habsrule11 Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Hi everyone. I have been reading these boards for some time now and have read some good stuff. Looking for some advice. First a little background. I am 25, she is 23. Married 6 months ago. Been together for 3.5 years total. She is an outgoing, opinionated, passionate person where as I am a laid back, calculated peace keeper. We really are quite different, however, we share the same sense of humor and we always felt that we balanced each other out. We were hot and heavy and we fell in love and things were great. I always try to support her in everything she does, whether it is financially, emotionally or physically. My biggest downfall is jealousy. It is an ugly thing and I wish it didn't control me as much as it does. She likes to have friends of the opposite sex and thinks that there is nothing wrong with hanging out with men although she knows that it makes me upset. So she started to become more and more secretive and I was noticing. Basically my jealousy started to become more and more apparent and her lying became more and more frequent. I was jealous of a guy that we met on our honeymoon. When we met him she told me that he is attractive and I kinda made a smart remark because I didn't really like that. The next day they ended up swapping email addresses and phone numbers because they wanted to keep in touch. He lives thousands of miles away. He ended up emailing her about a month after the honeymoon and she told me. I told her how it made me feel threatened and that I thought it was inappropriate. She was never a computer kind of person and would go weeks without checking her email. She started checking her more and more and at weird times. This made me suspicious and made me start questioning her. She told me that they emailed each other about once a week and that he is her friend. I felt as though this was a bit of emotional infidelity on her part but she thinks that is BS. Our sex life had been lacking. She had problems with switching to a different kind of birth control and some other minor medical problems. I had finally had enough and asked her if I could read the emails. She said go ahead but then laid a guilt trip on me about now trusting her. So basically if I read her email I would be betraying her. A couple days later I decided to go into her email and realized that she had changed her password. Flags going up everywhere. I got her new password and started reading. She was disclosing lots of information to this guy about our relationship and other things that she never tells me. There obvious sexual tension in the talk. But this isn't the shocker. I am not even worried about this guy anymore...In one of her last emails she revealed that she has gone on two dates with a guy who is a regular at her work. Dinner one night and then dinner and movie at his house on another. These dates took place the same week that I read her email so it was very recent. In her email she said that it was harmless. I confronted her about this and we got in a fight and she said that she wants a break from our marriage to figure out what she wants. She said it was not about anyone else, only about her. I expressed my desire to stay faithful and wanted her to do the same but she said that she could not promise that. I told her how commited I was to working this out and told her that I would go to counselling and I read an entire Dr.Phil book over one weekend and then gave it to her to read. She said she would read it and would go to counselling with me as well. So basically she moved into her parents but we still talked about once a day. Some days she was distant and others she was telling me how much she misses me. A week and a half into the break, she slept with the guy she had gone on the dates with. She feels like she had to do it. She doesn't really feel sorry for what she did because she has now come out to tell me that she has only stayed in our relationship because I love her so much. She was trying to make me happy by staying and not addressing our real problems. She says she still loves me but is not in love with me and that she is happy when she is with him and not when she is with me. Even after all this, like a total wuss, I tell her that I want to work it out and that I would do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. I would work everyday to meet her needs and I want to give it another shot. She has moved back in with me but refuses to break contact with the OM because she doesn't want to miss out on something when she is 90% certain that we aren't going to be together. We both agree that we are still best friends and we do get along well however alot of the talk between us is about us and not about fun things. I told her that I need her to move out because I can't have her being with someone else and living in the same house with me. She is looking for an apartment but doesn't seem to be in too much of a hurry. I can't very well kick her out because I care about her and I want her to be safe. She talks to the OM while I am in the house and it kills me when I hear her do that. She has almost totally moved on in a matter of 3 or 4 weeks and she feels like she is cheating on the OM by staying in the same house as me. It's like I am in backwards land. She has felt like we were in trouble for years she says, so it's easy for her to move on so quickly because she has been moving on for so long. I am having trouble letting go however because I have only been dealing with this for 4 weeks. I am losing the love of my life and my best friend and I am not taking it well and I feel like I am never going to get her back. I feel like besides my jealousy, I treated her like a princess and gave her all my time and energy. I know that everyone is going to say no contact and move on without her. I simply can't go no contact with her. She is my best friend and the only person that I can talk to. My first appointment with the therapist is in two days and she will be going a week and a half later. We then hope to go together. Is it even worth us going together? Is there any use? Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated. I am sure more useful info will come out in later posts from me. There is just so much and this post is already long enough. Thanks for reading!
