DreamalittleDream Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 First time here I will get right to the point...H had an "emotional" affair, denies ANY physical contact, (says he wasnt even alone with her, his coworker) and it was not about the sex he says. Not sure if I believe him. Anyway, I threatened to tell the OW husband. H is mad, tells me not to. Lets work on our marriage, not mess up anyone elses he keeps saying. I have threatened on many occasions to tell, because I was MAD and HURT. Now I say that I will not tell, but if I found even ONE email, phone call, text message, or IM I would personally drive to their house and tell him. So, married OW here is my question. When this happens, are you afraid? Is there enough fear in you that you would stop all contact with your MM? Is the fear of your husband finding out enough to make you drop your married man? Do I have ball in my court or am I just fooling myself? Any opinions welcomed. Thank You.
scarletletter Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 In my own situation I would say no...the fear of husband finding out would not make me stop. Mainly because my marriage is basically over anyway...just technical stuff to work out yet. I don't know for sure what an emotional affair is exactly. Is it just talking and communicating or something deeper? If your husband is serious about you two working on your marriage, I would just let it go before it gets any uglier. On the other hand, I would want to know that there was absolutely not going to be any more contact between the two of them. How will you know this for sure?
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I think your husband better confess whatever happened between him and the OW, make things right with you and work his tail off by going to marriage counselling. Together you two can fix the marriage. I'm not saying there was something wrong - But it does seem he liked the attention the OW gave him, maybe some of his needs weren't being met at home. Still, that doesn't give him the right to go outside the marriage. Also, you are doing the right thing. If he contacts her, or if she contacts him, then I think going to the OW's husband is a good idea. It will definately STOP whatever it is or was between them quickly, and it will prevent an A from ever happening between them. Question, does the OW know that you know about them? If not, then she should be made fully aware of the consquences if she tries to pursue your husband.
curly Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I can understand where you're coming from... but, I believe your approach is a bit off. Telling the OW's H will not accomplish your goal. It will only create additional problems. You have no way of knowing what type of relationship the other couple has. What are you trying to accomplish? Presumably, you're trying to save your marriage. Pulling other's in to fix what's wrong, is exactly what your husband did in the first place. You have to fix it from the inside. As for your question... I was the OW. exMM moved in with me 3 times.. He's allegedly still out of the house but it did not work out with he & I. Also, I'm not married but was dating someone seriously when she found out. She never confronted me except when she called but didn't leave a message. But I truly loved my MM, nothing would have stopped me. Making threats to your H just seems aggressive and desperate. You should go to counseling together to find out why he looked outside your marriage for emotions or justification. You never know.. this situation may be the best thing that ever happened for your marriage. I wish you luck.
newbby Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 you sound as though you are looking for a guarantee that the a will not continue. i am not sure that you will get this reassurance, from how good your threats are, because it is about trusting him, rather than keeping him away from temptation, or rather temptation away from him. it seems to me, that it would be more reassuring to know that it doesnt matter if she contacts him or not, because he wont respond. there will always be women around. you need to know that it doesnt matter, because your h is 100% dedicated to your marriage and working through these problems. are you going to m counselling?
kpin124 Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 no i would say that i am not affraid of that happening.... me and my om have an "agreement" that we will never give the other person up that it isn't worth it to destroy the other family..... now i know alot of you will probably tell me that is foolish to believe that but for some reason i do and i would never give him up to my husband if my husband found out i was having an affair.... the only way my h would find out who is by catching us in the act and i don't forsee that happening since we meet 2 hours away from our homes! so no i am not affraid and no it wouldn't be enough to stop me from having the affair with my omm.....
CeeJayXXX Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I am an OW....have been for three years..... (Without harshness, but being truthful)...Would I care if you told my husband just to get back at yours.....NO..... If you believe that at some point your H and the OW havent discussed emergency procedures, you are fooling yourself..... Affairs dont turn a blind eye to the other (wiser) half of the relationship....They have discussed what to say or do.... they (more than likely) have figured out a new way to deal with their relationship.... Men dont walk away that easily, and women don't give up that quick... He's playing games with you....Talk about have your cake and eat it too?...You know he has an "emotional" affair (Im not quite sure how someone can actually put that kind of a name on it. An affair is an affair and where there is a will there is a way...and they had the will...and found the way to be together at some point.)... Now that you know, he just needs to rethink his play...
kpin124 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I If you believe that at some point your H and the OW havent discussed emergency procedures, you are fooling yourself..... Affairs dont turn a blind eye to the other (wiser) half of the relationship....They have discussed what to say or do.... they (more than likely) have figured out a new way to deal with their relationship.... Men dont walk away that easily, and women don't give up that quick... I totaly agree with you on this..... being the ow i know that my mm and i have figured out what we are going to say if it ever comes up.... it is kind of funny because you still want to protect your family and that is why i think we have figured out what to say... i really think if my mm wife found out he would still find a way to see me i don't think it would end that quickly..... and i guess i would say i wouldn't give up that quickly....
cal gal Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 If you think you won't get caught just because you take the act two hours away, think again! There are spouses smart enough to hire a PI - believe it or not....
kpin124 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 i now that some spouses will hire a PI........... i would be more worried about my h hiring a PI than his w....... that still doesn't make me afraid if i get caught i will deal with it. people make mistakes and i know this is one of them i am just not done making it yet!
Naive Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 When this happens, are you afraid? Is there enough fear in you that you would stop all contact with your MM? Is the fear of your husband finding out enough to make you drop your married man? Do I have ball in my court or am I just fooling myself? Any opinions welcomed. Thank You. I am not in this position but I do want to give my opinion. I really think that it depends on the person. If it's someone that is just waiting around for the right opportunity to leave OR plain and simple, does not care, they will not feel threatened. Now, if it's someone somewhat cares about their H (I say somewhat because you cannot completely care for someone and cheat on them) they will definitely feel scared and may drop the OM completely OR they will drop him for a while and then when they think it's safe continue their relationship, but more discretely. You also have to think to yourself, what about if my husband is the one that has been after her? You cannot just go break a marriage that might be okay, just because! Also, what if by you telling the OW's husband he leaves her and she runs to your husband for comfort? I think you should worry about handling business with your husband and leave the OW alone. That is just MY opinion.
cal gal Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 i now that some spouses will hire a PI........... i would be more worried about my h hiring a PI than his w....... that still doesn't make me afraid if i get caught i will deal with it. people make mistakes and i know this is one of them i am just not done making it yet! Wow - your husband is so lucky to have such a gem like you (note the sarcasm?) Do HIM a favor and let him free to be with someone that will love snd respect him!
Recommended Posts