Girlfriend never has time for dates on the weekend...do I move on or stick it out???

[future]

I met this really wonderful woman a month or so ago and we get along great but she's always busy with work and never seems to have time to go out on the weekends. I know she's starting a new business and it's time consuming, but how long do you stick around someone who just doesn't find the time to spend with you on the weekends? I mean Friday and Saturday nights sitting around by yourself just sucks so someone tell me how to handle this. I have two options the way I see it, I can either just dump her now and move on or I can continue to wait and hope it gets better. Would it be too much to simply tell her this and see what she says?

[Israfil]

I would tell her that it bothers you, and that you would love to spend more time with her. By her response, you will know which course of action to take.

[Touche]

Usually if you're thinking about "dumping" someone (and I hate that word...so crass!) it usually means you're already going out with them and have a relationship. I may be wrong but it doesn't sound like this is even the case here. How do you "dump" someone you have no relationship with? Just start seeing other people.

[future]

I didn't mean to use "dump" the way you define it in your post. I meant it to simply mean stop seeing them which I probably should have said in the first place. It may be crass but most people know exactly what it means.

[Touche]

Yes, yes. I knew what you meant. I guess my point was that it doesn't sound like you have anything to end. How can you "stop seeing someone" that you're not seeing in the first place?

 

Or am I wrong? Are you seeing her during the week at all? Not clear on that.

[future]

Yes we've had dinner a few times during the week this past month.

[amerikajin]

Here's your bottom line: you're more into the relationship than she is at this point. If you're comfortable with that, stay; if not, move on to someone who's going to put as much effort into the relationship as you.

 

Think carefully about how the dates have been going up to this point, and be honest and objective about it.

 

If you've just been out on a date or two and she flat out refuses to make time on the weekends, her interest level in you is low to non-existent. Move on. A good match will make themselves available for you.

 

If you've been seeing each other on a fairly consistent basis during the week (i.e. at least once a week) and those dates have been really fun, then I would not kick the relationship just yet. Give her another month and see what happens. And then have 'the talk' about where the relationship is going and what you expect out of it.

[Touche]

Having dinner a few times during the month or so that you know her does not a relationship make. Sounds more like a friendship to me. Why not stay friends with her and go out with others? The fact that she won't make time for you on the weekends tells me she's keeping you in the "friend zone."

[future]

Thanks for the advice. A woman I work with talked to me this afternoon and said the same thing that you did but added a few conditions. Her plan went like this, a) just call her once a week, b) just say hello and ask how she's doing, c) do not ask her out, d) wait to see if she asks me out, e) give it a month, and f) if she doesn't want to see me then move on.

[SoleMate]

Hello future -

 

Apparently like others, I'm wondering how you can even call someone your gf if you have only been seeing her for a month and she barely has time for you. There just isn't much relationship there. As someone said in another thread, a relationship is built up by a pattern - of spending time together, and of meeting each other's most important emotional needs (for essential things like sex and recreation).

 

It is true that a new business is INCREDIBLY time consuming. If she were actually your gf, you would probably be spending time with her on the weekends, helping her with her business and enjoying her companionship.

 

I like amerikajin's advice. Just remember, if you "dump" someone and they don't even notice that it has taken place, they were not in a r/s with you.

[future]

Trust me I've wondered whether the term girlfriend would apply myself. I don't want to put the cart before the horse, but I have been helping her with her business, working with her relatives on projects, etc. That's why I decided to post something because I'm confused as to what I should or shouldn't do at this point. I mean we can argue endlessly what is or is not a relationship but what I really would like to hear is constructive criticism. Let someone else worry about defining relationships for another day.

[future]

I'm very anxious about the situation after going through a divorce two years ago.

[amerikajin]

Trust me I've wondered whether the term girlfriend would apply myself. I don't want to put the cart before the horse, but I have been helping her with her business, working with her relatives on projects, etc. That's why I decided to post something because I'm confused as to what I should or shouldn't do at this point. I mean we can argue endlessly what is or is not a relationship but what I really would like to hear is constructive criticism. Let someone else worry about defining relationships for another day.

 

As with every other story posted here, I don't know the full story, but I'd say the following:

 

1) Don't be so eager to help her with her business. You may not see it this way but she's going to interpret your 'help' as you going the extra mile and pushing hard for a relationship - women don't like it when men push so early in a relationship.

 

2) There's a difference between having a relationship with someone and having a girlfriend. You go out once or twice and maybe you're building a relationship...but she's definitely not thinking that she's your girlfriend. You're just getting to know each other. If she's not even giving you her weekends (basically her prime time slot), then you're a long way off from being a couple.

