Raven1845 Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I have a "friend" () who just broke up with a girl he thought was wonderful. She was a little older than he was (though didn't look it), a natural beauty, sexy, funny, fun, had more money, was very classy, well-spoken, worldly, highly intelligent, and everything he admired and wanted. When others would ask him, "How are things going with her?" He would respond, "Perfect! She's amazing. She's not like those slutty, stupid, immature bimbos I'm use to. She's exactly what I need." He had also told her once, "I'm lucky. When I'm with you, I feel special. Like I'm above everyone." (which melted her heart like no other comment ever has). He began to say things like, "You're really classy, aren't you?" "You have a lot of possessions, don't you?" "You know, I'll have all those things one day, right?" "Why would you want to be with someone like me when you could have someone more educated and with money?" She would assure him that those things didn't matter. She told him that she could not choose who she loved and wanted to be with, and the important thing is happiness, not possessions and knowing just what to say and when to say it. He still questioned why she'd want him. He's very prideful and stubborn. He's also a little immature. Though she gave him no reason to do so, and always tried her best to make him feel secure, his sweet questions started turning into mean-spirited ones. "It's like you're always trying to teach me something." "You think I don't know anything, don't you?" "Do you ever feel stupid being with me?" "You probably think I couldn't get anyone better than you, don't you?" This guy ended their relationship and began pursuing the "slutty, stupid, immature bimbos" he was use to. Perhaps because he felt above them. ??? My question, (and remember, these feelings came from within him, she didn't do anything to make him feel inferior): Can ignorant pride make someone end a relationship, because they feel inferior to the person they're with? Is it a reasonable possibility? Have any of you ever done this or had it done to you?
Curmudgeon Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Kinda shot himself in the foot, didn't he? Sounds like a poor self-image and someone not comfortable in his own skin. Oh, well! His loss will be someone else's gain. Not only would I not want to be in a relationship with someone I felt inferior to, I wouldn't want to be in one with someone I felt superior to. My wife is my professional, educational, spiritual and intellectual equal. I think that's just right!
Moose Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 This happened to me. Mrs. Moose even. Her family are all church goers, and they all grew up this way.....went to Christian Schools....everything. I came from a dysfunctional family where the norm was Dad's alway drunk, Mom is always high on her pills, noone was ever home to feed us.....when they were home it was verbal or physical abuse.......but we showed love when we could with hugs.....kisses.... Well...long story short. I alway felt beneath them, like they were Holier than me....and I wasn't good enough, or didn't measure up. Mrs. Moose always had the attitude that I wasn't Christian enough to care about God. I finally had enough, and proved to her that she, and her entire family wasn't any better than me or the net person...... I still feel intimidated by them sometimes, but I try not to let that bother me anymore. It was a hard road to get here.....I'm glad things worked out.
ms_jnj Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 This is a hard one. At one time I was with a guy who always complained about how inferior he felt in comparison to me....in an attempt to get me to go down to his level. At first I reassured him, but a year or two down the line my response was "Well then, get off your as* and get a job and stop flunking out of college because you are too lazy to go to class. Then we will be perfectly equal and you won't have to worry about it any more." But he wasn't interested in doing either of those things. He just wanted me to give up my sucesses so we could be on par. Which I refused to do. Which built resentment...... It wasn't that I cared that he was "inferior" to me...I mean I did get tired of being the one out busting my butt while he sat at home and watched Jerry Springer...but I was not going to lower myself just so he could feel better about himself.
TheSwordfish Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Verry strange. I like this girl, I look up to hetr in many ways, because she does all thse kinds of volnatry things, she's really bright and sweet. She's always busy with lots of great projects. But that makes her so interesting in the first place. I am a totally different person, so I have different qualities. You shoudl never see your partner as someone you have to compete with. I think this guy has a big problem with his self esteem.
Author Raven1845 Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 I think this guy has a big problem with his self esteem. I was thinking the same thing.
quankanne Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 low self-esteem can sabotage a relationship – even the "smarter, better-looking, richer" one can ruin a relationship that has lots of potential. My first boyfriend was good about those kinds of put-downs because he was much older, and therefore more experienced, than me. it's like the swordfish says: you should never see your partner as someone you have to compete with. I think your strengths should complement each other and together you bring out the best in each other.
