electric_sheep Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 My girlfriend and I were sort of playing head games the other night (an old fashioned fight is always much healthier !), and she proceeded to tell me that though I was #1 in "making love" out of all her boyfriends, I was #3 in "****ing". At this point I could tell she sort of panicked, and she began trying to minimize things. She said that actually I was #1 in the "all around" (I know I give very good cunnilingus), so it was strictly vaginal sex I was #3 in. This is due to me not going slow enough. Apparently she had trained her other boyfriends, and was going to get around to training me. Of course, it's occured to me this could all be BS and an attempt to ameliorate the damage. She is trying to convince me it's something easily remedied, as opposed to differences in equipment (which I wouldn't be able to help), or something more vague like "passion". Anyway, as if that wasn't enough of an ego killer, she then calls me up in a panic, and tells me that she wasn't as serious about the relationship at first as me, despite the fact that she led me to believe she was. She said she didn't want to be that serious, but found herself falling madly in love with me anyway. This scarred her so much that she tried to f*ck things up. That is why she told me about my "ranking". She says she has moments where she is very "cold" sometimes, and she has issues getting really close to someone. I was madly in love when she told me all this, so this was like having the wind knocked out of me. Listening to her desperately tell me just how crazy in love she was with me now, despite her best efforts to avoid it, I couldn't help thinking I had been pretty stupid. I kept thinking about some of our more romantic weekends in the past, and the thought occured to me that a lot of it was just in my head, and that she was in fact pretty grounded all that time. Devastating. I think I am guilty of trying to get to close to fast ... but you could just tell someone this. That is better than leading them on. She says she felt it a "little bit" too, that is why she didn't say anything. It seems like such a silly thing, but the bronze medal placement in the sack has turned into a source of obsession with me. This part I thought I would easily get over. I always prided myself on being a good lover, so it was devasting to find out I was mediocre. She keeps telling me I'm #1 "over all". It shouldn't matter. A true man would pick himself up, dust himself off, and try for Gold. In fact, I've noticed my libido has just crashed, and my confidence is really down. Sex seems like such a "heavy" and "serious" thing now, so competitive, nothing to enter into lightly. I constantly wonder if my placement is improving. I don't seem capable of just having light hearted sex anymore. I keep thinking about the fact I'm just mediocre when we are having sex, and this really detracts from the enjoyment. In short, I've basically become sexually dysfunctional ! I'm sure my ranking is sliding down, not up ! Worst of all though, I sort of feel like I've had my emotions toyed with, that I've been led along. The most depressing thing about all this is that that "spark" just seems gone now. My confidence in our future has been undermined. I'm looking at other girls more now, thinking about what it would be like to date them. Simply put, I'm not "in love" anymore. Oddly, I think she is actually far more in love with me now than I am with her. I resent her for robbing me of that wonderful feeling, which I've only experienced a couple of times in my life. The feeling I have now is the more grounded, practical feeling you have at a later stage in a relationship. It pisses me off she yanked me off my cloud in just one night ! You're supposed to gradually slide down into that "other" feeling. This was all just a week ago. Can I bounce back from this ? You think I'll ever get all googly eyed when I look at her again ? Will I ever feel that incredible feeling of warmth and comfort when I see her sleeping in the bed next to me ? This morning I got up, looked at her, and felt very little. p.s. I would realistically place her 2nd or 3rd among my lovers, but I would never have the heart to tell her this. Even now I decieve her. I still love her enough to lie. Some things are just better left unsaid. This will be the worst Valentines Day ever for me no doubt.
OdenallPi Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 If it were me, I would never be able to put it behind me. I am very competitive person by nature, and like you, it would never be far from my mind. I hate to say it, but I think that you're probably better off looking for someone else, someone you can reserve the gold medal with. Good luck, man. This is a tough one.
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 This is why apart from the STD conversation (or pregnancy) - there should be no discussion about previous lovers, quality, quantity, consistency or comparsion. IMO, past lovers don't register in my memory. It isn't important to remember any more, I try to focus on whoever I am currently involved with, romantically and intimately. They shouldn't. Mentioning them only leads to what you describe above, some kind of pissing contest that exists only in the mind of whoever feels somehow inadequate because of the admonishion.
