boshemia Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 In the self esteem department I've come a long way, I can accept myself pretty much as I am, and still accept that I have some things I need to change. I still know all about low self-esteem. I lived there for a long, long time...and I really don't even intend to go back. However, my husband made a comment during a disagreement the other night that has me thinking. He looked at me and said, "You have such low self esteem that you think everything was meant to hurt you." I'm not sure wht to make of that comment, I really do feel like I have a pretty healthy self-esteem. I doubt myself now and then, but for the most part I'm really just okay with being me. But in a way he's right... maybe... I've quit several jobs because of lack of appreciation. I'm a hard worker, I try to step above and beyond what's expected of me. I take work home and don't ask for pay you know? When the supervisor failed to recognize me for the work. Promoted someone else over me, or in some other way didn't seem to notice, I quit... My relationships with my family are good at times, but strained. I'm almost positive that they all love me, but most of them don't like me. It's the way they all ignore me when I talk, or make comments about how hard everyone else works in the family business when I feel like I am doing most of the work, and not getting paid. I feel like they expect so much more of me than they do anyone else. I try to work harder so they'll notice but they don't even see me. The only things anybody ever seems to notice me is when I mess up. They criticize but don't compliment. I feel like most of the time I am invisible. There is one time I don't, and that is when I'm working with the kids. I volunteer a lot of my time working with local youth groups. The kids say thank you, they make me presents, hug me when they see me on the streets. I like that feeling... I want that feeling at home too, from my husband, from my own mother. I want them to notice too. I know it's just small things I want, I'm not a diamond ring or fancy car kind of girl. I'm relatively easy to please, just say thank you, just tell me you notice how hard I work. Ok, so I might be crazy, it might be self-esteem... I don' know. I might just be missing the good stuff because I'm always focused on the bad. I might still have low self-esteem and not realize it. Maybe it just changed forms. What do you think?
Author boshemia Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 The reason I'm thinking about all of this is because I have been having health problems. I've had them for a long long time, they've just been getting worse. They suspect fibromyalgia or something similar. I don't want to push it to hard with anyone because I don't want them to think I'm faking, but it hurts. I'm getting worse and worse and that scares me. I'm so independent that the thought of having to depend on someone terrifies me. I mean actually trust them to meet all of my needs? I've never really been this scared. Because of these problems I am realizing I can't keep trying to please everyone. It could literally take away the most important thing in my life. The ability to say "I did it" In order to make that possible I have to start saying NO to the people who don't matter and focus on the things that do. I need to keep working with the kids, because that makes me happy. Things like battling with the neighbors for five years to the point of false attempted murder charges being investigated against me. Things like fighting with the other leaders in the youth group over petty gripes, trying to get a serial rapist charged only to find out that the cops and everyone else are much less concerned with saving the world as I am... They won't even file 12 reports... one of which is mine. Yeah... stress.. I have a lot of that. But if I can't do anything about them, maybe I can't do anything to convince my family that I'm not the hellspawn child anymore. I've changed, I've grown up, and I've become a good person with a good heart. I can't convince my husband that I have an IQ of 130, so when I say the car won't start he doesn't need to ask me if it's out of gas. I'm pretty sure I've already considered that option. Maybe I can't change those things either... So maybe I just need to let them go too? I've never been one to worry too much about me, if someone else needed something I had I gladly gave it. I might not have much health left... I can't afford to waste it on anyone that isn't going to appreciate it... Am I crazy???
Outcast Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 You will continue to be miserable in various aspects of your life because you expect too much. You seem very needy - to the point that if you don't feel 'appreciated' at work, you leave. Well, life is just not that way. People don't get that much appreciation as a rule and they certainly don't dish much out. It's much healthier to approach life in a spirit of giving rather than going about with your hat out begging for people to fill it with coins and goodies. Nor ought you run yourself into the ground in an attempt to get appreciation. It won't happen and, as you'll find, you end up sick and stressed. Fibromyalgia is thought to be connected to stress in some folks. You need to change your attitude entirely from 'pleeease give to me' to 'what can I give to you - in NO expectation of return?'. It is unrealistic to expect life to be otherwise. I highly recommend you read some books by Albert Ellis. Here is what Dr. Albert Ellis said about expectations: I also had a great many sex and love cases where people were absolutely devastated when somebody with whom they were compulsively in love didn't love them back. They were killing themselves with anxiety and depression. They were telling themselves, "I absolutely must be loved by the person I love or I am no good as a person." And I started pointing out their irrational demands and disputing their shoulds and musts, and some of them got remarkably better quite quickly. RE: What's an irrational belief, and how can it interfere with our normal functioning? AE: If something is irrational, that means it won't work. It's usually unrealistic. People are terrified of other people or difficult projects because they tell themselves that they could fail or be rejected. Failure can lead to sorrow, regret, frustration and annoyance--all healthy, negative feelings without which people couldn't exist. But then they add, "I absolutely must succeed and must be loved by significant persons, and if I don't, it's terrible and I'm no good." Those are irrational beliefs. As long as people keep them, they'll be terrified of life and will put themselves down when they get rejected. the prince of reason - psychotherapist Albert Ellis - Interview Psychology Today, Jan, 2001 by Robert Epstein It will do you no end of good to lose the expectation that others will appreciate you because you'll cease being so sad when it doesn't happen.
