Kinson Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Hi, I'm new to these boards. I'm 22, had a first love, and been in a few relationships. I am a very romantic guy and all my friends compare me to a girl because of it lol. Anyway, right now I am currently in the process of stealing a girl away from her deadbeat, cheating boyfriend that she has been with for over a year. It sounds bad, but he really is an ass. She had feelings for me prior to her relationship, during, and at the present. She has said very bluntly that she wants to sleep with me, but I just don't feel comfortable with it while she is so confused about her feelings. She says she doesn't just want something physical with me, but that's all she can commit to at the moment while she evaluates her true feelings for her boyfriend. I think that because this is her first serious relationship, she's just gotten comfortable in it, but that's just my opinion. Normally, I wouldn't care, but I'm afraid I've really fallen for this girl. Right now, I'm just letting her get to know me better. I've been burned so it is hard letting someone in, but I'm getting over it. Plus, if I get burned this time I know I can handle it. Our timing has never been very good, so I feel like this is really my best chance. I know I should probably back off for a while and let her take a look at her relationship without me in the picture, but I just feel like I have to see this through. Any comments?
Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Be her friend, but don't sleep with her while she is still with her boyfriend. She needs to make the break with him first. Listen to your gut on this. She needs to be free to be able to pursue any type of relationship with you. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 If you like this girl and want her as your girlfriend, then wait and do it the right way. Wait for their relationship to end. 1)She, just as all of us, needs time between relationships before jumping into another one. She should be on her own for a while. Stay close by as a friend, but don't pursue her in a romantic way. 2)If you take her away from her boyfriend, just remember how you two got together...Wouldn't you rather her come to you on her own, rather than stealing her from her boyfriend? That isn't a good way to start off a relationship either...Cuz further down the road, what if some guy woo's her away from you? Just something to consider. 3)She needs time to figure out what she wants, and honestly how can someone decide to be with someone else if they are still in a relationship? Put yourself in her shoes, what if you were seeing someone and another woman came into the picture...I'm sure you would be confused and needing time alone to figure things out. If this guy is a bad person as you've said, then do not get involved to break them up. He could come after you too and that isn't good. Definately tell her how you feel about her and she's worth waiting for - Then back off. Hopefully she'll gather the strength to end it with him. Give it time and see how it goes. In the meantime, do keep yourself busy so you aren't "waiting" doing nothing while she is deciding what and who she wants. Good luck and keep posting!
Author Kinson Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 Be her friend, but don't sleep with her while she is still with her boyfriend. Thanks, I had to hear someone else say that. My friends are no help lol. He could come after you too and that isn't good. I've dealt with crazy ex's before and it is not fun. Definately tell her how you feel about her and she's worth waiting for - Then back off. I'm supposed to see her tonight, and I think I will back off after that. do keep yourself busy so you aren't "waiting" I still casually date, it's just that this girl is the "special" one. Thank you so much for all your comments.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 You're welcome. Just be careful around that guy. You don't want to make the situation worse by him kicking your ass. That will confuse and upset her too...She could feel guilty if that happened and stay with him. So, stay out of the line of fire, out of sight, out of mind!
SoleMate Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 If you manage to convince her to truly leave her bf, I do not consider that stealing. I wouldn't even if he were a really nice guy, and in this case, it is clear that he is no good for her. I see no need for anyone to treat their bond as if it had the sanctity of a marriage union - it doesn't. I do agree that you should make it clear that you would have lots of love to give her, if and only if she leaves him. You'll both be tempted to sneak "tastes" of what it could be like, and I agree with the others that this only leads to a confusing, drama-laden mess. IT is a bad way to start a relationship that you hope will last. This really requires some finesse. If you just back way off, I am afraid you will lose your chance. If you try to rush the issue, you may turn her off or just end up being an OM. The fine line to walk is that you are available for her - love her deeply etc. - for a short time, if and only if she makes a clean break. You love her too much to suffer watching her be hurt by this "person" she is involved with. At the same time, you're surely right that she does have some comfort factor, which may lead to fear of being alone. She will need a hand extended to her to help her over that chasm of potential loneliness. One secret about women is that for any woman over the age of 15 who doesn't need a bag over her head to leave the house, if she wants a man, she can have one - at any time. Not always the best quality, sure. But if you're a timid young person and you have instant access to a friend who sticks to you like glue and runs around at your bidding - aka a "boyfriend" - you'll sign up for it. That's what she has with him. Not the mature, fulfilling, principled love that you want to build with her. (BTW - it can also be hot, steamy, and passionate.) I suggest you look up the books and web info of Dr. Willard Harley. Focus on the 10 most important emotional needs of men and women. You can build a very strong love relationship of you both do a great job of meeting each other's most deeply felt needs. The secret is to really understand the needs instead of just assuming. Good luck!
Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 She has said very bluntly that she wants to sleep with me... she doesn't just want something physical with me, but that's all she can commit to at the moment while she evaluates her true feelings for her boyfriend...... Any comments? Hello Kinson. She's suggesting having sex with you while she evaluates her feelings for another man? How can that possibly work..? You can't work on two relationships at once. So where is the honesty here..? She's either through with the man she's currently with or she isn't ('evaluating' is NOT through). So, if she is through with him... then why is she suggesting you sleep with her at this point? Why isn't she moving out and dating you properly? And if she's not through with him... then what exactly does she have in mind? Reeling you in, seeing if you taste good... getting you all 'fallen for her' and then what..? She evaluates that she's quite happy where she is? I have a few friends who are OM. It's just as bad for them as it is for OW. I think it would be a good idea to look at this clearly and pick it apart before you get sexually involved with her. Because once you're in, its surprisingly hard to get out again. Best of luck.
Guest Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I think it would be a good idea to look at this clearly and pick it apart before you get sexually involved with her. Yeah, I'm being careful. I have no plans to sleep with her while the boyfriend's in the picture. Just going to have to wait and see what happens. Thanks for all the input everyone.
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