How would you make the OM pay for his crimes?

[UPS Man]

I'm looking for some suggestions on how to deal with/payback the OM. Here is my situation.....my wife and I have been married for 10 years w/2 kids. No problems - the basic two kids, white picket fence, American family. We moved into our current home in 2002. Soon thereafter my wife, trying to quickly make friends in the neighborhood, became close to the OM's wife. The OM doesn't work as he lives off the money his wife's family has. The OM's wife does work and is gone during the day. She is oblivious to the ways of the world and thinks her husband can do no wrong. My wife is a stay home mom. On a few occasions I would come home from work and the OM would be at my home, with his daughter, so that our children could play togethor. I wasn't concerned at the time because the OM didn't strike me as my wife's type at all - glasses, skinny, penny loafers, pants up to his belly button, shirt buttoned to the collar etc...

Over the next 3 years or so my wife began talking more about the OM as becoming a good friend, nice to talk to during the day etc...our families would get togethor a few times a month to hang out and I really wasn't picking up any warning signs yet. My wife and I communicate very well and it was about this time that she started mentioning that she was starting to have a some fantasies about the OM. I thought it was funny as he is so unthreatening! She told me that he was becoming more forward with her with sexual comments and touching. She assured me though that she was a big girl and could handle him and that I had nothing to worry about.

Towards the end of October of 2005 my wife's grandmother died. They were very close and my wife took it a little hard but after about a week she was OK. This was when the OM made his move. I took a few days off for the funeral and grieving but that was all I could take. During the next few weeks the OM took advantage of my wife's loss and gave her the shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to during the day that I couldn't. I sensed something was not quite right with my wife towards the middle of December. I asked her what was going on/wrong and she came clean and told me that on three occasions the OM invited himself in to talk and they would end up making out. The last time they were togethor one thing lead to another and she masturbated him while they were kissing - in MY family room! She didn't want to "finish" him so she stopped and he "finished" himself in his hand. Then he washed his hands and left. Needless to say I was FURIOUS! Not only had he taken advantage of my wife but had manipulated her at a time when she was very vunerable. I confronted the OM at a Christmas party the next day....he denied everything. My wife asked me not to mention anything to the OM's wife as they are still good friends. The OM now struts around the neighorhood like his sh*t doesn't stink thinking he is the big stud in the 'hood. I have to go to family/neighborhood functions and act like nothing has gone on. The OM's wife has no clue and thinks he walks on water......I have forgiven my wife and have spent many hours talking this through with her. My problem now is how to deal with/payback the OM. I would LOVE for his wife to find out but honestly think that she wouldn't believe anything happened.....any suggestions?????

[hooghie]

First of all, I've never been in the same situation as the people involved here so please take my advice with that in mind.

 

I would tell the wife. Plain and simple. More because I think she deserves to know than to 'get even' with him. I would hate to be in her shoes with everyone else knowing my business, but me. I wouldn't want to look like a fool.

 

As for your own wife, I wouldn't let her off so easily. Yes, the OM was scum, but she knew he was coming on to her and she continued a one on one relationship with him. SHe could have put her foot down way before anything happened. I'm sure there are other people in her life that could have been a shoulder for her to cry on.

 

Good luck with whatever you do.

[Chump64]

I would also tell the man's wife. When two marriages have been violated, all parties need to have the truth. When secrecy remains, not only does it make it easier for this guy to wiggle himself back into your wife's life, but it makes it easier for your wife to consider reconnecting with him. Everyone has to know. When I busted my husband, I send the OW a memo via email. I said, "I hope you have the decency to tell your husband before I do. I'll give you the weekend."

[AJS]

I am a MW and I had a A for a year with somebody my H didn't know. When he found out he was very angry and hurt BUT, if he had ever thought that I was manipulated into it, I would have thought he was an idiot. I KNEW what I was doing. I'm a grown woman and so is your wife. I think it's great that you can forgive her, but please don't fool yourself. She is just as wrong as your neighbor.

