Candied-Heart Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 In the car today BF and I were discussing Valentines Day, whether we exchange small presents etc and after heated words where he assumes all girls want gifts for V Day and that's that, he pulled up at my house [when we were supposed to be going out for lunch] and kept screaming at me to get out of the car. I got upset, well, tears started flowing, though I wanted to talk maturely but he threw accusations that I was a four year old and that I deserved someone more like me, all because I couldn't hold in a couple of stupid tears. This just made me more upset. I asked if he was dumping me and he said no but if I didn't get out of the car he would be. I felt but didn't say, that he had been acting like a 4 year old, with his tantrums and beating the steering wheel, you know, acting like a fool. Saying with no room for breath "get out of the car, get out of the car, get out of the car" So I said 'I am' got out and started crying even more, though i did not look at him, I just walked inside. He sped off angrily, skidding around the corner to 'show' he was angry at me. I am so angry and hurt and frustrated with him that something so INSIGNIFICANT like me getting him something small and he saying he doesn't want to would cause so much anger in him, [which really I am ok with, because I am not expecting anything and he seems to think all girls expect something] I've decided that even if he feels by tonight that he acted slightly like an idiot, or that we should break up, whatever it is.. I am choosing to not speak to him, especially on Valentines Day. I think I will leave this for a few days. I am so hurt that he can just throw me out of the car and that he can proclaim that he'll be 'right' by tonight as in, he'll talk to me tonight, that I should teach him a lesson and be too busy or too angry [whatever he assumes] to speak to his stupid ass. My questions are: 1. Do you think this game playing will backfire and he may dump me for ignoring him? 2. Do you think the space would be good? 3. Seeing as our fight was about Valentines day, should I still give him my gift and card afterwards? Or is it void after the day? I know a relationship is not built on mind games, though i feel he plays plenty of them and I'd like to get him back, make him feel like the idiot for once. I'd like to make him realize I'm not going to just sit around and mope after him when he acts like suck a f*** head. Thoughts?
Art_Critic Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I don't see any games being played.. He is an abusive ass ... Screaming and yelling is not a mind game.. Time to rethink the relationship and quit making excuses for him that makes it okay to treat you like crap
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 One of my exes didn't think it was important to give me so much as an effing card on V-day. And that's all I told him I wanted....just a card. It resulted in a huge argument. I told him that all I wanted was for him to do something caring...a guesture which he knew was important to me, even if it wasn't important to him. Guess what. Two months later he dumped me for another woman. I just think that if a guy truly loves and cares for a woman he will find a way to suck it up and spend the $10 for a card and small box of candy. I wish I had better news for you. But he seems like....well....like, as AC would say....an assclown.
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I know a relationship is not built on mind games, though i feel he plays plenty of them and I'd like to get him back, make him feel like the idiot for once. If you know a relationship isn't built on mind games then why partake in playing? And if you feel he plays plenty of them then why are you with him at all? I get the impression there is something more going on here. How do you go from having a discussion about Valentine's Day gifts to heated words & then screaming at you to get out of the car? If this is the way he generally behaves, then again my question is, why are you with him in the first place? As Art has said, time to rethink this relationship.
