TexG Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Forgive me if I get long winded here but I recently realized that I have nobody in my life whom I can talk about this type of thing with, other than the person I'm talking about. Put your reading glasses on... As the story goes, I met this girl at work over a year ago. At the time she was involved in a very long-term relationship almost 5 years old at the time. As a couple months passed and we began to know each other it became painfully evident that she was not happy in her relationship and that her 'friend' was a deatbeat and otherwise abusive. I began to pickup on hints that she was looking for a way out. She was looking to me for help and I did the best I could to give her advice as a friend when there was obvious chemistry between us. Moving on in time she eventually managed to end that relationship and we were somewhat together. One of the main problems was that she lived on the other side of the city, almost an hour and a half away and it was difficult for me to see her outside of work. There were also other issues in that she was not able to let go of her ex as quickly as I had hoped. Eventually she even managed to move to my side of town, only a few minutes away. But by that time things had somehow changed. At some point I think I became annoyed with her still talking to and sometimes hanging out with her ex. Me being the typical male was unable to express this and began a downward spiral of treating her rather poorly, perhaps hoping to drive her away for a while until she could get over him. Apparently I went too far and as I recently found out truly broke her heart. Unfortunately she too was unable to express her feelings to me and we both went on thinking the other one was not interested. As we both recently discovered, we were both wrong. Moving on to the recent month or so.... I began realizing exactly what I had done and how I treated her. I knew she had begun to see someone else recently but was not aware of how serious they were. I was not looking to get involved or break them up however when you work with someone you've dated, it's hard to just ignore certain feelings and actions. In a hope of patching things up between us I showed up at her appartment late one night a few weeks ago. Things escalated quickly and we both poured our hearts out and said the things we'd wanted to say months before. As it turns out we were both madly in love with each other but didn't think the other was interested. It also came out that we were both still in love with each other. Hence the problem. She's gotten involved with this new guy very, very quickly. It's been a mere 3 weeks and they spend every waking and sleeping minute together. I've talked to her a lot in the past weeks and she's told me a lot about the situation. She's not the type that would move that fast but she's also fairly week willed and sometimes can't say no or "slow down". I know for a fact that she wants to slow down and spend some time evaluating the whole thing but he won't let her. She's expressed concern that he's trying to rope her in to something she's not ready for. She even made comments that he's trying to keep her from using birth control and she's scared he may be tyring to get her pregnant - which I fear is a way he may manipulate her in to staying with him. The list of concerns goes on. I have tried to look at this as her friend and not just some jealous ex however looking at it from both views has me very concerned for her. I know her personality and her history and fear she'll get stuck in yet another abusive relationship and won't have the strength to leave. The real dilema arises in that since I went to her place and we learned how we truly felt about each other we have begun to talk again. It's uncomfortably similar to the situation we were in almost a year ago. I feelt like we were sneaking around. She'll call me and talk for hours when her boyfriend isn't around and even arrange to sneak out and meet for lunch. There's nothing physical and I promised I wouldn't let that happen while she's seeing this other guy but it would only be a matter of time again before something did happen. With all this on my conscience, I finally sat her down yesterday and laid everything out for her. I told her that I could no longer sneak around with her and that I was only interested in her happiness, even if her happiness did not involve me but I could not see her and talk to her every day getting the hope that it would. Basically I told her that I am butting out of her life for a while as I can no longer interfere with her current relationship. Of course it is incredibly hard to walk away from somebody you truly love, but what other option did I have? My question for all of you that have read this far is: Did I do the right thing? I know on the surface it appears that way but I also fear that if I'm not there to question her on her current relationship and encourage her to make decisions that she may not be able to make on her own she may get stuck in a place that she can't get out of if she realizes that she's not happy. She really doesn't have a voice of reason in her life right now. If I'm going to be misserable without her or misserable trying to chase after her, which is better?
bluechocolate Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Miserable without her for the immediate future, then you'll get over it. Don't you see a pattern with this girl when it comes to relationships? If you start up a relationship again with her I predict you'll be much more miserable than you can possibly imagine.
Author TexG Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 I've thought of that, but is it a pattern with her or a pattern with me? Do I only want her when I can't have her? I was feeling pretty miserable before I knew she was seeing someone else but I have to admit things got a lot worse for me when I found out she was with somone new. Everything tells me that this is more than mere jealousy but there's that small nagging voice reminding me that it might just be only that.
bluechocolate Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I was talking about a pattern I see with her. She has a b/friend & becomes emotionally involved with you, leaves him & immediately starts another relationship with you. All the while continuing to contact the old b/friend. Things don't work out with you two, she's immediately in another relationship & now continuing to contact you. She's probably still in touch with the old old b/friend too. This woman needs to stay out of relationships for a long while & sort herself out and/or seek some professional guidance to help her do so.
Recommended Posts