Don't want to end up a rash and burn type relationship: Really just taking it slow?

[Wing]

here is my story hope I could get some opinion here. bit long, please read

Everything have been going great between me and my BF of two months.I have been to his house few time. here is the story:

day one: I went to his house had dinner there and stayed a night ( in seperate rooms, we havet had sex, I dont believe in sex before marriage, which we have talked about before and he respect that)

day two: i back home lunch time. we chated online afternoon.

day three: no sms no call from him

day four: no sms no call from him, I called him at night, no answer, called agian later at night, no answer. I start worry about him.

day five: i called him at morning, no answer, lunch time he smsed me said sorry that he had been busy, i replied, its ok, i thought something happened, as long as everything is ok with him i am happy. night he smsed me just to say good night.

day six:no contact througt the day, night time i received a long email from him, basically in the email he said, he has been busy, sorry made me worried, and he still busy recently (renovating his house) and look after his nonna (she just moved to live with him recently). and he said he really attached to me already, and he know i am attached to him also and i cant not concentrate in day to day as i thinking about him. he felt we move too fast, that he dont want crash and burn type of relationship, so he decided to slow down and want me to slow down too. he also said he afriad i cant stay in his country and will leave him soon(i am from oversea and study in his country, my visa expire in a month time and i am applying a visa to stay permnently here, but not sure if i can get the vis) and he said, his phone have problem cant accept calls, and he has no credit cant send sms, but he will get credit soon. and he said i cant contact him by email. i dont really know what he is thinking, that he really just want to slow down or just be polite to tell me that he think i should not contact him anymore.

day seven: chated online, asked him question, and he meant we still in a relationship, everything is still the same, and he just want to slow down. as we talk he have no intention to see me any time soon (at least not in Feb).but he also said he is trying to plan uni time table well so we have time to see each other.

now: a week later, no sms , no call from him.

 

i actually feel bit relax, as im thinking now, ok take it slow, no pressure no stress, see where it goes. and concentrate in my own life,(i plan to do my research degree this year, a lot of work to do). same time, im wondering, i dont feel like i am in a relationship that as i cant even talk to my BF onec a week, and i dont know when he plans to see me again. and i am not planning to call him or sms him, i dont want to push him or sound desperate.

 

anyone have any opinion about what is going on? is he really just taking it slow as he said he is serious about me dont want to end up a rash and burn type relationship, or something else? or i am thinking too much?

 

thanks :-) please someone give me some opinion, this is my first relationship, no experience , need help:-)

[Mary3]

He broke up with you.

[Wing]

that was what I thought, when I read his email.

but when next time i was online, he started talk to me first, and asked me to read the email. and i asked him " is that mean we not in a relationship anymore?" he said" nooooooo, we still the same, we still in a relationship, everything is the same." and i ask" but we wont talk on phone or see each other" he said " no, we still do everything, but less often"

but now a week , no phone call.

i am confused. if he broke up with me, why he say "no , we still the same, we still in a relationship....."

or he is seeing someone else, but still want to keep me available.?

more opinion please.

[incognito]

i am confused. if he broke up with me, why he say "no , we still the same, we still in a relationship....."

 

It's a passive-aggressive manipulation...he doesn't want to be w/ you, but he's too pussy to actually say that to you, so he's hoping you'll just get sick of his **** and say it to him first, or, that you'll just go away.

[Mary3]

He is Mind fu***** you.

 

He wants you to believe you are both still together and only one reason for that.: He is a Pussy and he is stringing you along until he finds someone else better and then you are in the dumper !

 

Tell him to kiss your *arse* and move on

[clandestinidad]

I agree w/ the others.

 

He wants you to stick around for the random times HE wants some companionship or something, and told you that youre still in a relationship so that you wont date anyone else.

 

Drop him and dont answer any calls, messages, or emails.

 

Wouldnt you much rather spend time thinking about someone who doesnt push you away like this? You'll find him when you stop wasting time on this loser.

[loony]

What the others said. He is weak.

[Wing]

thanks for everyone's opinion. I think I agree with everyone have posted here.

I really likes him, and i really want to believe he is just taking it slow. but seems its not like that. yeah, I wont call or sms or email him anymore, (i haven't try to contacted him since the email), Im very sad now.

see if he will contact me again.