WindDrifter Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 If you stay with him I believe you will just be subjecting yourself to continualy mental and physcological abuse! Please like that are selfish and only think about themselves. They only do things for themself and are only nice if they are getting something out of you. They are manipulate and let you call into a false sense of security until they blow up again. My dad is like this and I know what I am talking about. Cut all ties! Dump him! You will be better off! Find someone who will treat you with respect and not treat you like a child and verbally abuse you. Trust me just because bruises aren't left doesn't mean you aren't affected. Sometimes you are affected even worse. Bruises heal but the mind is a lot more complex. Take a good look at yourself. Will her really change? Would you treat someone you love like this? If he does loves you why doesn't he show it? You don't need him, he needs you! He likes having control over you! He likes knowing that he can get everything he wants and he can **** up yet get you to apologise! What a complete utter idiot. Leave him now before you waste even more time on him. Be strong. Be your own person. Why let this carry on! He won't change. If he can't even show his love on Valentines Day when will he? Please Candid Heart really have a look at yourself and see what is right for you! Please Please Please! Cheers, WD
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 My questions are: 1. Do you think this game playing will backfire and he may dump me for ignoring him? 2. Do you think the space would be good? 3. Seeing as our fight was about Valentines day, should I still give him my gift and card afterwards? Or is it void after the day? 1) Who gives a f*** if he breaks up with you for not talking to him for a few days?! He's going to break up with you at some point anyway, so why delay it and get even more attached to this a**h***?! 2) Hell yeah I think any space from him would be good 3) Dont give him anything!! Any proclamation of love from you, and he will treat you even worse. He fully knows that he's treating you like $hit, and if you continue to be nice and wonderful to him he will get worse!! (no one's ever nice to the person they have no respect for) He knows that he can run all over you, and there you'll be pathetic and sweet to him. The only person that would put up with this crap is his mother, because she's supposed to love him unconditionally....but I GUARANTEE that he'd never treat his mother like this, so why is it okay for you?!?!?!? He's not worthy of your time or your efforts or your love. He needs to be kicked to the curb for treating you like this, especially when youre CRYING!!!!
HokeyReligions Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 What lesson are you wanting to teach him? What do you think he will learn by you not talking to him? Sounds like just another part of the same game to me. I don't know what you should do now, but for future reference maybe you should not talk about upcoming holidays or 'special' days and just get him a gift if you want to and surprise him with it, and let him do the same. If he doesn't want to get you anything then evaluate if that is OK in your relationship -- sometimes it is, sometimes it is not. It's not the gift itself, its why (or why not) a person gives you something. It's rather narrowminded for him (or anyone) to assume "All Girls" want something for V-Day. That would make me think that he puts you in the category of "All Girls" and are not a "special girl" to him. But that could be because of the V-day discussion. Sounds like a lot more went on besides talking about V-day gifts and you both probably owe each other an apology.
Author Candied-Heart Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 Sounds like a lot more went on besides talking about V-day gifts and you both probably owe each other an apology Lol. No, seriously. This was what it was about. We were barely in the car for long enough to discuss anything else. I am unsure as to what I will do. Though I am definitely taking some time out from him, at least for the rest of the week. I must admit I almost feel in posting here, that I should justify my relationship with him. Of course I wouldn't stay with him if this is how he was all the time, or even 20 percent of the time.
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 No, most people only treat the person their with like $hit every now and then, otherwise they wouldnt stick around The key is finding someone that doesnt treat you like $hit.....evidenced by NOT blowing up over stupid things, not being more mean when youre crying, not insulting you, etc etc
Author Candied-Heart Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 No, most people only treat the person their with like $hit every now and then, otherwise they wouldnt stick around That's what I meant. He rarely treats me this way. And now I am in a situation where I have to choose to walk away because of his behavior today, or invest in more time with him in the belief that this won't happen again and that he can learn from it, as well as me. Now whether that's by my ignoring him for a while and getting some firm ground, or by talking things through with him, or a mix of both, I don't know yet.
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I meant that people like HIM only treat you like $hit every now and then The key is to find someone who wont treat you like that But if you want to let someone do that to you, fine
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Of course I wouldn't stay with him if this is how he was all the time, or even 20 percent of the time. Okay then..... I know a relationship is not built on mind games, though i feel he plays plenty of them and I'd like to get him back, make him feel like the idiot for once. ........so what is it? He only plays mind games with you 19% of the time? Personally I would never involve myself in a relationship where I felt like I had to 'get back' at my partner or where I felt like I was 'the idiot' most of the time. And honestly, if you were barely in the car long enough to discuss anything else & that resulted in tears from you & him screaming at you to get out of the car then you two must really like the drama or there is indeed something else going on here.
