Breaking Up (a Long Distance Relationship)

[leopardprint]

Ok, I'm posting this here only because it's less about the LDR and more about the break up.

 

I'm new to the forums, but I've been reading them for quite sometime now. I just have no one to turn to right now and I feel so incredibly lost and sick and I just FEEL like I have to talk to someone or just get this out of my system.

 

My LDR boyfriend just broke up with me, 4 days before Valentine's Day, and after a nearly two year relationship.

 

He lives in Arizona and I live in NYC, and it was never really a problem. We talked on the phone every day for HOURS, and webcamed while we were on the phone almost always. We played online video games together all the time, and, being as though we're both artists, drew for eachother on cam all the time as well. Last year we visited each other almost every 3-4weeks, and would even spend time visiting each others families. When we were together, everything was amazing. My friends adored him and always asked when he was coming to come up again because they loved hanging out with him. The sex was great. We went to see movies, broadway shows, museums, and just slept in and hung out with each other ALL day. I even spent 3 weeks during this Christmas with him and his entire family in Disney Land (CA), and two Thanksgiving's ago, he came and met my entire family in NY.

 

Everything was going well. We were each others best friend, and he even wants to purpose to me, but since we were so far away from each other, got me a promise ring - a "pre" engagement ring, if you will - as a promise that one day we'd end up together.

 

Towards last March, things started getting a little hectic. The romance started lessening and we started to argue about the future a bit. We broke up in April for about a month or so, and soon got back together. Things were a lot better and we spent the end of the summer together.

 

September rolled along, and with him going to a new school and starting a new career, things took a sharp, FAST dive downwards. Everything we had planned about moving in with each other had changed. He could no longer come up and see me, and he wasn't sure where he was going to end up (this new school sort of places you into a job wherever there's an opening). He even started to say things like he did NOT want to move to NY anymore (which was never MY idea, it was HIS). I felt like he was lossing interest in me, and I was scared he was going to leave me. We would argue constantly; me complaining he wasn't making enough time for me, that he didn't really love me anymore, and that I didn't feel loves, and him arguing that he did and he's just tired and busy and he doesn't know what's going to happen anymore.

 

Needless to say we took a break. I was devistated. But after about two months he called me, so sweatly, telling me he didn't want to be away from me and he loved me and wanted to be with me and have our future together.

 

About a month later it was Christmas, and he invited me to come to Arizona and go on a road trip with him and his family to California. I was there for 3 weeks. I've always LOVED his family, and always dreamed of finally being apart of it. They were always SO incredibly sweat to me, and his parents treated me as if I were their own daughter.

 

Skip to three days ago; we had (what I thought) to be a small arguement about how things are currently going. I said I felt like he was becoming uninterested in me and was fearful of what these next 6 months were going to hold. Things got intense, and the next thing I know, he starts crying a little and says, "No... I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry but I think this is it."

 

It was like someone slapped me so hard my head did a complete 360. I had no idea this was coming. I thought things were going sort of better. We were laughing and joking around earlier that day; more so then we usually do. I had just bought all his V-Day gifts, and finally finished a painting was I doing in the studio of us that very evening. I thought we were going to see each other for V-day as well. I was so looking forward to it.

 

I started crying uncontrollably and so did he. I begged him (how pathetic), apologized over and over again, lashed out at him for doing so, then begged and pleaded and apologized again. He told me he didn't want to be hurt anymore. He said he felt like all he does is try and try and I'm never satisfied. He said he's emotionally drained and he just can't open up to me because everytime I get hurt and blame it on him. He felt like he was never good enough.

 

I was speechless. All I do is brag about how amazing this kid is to EVERYONE. - CONSTANTLY. I mean, I'm painting huge oil paintings of the kid. I love him more than life itself and would tell him all the time. I told him over and over again it wasn't like that, and I appericate him and his love and friendship more then anyone I've ever known. I understand where I went wrong and I begged - I swore I was sorry and I was sorry I never thought what I was saying or doing through. I just CAN'T lose him. He's the only one I ever talk to, confine in, trust, and look up to. He was everything and I don't know how to live without all of that. I just want to be good to him - I always used to write in my journal about how I just wanted to be someone he could be proud of; to show him I loved and cared, supported and would always be there for him. I feel like I failed miserably and let him down. Crushed him. I feel like I could never forgive myself unless he did. I feel like the lowest, worst, disgusting person on the face of the earth.

 

I have no idea what to do or say. I feel like this is the end and there's nothing I can do. I feel like I've lost everything in one moment. It feels so surreal; like I'm going to wake up any second and it will be Valentine's Day and we'll be together and everything will be fine. It just happened so fast. I don't have any friends up here to speak to and I feel so helpless and alone. I can't stand listening to myself cry. I can't stop thinking of all our memories, of never seeing him again, of lossing his family who I fell inlove with as well.