Curmudgeon Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 is that if you have no expectations you can never be disappointed. Feeling good about yourself and what you know you've accomplished, your own personal work ethic and comfort in your professionalism should be all the reward that's necessary for doing a good job. It all boils down to being your own best friend.
Author boshemia Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 So I really am being selfish? That's what confused me, I suppose because I'm not as needy as I used to be. I can see a big change from ten, even five years ago. I don't demand excessive rewards, I just want someone to approve. For the most part I do enjoy it, I enjoy the things I do to help other people out. I usually don't expect anything in return, and never consider that the person owes me. I really have come a long way. But I guess I still have a long way to go. I am highly sensitive to criticism... this much is clear. Not sure how to get over that one... just stop trying to take it personally? I suppose I never considered the option that I just stifled it some, but somewhere deep down it's still there... Thanks guys... some people don't respond real well to honesty, and sometimes that makes it hard to post what you really think on message boards. I appreciate it though... truly thanks...
cal gal Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 is that if you have no expectations you can never be disappointed. Feeling good about yourself and what you know you've accomplished, your own personal work ethic and comfort in your professionalism should be all the reward that's necessary for doing a good job. It all boils down to being your own best friend. Curm: You always have the greatest things to say, and I love reading your posts. You are a wise man.
Curmudgeon Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Well, thank you, Neighbor. Not wise. Just old. Have had the best and the worst of relationships and have been working a loooooong time!
Author boshemia Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 Okay, so I thought about it for a day and I'm a bit confused. I'm not saying I'm not being selfish... I'll accept that, and that I can fix. but at the same time. What do I do about everyone elses expectations? That's what I can't figure out. I can lower my own expectations, I can meet as many of my needs as possible, I aready do. My husband expects a lot from me, a lot more than I can physically or emotionally give right now. So like I said, I do have a low self esteem, and I do want some kind of appreciation. However, there is a definite door mat quality to my life as well. I don't know how to say no. I mean to, but I find myself nodding yes, commiting to a job for no pay. A marriage with no love, a volunteer position that takes up all of my time... If people appreciated it I don't guess I would mind, but the more I give the more they want. That's why I like working with the kids, they are so sincere. They love me, and I love them. My volunteer time with them is not a job... and I think if I could make it pay somehow I would be truly in heaven. I'm not a money motivated person, as long as bills are paid I'm generally happy. My husband however is money motivated... He doesn't understand all the time I devote to the kids. Time I take away from him... He doesn't appreciate what I do for him either, it's never enough. I didn't argue when he decided to seperate the money, we have our own accounts. He keeps his money I keep mine. He makes about 4 times what I do, and I pay whatever bills I can. But $900 only goes so far. He gets cranky when the bills don't get paid, and he gets cranky when I ask him for money. When he gets cranky I can't stand it. He goes days without speaking to me, dirty looks are the only form of communication I dare accept. Talking leads to fighting, which leads to me crying and sleeping on the couch. I didn't fight with my family when my little business venture grew, pretty soon it was making more money than the rest of the store combined. Then they decided to fold it into the business and we were going to "split" the profits. I have never seen a dime of profits in two years. I wouldn't have minded, I really didn't care about the money. But when they kept asking for more from me I finally just gave up. If there's no money, no appreciation... only more expectations there is no reason to do it is there? I still help when they need me, but 40 hours plus a week??? I just can't do it for nothing anymore. So I read your responses and understood them, accepted them... but then I got scared. If I lower my expectations then there is nothing left. I already let my family walk all over me... Does that make sense. I'm already a door mat, I already went three years on foot while my husband not only drove a new truck, and just bought his third dirtbike. I let him split of the checking accounts and still try to pay all of the bills on my $900 a month. He makes four times that much, but I hate to ask... So where do you draw the line between my expectations and theirs... between being a volunteer and being a doormat. I need to go to counseling, I know I do but my husband refuses to spend the money, we need it for other things. Yes, I'm doing it for approval, and I could quit doing it... but if I stand up for myself it will get really nasty. My family doesn't play nice... they play hard ball. If I piss one of them off the war will start, my mother will go to all of them and get them all mad at me... So lowering expectations is acceptable I don't have that many, but does that mean I have to keep being a doormat?