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Is it even worth us going together? Not if she's still seeing this other guy & continues to do so. No relationship or marriage counselor will deal with a situation like that. You enter into relationship counseling because both parties want to work things out & both are willing to give it a try. It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one to end it. I'm sorry I don't have any good news for you. It sounds to me like she has already decided that your relationship is over. She is certainly behaving that way & seriously disrespecting you & your feelings in the process. What is worse is that you are allowing her to do this.
Author habsrule11 Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 Yeah I hear what you are saying bluechocolate. I have accepted that she pretty much thinks it is over. But every once in a while she says things that make me think that she still thinks there is a chance for us. She went for an interview out of town a few days ago and I said to her, "So if you get that job I will pretty much never see you." and she resonded, "Oh, I guess I just figured that you would be with me." I don't know if she is just playing mind games with me or what? and I know that it is horrible that I am letting her do these things to me. However, I am not a mean person and I really do care about her well being. I am not even that mad about the OM right now, I am more worried about her getting hurt because she is jumping into something so soon. I can't just leave her behind and have her fend for herself. I can't kick her out of our house. I need to know that she is ok and safe and taken care of. She is admitted to being very confused right now, and I feel that I have to help her get through this even if it means that I am the one being hurt more and more. Perhaps it is an unhealthy way of thinking and doing things. Perhaps I am crazy for putting myself through this. Love is a crazy thing though. Maybe I am just hoping that she is going to snap out of this thing.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 There's a difference between having a wife and having a roommate. If you're goal is to have a wife, accepting a roommate instead is counterproductive to your goal. Bluechocolate is right. It takes two to make it, but only one to break it. No matter how much you love your wife....you can't fix the relationship on without her cooperation. You can't control someone else's decisions, only your own. That said, setting boundaries on the treatment you are willing to accept is something that IS within your control. If she's using you for some kind of safety net....you're ALLOWING her to do so by not establishing personal boundaries. You're abetting the crime. I can't tell you what to do...but if it were me, I'd man-up and send her back home to mommy and daddy. That girl needs to grow up some more.
Author habsrule11 Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 Yeah I suppose this whole thing boils down to getting married too young. She was obviously not ready for this. I know I was ready for it. The funny thing is that she was the one who pushed to get married so soon. Now look where we are. It just kills me to think that I won't get to do all the things we talked about doing together. She keeps saying that if it was meant to be, then we will be together. I hate that though. I don't like leaving things to chance. Do you guys have any ideas of how I could convince her to give it another shot? Or is this pretty much a lost cause?
Ladyjane14 Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 She has to WANT to give it another shot. Otherwise, she won't put the appropriate effort into it. Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is difficult at best. It requires a certain level of dedication to the goal. One of the reasons that 'No Contact' is often successful is that when the fulfillment of ENs is withdrawn....it leaves a void. Sometimes a WS (wayward spouse) will awaken to the reality of their situation and see that they really are going to lose their partner.
Author habsrule11 Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 Yeah I understand. Thanks for your advice Ladyjane. I guess the thing that I am having trouble with is that I really do love her, not just as my wife but as my best friend. I don't have many close friends anymore because I pretty much invested all of my time in her for the past 3+ years. I don't want to not talk to her because I feel good when I talk to her. I think the trick for me is to not show any neediness to her when we do talk. Right now she does not want to give it another shot...and that kills me. I understand the NC concept and I think it can work in some situations. But she already has an OM in her life to give her those ENs. By going NC I will essentially be losing my best friend. But if I stay in contact I risk her never being my wife again. so confusing....and to be quite frank with you guys, it seems like an insurmountable task to find someone new. All my friends are involved with people so they don't want to go out to meet new people. I am very shy and I have no desire to go out and put up with all the dating games. I don't even know where to find a date anymore. I am a stay at home with the dog kind of guy.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I guess the thing that I am having trouble with is that I really do love her, not just as my wife but as my best friend. Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is 'why' you allow your "friend" to treat you so badly. If somebody hurts me like that....they're NOT being my friend. In a situation in which your mate is 'sitting on the fence', unwilling to give up either the OP or their spouse....what most commonly helps is a good healthy push. Your wife is getting some of her needs met by the OM, and some met by YOU. When the OM is forced to meet ALL her ENs....sometimes he comes up short.