Author Candied-Heart Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 BlueChocolate. I feel you're taking my replies out of context on purpose. The first one in bold is in reply to his tantrum in the car today. I plucked 20% out of nowhere as an example of a low percentage of overall arguments or bad patches that I would be willing to accept in a relationship in order to want to stay. It could even be lower. Your comment about us in the car, we were in the car for 10-15mins abd the sole conversation was about Tuesday. I really dislike it when people refuse to accept what is in front of them, like they know more is going on... The second has nothing to do with any 'percentage' of 'mind games' Forget about my thread from here on out. [is there a way to close it?] I don't think it's necessary to be so rude and pressumptious about someone elses relationship when they've given you all the information regarding the issue.
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 We're trying to help you because we have dated a LOT of mean, uncaring and/or abusive people, and its obvious when someone has bad behavior that will continue. This is one of those types of people....his behavior should be DISALLOWED by you, and you deserve someone that will care for you in proper ways We're trying to save you from much more pain and struggle, while waiting and hoping that it will get better A relationship should not be like that, so why be in it?! Just move on and be happy!
justagirliegirl Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 That's what I meant. He rarely treats me this way. And now I am in a situation where I have to choose to walk away because of his behavior today, or invest in more time with him in the belief that this won't happen again and that he can learn from it, as well as me. Now whether that's by my ignoring him for a while and getting some firm ground, or by talking things through with him, or a mix of both, I don't know yet. That is exactly how you get caught up in the abuse cycle. You think you give him another chance and he will stop treating you like that. How many times has he yelled at you before? It is like putting a money in a slot machine. You keep playing cause one day you just know you will hit the jack pot. You have to ask youself why you allow anyone to yell and scream at you and tell you to get out of the car? Somewhere he has given himself permission to do this to you and by sticking around you are saying yes you can treat me in any vile manner and I will take it.
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 The percentage of times that 'bad' things happen is not what matters. What matters is the CONTENT and BEHAVIOR that occurs whenever it happens...whether thats three times a year, or three times a month
bluechocolate Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I'm sorry you think I'm being rude, though for the life of me I can't see it. If he was just having a bad day I doubt you would have posted here about this incident, though of course I could be wrong. Forget about my thread from here on out. Consider it done.
Citizen Erased Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 BlueChocolate. I feel you're taking my replies out of context on purpose. The first one in bold is in reply to his tantrum in the car today. I plucked 20% out of nowhere as an example of a low percentage of overall arguments or bad patches that I would be willing to accept in a relationship in order to want to stay. It could even be lower. Your comment about us in the car, we were in the car for 10-15mins abd the sole conversation was about Tuesday. I really dislike it when people refuse to accept what is in front of them, like they know more is going on... The second has nothing to do with any 'percentage' of 'mind games' Forget about my thread from here on out. [is there a way to close it?] I don't think it's necessary to be so rude and pressumptious about someone elses relationship when they've given you all the information regarding the issue. We still dont have all of the facts; has this sort of thing happened before? If yes then how often? Does he do this with anyone else? How is he usually with you when you have alone time? Does he show alot of emotion? Is there any forms of added stress in his life to make him lash out at something so insignificant? You have to analyse this properly before you make any decisions because we cant for you as we dont have all of the facts nor do we know either of you. Just please think this through and be prepared for anything. Perhaps you should just speak to him about this, ask him why he went off over nothing etc. Dont play mind games because it is totally useless and will get you nowhere really fast. Good luck