 

As I said, you're more into this relationship than she is. I guess it depends on what you want but if you want this to work, my advice is to back off a little and be very patient - call once a week, set up a date once a week, no more or no more less. And while I don't want to dash any hopes you may have (it may very well work out) you should at least be prepared for rejection in the end...and don't try to talk her out of it if you do get rejected. While you're on your dates, just try to have fun...maybe think of her more as a friend that you're dating 'cause you've got nothing better to do on that given night than someone you want as your girlfriend. And finally, ask yourself why you really want her in the first place, and ask yourself if she's really 'all that'.

[pippen_2k]

I met this really wonderful woman a month or so ago and we get along great but she's always busy with work and never seems to have time to go out on the weekends. I know she's starting a new business and it's time consuming, but how long do you stick around someone who just doesn't find the time to spend with you on the weekends? I mean Friday and Saturday nights sitting around by yourself just sucks so someone tell me how to handle this. I have two options the way I see it, I can either just dump her now and move on or I can continue to wait and hope it gets better. Would it be too much to simply tell her this and see what she says?

 

hmmm I wouldnt be jumping to conclusions just yet, and I too would give it a little time before I said anything.

 

But no one said you have to be sitting at home by yourself on a Friday and Saturday night. Surely you have other friends and other things to do.

 

What were you doing before you met her?

 

I say just play it cool and let her instigate things. But if you are already emotionally attached to this chick this may not be an option.

[future]

Thanks everyone for setting me straight. I've got dinner plans with a different woman this week after reading everyone's comments. Thanks again.

[SoleMate]

Congrats on the dinner plans. Dr. Willard Harlkey says that is you are looking for a lasting r/s, you should date at least 30 women so that you have a statistical certainty of meeting at least one where you both trip each other's triggers.

 

It won't hurt you with the first business woman, for her to know or suspect that you do have other options.

[future]

Solemate,

I'm going to assume that I shouldn't even say anything to the first woman about seeing someone else, right?

[Touche]

I wouldn't try to hide it but I wouldn't try to flaunt it in her face either. If she asks, don't lie.

[ShopStAr101]

i would wait man

[amerikajin]

No, don't say a peep...but at the same time don't feel guilty about dating someone else if you feel that this woman isn't taking you seriously.

 

Some say you should date several women at once. I tried that but I just found I couldn't take any of them seriously and I get seriously lazy in terms of my game. I need a little uncertainty.

[future]

Not a peep and no guilt. My cousin, a divorce attorney in NY never stopped reminding me during my own divorce, "all's fair in love and war..."

[amerikajin]

If you don't have a commitment, I would agree with that. I think you honor commitments, but outside of that, your cousin's damn straight up right.

[future]

Well the woman I originally posted about found time and intimacy for us this weekend. We didn't talk about any commitments or anything between us but I don't know what to do about even talking to the other woman I had gone out with a couple of times. Since there's intimacy in the picture now how should I proceed? I don't want to make any mistakes at this point in time. And since there's been intimacy how does that change the relationship now?

[reservoirdog1]

It definitely doesn't change things in this day and age. The mere fact that you two have slept together doesn't make you exclusive. In my case, sometimes sex happens on date #2 or #3. And there's no way I'd consider myself to be in a "relationship" with either woman at that early stage.

 

There are those who say that, until you've had "The Talk", you're completely free to date (and sleep with) anybody you want. Personally, I don't tend to play it that extreme... I sort of gauge for myself when I'll stop looking to date other women. I prefer to concentrate on one woman at a time.

 

Honestly though, I think you're doing two things wrong:

 

1) Overthinking. I know you don't want to "make mistakes", but dating is supposed to be fun. If you make any "mistake" in the process that isn't something both of you can ultimately just laugh off, then she may well not be the right woman for you.

 

2) Making yourself too available. At this stage, you shouldn't be sitting home on a Friday night if she's too busy. Plus, you've been dating a month and you're already helping out her relatives with things? Wrong. You're treading dangerously close to "friends" territory, somebody who's ready to drop everything and be with her. You need to stop calling her as often, get busy doing other things, seeing other friends, and basically give her the opportunity to "miss you."

 

There's nothing in the above that I haven't been guilty of myself. It's taken me a few experiences to realize the error of my ways.

 

Here's a good test: if you can assess the current situation and say to yourself, "man, I am SO her b*tch", then you're doing something wrong. Sounds simplistic, but it's true.

[future]

Well, my patience got the best of me tonight. I got an email from her laying out "her" plans for the weekend and the work week. Guess what? I wasn't involved in any of her weekend plans but I could pick any night Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday to see her. So, I simply asked her if she was looking for a casual relationship or something more serious. She didn't answer the question but proceeded to lay it on thick about how hard she's been working to make it work with me. I just told her that I just wanted to know what she was wanting and she couldn't even tell me that. You win some and you lose some....