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 The two of you were playing head games - what sort of game were you playing, I wonder? Oddly, I think she is actually far more in love with me now than I am with her. I resent her for robbing me of that wonderful feeling, which I've only experienced a couple of times in my life. Thing is, your girlfriend has the right perspective here. You start out not serious & grow to love each other - not the other way around. What you describe is infatuation, which is not love at all. How long have you two been going out? Some things are just better left unsaid. Absolutely. Unfortunately that might have been a lesson she's had to learn the hard way.
Walk Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Sometimes people say stuff that they regret later. Kind of the proverbially throw up on themselves, by speaking too much. Two things. That cloud you were on isn't gone for good unless you want it to be. You fell off for a moment in time. Most people in relationships roll up and down at different times. Doesn't mean it's gone for good. Second... Instead of looking at this from a "I suck" view point. Why don't you look at it as in "what can I do to change her opinion?" There isn't a relationship out there where each person is the greatest lover of all time. It takes a lot of work. You have to discover what turns your partner on, what specifically do they like, what don't they like..? Ask her what feels best to her. Honestly, if you haven't been doing this, then you deserved the 3rd place medal. Just because you think you're great at something, does not mean the person youre with will like it. So you can either go on believing your the king of cunniligus, or ask her how she would like it, and what specifical she wants you to do. A big part of sex is making your partner happy. If you aren't able to have a serious discussion on likes and dislikes, then you shouldn't be having sex. And if you haven't put the effort forth to find out what her likes are, then you shouldn't expect to be placed on a pedestal for merely going through the act like you would if it were any girl in the world. Ask her what she likes. Verbally, out loud. Ask her while you're eating dinner. Ask her while your chatting about the day. What turns her on? What are her fantasys? If your pride is so wounded that you can't possible be with this girl, then break up with her. But that's the reason you are breaking up. You thought you were gods gift to her concerning sex, and found out you weren't. She wasn't telling you that you suck at it, only that as far as what she likes, you aren't doing the things she wants and desires. So you can put more effort into it, or give up and run away. As far as her not being as head over heels as you were... People fall in love at different levels. For you to expect that she would've been in exactly the same place as you at exactly the same time is out of touch with reality. Because you fell head over heels quickly and she didn't, doesn't mean that her feelings weren't real, or that they aren't real now. She needed a little more time to feel comfortable with you. It doesn't make her a liar, or make the time the two of you spent together any less meaningful. You felt stronger then she did at the time. People are not the same, and we can't expect someone to think and feel the same at all times as we do. I think you are making too much of this. p.s. I would rather have my partner tell me something in bed is turning them off, or isn't terribly good, when a simple change could make it the most fantastic experience of their life. My pride might be damaged a little, but what I want is for my partner to be happy. That's what is important to me.
Author electric_sheep Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 The irritating thing is that I am such a giving lover, and I contantly ask her what feels good, what she likes, what she doesn't like. She said she is not used to guys putting so much emphasis on her pleasure during sex. She knows that I have a certain pride though, and she told me she just hasn't mentioned a few things out of fear for hurting my ego, despite me encouraging her to tell me. I know the whole thing seems very silly in a lot of ways. The things that disturb me the most are the (apparently uncontrollable) thoughts flitting through my head about it during sex now. I can't seem to stop them, and they kill my libido and detract from my enjoyment. Also, I sort of feel played with. I understand people develop feelings at different paces, but you should be honest about your feelings. She says she thinks her medication (anti-depressants and anti-mania drugs) cools her feelings towards me, so she didn't feel like she was misleading me (after compensating for the effects of her drugs). Also, her reason for telling me my ranking is not very nice. Why would you want to push people away that you are starting to feel really close to ? She said she was scared her feelings for me had become so strong. Hmm ? I do believe her to a certain degree though, I know she cares about me a lot (she has literally panicked over this). Also, I've seen her be ****ty to her best friends on occation. I call it a personality flaw. She is very frank and open, and talks about her ex lovers like it's no big deal. She is very interested in sex too, and wants to be a sex columnist (seriously). I had told her before that talking about that stuff bothers me. She offered to stop, but I felt sort of stupid, and told her I'd try and grow up a bit and be less sensitive. The head game I was playing was pretending to be "cool" and "tough" when she brought stuff up. I thought I could just desensitize myself to such talk. That I could "mature" so to speak. I did this partly out of pride. I kind of felt silly for being more romantic and jealous than her. In a way I wasn't playing head games though ... I had become fine with stuff that would have bothered me before. The direct comparison sort of took me off guard though. It really hit me hard. We have been dating 3 or 4 months now.