Outcast Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 My husband expects a lot from me, a lot more than I can physically or emotionally give right now. You should be able to have a discussion with him in which you two tackle the problem as a team and negotiate a solution satisfactory to both. If that can't be done, it's time to involve a counsellor. I didn't fight with my family when my little business venture grew, pretty soon it was making more money than the rest of the store combined. Then they decided to fold it into the business and we were going to "split" the profits. You know this now but that was a huge mistake. Trust nobody when it comes to money. Sadly, family can be the absolute worst in these matters. Should you ever again come up with an idea for a lucrative venture, only involve people on the strength of proper legal documents. He gets cranky when the bills don't get paid, and he gets cranky when I ask him for money. When he gets cranky I can't stand it. He goes days without speaking to me, dirty looks are the only form of communication I dare accept. Talking leads to fighting, which leads to me crying and sleeping on the couch. I already went three years on foot while my husband not only drove a new truck, and just bought his third dirtbike. I let him split of the checking accounts and still try to pay all of the bills on my $900 a month. He makes four times that much, but I hate to ask... I need to go to counseling, I know I do but my husband refuses to spend the money, we need it for other things. Now you're telling more of the story it does seem as though you are being walked on. However, it seems you allowed people to walk all over you before so they've become accustomed to it. So you have two options - keep taking it or put your foot down and say 'enough - I need counselling more than you need a dirt bike and I WILL go to counselling' to that husband. Tell him that you allowed him to treat you unfairly too long and that this has to change NOW. Yes, he'll be upset and mad but you are sacrificing your own health to not make him mad which is craziness. If he doesn't like it, he can leave and pay you support. My family doesn't play nice... they play hard ball. If I piss one of them off the war will start, my mother will go to all of them and get them all mad at me... Why, exactly, do you think that it's ok for them to make you mad and/or upset you but somehow not for you to do the same back? It's one thing to be considerate of the feelings of people who are considerate of you and quite another to allow boors to stomp you into the ground. Now, some people's 'boor radar' is tuned 'way too high but it sounds like yours is not. So too bad if the family's mad. Get a lawyer and sue the buggers for your profits and then pay for a counsellor to help you extricate yourself from this mess. I still think your expectations in the work world are too high - promotions, praise, etc. won't always come your way when you think they ought but when it comes to your family, you stay and take it. You need to change strategies - tolerate more from your workplace and much less from the family.
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 The thing is, you don't NEED anybody else's approval. There's a big difference in wanting to feel appreciated and needing approval. Most of this stuff comes within. You've gotten some really good advice. I like what curm has said, expect nothing that way you don't get disappointed. Once you "expect" something or put demands on someone you'll always feel letdown abit as they probably won't meet your expectation level... Remember, what counts is what YOU think and feel inside, not what anybody else does.
phyrespryte Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I have to agree with Outcast...that it seems that you're allowing people to walk all over you. One question, the jobs that you left...did you ever communicate that you wanted a promotion? Did you ever discuss with anyone that you deserved a raise? In my experience that the more vocal people get promotions and raises not always the more deserving.