 

As far as him denying everything, he's scared of what you will do. You have every right to be angry at him, you trusted him. I think I would just cut all ties with them. If OM's W ask why, tell her to talk to her H. IMO It's good that your W was honest with you about this, and she didn't let it go as far as it could have, but she did let it get to far. It seems like maybe there is a problem with her being lonely? I'm sure you both covered these things already. Good Luck, it sounds like the two of you can work this out ok to me.

[Bryanp]

Of course you tell the OM's wife. I would demand that your wife also admit to the OM's wife also since it is the least she should do. I think you let your wife off way too easy. She had sex with this guy in your own home! This shows total disrespect for your and the sanctity of your home. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would have accepted so easy the way you did if you admitted to maturbating another female neighbor in your home? What were the consequences to your wife's humiliation and disrespect of your marriage. She made out with this guy 3 times in your home. I am sorry friend but your wife made a fool out of you. Again the least she can do is to confess to the OM's wife. Otherwise the OM and your wife continue to make you look like a fool and they both semingly got off scott free.

[Sami_D]

I think you should concentrate your energies on improving your relationship with your wife. She wandered away from you (rather than this OM stealing her away) because of the lack of something (support, affection, attention..?) in your relationship with her. Re-making that connection with her (even in this hard time) would be the best thing you could do now.

[lindya]

I'd invite the guy round for a drink. Just him - not his wife. Make sure your wife is there too. Sit down, make small talk, be social...then casually mention that the OM's wife is to be told about the masturbating incidents (not "I think she should be told" just "she is to be told"). The OM has 30 minutes to come to a decision as to the best way to tell her, and if he hasn't made a decision by the end of that hour, you'll be telling her. Have a phone in your hand as you say this.

 

Plan the room out with some care. Make sure that everyone has drinks...but have the drink table beside his chair rather than in front of him (so that he doesn't have a prop to hide behind). Keep the tv switched off so that he doesn't have anything to focus on. Usher him to a seat that has its back to the door. Don't put any ice in your drink, but make sure his is full of ice. It's important for you to be detached, calm, polite and uncompromising. Ideally, he'll be sitting there - light making him squint, ice rattling noisily as his hand shakes, knees shaking a little. Your wife needs to see him being a nervous, fragile little ****bag - without you adopting any overtly bullying tactics towards him.

 

If he tries to chat and slither his way out of the predicament, just watch him. Don't get into any debates with him. Say as little as possible, and if you do need to say something just occasionally point out the remaining time he has left to decide how to tell his wife. Don't help him in anyway...just present him with the problem then sit back and watch him try to solve it.

 

For the sake of your marriage, I think your wife would need to know in advance that you were going to invite him round and put this to him. I'm sure she's terrified about the prospect of his wife finding out - particularly as the two of them are friends...and no doubt she'll need to be reassured that she has your absolute support if and when other women in the neighbourhood start alienating her for this.

 

Your other alternative is to just brush this under the carpet and focus, as Sam suggests, on giving your wife more attention and affection. It's probably worth considering whether your wife is generally a high maintenance sort of person who needs a lot of male attention and validation. If so, I'd be plumping for the confrontation rather than the more supportive under-carpet-brushing option.

[whichwayisup]

Lindya's advice is good too, as well as the other posters.

 

I think the wife needs to know because the OM could tell his wife that your wife came onto him and he did nothing wrong. She needs to know the truth. As uncomfortable it will be - Maybe all four of you should talk together. That way the cards are on the table, no holes barred.

 

You are in an awful spot, I feel for you on this one. And I do hope that you and your wife work through all this and become closer. Also she needs to keep busier during the day, find a mother's group to join, with other mothers and kids.

 

Spend time with your wife. Be there for her. This isn't your fault at all but she did turn to another man for emotional support. Work together to make things good again in your relationship, take this situation and learn from it. Always keep the door of communication open so this doesn't happen ever again.

