From the chase, to love, to regret...

[Torn Up]

Hey guys,

 

Been awhile since I cruised through here. Hope everybody is doing well....is on the mend and feeling strong.

 

Well, it's been 3 months since my split with MM and it hasn't been easy. Especially so when I have to see him at work. I have done everything possible to avoid seeing him, but bumping into each other now and then is inevitable.

 

So much has happened in the 3 months of our separation. As if his "game-playing" during the affair wasn't enough, he continues even now. When we first split up, he sent me emails telling me he didn't go back to his wife, but rather, was living in his motorhome next to he and his wife's house. Yeah, right.

 

Then...he claims it got too cold in the motorhome (heater wasn't working), so he HAD to move into the house, but assured me he was sleeping on the couch. Uh-huh, sure.

 

Then he tells me he moved from the couch and into the "spare" bedroom with only a thin mattress, pillow, and my sleeping bag to keep warm while sleeping on the floor. And he expected me to believe this???

 

Then, the wife calls me at work and tells me she wanted to bring me my sleeping bag, of which she did, saying..."It should had been giving back to you WEEKS ago." Weeks? Hmmm...so much for him sleeping on the floor with my sleeping bag, huh? I didn't tell her he claimed that he was using it for warmth. What for? It would have only served to hurt her and she didn't deserve it. In fact, neither one of us deserved the hell and pain he put us through.

 

And during this time, he hand made me a wood rack for my firewood, (as a Christmas present), continued to send emails, continued to carry on how much he hated his life, that he desired to end his marriage, how much he still loved me, and always would...and on and on it went.

 

Never, since the split up, had I asked him for anything, nor did anything to encourage him. Yet, he continued to lead me to believe that he wanted out of the marriage...claiming that he planned to file for a divorce this Spring.

 

The emails between us have been sporadic, and I make sure that mine are free of "romantic" suggestion. Basically, I have attempted to remain civil...trying to take the "high ground" stance on this despite the lies and deep pain he has caused me.

 

Apparently, he is trying to work his marriage out, but for all the wrong reasons. He told me he went back to her because he could not afford to pay the mortgage, the bills, and a place for him to stay. He would also have to pay alimony, and she would be entitled to half his retirement. In other words, she's got him by the financial gonads...and he fears losing his material "goodies." He said he loves her, but is not in love with her nor has he ever.

 

This poor woman has done everything humanly possible to hold on to him. She has lost weight, has bleached her hair the same color as mine, has agreed to take him back although he straight out told her he loves me and wanted to divorce her to be with me...as well as the other affairs he's had during their marriage, and has recently purchased him a $1500 dog because he "wanted it,"....of which he sent me pictures of. I responded with a brief email that the pup was a "cutie" and left it at that.

 

Three days after sending me a pic of the pup, I get an email from him delivered to an old aol account I had (and he knew I no longer had an aol account), from an account he has that he asked I never send email to because it was "not secure," meaning...his wife had access to, saying..."I am trying to get my relationship with (wifes name) back on track and would appreciate it if you didn't send me any more emails."

 

WTF??? He was the one sending the majority of emails...even sent me pics of his new pup 3 days before. And if he really wanted me to get this message, he would have sent it to my new email address, using his account that was accessible to only him.

 

I can't help but think that he did this for her benifit to convince her that he wasn't in love with me, or he has no intention of having a relationship with me, or for whatever reason. But the fact that he sent it to an account he knew I had abandoned tells me that he's back to his sneaky tricks again. She had no idea this account has been dropped by me and that I had a new email address. It also tells me he never thought I'd receive this email. What he didn't know is that I can still access this address through AIM.

 

I sent him an email back, telling him I received his mail and that I was ahead of him in his request, that I had decided a while ago that I wanted no further contact with him. Told him I'd be polite at work, but other than that, I desired no further "dealings" with him. Needless to say, I haven't heard a word from him.