Author Raven1845 Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 low self-esteem can sabotage a relationship – even the "smarter, better-looking, richer" one can ruin a relationship that has lots of potential. My first boyfriend was good about those kinds of put-downs because he was much older, and therefore more experienced, than me. it's like the swordfish says: you should never see your partner as someone you have to compete with. I think your strengths should complement each other and together you bring out the best in each other. I'm sorry you've experienced someone giving you "put-downs because he was much older" and more experienced. That was wrong of him. I would have NEVER put my boyfriend down. Though he thought "I" was the "so-called better one," it was him I put on a pedestal. I thought he was wonderful and had absolutely no need to ever feel inferior to anyone. I agree with you and Swordfish, "You should never see your partner as someone you have to compete with. Your strengths should compliment each other and together you bring out the best in each other." However, when dealing with someone with self-esteem issues whom is very prideful and stubborn, I was unable to make him see that I thought of us as equals. Just very curious on the thoughts of others and their experiences, so please keep posting.
quankanne Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 once I realized that his remarks were centered in his low self-esteem, that took the sting out of them, raven (BTW, cool avatar!), and I realized that he didn't really have the power to make me feel crappy if I didn't give it to him. Oddly enough, when someone acts out because of low self-esteem, they do it to sabotage the relationship (something like beating their heads against a wall, maybe) and lose what they want the most. Until they heal that problem within, they're never going to be able to be in a healthy relationship. Even when they're with someone loving and generous like you were with your guy; almost like something tells them that they can never be happy unless they are unhappy ...
TheSwordfish Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I think the hard bit is the fact that w elook up to the one we love. When a relationshsip starts we all have doubts. For example, she's has such a greta social life, she's great at all these sports, and so on, why would she want someone like me? But then again, why wouldn't she want someone like you? These people need to put things in perspective. I had a nice girlfriend who was a greta athlete, I am more of an artistic talent (music) so, there might be a big difference bnut everyone has strong points. And a girl with a good job.... I'd love to be a man with halve a job I love, smart, independant women. I wanne be impressed by her wit and intellegence. And I really like it when she has a mind of her own Why be intimidated?
Guest666 Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I thought confidence was supposed to be one of the most attractive traits, according to what people say in these threads. I naturally find it surprising that a "perfect" girl would be attracted to someone insecure and below her in terms of intellect and looks especially considering the fact that some "perfect" men have trouble attracting dumb bimbos.
roxy_1980 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 It's funny...we only hear about this problem when it's the woman that is "superior". I guess those old cultural programs in our heads about the guy is the bread winner just keep on playing, no matter how much we try.
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I would never be intimidated by anyone... ever. We are just all human beings. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, just depends if they are recognized and if that person can make the best of both. I think if you know yourself well enough there is no reason to feel bad about anything, as long as you do right by others each day. Let your conscience guide you in the right direction. You will be happy.
witabix Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I don't really understand the whole superior/inferior thing. My exW complained that I made her feel stupid. I never really understood why she said that. She was really talented. I told her she was too, but she thought I was patronising her. More/less intelligent? Not possible, intelligence comes in many forms. More/less money? Doesn't measure anything. Beauty? In the eye of the beholder. We are, as Cal_Gal says just people. Everyone has their strngths and weaknesses. No one is superior/inferior in any kind of quantative fashion. It is just not possible. If people feel either way, they need to look at themselves, and get a grip on reality. The guy in the OP sounds like he developed an inferiority complex, thats bad. Superiority complexes are equally as bad.