[SoleMate]

lindya...I'm assuming you're ex-CIA...where else could you learn those psychological manipulation techniques?

 

I agree they're good, although I myself would have a hard time implementing them.

[lindya]

lindya...I'm assuming you're ex-CIA...where else could you learn those psychological manipulation techniques?

 

I've had a couple of control freak bosses in the past.

[castle26]

Im thinking the OM might not accept the drink invitation, (wonder why) and it doesn't seem right to tell his wife because it would hurt her, and she's done nothing wrong. It could also drive the OM's wife into UPS man's arms, for sympathy as the two of them are the injured parties. Never saying another word about it can lessen its importance. The W probably soulnt have said anything to her H about it either. just my thoughts

[THX2000]

Unfortunately I found in Oct. that my long term GF of 4+ years was having an affair with a much older married policeman. I was absolutely devastated over this and honestly was out of my mind the weekend that I found out. Unfortunately in my rage I didn't plan out my revenge on the guy as effectively as I could have but I still got him pretty good. I wrestled with whether or not I should call his wife as they have 2 small children and I knew this would devastate the 3 of their lives. However after speaking with several people I felt that she deserved to know what was going on. I called her and told her what was up and provided her with all the evidence which subsequently is ruining him in his divorce. I so badly want to drive the 2 hours to where he lives and just beat the living tar out of him but I am notgoing to ruin my life for a few minutes of payback. HOWEVER, I know from friends of his that he is absolutely terrified of me. He is firmly under the impression that I am "out to get him" and that I am some kind of computer genius that has him under surveillance (I busted them by finding evidence that my ex had deleted from my digital cameras and computer). It's laughable really but I feel pretty good knowing that he is always looking over his shoulder worried about what I am going to do to him. That's my best revenge - being in his head 24-7.

[Curmudgeon]

Your wife is. In your sphere, if anyone's to be "punished" (they're not children, you know) it's her. Why "punish" someone who may be totally unaware and innocent? Isn't being stuck with the cock-o-the-walk "punishment enough?

[Chump64]

I agree with Curmudgeon. Your wife is the one who cheated on you and crapped on your wedding vows, not this other man.

 

I still say that HIS wife needs to know what went on. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Put the crap on the table and let everyone involved know the truth.

[reservoirdog1]

Absolutely right, the OM's wife isn't your concern. Your own wife is.

 

Which is exactly why you have to tell OMW. Forget notions about whether she "deserves to know." You're not playing the role of superhero here. Your only concern is to preserve your own marriage, and do whatever it takes to ensure that your W's avenue to cheat with that maggot is shut down.

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy. By telling OMW, you're making it a hell of a lot more difficult for him to continue to contact your W, because his own W will be onto him. Especially if you insist on your W confessing to her herself (great idea, that). Get it out in the open. And for now, don't trust your W about the affair, or whether it's over, or whether she's spoken to him since you found out. Everything she says about that is suspect.

[brokenherted]

I am still struggleing with the idea of going and punching his lights out.

Part of me know that only make the problems worse but I sure as hell feel like it.

 

I want to tell his wife too. Whats stopping me is that he has two kids. Now he deserves whatever comes to him and his wife well she ought to know but I am not sure I want to be in any way responsible for two kids growing up in a broken home and/or without a dad.

[UPS Man]

THANK YOU all for the feedback and support...one thing I forgot to mention was that the OM's wife was pregnant at the time and due any day now!!!

[BUTAFLY]

I will never get this statement: " Not only had he taken advantage of my wife but had manipulated her at a time when she was very vunerable."

 

Is your wife a special needs person who cant make decisions of her own. this happened on more than one occasion(them making out). Know thats off my chest.....