CaliGuy Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Never ask about previous relationships unless you think you can handle 'verbally' being punched in the stomach. Whatever happened in the past, whomever they were with, shouldn't matter if they are with you now.
Author electric_sheep Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 @Caliguy I just read your Guide to being a balanced Man. It's very accurate. I think my biggest problem is I'm a nice guy ! Actually, I'm somewhere between nice guy and balanced, my gf is balanced, with occational outburts of being a jerk. That is where most of the problems come in. I still see nothing wrong with being nice, but nice guys need nice girlfriends. Otherwise they need to learn to be balanced. One thing is for sure, when you feel like I do now, it's really easy to be balanced.
CaliGuy Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 @Caliguy I just read your Guide to being a balanced Man. It's very accurate. I think my biggest problem is I'm a nice guy ! Actually, I'm somewhere between nice guy and balanced, my gf is balanced, with occational outburts of being a jerk. That is where most of the problems come in. I still see nothing wrong with being nice, but nice guys need nice girlfriends. Otherwise they need to learn to be balanced. One thing is for sure, when you feel like I do now, it's really easy to be balanced. So focus on what areas you need to work on that will help center you into being more balanced. She sounds like you need to be. Balanced, but occasionally being a jerk when she treats you badly. As for the sex issue, just don't ask about past lovers if you can't handle the worst of news. Besides, if she didn't think you were good enough she wouldn't be with you.
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 So focus on what areas you need to work on that will help center you into being more balanced. She sounds like you need to be. Balanced, but occasionally being a jerk when she treats you badly. As for the sex issue, just don't ask about past lovers if you can't handle the worst of news. Besides, if she didn't think you were good enough she wouldn't be with you. Word...........people say stupid stuff sometimes. I wish I had a court reporter sometimes so I could continually read over the moronic stuff that comes out of my mouth.
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Well, now that you know not to ask or talk about past lovers, lets try to move on... It sounds to me like she might want you to be less attentive from time to time during sex. While making love is nice, it can get old mushy and boring. Maybe suprise her and 'rough' her up a bit. Moving her into different positions whenever YOU want, and going hard.....since you have all this bottled up, you could even consider it 'angry' sex She will probably like it, based on what you said that she told you. And it will throw her off because she will wonder what changed....always good to be unpredictable like that, and keep 'em guessing (unless of course she has sex issues, like rape or abuse...then I definately wouldnt advise such a thing) Other than that, all I can say is: She is with YOU now. She screwed up big time, and obviously feels horrible about it. She probably didnt even mean it. It will take some time to get over, of course. Try to not worry about her as much during sex, and be a little more selfish about it. That might help your confidence
CaliGuy Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I stupidly asked my Ex who was the biggest and she assured me not only was I, but no one made her come that hard. Yet, she's with someone else, so it ain't all about the sex.
barfool Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Moving her into different positions whenever YOU want, and going hard.....since you have all this bottled up, you could even consider it 'angry' sex. I absolutely agree with this. That's why make-up sex is so good 'cause it's all of those hateful, betrayed emotions coming out physically. Mmmmmm...maybe I need to get in a fight sometime... I understand where she is coming from about a lover that is constantly asking what to do. It does get annoying and you just wish they would shut up and make some decisions for themselves. You don't always want sex to be a game show.
Guest Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 @CaliGuy Of course, most "nice" girls will always tell their boyfriend that they are the biggest. Not to doubt your confidence in her reply.