Its hard since i really like him, i dont know what i will think and do when he contact me agian. at least i wont contact him for now.

[Mary3]

Of course you really like him but he could give a crap about you ~!

 

He is NOT feeling your pain right now okay ?

 

He is thinking about Numero Uno *( himself ) and you need to NOT contact him .

 

Let him miss you.. but the NC is NOT for HIM . Its for YOU.

 

You need to get on with your life and its more dignified if you tell him to shove it up his A**

[Wing]

here is the update of my story :

V-day, he smsed me when I was at work, that he want to see me and he is at my area. So he waited for whole day till I finish work at 5pm.

We met and he start to telling me, he had a think about the email he sent me and the idea he wanted to slow down. he felt bad as he realised he sort of pushed me away, even he never thought about break up with me but to keep thing going well and i must felt hurt becasue of the email. He said sorry that he did not call or sms me for a week, one reason is that he was thinking about slow down as well as his Dad and Grandma is living at his place for these few weeks, he cant call me infront of them.

So he want me to forgive him.

It was V-day, first V-day for us, and he came without any flowers, presents, or even a card. he said he was looking for a kind of speical white flowers for me, but he did not find it, and he think rose is a bad idea since it die too fast

 

about one and half hour later he has to go home.

 

we chated online yesterday, and one call from him today about 2 minutes.

and he was asking me when I have day off from work next week, (last week of uni summer holiday), I siad I have no days off next week.

 

So , I felt his action does not match his words:

He always say he cares about me, he like me so much, I have his heart. he could not even think about break up with me that it would destroy him completely(said this when I told him I felt that email is about to break up with me)

He never got me any presents since the very begining.I have got him chocolates once, since he have nothing for me, I did not get anything more for him. I am not asking gifts, flower every week, and I am not asking expensive things, just the thought is important. he have not even treat me for one dinner. we only go out day time, never stayed out later than 7pm. I alway pay my share when we go out.

 

maybe I am trying to find excuse for him because I like him. I am thinking maybe he is uni student, and his parents support his study and living (from rich family), that he does not have control over money. and maybe as he said this is his first relationship, and he is seirous doesnt want anything go wrong , so he doesen know what to do sometimes, and made bad decisions.

 

Background info(from him): he does not smoke, drink wing with meals. does not go to pubs,and dislike the idea to meet people in pubs. he said he was brought up very strictly. (trying to tell me that he is from a very good family, well educated parents, he is not a guy who plays games, but very seirous about relationship and love)

this my first relationship too, maybe I have some problems too.?

I care about him, I want to believe him.

But I dont know if I can believe, if I should wait longer.

 

anyone experienced please give me some idea, is there a way I can get a idea if he is really serious about our relationshp? or is he just keep me because he is lonely and he deosnt have anyone better to be with yet?

Thanks

[Mary3]

You need to face reality . He tried to shrug you off and he regrets that he hurt your feelings and tried to retract some of what he said, But the fact remains this is NOT how bf/gf act together. You are in the friend zone . That means you are not taken seriously by this man. You are not what he wants in his future . How do you know that ? By his ACTIONS. And his actions all speak quite loudly.

 

You seem like such a nice girl and I promise you that REAL boyfriends will treat you much better. If you were bf/gf he should have planned the day and brought you something special on VDay. Even if he had to get Walmart flowers or flowers by the roadside , he could have done SOMETHING on V day for you.

 

It sounds like he has pity for you and it does not sound like this is going in a good direction,

 

It seems you did over call him and he slowed you down. But what he REALLY did was break up with you. He wont say it. He will just slowly remove himself from your life. Please wake up !

How did you meet this man ?

[Wing]

We study at the same university but not doing same course. I am 21 he is 20.

so confusing, he was saying he made wrong decision to slow down, so he dont want to slow donw anymore. But yeah as you said, his action tells me completely different things as his words. oh well. I guess time for me to wak up now. But at least, should I have a talk to him, that how I felt about all this, and I think maybe should not be bf/gf anymore.? or just stop answer his call, sms and any contact.

