whats wrong with me Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I'm just wondering how many wives have found out about the affair and what was the end result. Although alot of other things happened with my relationship, but to answer your question ..... I left, they moved in together, I came back, he left her, she was MAD, ...and now he pays for it everyday !!! (with his checkbook and any thing else I can think of) I pay for it everyday, emotionally:( .
Owl Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Well, it was my W that had the emotional affair, but I'll bite and post what happened in our case. She had an online emotional affair. I began to suspect things because she was acting very distant, spending all her time IM'ing this guy...and finally I caught her trying to keep me from seeing the contents of her chat sessions with him. I 'caught' them by hacking her IM sessions and enabling logging...and a few days later I was able to log in and view her message logs...found that they were 'in love'...and had reached the point where they were going to setup a meeting to see if what they felt was real in person. When I gave her a copy of the log file, she freaked out...didn't know what to do. He then bought her plane tickets to go live with him...set to fly a few days later to see what I was going to do (if I would just abandon her and the kids, or what). She moved into a motel for the few days after she realized I wasn't going to move out. The day she was going to fly, I went to her motel and sat and talked...and she finally started to realize that what she was about to do was permanent...if she left like that, there was no coming back...it would be the end of any kind of relationship (or even friendship) between her and I. OM called while we were talking...realized she was becoming indecisive...got angry and told her not to bother to come. She didn't...she came home with me. Spent the next several weeks in withdrawl due to the end of the affair...very angry/hurt/sad/etc... Finally when I told her that if she wanted a divorce she could have it, she 'woke up'...and we've been recovering ever since. Looking back, she deeply regrets what happened. She feels like she betrayed me, and herself. She still feels that she loved OM...but that it should never have happened and she'd take it back if she could. As far as our recovery...we've done well. Trust will never be exactly what it was before the affair, but it's not a matter of me watching over her shoulder every second either. She's comfortable with where the trust is at now. And the longer she shows me that she is trustworthy, the better it will get. I know she loves me...she knows that I love her and how far I'll go for her. As far as OM? Haven't heard from him in about a year and a half. Emails continued between them for a few weeks after d-day...until I confronted her about it and showed her clearly how it made me feel. And made sure that she clearly understood why she could NEVER have any kind of contact with him again...if she wanted to be with me at least. I'm sure OM was as devestated and hurt by all of this as we were...no one goes through something like this unhurt. I don't feel sorry for him, but I'm no longer angry at him either. I'm just glad he's no longer part of our lives in any way. Shortly after d-day, I honestly considered going after him...my wife warned and warned him, begged him to realize what could happen. He thought it was funny...he's a 'big ole boy'. He thought it was cute that my wife would worry about him...he had no idea about my background, what I used to do. Had I decided to go after him, it would have been fast, effective, and permanent. Now, I'm glad that I didn't do anything stupid...in truth, he didn't deserve anything like that anymore than anyone else did. But at the time, I was that hurt/angry/etc... Just thought I'd share what this was like from a BH perspective, since I don't believe you've had that kind of response yet.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Betrayed Husband. (BS = Betrayed Spouse, BW = Betrayed Wife.) Owl, you're incredibly strong and I'm really glad to hear that things are going well at home now!
Owl Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 BH=betrayed husband Acronym from over on the marriagebuilders website. Instead of the guy (me) cheating, my wife was the one who had the affair.
Guest Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 Thanks, sometimes I am slow while you here what does lol stand for? I feel like an idiot so I've never asked before.
Chump64 Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I found out about my husband's affair (TEN FREAKING YEARS, with a mutual friend of ours - we've been married 18) and am trying to stay together / work it out. It has only been 5 weeks. I am not sure it will work. He is incredibly remorseful, has cut all contact, is making all the right moves right now, has agreed to counseling for life (lol), etc. I thought we had a good marriage. Anyone who knows us would say the same. I would have preferred to separate from him and force him to show me why I should take him back. But we have three kids in a wide range of ages. They would have been completely devastated. I did not want to make this a life defining event for them, so I let the b*stard stay. We are working very, very hard on things and he is like a new person. But I'm not stupid enough to believe that, or trust him. My pain is too new and too raw. As a betrayed spouse, you have to decide what is more painful: (1) Trying to work things out (assuming the cheater is remorseful and cuts contact with the affair partner immediately / does whatever it is you need him to do for recovery); or (2) Splitting up and dividing custody of the children, selling your home, dividing all assets, living as a single parent, sharing your humilation with everyone. From my vantage point, the latter option would have been more painful. That said, if he screws me over one more time, that will become the ONLY option. His crap will be out on the lawn and the locks will be changed.