CaliGuy Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I absolutely agree with this. That's why make-up sex is so good 'cause it's all of those hateful, betrayed emotions coming out physically. Mmmmmm...maybe I need to get in a fight sometime... I understand where she is coming from about a lover that is constantly asking what to do. It does get annoying and you just wish they would shut up and make some decisions for themselves. You don't always want sex to be a game show. Agree. After a certain point in the relationship you should already know what to do. Shouldn't take that long to figure her out
Author electric_sheep Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 I think maybe I gave a wrong impression. I just meant that once we got comfortable with sex, I asked her what she liked and preferred. I told her to not feel weird giving me instructions to "speed up", "keep it steady", etc ... while I was down there. I told her to tell me about any fantasies she might have. Things of that nature. I feel like I've created an atmosphere where she can feel comfortable giving me pointers. I certainly don't ask her questions during sex all the time ! I've asked her if she likes rough sex before, and she does indeed have issues with it, due to something in her past.
barfool Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Well then I guess all you can really do is work on what you already said, which is going slower. Also, all the skill in the world in bed can't compare to having sex with someone you have deep feelings for. Try to get over the blow to your ego and the good sex should come back with your feelings for her.
Author electric_sheep Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 If it wasn't sort of sad, this whole thing would be hilarious, like a really funny Friends episode or something. I'm convinced things will be fine. I've forgiven her for her frankness. Some of the spark is gone for me in our love making, but she seems to be moaning louder than ever. Trying to make up for things I suppose. I'm sure the spark will be back. Suddenly, for the first time ever, I've noticed her ass is too big, her hips too wide, she's about 15 pounds over weight, and she is way too hairy (yes, body hair) ! Of course, I think I'll keep these things to myself. And I noticed my eye lingering a little too long on the cashier up at Starbucks this morning, hee hee ... We all think when we fall in love that it has never happened to any other couple. Nothing ever changes I guess. Still, Love has to be one of the greatest stories ever told.
CaliGuy Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 If it wasn't sort of sad, this whole thing would be hilarious, like a really funny Friends episode or something. I'm convinced things will be fine. I've forgiven her for her frankness. Some of the spark is gone for me in our love making, but she seems to be moaning louder than ever. Trying to make up for things I suppose. I'm sure the spark will be back. Suddenly, for the first time ever, I've noticed her ass is too big, her hips too wide, she's about 15 pounds over weight, and she is way too hairy (yes, body hair) ! Of course, I think I'll keep these things to myself. And I noticed my eye lingering a little too long on the cashier up at Starbucks this morning, hee hee ... We all think when we fall in love that it has never happened to any other couple. Nothing ever changes I guess. Still, Love has to be one of the greatest stories ever told. Wow, talk about going the full spectrum. If you don't find her attractive anymore, break up with her and let her find someone more appreciative of her. I'm sorry but from what you said above there's definitely a maturity issue involved here. If you truly love someone, you love them warts and all.
Author electric_sheep Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 There probably is a maturity issue going on. I was being harsh ... but of course I was joking too. Actually I find her adorable, though she certainly isn't perfect. I guess I'm just more realistic about the relationship now. Also, sometimes when things get shaken up, and you entertain the thought of not being with someone ... well, you realize that you'd be able to make it. You may find someone you love even more. Of course, you might not. Relativism and realism have sort of settled in.
Cecelius Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Personally, I think you have 2 red flags: 1) Talking about/ranking exes. How come so many people will insist that "the past is the past" and yet also peg you on her ladder of quality screwing? As if you care? Any woman who would delve into this kind of stuff is not old enough to be your long term g/f AND you will never stop thinking of her as kind of a crass, shallow little girl 2) Her exhibited fear of her feelings. A common trait among young women (and men I guess, I just don't date them) is their fear of their own feelings and their efforts to screw things up intentionally because they aren't mature enough to figure things out for themselves. Bottom line? You have a woman who is willing to hurt you over her internal inadequacies and acknowledges being out of control in her own head. 10 years from now she may be datable but at the moment, she's too young to worry about.
Cecelius Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I've asked her if she likes rough sex before, and she does indeed have issues with it, due to something in her past. A third red flag to watch out for.
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