 

I did, however, run into him at work. I quickly looked away and avoided looking at him. In fact, I do everything humanly possible to avoid him. It's just so damn hard, you know?

 

Why, oh why...do they play games?? Why in the hell would he send me an email like that when it was HIM who was initiating the email exchanges??

 

Sorry for my rant. Guess I just needed to bang it out of my keyboard.

 

Never again, people. Never again...

 

~Torn~

[Walking away]

I have said it in another thread, I think it is HIS dysfunction that makes him do the things that he does. Sounds like a man who does not know how to let go of you. I am sorry for your confusion and pain. I, too, am going through a break up with my MM even though he continues to pursue me. I wish I could crawl inside these men's minds to figure them out, but, alas, I cannot nor do I really care to, now that I think about it.

 

Take care, and all of my best to you...

[My_Other_I]

Torn,

later, when you are ready, you will see more of the truth. He is playing both of you. He tells her one thing (damage control) and tells you another (to wet his d*ick). He is an dishonest man who doesn't care about anything but himself and his good.

Keep doing what you are doing. Don't EVER reply to his emails again. NEVER EVER. Ignore him. At work keep doing everything possible to avoid him. He really is no good.

My exMM was doing the same thing. Calling me to let me know that he will call me later with his W listening to tell me not to talk to him. Stupid games. Did he really thing that I would thing it was cool and romantic of him to fool the person he promised to love for the rest of his and her life? Oh yeah, I'm blown away.

Cheaters are just that. CHeaters. They cheat the ones that love them, and they cheat themselves. They don't know love except for the one of themselves.

You need to get out of this situation already! It's been too long! (I've read most of your posts)

[Ladyjane14]

I can't help but think that he did this for her benifit to convince her that he wasn't in love with me, or he has no intention of having a relationship with me, or for whatever reason. But the fact that he sent it to an account he knew I had abandoned tells me that he's back to his sneaky tricks again. She had no idea this account has been dropped by me and that I had a new email address. It also tells me he never thought I'd receive this email. What he didn't know is that I can still access this address through AIM.

 

The 'No Contact Letter' is a commonly used tool in some marriage reconciliation programs. It's designed to help the BS develop trust that the affair has indeed ended, so it's usually something s/he witnesses being mailed.

 

The fact that he sent it to an old e-mail that he didn't think you would see tells you something about his character....or possibly the lack thereof.

I think you most likely read the situation correctly. The MM still seems to be hedging his bets.

 

What a shame that even now this guy can't pull his head out of his hindquarters and have some dignity. I feel sorry for his wife, but hopefully you are feeling a bit more vindicated in your decision to end it with him.

 

I think if it were me...I'd be feeling like I had dodged a bullet right about now.

[Torn Up]

I have said it in another thread, I think it is HIS dysfunction that makes him do the things that he does.

 

No doubt this man is dysfunctional, but what bothers me is the "dysfunction" within MYSELF that allowed my involvement with him. Something that I have always sworn I would never do - to be involved with a married man. Yet...it happened, and here I am. As my name indicates, TORN UP.

 

Damn it...I KNEW better. Yes, he lied to me. Yes, he led me to believe that the marriage was over, that the two of them reached a mutual agreement to part ways, to sell the house and move on with their life. Yes, he led me to believe that she had a boyfriend and said she "finally" fessed up to it.

 

None of that matters, though. He was STILL married, happily or not. And the crazy part of it? As a rule, I am a well adjusted, level-headed woman who can USUALLY employ sound judgement in most situations I am faced with.

 

And it bothers me deeply is that I became easy prey for his BS - nothing more than a "side dish" to satisfy his craving for whatever it was he lacking at home.

 

And by the time I found out the truth...that his wife did NOT agree to a divorce, that she did NOT have a boyfriend, that she DID indeed still love him and had no intention of leaving the marriage...it was too late. I was in love with him.

 

And now...I am dealing with the heartbreak and a whole lotta regrets!

 

But then, there are always consequences for every action, isn't there? And in this case, the price has been steep.