Author scarletletter Posted February 15, 2006 Author Posted February 15, 2006 Wow! I just realized what a weak person that I am after reading posts from Owl and Chump64. You people have to be the most understanding and forgiving people! I commend you and all others for being so strong for your children and whatever else was at stake.
Chump64 Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 That doesn't make you weak. There is no 'right' answer for everyone. Some people think I'm weak b/c I am giving him a second chance. I, in fact, think people who put up with REPEATED infidelity are weak. I just.don't.get.that. We all have our own views about how a betrayed spouse should proceed, but there is no "one size fits all" answer. I think a lot of people believe they would dump a cheating spouse, but it's different to say you would do that, vs. be in that situation and actually DO it. It's complicated.
Owl Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 I'm not an especially strong person...but prior to this, I had an exceptionally strong marriage. We got into the situation we were in mostly because of her untreated depression and not understanding the dynamics of how people relate...my wife simply didn't understand WHY there should be boundaries of what you discuss with opposite sex friends. She didn't understand what it was that actually built up a relationship to the point where it could become a threat to our marriage. I'm not making excuses for her poor choices...not at all. The bottom line is this. We had a wonderful marriage of 17+ years before this happened (with a bad time of about a year up to and including the affair). I am honestly convinced that she won't do this again, nor will she resume contact with OM. If I truly felt that there was a large risk of it occurring again...I'd walk away. I do believe that one time can be a mistake of bad judgement...twice or more indicates a character trait that means that the marriage is almost certainly never going to be monogamous. We had a very strong foundation of a great, long term marriage to rebuild from...without that, we couldn't have recovered. Nothing special about me or how I reacted to things. And SL...in all honesty...you never TRULY know how you're going to react in that kind of situation until your IN that situation. I know what you've posted about the state of your marriage...but I'd be willing to bet you quite a bit that if your husband found out about your relationship with MM, he'd respond in much the same way. HUGE anger at first...and then he'd go about changing all the things that he felt contributed to the downfall of your marriage. You'd probably find yourself married to the man you met and fell in love with all those years ago. This is why I'm always suggesting that someone involved in an affair confess to their spouse...and it has almost always worked out this way. Give it some thought...at this point, what do you truly have to lose?
For You I Will Posted February 15, 2006 Posted February 15, 2006 which is probably why it is better for women in affairs with mm, to just accept it for what it is and not expect it to progress to anything more. it would save alot of heartache. those who wanted more would get out sooner. I like that Newbby. Either accept it for what it is.. or just walk away. We cant expect that MM will leave his W. We just need to get that "fantasy" out of our heads. Wow. that sucks.
Author scarletletter Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 I'm not an especially strong person...but prior to this, I had an exceptionally strong marriage. We got into the situation we were in mostly because of her untreated depression and not understanding the dynamics of how people relate...my wife simply didn't understand WHY there should be boundaries of what you discuss with opposite sex friends. She didn't understand what it was that actually built up a relationship to the point where it could become a threat to our marriage. I'm not making excuses for her poor choices...not at all. The bottom line is this. We had a wonderful marriage of 17+ years before this happened (with a bad time of about a year up to and including the affair). I am honestly convinced that she won't do this again, nor will she resume contact with OM. If I truly felt that there was a large risk of it occurring again...I'd walk away. I do believe that one time can be a mistake of bad judgement...twice or more indicates a character trait that means that the marriage is almost certainly never going to be monogamous. We had a very strong foundation of a great, long term marriage to rebuild from...without that, we couldn't have recovered. Nothing special about me or how I reacted to things. And SL...in all honesty...you never TRULY know how you're going to react in that kind of situation until your IN that situation. I know what you've posted about the state of your marriage...but I'd be willing to bet you quite a bit that if your husband found out about your relationship with MM, he'd respond in much the same way. HUGE anger at first...and then he'd go about changing all the things that he felt contributed to the downfall of your marriage. You'd probably find yourself married to the man you met and fell in love with all those years ago. This is why I'm always suggesting that someone involved in an affair confess to their spouse...and it has almost always worked out this way. Give it some thought...at this point, what do you truly have to lose? Very good advice, Owl. However, too much damage has been done in my marriage and now I am actively in my 6 month plan. Have a lot to take care of before I leave my marriage. Yes, if he found out he would be extremely angry, but unlike you, he would just want revenge or to make my life a living hell (which is not far from where it is now). He is not in love with me and I'm not even sure if he even likes me..the feeling is mutual. We don't talk except for about my daughter, we don't have sex, we don't sleep in the same bed. Actually, we are just room mates and not very good ones at that. I do think you are a good person for giving her another chance. My H would never in a million years do that. NEVER! He is not a very nice person to me nor has he ever been. Don't know why we got married. I really cannot say that we were EVER REALLY in love. Just young and stupid. Now we are old and stupid.