a4a Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 and I have no desire to go out and put up with all the dating games. I don't even know where to find a date anymore. I am a stay at home with the dog kind of guy. Those are the best kind of guys! When you least expect it you will find a person that deserves you. a4a
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Maybe the question you should be asking yourself is 'why' you allow your "friend" to treat you so badly. If somebody hurts me like that....they're NOT being my friend. In a situation in which your mate is 'sitting on the fence', unwilling to give up either the OP or their spouse....what most commonly helps is a good healthy push. Your wife is getting some of her needs met by the OM, and some met by YOU. When the OM is forced to meet ALL her ENs....sometimes he comes up short. Well said LadyJane! I am not a mean person and I really do care about her well being. Having self-respect & personal boundaries has nothing to do with being mean. Quite the contrary. And they are also qualities that most people find attractive in a man (or a woman for that matter). I don't have many close friends anymore because I pretty much invested all of my time in her for the past 3+ years. That might have been too much responsibility for her. In fact I think it's too much responsibility for anyone. You need to cultivate those friendships again and/or find some new ones.
Curmudgeon Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 best or otherwise. That's my immediate reaction to what you wrote. I'd have stopped at the "I'm only married to you out of pity" remark. You can do and deserve better!
scobro Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Patterns usually repeat with these kind of women, who always need men to want them so they seem validated in some way.I think even if you were to work things out this will happen down the road again.How can any woman just married think of going out to dinner then back to the guys apartment,wonder what happened at the apartment????You don't need this aggrivation being so young I would move on save yourself some grief bro.
Author habsrule11 Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 She says that nothing happened at the apartment that night. She also said that she wasn't going to talk to him ever again because she realized that he liked her. But then things got bad between us and she decided to see him again. I guess then things progressed...She has never done anything like this before so I am not sure if she would do it again. I think her biggest problem is that she is always looking for excitement, and lets be honest, marriage can't always be exciting. I know I should move on, but as many of you know it is not always that easy. I read alot of responses here where people say "Get rid of her, no contact...just do it." It is not that easy for me...Even after what she did to me and what she is still doing to me, I still love her. I don't want to love her, but I do.
PSmith Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Getting your self respect and dignity back is a worthwhile cause, but it won’t be easy. It requires a lot of strength and determination. Start by telling her she needs to move out. She has a place to go, she can move back in with her parents again. Visit with an attorney and file for divorce. Because the marriage was so short and she cheated, you may be able to get an annulment. You need to go NC. Not for getting her back, or to make her realize what she’s lost. Do it so you can put all your time and energy into you. She’s not your best friend. You might have been hers, but she was never yours. Definitely go into counseling. Try and find out why you would let someone treat you like this. It is possible to love someone and not simultaneously be their doormat. The best thing you could do for yourself is find a good therapist, who would help you learn how to set boundaries in a relationship. Trust me, I’ve been through this before. You think that the pain of leaving will be 1000x worse than the pain of staying. In truth it’s more like ripping off a band aid. Hurts a lot for a short time, but than gets better. The pain of staying in never ending and unrelenting. Good luck
Curmudgeon Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 making a lot of excuses, what ifs and maybes for her and her behavior, and your's as well. If you think the marriage is worth working on then by all means, get some counseling and give it your best shot. You have a 50-50 chance of surviving as a couple. Just know up front that she can never communicate with her lover again if she's to stay with you and you can't throw her affair in her face if you decided to stay together either. It has to be over for both of you, either that relationship of hers or your marriage. They can't coexist.
