggested otherwise. I was just feeling down & said some really stupid things & it certainly wasn't fair to put him in that kind of position. But come to think of it, he did later say to my friend "she scares the crap out of me". I guess I can understand why lol.
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