Walk Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 OMG, you sound just like me.... I think I've gotten better at saying no to people, and it has helped immensely. Not only am I happier with my life, but I'm not putting 300% into something that no one's going to appreciate anyway. You've got to set boundaries, and stick to them. I did that with my last job. I was doing two peoples jobs, mine and the person above me, I'd just broken my back and arm that week, was in the process of a divorce, and my boss told me I couldn't take any time off work except for lunch between 12:00 and 1:00. Unless there was still work to do, in which case he felt I should eat lunch at the office. I blew up. Let him know that was not an option, and defined my boundaries. I explained I would do all that I could, but his expectations were highly unreasonable, and I was not going to, nor able to, meet them. It worked. I was able to take time off for dr's appointments, he got the other departments to help me when work became too much. Without his help, I couldnt' get the others to help me. But first, I had to stand up for my rights. He would've railroaded me into working 50 hour weeks with no overtime, with a broken back and arm and life in tatters, if I had let him. The hardest person to re-define boundaries with is your SO. They will fight you the hardest and longest on this. They want you to continue doing everything you do for them with no complaints. They are the ones being selfish. Not you. But you HAVE TO stand up for yourself. You have just as much right as the next person to have your boundaries respected. You are not invisible, but people don't respect you. You have to earn that respect. You have to fight for it, and you can't waiver in this. When you say no. Mean no. When you feel like your getting shafted on something, do something about it. You sound like a wonderful person, and very strong. Use that strength to benefit you right now, instead of every one else. I had to get a divorce in order for my SO to understood I was serious about my boundaries. I'd given him everything I had for 9 years. He did not want that to change and fought me with everything he had. In the end, I had a choice. Face the unknown alone, or stay with a man who expected me to pay for everything, bust my azz to make him happy, but who couldn't be bothered to even get me a valentines day card. I have as much right as the next person to live, and I WILL NOT have someone tell me I'm screwed up for asking them to respect my boundaries. You only have one life. You have a choice right now to continue being who you were, or to fight for the life you want. Nothing worthwhile is ever just handed out.
Author boshemia Posted February 13, 2006 Author Posted February 13, 2006 In most cases I offered to help. I do it without really thinking about what is in it for me. I just want to help, but then it becomes expected, even demanded. For example... Recently I sold an item on Ebay for someone my commission was nearly $2500. I gave $2000 of it to my Grandmother to help her with legal fees to settle an ongoing dispute. My mother split the reamining $500 between us. I didn't argue since I had in essence given the money away. Now the legal issues are settled, and my Grandmother says she's giving back the $2000 retainer. My Mom is talking about what she is going to do with her half... That money was for my Grandmother and I want it to stay with her... it was her money and I refuse to take it back. Since the family business opened up I have walked in on several conversations like when one of them came for a visit and was rubbing my Mom's back... "You need to take a break and let HER (meaning me) do some of the work..." implying that I have obviously done none of it. I found the building, scraped the floors, painted until midnight and it still wasn't enough. Mom played video games. This family member is one of the sweetest and most caring in the family next to my Grandmother and that's what hurts so bad... The other day Mom was reading me an email from the same member of the family... I looked over her shoulder and caught " I hope she is helping out more" on the screen... I haven't helped full time since July or so... excuses aside I'm being a brat. I refuse to work there for no pay, no gratitude, and still hear the family talk about how I need to do more... It seems like my mom is talking crap about me... but I'm not sure. So that's the job I am walking away from for lack of recognition. I want to walk away totally... but I can't. My Grandmother is everything to me. This is the same reason I can't stand up to them. When we fight it hurts Grandma, her health is already failing, so I don't dare stir things up. Once on Thanksgiving my mom and I got into a fight, I walked away rather than fight. My husband stayed behind, he said my mother systematically went to each member of the family present and told them her side, and why I was wrong. He was so mad he had to leave too. When I got back a few of them took me aside and talked to me. They were all upset with my mother and I for upsetting Grandma. They said I just have to accept my mother as she is, and know that she isn't going to change. I was the one who walked away... but it still upset Grandma, and I was still to blame. So if I stand up, I risk having the whole family come down on me. But if I shun them totally, I risk hurting Grandma... Grandma on the other hand doesn't know what is going on... we all do our best to keep it from her. Grandma keeps saying Mom can't do it all on her own. Last week I finally did go to Grandma and explain why I wasn't helping out more. She was really hurt that I felt that way... she says the store isn't making any money, and no one is getting paid. I feel guilty for not being able to go back... she said she always appreciates what I do, and of course that she doesn't NEED to be taken care of... lol... she's the most stubborn woman I've ever met and sometimes I think she'll outlive all of us. I love her and I WANT to take care of her... I'm just not sure why I should continue taking care of everyone else when nobody notices, nobody appreciates it and the more I give the more they want... :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: So maybe my expectations in the work world are too high, but at the same time I seem to get myself into it on my own don't I? I offer to do the work, and then someone else gets the credit. I have ADHD in a bad way, and a lot of times I don't think before I act. I commit to a job without discussing the details in advance. I just say sure, I'll do it... it's not until later that I realize that I somehow got myself into a huge job with nothing to show for it. So have I ever talked to my family straight forward? I'm silly, not stupid... lol
Author boshemia Posted February 14, 2006 Author Posted February 14, 2006 Hey, I tried to PM you, but it said I didn't have permission... I just wanted to say thank you for your post and.... :love: :love: Happy Valentine's Day... :love: :love:
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