[clandestinidad]

Now that I've heard more about this, its sounding like a cultural situation. He sounds very structured/controlled by his family, and perhaps has not matured enough to know how to handle situations. Certain cultures view the family relationship differently than others. Some are extremely close/controlling and it is very difficult to get 'in'. It takes a lot of time and patience, as the relationship typically moves very slowly.

 

I'm wondering if his family might be like that. What culture do they associate with, what beliefs do they have, etc??

 

And I ask the same about you, and are the two of you within the same culture?

[blind_otter]

hey hey hey. I wouldn't want to start getting intense with anyone with my dad and grandma in the house, either.

 

also this is both you guys' first relationships? It looks fine to me. I disagree with the posts that said he's dumped you. Just because you don't talk like every day? Different relationships for different people.

 

wait to see if things change with his nonna and dad move out.

[Wing]

He is Italian and I am Asian. He have't told his parents about me, he have told once he introduce a girl to his parents that is a very big committment.

To me the same, I have not told my parents about him yet, it is a big committment.

He said his family do like asian girl. and he ask me if my family would like him.

He haven told me many things about his parents, his brother, his Godfather, and himself, he also told me soemthing about him that he claim he has never told anyone else.

And yes this is both his and mine first relationship. he said, he has been waiting someone like me for so long. and he is so proud to be with me. One thing make me believe he is serious is that, when he asked me to be his gf, I have told him that I dont believe in sex before marriage. and he said he is glad that is what I thought, he said that is how is should be. I have been to his place overnight, and we did slept in seperate rooms.

But I am not so happy that he havent get me any gifts or flowers since the very begining, and nothing on V-day.:-(

[Wing]

Dear all, update on my first relationship.

 

his nonna and dad left, a month ago, eveything back to before, all good. He was planning to take me to somewhere really nice (he said not telling me, it was a secret). AND, the night before the day he planed to take me somewhere, he called me and guess what. he told me his mum arrived:-(, moreover, they went out to shopping and he was trying to carry a desk home and injured his shoulder so cant go out next day:-(.

 

well, hunni injured his shoulder, not his fault, I just said it was ok, dont worry plenty time. And hope he get better soon. and I said I do have some good medcine for his injure, and I could bring to him, next day, and I would not go to his place as his mum was there, I would just go near his house and drop the medicine to him. But he refused, he dont want me to go to his area to drop medicine, reason was when he was in pain he dont feel like peole around.

 

All above happened a moth ago, just after his dad and nonna left.

 

 

Two weeks ago, uni started, and oneday, he said he want to be firends with me, as relationship distracting him from study. but he also said, he love me, and he see a future with me, thats why he want to be with me after uni, but friends (close friends) while he is in uni. because he said, in a relationship make him thinking about me all the time, and want to be with me all the time, so cant concentrate in study. He needs high distinction(HD) in all subjects to get into the company he wants to get into.

So I said "its ok, if that is your dieicsion" and i told him i like him, and i want him to be successful too.

 

four days, i did not call him, did not contact him at all, and he called me on the fifth day. and he said he realise he cant just stop thinking about me, and not in a relationship with me make him feel worse. and he said he realise how much he miss me and how much i mean to him during the four day. so he want to back into relationship with me.

[Mary3]

Play your cards right. You got him missing you. Take control now and tell him what YOU want....Its not all about what HE wants all the time....Its about 2 people ,you know ?

[smile]

The guy I am interested in currently did the same pull back kind of thing. For him it was because the attraction relationship happened quicker than he had anticipated and he wanted to get to know me as a friend and find time for me in his life, yada yada yada.

 

Everyone told me this was the brush off, and I kinda felt it was. But he was very adamant about the fact that it wasn't. He just says his life is too busy and crazy right now (in between jobs, in between places to live, just moved away from his family) to try and dedicate himself to a relationship he doesn't have time for.

 

My point is this, I don't think this is a bad guy here.. (yours or mine). I think what you have is someone who cares about you and is afraid he is going to hurt you. He may be scared that things happened so fast, and he wants to be sure because he has more than just a fling in mind. You already know he respects you enough not to use you for sex.

