silktricks Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 My ex-MM wife found out. I worked with him, and he came in one day and told me somebody from work called and left her a message about what was going on. Luckily he got home first and erased the message, but I think they finally got a hold of her. (Sadly it was somebody who was supposed to be my best friend).. but anyways, what I got was $1000 wirth of vandalism to my car. Key marks, holes in my bumper from I think a screwdriver, and a cracked windshield.. When I used to fantasize about trashing a vehicle, it was my husband's!!
Owl Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Why is it that the OW (who knows about the deceit) is told she has low self esteem to be involved with MM. But, assuming the affair is discovered and the W continues with the M, the W is said to be 'strong'. Why is it that she's not got 'low self esteem' for accepting that her H has gone behind her back and slept with someone else? Because she married him first..? Well, I'm not the W (I'm the husband), but I'll take a stab at it. It's 'assumed' that the OP has a low self-esteem because they're involved in a relationship that is destroying a pre-existing, 'positive' relationship that is a marriage. I would agree that the same thing can/should be said about the MM/MW as well. Again, you've seen enough of my posts (I hope) to know that I don't hold anything against anyone on this site, so don't take this as any kind of personal attack against anyone here. As far as the BS being 'strong' when they decide to take the WS back...that's a truth. Because (take it from someone who's been there) it would have been FAR easier to simply throw away my 17+ year marriage than to fight to save it. It's HARD...far harder than almost anything else you can do. Especially when you consider the fact that while most WS's do end up with their original spouse, the reality is very often during the beginning part of the reconciliation they're not willing to actually do their part of the work. The NEVER want to face up to what they've done...it's the most shameful, embarassing, humiliating thing that they'll have to do...admitting what they did was intentional, and WRONG. Admitting that they knowingly betrayed the trust and love of their spouse...even knowing just how badly they would end up hurting that spouse. So...during the first part of the reconciliation, the BS not only has to deal with their own pain from the whole ordeal, they have to bear the brunt of the work to fix it...even though THEY weren't the ones who cheated in the first place. Add to that the fact that the WS usually goes through the same kind of 'withdrawl' that the OP does at the end of the affair too...imagine trying to deal with your OWN hurt and pain, and at the same time trying to deal with the person you love who is hurting horribly...for the loss of someone else!!! Just imagine a man sitting on a couch talking with his wife who is sobbing and in tears to the point where she can barely speak...who is crying like this because she just lost 'the love of her life'. Imagine him sitting there and talking with her about the whole situation unjudgmentally...because he knows that the pain she's going through is unlike anything she's ever had to deal with either. Been there, and done exactly that. IF the marriage DOES survive and truly recover from an affair...make no mistake...it's darn sure because the BS was a VERY strong person who was able to put their love for their spouse ahead of their own pain and hurt. Who was able to work through the toughest emotional issues you can imagine...and was able to carry the WS through the withdrawl, and continue to love them when they were darned unlovable...until finally the WS begins to come around and realizes EXACTLY what they were doing. When the WS finally really and truly does 'open their eyes' and see who's been there loving them and supporting them the whole time. And then the BS gets to help them learn to deal with the guilt from THAT too. By no means am I saying that the OP is horrible person or does not suffer as well. I have no doubt in my mind that what they go through is HORRIBLE...and I do feel for them...because most of the time they truly have no idea what they're getting into. And when they DO get involved, their hoping that the relationship they have with WS is stronger than the weight of all those years of marriage. But I WILL say that anyone who successfully saves their marriage and RECOVERS it from the damage of an affair to where it is a sound and whole marriage again IS a strong person...or they would have given up at any point along the way.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Very nice post Owl. Very helpful at this point in time for me. Thank you.
mopar crazy Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I don't want to comment personally on people posting, but I'm just using this as an example to ask: Why is it that the OW (who knows about the deceit) is told she has low self esteem to be involved with MM. But, assuming the affair is discovered and the W continues with the M, the W is said to be 'strong'. Why is it that she's not got 'low self esteem' for accepting that her H has gone behind her back and slept with someone else? Because she married him first..? Great post Owl!!! When I took my H back after his A I thought I was being weak by not just letting the M go but from what you have posted it does make sense. It does take a strong person to take a WS back. Sami, I don't know if the exOW had a low self-esteem when she was having and A w/ my H. I do know, however, that she told me she use to be shy, withdrawn and had a low self-esteem in her past and she didn't want to be that person anymore. She said she could no longer live like that and that is why she chooses to be very outgoing and very flirtaious w/ men. So, unless the exOW was lying to me I don't think she really had a low self-esteem. I do admit that I have suffered from low self-esteem thoughout my life. When I finally accepted the fact that my M was ending I changed my attitude about myself. I finally decided that if ppl don't like me for the way I am they can kiss my a$$. Life is too short.
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