amerikajin Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I'll weigh in as someone who's admittedly insecure... It should be that we are all just people, but we all have our insecurities and self-doubts - even secure people do. The difference is that secure people are better at not letting their insecurities stop them from their pursuits. I wrestle with insecurities and it has sabotaged my prospects time and time again. I'm fighting with this, and I'm trying to get to know the real me. I think it goes beyond just being comfortable around women - you just have to be comfortable about people in general. You have to know what to apologize for and what not to; what to regret and what to chalk up as just a 'life experience'. I have always known that I was insecure, but only recently have I known just how damaging it can be, and the effects it can have on a person's life. I am making progress, but it isn't easy. I think whatever progress I have made started simply by admitting that I am insecure, and that's something we all must acknowledge. Everyone's got issues. The way your friend should approach dating is to know that his ex had her own issues, too...he just didn't know what they were. She didn't dwell on them. She simply lived life and went after what she wanted. I think most of our insecurities are over things we have total control over, too. I realize one of the biggest problems in my life the last 4 years is that I've lost some of my ambition, my sense of purpose. I haven't been setting goals like I used to. Life has become too easy and I am ashamed of that on some level. I think what your friend's experience tells me is something that paralleled my most recent brief dating encounter. He was with a very focused, successful, feisty creature who knows exactly what she wants out of life, and she doesn't waste time trying to get it done. Maybe your friend is the type of guy who's happy-go-lucky but not especially productive on some fronts (i.e. career). Maybe he started noticing the differences and started looking at himself and saying "Man, I really respect this person...I should be doing what she's doing. Why is she out on this date with me, again?" It's very self-defeating and no matter what gimmicks you use to try to fight it, it will eventually come out. It's too bad your friend lost an established relationship over this. Advise him to start taking a more holistic approach to dating.
Author Raven1845 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 I would never be intimidated by anyone... ever. We are just all human beings. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, just depends if they are recognized and if that person can make the best of both. I think if you know yourself well enough there is no reason to feel bad about anything, as long as you do right by others each day. Let your conscience guide you in the right direction. You will be happy. Awesome post. You're right. Absolutely!
Author Raven1845 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 raven (BTW, cool avatar!), Thank you! I like yours, too. Everyone loves a puppy! Very cute!
Author Raven1845 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 I don't really understand the whole superior/inferior thing. My exW complained that I made her feel stupid. I never really understood why she said that. She was really talented. I told her she was too, but she thought I was patronising her. More/less intelligent? Not possible, intelligence comes in many forms. More/less money? Doesn't measure anything. Beauty? In the eye of the beholder. We are, as Cal_Gal says just people. Everyone has their strngths and weaknesses. No one is superior/inferior in any kind of quantative fashion. It is just not possible. If people feel either way, they need to look at themselves, and get a grip on reality. The guy in the OP sounds like he developed an inferiority complex, thats bad. Superiority complexes are equally as bad. Absolutely! I tried to tell him the same things. I thought of us as equals. He was very good at a great many things I wasn't. I guess if someone has self-esteem issues, it is something within themselves, and no matter what I told him, it wouldn't have mattered unless he believed it himself.
Author Raven1845 Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Amerikajin, Awesome post! Thank you so much for sharing this.
justagirliegirl Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Sometimes I think my bf is a little intimidated by me. I truly hope he doens't feel inferior because he isn't at all. I also think he thought I would leave him for someone wealthier, more educated, and such but I'm not. The differences are just because I have lived a lot longer than he has. I am established in my career and things like that. With time, he will be too. I don't care if he has money or not. He gives to me things money can't buy. Yes, it is always when the woman has more, these issues come up.
cal gal Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I'll weigh in as someone who's admittedly insecure... It should be that we are all just people, but we all have our insecurities and self-doubts - even secure people do. The difference is that secure people are better at not letting their insecurities stop them from their pursuits. I wrestle with insecurities and it has sabotaged my prospects time and time again. I'm fighting with this, and I'm trying to get to know the real me. I think it goes beyond just being comfortable around women - you just have to be comfortable about people in general. You have to know what to apologize for and what not to; what to regret and what to chalk up as just a 'life experience'. I have always known that I was insecure, but only recently have I known just how damaging it can be, and the effects it can have on a person's life. I am making progress, but it isn't easy. I think whatever progress I have made started simply by admitting that I am insecure, and that's something we all must acknowledge. Everyone's got issues. The way your friend should approach dating is to know that his ex had her own issues, too...he just didn't know what they were. She didn't dwell on them. She simply lived life and went after what