 

You have to be clear about who you are in a relationship with. If you truly appreciate his needing to take it slow, you need to respect it. And, in turn he will respect you and your needs. Just trust him.

 

You may get hurt but it is your first relationship. Yours and his. And we can all sit here and tell you what you should do and what you should think but at the end of the day the relationship is between you and him. It was great that you took space and he responded as he did. Take it from there.

 

Now if I can just take my own advice on that we may both be ok.

 

Good luck:love:

[Wing]

Thanks smile, good luck to you too. hope everything works out for you:-) most my friends were telling me, I should leave him. But I trust him and I do likes him a lot. One thing make me confused what to do is that: somedays he seems so so sweet, and show me how much he likes me, and wanting to see me every day. next few days he seems distant, not talking to me much, not calling me for few days, ignore me on MSN, or even say he wants to be friends with me (if you read my previous post, this happend few times already), and next few days he would call me and apologize to me about how he has treated me bad (ignore me, not calling me, not see me) and tells me he really likes me, he would never think about break up with me, just he was budy,in bad mood, family problems ( he said that to break up with me would destroy him completely), ok, the next few days may seems ok, he would start calling me again and make plans for us more often., then next few day, he would start all over agian, ignore me on msn, and no calls, and no plan to see me as well,

So I really dont know why he does this?

Any idea apprieciated.

 

thanks

-wing

[BeFree]

You don't have to totally break it off with him, but you need to show him that you are not sitting around waiting for him to call. If I were you I would not call him, let him call you unless you are returning his call. If he ask you out, he should pay. If someone else ask you out, go ahead and go on other dates. He will get the idea and want to move foreward much more quickly.

[Mary3]

If you want this to be a long term relationship then he has got to STOP ignoring you one day and paying attention to you the next,.

 

I have to say Self Respect First. Please tell him how you feel and that you do not like this up and down emotional roller coaster. Agree to NOTHING until you talk to him about this.

 

It is quite cruel to ignore someone and the next day pay attention !

[Wing]

If you truly appreciate his needing to take it slow, you need to respect it. And, in turn he will respect you and your needs. Just trust him.---from smile

 

I truly appreciate his needing to take it slow, but I can not see that he respects me and appricaite me. (ignoring me, not call me for days, and being rude when talking to me)

 

Trust him.? I found his profile on a dating site this afternoon, just by accident. I had the feeling he may seeing someone else, and just went to a local dating website, and guess what, his pic is there. profile is there.

 

 

If you want this to be a long term relationship then he has got to STOP ignoring you one day and paying attention to you the next,.

 

I have to say Self Respect First. Please tell him how you feel and that you do not like this up and down emotional roller coaster. Agree to NOTHING until you talk to him about this.

 

It is quite cruel to ignore someone and the next day pay attention !----from Mary3

 

 

I don't know whats on his mind and why he doing this. Saying want to be with me, doesn't want to break up with me, same time has a profile on a dating site. I just don't get it.

 

I do like him, and do want a long relationship with him. SELF RESPECT, I also know, I truly had enough. I deserve better.

 

Now, I feel like to send him a email or something, to tell him how I feel, to express my anger and end it. If to send him a email, what should I write? Or should I just stop receiving his phone calls, and block him on msn?

 

Please any opinion.

 

-wing

[Mary3]

Oh no you DON'T want a relationship with the piddly crumbs you are offered with THIS guy.

 

Absolutely NOT. Tell him what you want. If he wants to continue to play with your head then he has made his choice to LOSE you.

 

If he is made aware that you will not tolerate this behavior and he continues to do it. then he is FOOL and deserves to lose you completely.

[Wing]

Should I tell him I saw his profile on the dating site.? or to tell him I am really upset and hurt from other ways. I really no experience, Not sure what is the best way to talk to him/email him.

Please help

 

thanks

-wing

[Mary3]

I would definatly tell him you accidentally ran across his profile.

 

Ask him if its old or active. ? Ask him why he is ignoring you ? : Ask him if he is emotionally involved in other women ? Ask him if he replies to winks and emails from girls. ?

 

Ask him why he is being a creep ?

 

Ask him if he wants to hold onto you he needs to break out the heavy artillary and get to work !

 

He wont get you back easily .He needs to work for the best !