Chump64 Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 SL - why don't you leave him? What are you waiting for?
cal gal Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 That said, if he screws me over one more time, that will become the ONLY option. His crap will be out on the lawn and the locks will be changed. Hmmm - that is precisely what I did when hubby blew off his second chance. No conversation about anything, just "don't bother coming come honey - I know about _____ other woman." The locks have been changed while you went for the weekend with her, the money was moved to my name only, the garage door entry codes have been changed and every password to anything we ever had is and will not ever be the same. You have rights to NOTHING! Don't come home. He knew he couldn't argue. I let him call my teenage boys directly and explain things himself as my boys know I will never talk badly about their father or anyone else they want to love. He had me forgive and forget ten years ago- he knew if it happened again this is the life he would get, guess what? He made his choice when he cheated again, figuring I WOULD NEVER FIND OUT! Some are smarter than we are given credit for....
Author scarletletter Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 SL - why don't you leave him? What are you waiting for? Many things to consider first and so many loose ends to tie up. I have a much larger income than he does, for one. I am not going to end up paying him for making my life hell. I have an attorney, she is great and advising me on what to do to take care of myself and my child's future. It is going to take some time but it will happen. Trying to be smart about it.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Thanks, sometimes I am slow while you here what does lol stand for? I feel like an idiot so I've never asked before. LOL - laugh outloud. LMAO - Laugh my ass off.
Chump64 Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 SL, you said: "Many things to consider first and so many loose ends to tie up. I have a much larger income than he does, for one. I am not going to end up paying him for making my life hell." This doesn't really make sense. Most states are "no fault divorce" states. Assets are split down the middle and so is custody, usually. Then, financially, each person fends for themselves, unless they are somehow unemployable (eg, disabled somehow). Your child's custody can't be affected by your infidelity. Is your attorney telling you something different? Just because you make more than your spouse, it doesn't mean you will have to pay for his living expenses -- again, unless he is mentally or physically disabled and cannot work.
Chump64 Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Cal Gal, that is sad. I hope I never find myself in that situation, but I can't say that I won't. At this point, I'm not even sure we can stay together. That is my hope, but I think I will find that there are limits on what I can forgive. Ten years is a lot of screwing around for me to forgive.
Author scarletletter Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 Unfortunately, in my state if I make more money than he does, i'm talking about a substantial amount, then i could be required to pay him maintenence for a determined period of time. It has to do with continuing to live the lifestyle in which you are used to. You have to be married like 10 years or more for this to be valid...and wouldn't you know it, I have been married 101/2 years!! It really sucks for the one who is the primary breadwinner.
Chump64 Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 No, what really sucks is that you don't have the courage to suck it up and quit living a lie.
Author scarletletter Posted February 16, 2006 Author Posted February 16, 2006 You are exactly right!! I don't.
Sami_D Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 mopar, you are clearly a bigger woman than most. I commend you for being so strong and hanging onto what you want. If i were in that position, I would probably wear myself out worrying about him cheating again and wondering which woman in the community was "her". He clearly must love you. I don't want to comment personally on people posting, but I'm just using this as an example to ask: Why is it that the OW (who knows about the deceit) is told she has low self esteem to be involved with MM. But, assuming the affair is discovered and the W continues with the M, the W is said to be 'strong'. Why is it that she's not got 'low self esteem' for accepting that her H has gone behind her back and slept with someone else? Because she married him first..?
Sami_D Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Scarlett... didn't you say that your H was abusive (or have I misremembered this?)
Author scarletletter Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 yes sami, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive thoughout the marriage. He did push me once and caused me to fall down but never actually hit me. Doesn't matter anymore because he has grown to know that I am the stronger person now. He knows I am planning to leave and there is nothing that he can do about it. The damage has been done.
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