she wanted. I think most of our insecurities are over things we have total control over, too. I realize one of the biggest problems in my life the last 4 years is that I've lost some of my ambition, my sense of purpose. I haven't been setting goals like I used to. Life has become too easy and I am ashamed of that on some level. I think what your friend's experience tells me is something that paralleled my most recent brief dating encounter. He was with a very focused, successful, feisty creature who knows exactly what she wants out of life, and she doesn't waste time trying to get it done. Maybe your friend is the type of guy who's happy-go-lucky but not especially productive on some fronts (i.e. career). Maybe he started noticing the differences and started looking at himself and saying "Man, I really respect this person...I should be doing what she's doing. Why is she out on this date with me, again?" It's very self-defeating and no matter what gimmicks you use to try to fight it, it will eventually come out. It's too bad your friend lost an established relationship over this. Advise him to start taking a more holistic approach to dating. Am- My goodness, I always look forward to your posts and really have never thought that you seemed insecure (or shouldn't). You just seemed like you were sensitive and kindhearted in what you write. Do not let anyone allow you to think that being sensitive means being insecure. Know what you believe in, then believe in it enough to stand up for it. That is all it is honey! It is not that hard. Take down anyone that challenges you or your belief system though... he he he
BlahBlahQueen Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 More/less intelligent? Not possible, intelligence comes in many forms. Now, now, let's not be tree-hugging liberals here. We all know G is measurable and correlates well with most, if not all, the different types of intelligence. It's entirely possible to be smarter or dumber than the next person; let's not be p.c. to placate the masses... That said, intelligence is not the only measure of worth here. There are other qualities that can make up for it. Integrity, talent, etc... While I do think it's possible to be superior or inferior to someone else, I think everyone brings something to the table. There may be one guy who brings three things and you bring seven, but those three things may be just the three things you needed to make a perfect 10 So rather than think of others as superior or inferior, think of them as compatible or incompatible. Of course, that won't help their self-esteem, which is why I'm cautious of getting involved with someone with significant insecurity issues. I have enough of my own as it is. Anyone who wants to argue the thing about superiority/inferiority here, take this hypothetical situation into consideration: X is a guy who is persistent, ambitious, and conversational BUT borderline retarded, deceitful, thieving, violent, crack addict, filthy, disrespectful, unempathic, impulsive and materialistic. Z is a guy who's kind, creative, chivalrous, intelligent, honest, stable, insightful, responsible, organized and hard-working BUT gullible, shy and indecisive. Are they worth the same as human beings? They both have positives and negatives... the ratios are not equal, as they usually aren't in most people. But one is clearly the superior human being... And these cases are not fantasy scenarios; people like these really do exist. In fact, they're two guys I actually know.
hooghie Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 My ex was inferior to me and I didn't respect him. I didn't realize it in the beginning, but over time- I realized how beneath me he was and I lost respect for him little by little. It really hurt our relationship and played a big part in why we drifted. My current bf actually broke up with me once because he felt inferior. The difference is that I 100% love and respect my bf His concern was HIS insecurity. He has worked on it and is feeling better about himself and realizing what a great catch he is recently- should I be concerned? I guess my point is- it really depends on the situation and the people involved. I DO think most guys have a hard time being with a women who is 'above' them. For some reason, I can't be with a guy who is above me. I like to think my current is equal, but nobody else does and it may be why we break up some day- if in fact we do
witabix Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Now, now, let's not be tree-hugging liberals here. We all know G is measurable and correlates well with most, if not all, the different types of intelligence. It's entirely possible to be smarter or dumber than the next person; let's not be p.c. to placate the masses... First time I have ever been accused of being PC! I agree, to a certain extent, that IQ is measurable. I haven't done too badly on the tests I have had to take. They have measured numerical skill, reasoning skill, spatial awareness and engineering aptitudes. I become more aware of other slightly less quantative areas that I would also call intelligence. Emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills and artistic creativity to name a few. I have come across people who cannot 'do' the things I can do, and who cannot understand the things I can. They invariably had me beaten on other less 'academic' areas. Who is more intelligent, Dali, Segovia, Einstien, Van Gogh, Bill Gates, Mandela, Mozart. I don't know. I have never come across another person about whom I can honestly say "I am superior to you in all ways". I really hope that thought never crosses my mind.
Woggle Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I have never felt inferior in a relationship. I don't like to talk about people as being inferior but my ex made me feel like I was dealing with a child. I tried to deal with her as an equal and it did not work. As for my fiance I truly feel like she is my equal. I greatly repsect and admire her but I don't as if I am her inferior. I just look at her as somebody who teach me a lot and show me new experiences and hopefully I can show her some things as well.
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