Author Candied-Heart Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 has this sort of thing happened before? If yes then how often? No. Does he do this with anyone else? Not that I've seen. But I'm not there 24/7. How is he usually with you when you have alone time? Cuddly, Imaginative, Warm, Talkative. Does he show alot of emotion? In our relationship or in general? Through his actions moreso than his words, it has me appreciating everything he tells me, how he feels etc. Is there any forms of added stress in his life to make him lash out at something so insignificant? Other than every other human being's stressors in life? Career. Maybe a hot day or lack of sleep one night. IDK How many times has he yelled at you before? Perhaps once or twice, probably as much as I've gotten on his back. Though I can't recall anything like today. Usually we're disagreeing about a political issue or something that becomes funny afterwards. This does not. You have to ask youself why you allow anyone to yell and scream at you and tell you to get out of the car? I don't recall letting anyone. When he yelled, I said to calm down and to talk to me like an adult, where the preceeded to angrily retort that I was being childish [re: V Day, which was incorrect and an assumption] he continued to be angry so asked me to get out of the car, at my house, so Insteasd of take his crap I told him firmly, I am. Where he went quiet [perhaps realizing I was beyond trying to "reconciliate"] and I walked to my house. He drove off. We have not spoken since. Yeah he acted like a Jerk and I am reeling over it. I want space and it's a shame it happened the day before V Day. Though people calling him an abusive person and telling me it's repetitve behavior etc need to realize they aren't even privy to any other occurances of this behavior as far as I was aware, so it's quite out of line to make such 'assessments' of a persons character based on the woman scorned on a message board. He may be a horrible, abusive sod, though I am unsure as to whether that's the case as yet. You can have your opinion on a message board, but unless you're a qualified psychotherapist or something parallel, you can't say definitely whether this is the case. That's all I'm saying Anyway, having said that. Sorry If I've offended. I just feel as though I am being made out to be a foolish person for staying with him as if he's done nothing for me, and that's simply not true. I have strong feelings for him that are NOT dependance or mistaken for love. So.. Am I supposed to speak to him if/when he calls? Should I be saying exactly how I feel right now or cool things off etc? Unsure..
WindDrifter Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 Well to be honest the way your wrote the original post sounded a hell of a lot worse. If you want to play games and see if you have a "hand" in the relationship. Don't call him and see if he calls back. WD p.s. If you don't want peoples advice be more clear on the original post otherwise all we have is what you write. If you wrote a clearer picture of the event then maybe not so many people ,including myself, would have jumped to conclusions.
Author Candied-Heart Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 Lol. I thought I was pretty clear. I didn't write anything different. I guess this thread is proof that often people base their replies on the subject.
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I never intended to say that he IS abusive. There certainly was not enough evidence for that in what you posted, and I only make that accusation based on a number of signs occurring together. What I DID say is that we have all been with enough mean, angry, abusive, or bad guys....thats a LIST of different types of men that we have had experience with.....and so we can indentify these men fairly quickly, and advise someone of a certain characteristic that should be unacceptable to her...and we also have enough experience with it to see what will be a repetitive occurance, based on their actions and the situation. Since I dont know more about him, I cant say which category he falls into specifically, but its apparent that he DOES fall into at least one since he is capable of blowing up at you over something fairly insignificant, and being sooo hurtful. I hope this clarifies what I had been trying to say. If not, I can keep going
Art_Critic Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I personaly believe that screaming and yelling at someone for no reason and asking them to get out of the car is abusive behavior. I'm not saying he is an abusive person but certainly his behavior was. And for you to continue to dismiss it is worse than him abusing you..
cygny Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 his behavior is so off the wall, the other posters can't imagine a decent person behaving like this for any reason. that it is related to valentine's day, perhaps says something about his real feelings for you, and committing to you. a guy once told me that valentine's day was a litmus test--whether to get a gift, how much to spend, it all condensed and focused his deeper feelings about a girl--and if she wasn't what he really wanted, he found a way around the whole deal. take that how you will.
clandestinidad Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 and asking them to get out of the car Not to get nit-picky about your wording, Art, just wanted to point something out to her.... He wasnt even decent enough to ASK you to get out. He screamed and commanded it, over and over belligerantly. That is TOTALLY out of line, and definately just one of the things we've picked up on that will happen again. If someone is capable of doing it once or twice, and you stay with them, they will do it more
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