Author habsrule11 Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Hey everyone, thanks for all the advice. Some interesting things have happened the last couple of days...I don't know what I am going to do, but I thought I would keep you guys in the loop. When I posted on here the first time, I have come to realize that my denial over the situation was starting to wear off. I was not feeling the urge to call her or tell her how much I was hurting. When she was around, I would say very few words to her. She has spent 3 nights this week with the OM and I hardly even thought about her or what they were doing. Which was a change. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her, its just I was starting to begin to see the situation more clearly. Went to the gym Monday night. Went to the gym Tuesday night (V-day) and chatted it up with a worker there. Flirted a little and made her smile. Ended up getting sick Tuesday night and stayed home from work Wednesday. I think it was food poisoning. I didn't call her or text her over that whole time and when I saw her at our house I said hardly a word to her. She then text msg'd me on Wed, something like this: her: "how do i get over you". me: "i thought you already were." her: "so did i" me: "i was throwing up all night, i think it was food poisoning." her: "you should have called me, i would have come home and taken care of you" me: "i didn't think you'd care." her: "do you wanna do something tonight after you appt?" me: "maybe if i feel up to it." So the appointment that she was talking about was my first visit with the psychologist. I went to see her Wed afternoon. We just really scratched the surface, but she sympathized with my situation and kind of made me realize that there might not be much of a chance of us being together. Wed night the wife came home and I was still feeling ill, we talked a little mostly about nothing. I asked her what her text messages meant and she said "i dont know." I just left it at that. Thursday I went to work and she went to school and then to work and then out with her friends and stayed out at the OM place again. During the day she text msg'd me: her: "are you feeling better today" me: "mostly but not totally, sorry i wasn't up to doing anything with you." her: "that ok, you were mad at me anyway." me: "can you please stop make me feel like a bad guy for being heart broken" (she has had a tendency to make me feel bad for being upset while she is going out and sleeping with him and talking to him on the phone while i am in the same house) her: "what do you mean?" me: "its too hard to explain by text" her: "i guess i'll talk to you later then" i never called her later. Today she texted me: her: "i work till 9, do you want to do something afterwards?" me: "maybe, what did you have in mind?" her: "dinner or something like that" me: "i'll let you know" Now she just called me....she told me that she is very confused right now and has no idea wha she wants. She says that she is probably in the same place that I have been in. She seems very stressed and i think she is second guessing the horrible decisions she has made. Perhaps realizing that things weren't that bad with me and that she has made some huge mistakes. The thing is that, I think I have started moving on and have realized that maybe I am better off without her. I make more money than her and she shops alot of my money away. I pay all the bills. I cook 95% of the time, I clean 90% of the time (although she does have a very hectic schedule so i kind of understand). I am still planning on doing somehting with her tonight, but I think she is going to have to beg and plea to get back with me and things would definitely have to change... Anyone have a take on this situation?
Ladyjane14 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Give her an excuse, and back out. Why give her the opportunity to play with your head some more? ....particularly when you haven't made a decision on what you really want. Take a little time for yourself and think things through. You deserve it. You've been waiting on her to make up her mind. Let her sit back on her heels and wait.
Author habsrule11 Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Give her an excuse, and back out. Why give her the opportunity to play with your head some more? ....particularly when you haven't made a decision on what you really want. Take a little time for yourself and think things through. You deserve it. You've been waiting on her to make up her mind. Let her sit back on her heels and wait. Yeah I was thinking of doing that. I don't think I am ready to go out to dinner with her. Maybe coffee, but thats about it. I guess I am just kind of excited. I don't think I am excited at the possibility of getting back together with her, its just that for the first time in this whole ordeal, I feel like I have some power over the outcome. I think I have realized that I have some control now... I definitely don't want to jump back into things. She is going to have to win me back. It's just kind of ironic that she thinks that she is feeling the same things I am feeling now except it looks like I have moved past that and I am starting to realize that there can be life after her. I am not going to lie. I still love her, but there has been so much damage done to our relationship by her, that she is going to have to make a real effort to fix it. Make me fall in love with her all over again.
Bubster Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Don’t even go to coffee! I may not be married, but this LITTLE GIRL is walking all over you. Kick her out of your place. Yes you read correctly, kick her out. The level of respect she gives you is pathetic. You say that she misses you, but what are her actions saying? She is stringing you along as backup! She is sill in contact with this OM, she is sleeping whit this OM with no remorse, and what if he was to ask her to move in? I’m sure you’ll hear a lot less from her. And what if it doesn’t work out, I’m sure there’ll be more OM to come along, even maybe her email buddy. Put your foot down, and kick her out. Even if you were to get back together, how will you trust her around other men? She was flirting with guy on you honeymoon for gods sake! I got to tell you I read your story a day ago, and it has me so pissed off. I’ve been reluctant to reply, because I’m sure you don’t want to read this, and obviously because I’m not married. You are taking too much crap from this person, I can’t even call her you wife, I’m sorry to be harsh, but this person is treating your marriage vows like dirt. Does she even wear her ring? It seems your mind knows what to do. Yes NC!! And take a few steps back and think if you want someone like this in your life, because really, you love her, but her actions show that she does not love you. Be careful she doesn’t keep stringing you along for a wild ride! If you’re worried about meeting new people, well you’re now part of this forum, and it doesn’t sound like it’ll be hard for you to make new friends, and enjoy your life, without her. But whatever path YOU choose good luck with it. Make sure she doesn’t push you towards your choice… again, like how SHE pushed you towards your marriage.
Recommended Posts