Guest Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 HELP. I am really in a hard spot - and I have no idea where to go for help. So I am hoping some people here have some good advice. Pleeeeaze. I am a 30 year old male, and I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and a monthish. For the past 1-2 months I have been thinking about breaking up with her, and I have no idea why. Well I have one idea, I don't love her. But I don't know why! Background: - We met, had lotsa fun! Dated lots, spent every spare minute together. Things were REALLY great!! - Decided to move-in together - risky, but good timing for each of us, and it seemed natural. Been living together for about 6 mos. Overall, its been Okay. But its had its share bad experiences. Lots of little fights/arguments about stooopid stuff since day one. Typical? The bad: - We have had 2 huge fights in our relationship. The last one, I was very close to leaving her. I didn't because it was so close to the holidays, and I wanted more time to think about it for myself. **I can't stress enough how relationship-ending this fight was. If we were not living together it would have been over in a wink. - Since then, sex has dropped off the face of the earth - now at 1-2 month. I am just not attracted to her. I really just don't want to. - I have never told her I loved her. She asked me about it once; I told her I didn't want to hurt her if things didn't work out. The truth, I have never felt the love as I have with others in my life. - She is not really my type. She is very extroverted, outgoing. Not really a 'thinker', and she doesn't consider herself to be such. She would outwardly tell you so. Its really hard to talk to her about things: movies, books, life. This is one of the biggest things I have been grappling with. - Physically, she is not really my type either. I am not drooling over her. Should I be? I mean, I am no piece of art either, so I try not to make a big deal of this. However its a factor, one I think about a lot. - I am ready to start a family. She is younger, and isn't. I think about this a lot too. The good: - She is a GREAT person!: volunteers, likes art, enjoys everything, reads, great socially, close knit family, works out daily, gobs of friends. She is young and attractive. Excellent, excellent qualities. - She does things for me all the time. Cooking, cleaning, favors - u name it. I don't know if this is really good or bad - I don't really like being coddled. - She is literally up for anything, and enthusiastic about it. She goes flying with me, quadding, river rafting. Its great! Finally a girl that wants to have fun! You know, adventurous and spontaneous! Geez, just typing this makes me feel better, I've had this bottled up for so long. I digress... I am no looker, and I am getting older. I'm like maybe a 7. I am not rich, athletic, or considerably accomplished. I think of myself pretty average as things go. This is where my conflict comes in, I don't really think I can do better than her. Hell, I don't even know if I could ever get a chance to meet another girl that I 'loved' for the rest of my life. Fear is a factor for me. I remember what it was like when I was single. It was pretty lonely. Argh!! Now I am in a relationship and still unsatisfied! Am I pathetic or what!!?! Why do I keep beliving that there is some perferct woman out there waiting just for me!! HELP ME!!!
chillbackpt Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 yo boss listen, it sounds like you are more less having some issues with yourself. If she is the best you think you can get, you are certainly wrong my friend. Heres the difference between men and women, women think most of the time that they are set on one man, and sometimes lack confident in themselves. Men on the other hand, mostly believe that there are a million fish in the sea. You go back and forth a lot, at one point you say that you are not attracted to her, and at the end of it you say that she is attractive with many other great qualities. My best advice to you is to step away, maintain a close friendship with her, and start looking around at whatelse the world has for you. Its not hard to just walk up to a women and say hi, and introduce yourself, you will find someone else. You are 30?? your still young, go out and start meating women, meeting women is a number game, say for every 10 that reject you, one will be interested, feed off that and try it.
lindya Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Right now, you're settling for someone you don't love, and she's settling for someone who doesn't love her. At least you haven't lied about it....but by keeping the relationship going, you're giving her false hope. It sounds like the best thing you can do is knock this on the head, and not maintain a close friendship with her. Carry on with this for much longer, and she'll end up thinking there's something wrong with her - when actually, from the sound of things, she's the sort of girl lots of guys would be happy to be with. She's just not your type, from the sound of things.
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 It sounds like the best thing you can do is knock this on the head, and not maintain a close friendship with her. Yeah, I'm tempted to agree. It sounds like your heart isn't in it. Be sure to build her self-esteem. It isn't because she did something wrong and it isn't because of the fight. It's just lack of compatibility. Don't maintain a close friendship - would give her hope. But don't cut her off completely - would make her worry what she did wrong. I think you should explore a couple of issues of your own though. Learning how to fight fair in relationships is an important skill. I also think you would get some mileage out of thinking about commitmentphobia and overperfectionism in seeking a mate.
lindya Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 I also think you would get some mileage out of thinking about commitmentphobia and overperfectionism in seeking a mate. Very valid point. I guess people sometimes expect from other human beings what they expect in the products they buy. Perfect, shiny, low maintenance and easy to replace when they do wear out or you get tired of them. As per Heres the difference between men and women, women think most of the time that they are set on one man, and sometimes lack confident in themselves. Men on the other hand, mostly believe that there are a million fish in the sea.
JayKay Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 It sounds like you're pulling up all her good points....in an effort to convince yourself you possibly could maybe love her someday. Won't happen. You both sound way too different. A long term relationship needs to be between two highly compatible people who can maintain a friendship, even while the passion waxes and wanes. Do you think she might be feeling the same way? I think it's time to have that 'difficult' conversation with her. Think about it; do you really want to be married and always wonder 'what if'? Given that about 50% of marriages fail, what do you think the odds are of it lasting when you never really loved her in the first place? And 30 is not that old. You have plenty of chances to meet new people if you make an effort
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Very valid point. I guess people sometimes expect from other human beings what they expect in the products they buy. Perfect, shiny, low maintenance and easy to replace when they do wear out or you get tired of them. As per Yup. The good: - She is a GREAT person!: volunteers, likes art, enjoys everything, reads, great socially, close knit family, works out daily, gobs of friends. She is young and attractive. Excellent, excellent qualities. - She does things for me all the time. Cooking, cleaning, favors - u name it. I don't know if this is really good or bad - I don't really like being coddled. - She is literally up for anything, and enthusiastic about it. She goes flying with me, quadding, river rafting. Its great! Finally a girl that wants to have fun! You know, adventurous and spontaneous! Frankly, I'm tempted to think you don't deserve her. A girl like this deserves someone who will appreciate her. But if you don't want her to do favours for you, fair enough. I suppose that's just taste.
blind_otter Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 Agree with the above. Going through the motions makes everyone feel numb and depressed. Once you're out of the cycle you'll prolly breathe a sigh of relief.
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