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

My exMM was doing the same thing. Calling me to let me know that he will call me later with his W listening to tell me not to talk to him. Stupid games. Did he really thing that I would thing it was cool and romantic of him to fool the person he promised to love for the rest of his and her life? Oh yeah, I'm blown away.

Cheaters are just that. CHeaters. They cheat the ones that love them, and they cheat themselves. They don't know love except for the one of themselves.

You need to get out of this situation already! It's been too long! (I've read most of your posts)

 

Stupid games is right. But then, isn't this what they're quite skilled at? Games? And don't we now feel foolish for ever falling for it? I know I do. And so will his next victim...and there WILL be another when he figures the dust has settled and she trusts him enough to let him free from the leash she's got a tight clutch on. And really, can you blame her? I mean, I found out later (why is it always later we discover the truth???), that I was affair number FOUR. FOUR!!! And how did I find out? She told me. And still, she stays with him. I honestly can't understand how she can deal with it...knowing that this man has cheated on her not once, not twice, not a third time...but FOUR times. Me? I'd have kicked him to the curb years ago!

 

To be honest, I have gotten out of the situation, or, at least, I've done everything I can to remove myself from it. But it's very hard to heal and move on when I work with him. Yes, I am furious with him...find myself with narrowed eyes when he comes into focus, but I am also VERY hurt. The pain of my affair with him is intense and still weighs heavy on my mind.

 

I honestly feel like the world's biggest fool.

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

The 'No Contact Letter' is a commonly used tool in some marriage reconciliation programs. It's designed to help the BS develop trust that the affair has indeed ended, so it's usually something s/he witnesses being mailed.

 

The fact that he sent it to an old e-mail that he didn't think you would see tells you something about his character....or possibly the lack thereof.

I think you most likely read the situation correctly. The MM still seems to be hedging his bets.

 

What a shame that even now this guy can't pull his head out of his hindquarters and have some dignity. I feel sorry for his wife, but hopefully you are feeling a bit more vindicated in your decision to end it with him.

 

I think if it were me...I'd be feeling like I had dodged a bullet right about now.

 

Lady, thank you so much for this post. As always, you lend sound advice.

 

Yes, I did recognize the letter for what it was just moments after reading it. I know his style of writing, and this letter fell short of it. It seemed strained, lacking his usual free-flowing prose, and was very short - only consisted of 2 sentences - whereas he usually likes to elaborate.

 

Another thing I noticed? Never has he sent me a letter that didn't begin with my name at the top. This one was minus my name. This, along with the facts I had mentioned in my original post (sending it to an address he knew I no longer had), led me to believe that she was most likely sitting right there, watching every word he typed and most likely took delight when he clicked "send." If she knew the truth, that I no longer frequented that address as I have a new one, her "faith" in his "true" intentions would quickly flee her, no doubt.

 

But, as we know, leapords don't change their spots...not as a rule. So yes, I am grateful I dodged this bullet. And as bad as I feel, as painful as this was, and still is, I remind myself quite often that things could be worse...I COULD be married to him!

 

Shudder...

 

~Torn~

[Sami_D]

Torn Up... you're (more or less) out of it, you see it for what it is, and you've learnt a lot from this. You seem to be getting bogged down in the 'negatives' and the regrets of all this. But I think you could look at it another way. Concentrate on what you've learnt ~ about yourself, about others. And see what the positives are of this experience.

 

That's all part of moving on.

[Walking away]

Torn Up,

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I, too, consider myself to be a very healthy emotionally person who is also very strong in all other aspects of my life. Don't beat yourself up about your "dysfunction". He was dishonest with you, as was my MM. We were flawed in believing them perhaps, however, we were never privy to the entire truth of their lives. I, too, stayed after I found out he was married....because I, too, had fallen in love. It is a sad situation, to be sure. But look at it this way....you have the potential to find and love someone wonderful. And look at his life....what does his future hold? I'd say you got the better end of the deal.