Chibaby Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I don't know what to do. I got engaged, and everything seemed great, but my fiance doesn't want to set a date or move in together because he says he's "not ready". He claims he was ready when he proposed, but he took a step back from everything after going through some personal emotional turmoil. It seems like his fear of commitment is greater than his love and trust for me. We've been dating over 4 years, and it really bothers me and upsets me that we can't even set a date, even though we've been engaged since last year. I've been living with my parents the past year waiting to move in with him. I want to move out now, I'm 25, and financially stable. He tells me not to move out on my own because it would be taking another step backwards, but he won't let me move in with him either. I don't think this is fair because here I am hanging on his baited line just waiting for him to give the OK to move ahead with our future, but nothing changes. He admitted that he's not being fair to me. He promises he will see a professional for his emotional stuff but which he said he would do this in November, it's nearly mid-February, and he hasn't. Everyweek he says he will, and doesn't. I know if this keeps up, I will eventually have to leave him no matter how much I love him because I need to know he's making the effort. I dont' feel this is the right way for a newly engaged couple to be acting. We should be chomping at the reins to be together. I'm sure I will probably just have to accept that he's not ready for marriage and that he won't see a professional on his own, but I love him so much I'm not at that point yet and keep hoping for the best to come out. I know I can't change him-I already have talked to him about all this and we know it has to come from him, the only thing I can do to change the situation is by doing it myself. Do I just be patient and understanding and hang on a few months more, or do I move out on my own and wait for him, or should I move out and move on??? I want to be understanding, but I don't want to play the pathetic fool either. Advice??
penkitten Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 would you be ok if he was not willing to marry you and be ok with the long term committment as it is? hes probally a good man and just has a fear that will take time to overcome. then on the other hand, after four years, if he isnt ready to get married , he will never be ready. you have to do what makes you happy.
Author Chibaby Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 He is a good guy. He is willing to get married, but he isn't willing to set a date for it right now. I'm getting impatient, how do I know when enough is enough, or if I'm just being unreasonable?
bluechocolate Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 You are not being unreasonable. Not at all. 4 years is plenty of time. I want to move out now, I'm 25, and financially stable. He tells me not to move out on my own because it would be taking another step backwards, Nonsense. 25 years old & financially stable - living with your parents is the backwards step here. You two aren't married & you do not need his permission or consent to move out on your own. If that is what you want to do then you should do it. I don't think this is fair because here I am hanging on his baited line just waiting for him to give the OK to move ahead with our future, but nothing changes. You're right - it isn't fair. He won't set the date then why don't you at least set the date that you're willing to wait for his decision?
justagirliegirl Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 If it has been 4 years, then you need to sit down and think about things and decide what is best for you and do that. I suspect the thinks that by living on your own, you may meet other men so he would rather you stay at your parents as your wouldn't be bringing men over there. Sometimes I think we women forget is that althought the man has the right not to be ready, we also have the right to decide for ourselves and decide not to wait around for them to make up their mind. He is getting what you want while you are sitting around in limbo waiting. If you want to move out on your own then do it. I think you need to move your man back a bit and put him on notice. Limit his time with you to a couple time a week and make him start dating and courting you again. Do you really want to be one of those women who waited 10 years on a guy who wouldn't marry them then you two break up and he married someone else 6 months later?
penkitten Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 i think he is afraid to see you get your own place because then if you need help for bills he will feel obligated to help and until he is married he doesnt want that responsibility. i also think that by getting engaged with no date set means that he isnt serious about it and it means he wants the perks of being engaged without the responsibilites that go along with it. i too have been in your shoes a decade ago so i know how you feel. however, now i have learned that if someone isnt willing to compromise and set a date once they ask, then maybe they asked for the wrong reasons.
BeFree Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Gurl,, I bet if you get your own place and get just a 6 month lease, he will want to set a date real soon. And if it doesn't turn out, you will still have your own place. Everyone needs to have their own place before they share a place with someone else....for the rest of their lives!!
Shana Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I agree with everyone! Get yourself an apartment! If he is not ready to let you move in then you move on with yourself. It is almost like he does not want you to get ahead in your life. Like he has you on his own little string... I know you love him but someone who is not showing the same for you ... well, you know what I am going to say next ... so I won't.
catgirl1927 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I think you should get your own place. A 25 year old shouldn't stay with her parents if she doesn't NEED to for some reason or another. You will be AMAZED how much better you'll feel about yourself, it's one thing to know you can take care of yourself, but to have actually done it feels great! Get on with your life and think about YOU. He will come around or not. You don't have to wait for him. I don't suggest ultimatums, though. Just tell him you're ready to move out, so you are, and there you go. I think you should be on your own for a while anyway, just so you've done it.
Guest Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I have similar problems with my fiance. We were only together for 3 months before he proposed but had known each other for 6 years. We moved very quickly I moved in with him on month 4 and now at month 8 we are just about to buy a house together. But whenever I mention planning the wedding he changes the subject and I can tell he isnt keen to set a date. He also has a lot of emotional problems and is constantly worried about the way he looks etc as well as having severe migranes pretty much every day which he also wont do anything about. I try to be as understanding as i can, but it is hard. As much as I love him I just wish he would at least make an effort to sort his migranes and emotional problems out as they are now beginning to come between us as he never feels well enough to do anything, like going out, or even just doing something romantic staying in, he literally goes straight to bed after work every night, which also means our sex life is pretty much non existant. My advice to you would be to start arranging moving out on your own, despite what he says, and make sure you find somewhere you can get out of the lease with say only a months notice. That way he will either get his butt in gear to get you to live with him or at least you will be in a position to move in with him in a few months if he decides he is ready. I had just moved into a new flat when my fiance proposed and had to leave only 2months into the lease, luckily my flat mate got his girlfriend to move in with him so it was all good. Dont put your own life on hold for him too much as he may take a year or more to be ready and you will be resentfull in the end, if you are anything like me anyway. He will also respect you for being your own person and getting on with things and will know that he has to make up his mind earlier in future or you will do things your way. Hope it all works out! Chris
MusicWoman Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 You want to move out, but he wants you to stay with your parents...move out anyways. This will be a good move for you, and accually a step forward. You don't need to be thinking of the next step as you two living together, because either way, its obvious you want your life to move forward...that is planning a wedding and moving out from under the parents roof. You may even be able to find an apartment without a lease, or a short one, so if he decides he wants to move in you could right away. Either way, I think that you shouldn't make the decision about ending the relationship until you have already moved out..and see how this new step makes you feel. It could be that since you live with your parents you spend a lot of time at his apartment anyways to get alone time? Maybe with your own place this won't be happening as much and he will miss it? I dunno its just an idea. I think its good for everyone to get their own place before they get married anyways because you might never have that opportunity again. Good luck, and hold out a couple of months after you move out and see how that changes things
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