 

everyone gave good advice. I know how it feels to want to tell the betrayed spouse. In my situation I tried telling my 'boyfriends' wife that we had been dating and he was going around as if he (coincedently an UPSer)was single. Like your neighbors wife she was oblivious..thought he was the best thing since sliced bread and so innocent looking, I couldnt bring myself to tell her. I see your suffering from the same thing being she is pregnant and all.

 

I say unless you catch him talking to your wife or mentioning her in anyway, make sure his wife finds out.

[witabix]

UPS Man, I think you have handled this admirably. Does the UPS stand for Uninterrutable Power Supply? Because thats what you seem to have.

 

All the posters have suggested various forms of telling/not telling his wife, I have no idea how much of a good/bad idea either one of these are.

 

It is certainly worth considering.

 

I know that I would have handled this far, far worse than you.

 

I would have ditched the wife, beaten the holy crap out of the guy and made things a whole lot worse. You are to be commended on your self control and forgiveness of your wife.

 

You are doing this the right way, can you just make sure that he knows you know? That he has to stay away from your family, Lindya's CIA type stuff works sometimes, so does the eyeball to eyeball testosterone pumping warning.

 

"If you ever so much as look at my wife/kids/house or me ever again....." kind of thing. Sometimes the threat is more powerful than the deed.

 

I guess I am suggesting intimidation here, not sure how I feel about giving this as advice, but its just an alternative idea. I don't believe violence is the answer to anything, sometimes we have to act like the apes, its part of us.

 

He sounds like a real slime ball, I hope I never come across anyone like this, I know I would lose it.

[Moose]

I know how I would've handled too......

 

First....Mrs. Moose would get the biggest butt chewin' of her entire life....then I would be next for neglecting my wife and creating an enviroment to allow something like this to happen......

 

Then, the little s*** would have a shadow one day until he's completely alone, (no witnesses)......then appears Moose with his 9MM, cocked and loaded.

 

Little s*** would then wind up on the ground with the muzzle in his mouth. Only one sentence would need to be said at that point:

 

"If you come near my wife, family, or even so much look at my house again, you'll find yourself here.....again, and next time, I'm pullin' the trigger....

 

Not neccessarily the best way to handle it....but effective none the less.

[THX2000]

I know how I would've handled too......

 

First....Mrs. Moose would get the biggest butt chewin' of her entire life....then I would be next for neglecting my wife and creating an enviroment to allow something like this to happen......

 

Then, the little s*** would have a shadow one day until he's completely alone, (no witnesses)......then appears Moose with his 9MM, cocked and loaded.

 

Little s*** would then wind up on the ground with the muzzle in his mouth. Only one sentence would need to be said at that point:

 

"If you come near my wife, family, or even so much look at my house again, you'll find yourself here.....again, and next time, I'm pullin' the trigger....

 

Not neccessarily the best way to handle it....but effective none the less.

 

I know firsthand the rage that comes from this kind of thing and my situation is much, much worse than yours with respect to how the guy disrespected me. The problem with resorting to violence (and it is taking all of my being to no go and destroy the guy) is the consequences for YOU and YOUR FAMILY if you do it. Yes beating the guy into oblivion will give you the personal satisfaction you crave and moreover deserve. However, the guy will more than likely charge you with assault and then sue you for everything you are worth (and will probably win). I would in your case march right over and interupt this guy and his wife eating their dinner and have him step outside and have a little "chat" about what happened and put him in his place verbally. I can almost guarantee that he will cower and just take it and be thankful to get away with his life. Get inside his comfort zone - nose to nose if possible and remain as calm as possible. If you just start flipping out he will probably just run back inside his house. Once you tell him what's what I doubt you will see him prancing around the neighbourhood anymore if he doesn't move altogether.

[Dan]

Based on the undeniable fact that the "wife" posted "her side" of the story using the exact same words, in the exact same order, and the exact same grammer style, I am closing this thread as well as the other.

 

Don't waste the time of other posters with made up "problems".

 

Thank you.

 

Dan

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