golden Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I alternate between thinking that - this whole relationship's been a tremendous learning experience for me and it was worth it - he was an utter b*stard for stringing me along when he knew he didn't want a committed relationship - he might, nevertheless, be one of the few people in this lifetime that I truly connected with and loved. But no matter what I happen to be thinking at the moment, I have this overwhelming feeling that there's someone better waiting for me. Many someones, even. It gets me through some really tough times, and yet... I miss him. I miss him with a vengeance when he's not on MSN, and it pisses me off monumentally when he's sweet and caring one day and doesn't even bother to answer my messages the next. It pisses me off that he told me, "I don't want to lose you, and I really do love you" and yet couldn't care less about what he's doing to me when he talks to me barely a week after we've broken up. He'd probably stay away if I told him to - but we've tried this before, and he could never resist coming back. It pisses me off that I really still care about him - that I care enough to be around for him when he's feeling lost and lonely, despite everything. I've read about NC and it's probably my fault for not using it. But... he wasn't just a lover, he was a friend. I want him as a friend even if we never see each other again (we live on different continents). At this point I'm just confused. I know I deserve better and I don't want him back. But I miss him. Maybe I'm just used to his presence. I care about him as a friend, and I'd be there if any friend needed to talk. But it hurts when he does things I wouldn't really mind from a friend. I suppose in the end I love him, and I hate him for not sparing that love any consideration. What I really want is to be able to mute this love down to something that wouldn't hurt me everytime I take it out and use it. But how on earth do I do this? NC? Reconditioning/brainwashing? A transitional partner? (Actually, that last bit is out for me - I just can't, not with someone I have no feelings for. And I'm in no way ready to start dating again, it's like my heart is partially closed for repairs and simply won't cooperate.)
Zeppelin456 Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 How long were you dating? I think the thing to do is really give it time. Don't do the transitional thing if you're not comfortable with it.
Author golden Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 Approximately 10 months, but most of it was long-distance. He was the first person I was ever this serious about, though.
riobikini Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Dear Golden, Oh, God, I read the part where you said you alternated between, " - this whole relationship's been a tremendous learning experience for me and it was worth it,- he was an utter b*stard for stringing me along when he knew he didn't want a committed relationship,- he might, nevertheless, be one of the few people in this lifetime that I truly connected with and loved. " -and I thought it must be me talking, instead! Of course, there were parts of your post that did not mesh, exactly, with where you are, and where I've advanced to, -mainly with the transitional partner thing. But you've only just crashed, and it will probably be a while before you begin to change how you view your break-up, -and yourself. You will probably go back and forth hundreds of times thinking positively, then negatively about the whole thing. That's par for the course. That'll keep your mind busy for a long time until you are so exhausted you'll start feeling the subsequent anger phase. Some say they pass by it, others become too entrenched in it, -but most pay it a visit, no matter how brief. You'll suddenly become really pissed with the way all this is jerking you around and how upside down your life is because of it, and finally, find some solid ground to make a stand upon, and put up a great fight to defend the stand you take. The reason for that is, no one likes to have their value, intelligence, and self-confidence challenged. No one likes to feel like a used Kleenex. And that's what a break-up mainly does, -it challenges who you are as a person, and sometimes, it challenges your self-worth and tries to steal your dignity. It makes you use your coping skills, tests them to see how good they are, and if you find they're just a little broken, it makes you look for better ways to deal with traumatic things that come your way in life. It makes you use your head, for once, instead of your heart, to evaluate just how positive the whole relationship was, in the first place, and whether or not it was beneficial to you in meshing what your core values are with the sometimes, clouded aspects of those supposed in the relationship. It forces you to see things, -and yourself- for what they all are, without the pink-ice cream frills of the romance. It's a stand-alone quiz that brings you face-to-face with not only what the relationship was based on, but what you are all about, as well. It's funny, -strange, unique- in how we grow, isn't it? You'll get past the anger, past all the emotional phases, and reach your own personal, profound resolve one day. I hate to say it, but things of the heart, -break-ups being high on the list- may be the single-most attention-grabbing tool in the life of a human to call for changes that hone us into better human beings. Go figure. And you'll get through this. There are too many examples of success to think otherwise. (Smile) Stick around, -and Hugs. -Rio
In Sync Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 golden, I don't know how long you've been broken up from your bf, but you are at the stage where you know reality is not going to turn things around yet you are reluctant to fully maintain NC. It is sad to lose the friend you had with a lover, but it's sadder to wait and expect that he will honour your friendship in the way that you hope. By doing this You will stay in a place of looking for him to fulfill a need or void and this will keep you in a place of feeling disappointments when he fails to deliver. NC is your friend right now because whatever needs that are not being met by him will force you to look inward and continue your own self growth.
Author golden Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Thanks for all the replies... they really do help. Rio - I think you really got to the heart of the problem. He didn't want me, for whatever reason, and still I stayed because he had some use for me. And that was what was keeping me in that post-breakup state-of-mind. But I know I'm growing... it'll be a great day when I finally get over this and it can't jerk me around anymore. Oh, and the hugs really helped In Sync - Yeah, I finally realised that NC was the only way to get out of this. NC hurts, but no NC hurts even more. I just know that talking to him will bring me right back to square one again... I've blocked him so he can't talk to me anymore (especially today!) It actually feels really good, to tell myself that I'm strong and I can resist the temptation to break NC. Hugs to everyone, and Happy Valentine's because you deserve to be happy - right here, right now.
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