 

He just kept saying he didn't know what to think or do anymore. He kept saying he didn't want to be hurt anymore. He said he loved me and wants to be with me but he just CAN'T deal with the stress of this relationship right now. He said he didn't want to lose me, and wanted to still talk to me; still be best friends, but I was so selfish and hurt I told him no, it wouldn't be fair to me, who still wants to be with him and still yerns for him. So after almost two straight days of being on the phone, crying to each other, I hung up.

 

I have no idea what to do or where to turn to. I feel so utterly lost, broken, and ashamed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cliff Notes: Long distance relationship for two years. Were best friends and lovers. Planned on being married. Breaks up with me after an arguement about future plans. Sobbing and weeping uncontrollably, wants me to still be his friend because he doesn't want to lose me, he still loves and cares about me, but says, "I just can't handle the stress of a relationship right now". I'm lost, alone, and devistated, and can't stop crying. I feel worthless and like I never truely respected him. What now?

[leopardprint]

Is anyone out there tonight?

[Blue in Texas]

Leopardprint. I feel so bad for you. The first few days are awful. I would be careful not to read too much into his words. It was a bad time for him too. Sometimes when people are upset they project their own insecurities onto someone else. I cannot imagine, after what you wrote, that you personally were an emotional drain on him. Just the opposite, it would seem. But it is very possible that the ldr was, and that he therefore equates you with the stress caused by that circumstance. If you think your actions on the phone were pathetic, you are wrong. They were perfectly normal. I'll bet there are very few who can honestly say that they have never reacted to such a situation in a similar way.

 

I would normally suggest that you not contact him. But in this case I would write him a letter, or email, and lay out some of the thoughts you wrote on this board. He sounds more confused than resolute. But before you do, have a plan of how you would like things to be resolved. Lay out your feelings and the logic of your proposed resolution. It is possible that you will be rejected, and that will hurt. But it doesn't sound like you are going to hurt much more than you already do. If it doesn't work, though, you should try to engage in nc.

 

I really hope this works out for you. Please post back in a couple of days and let us know how you are doing.

[leopardprint]

Thank you so much for your response, Blue. Everything you said is exactly how I feel right now. It's nice to see someone understands. It's really comforting. I was scared that everything I wrote was going to seem like a jumbled mess of school girl pathetic emo...poop!

 

 

 

Sometimes when people are upset they project their own insecurities onto someone else.

 

This is amazing point I've never really thought of. Actually, I can admit I've been doing just that to him as well. My fear of being a bad girlfriend, of him one day getting tired of me and leaving me, has made me bitter and fearful and makes me lash out at him sometimes as if any of it were actually true. It's a horrible thing; I've come to the conclusion I really do jump the gun and act hastly before thinking things through. May it's the Taurus in me. Maybe you're right - I know he's confused; he's told me over and over again, and I can understand how frustrating I can be A friend of mine told me tonight that the best thing he needs right now is time and space, and for me, patience. I'm going to think less about what's gone down the past couple of days, and wait for him (and myself) to get thoughts and emotions straightened out.

 

 

 

I would normally suggest that you not contact him. But in this case I would write him a letter, or email, and lay out some of the thoughts you wrote on this board. But before you do, have a plan of how you would like things to be resolved.

 

 

Its funny you said this, because I'm writing a letter as we speak. So far it's... whoa... WAY long - hahaha hopefully he likes a long read. I actually would rather read it to him in person, but I think it'd be easier on him if he could relax, in his own environment, and take the time to think about it, take it all in, etc. I also don't want him responding to it unless he wants to. So I think I'm going to email it to him. I'd sending it to him but I'm writing it in my journal and my hand writing is horrible - I'm a computer art major and haven't really written anything this thoughtful, indepth, or long in three years

[leopardprint]

And I just realized how many type-os and ungrammatical sentences were in those two posts. Ugh, sorry! (And yes, apparently "ungrammatical" IS a word... just looked it up !)

[Blue in Texas]

I think your friend is giving you excellent advice. I would not be in a hurry to send that email. Especially since, judging by the times that you posted, it doesn't seem that you got much sleep last night. It sounds like you are a very clear headed person, though. I'm sure you will write a great letter. Again, good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Israfil]

My initial advice to you would be to STOP.

 

Do not send the letter.

Do not call him.

Do not talk to him.

Do not pass go.

 

Etc.

 

You both need time to think. Your initial emotions are completely clouding your judgment. Take some off and just think. Get your head sorted.

 

Fine, write the letter. Paint him. Do whatever you need to do to purge your emotions, but under no circumstances SEND the letter.

 

What you need right now is a good dose of NO CONACT (NC). It will be horrible, but talking to him will be worse. Trust me. I know. I have been there.

 

LDR’s are difficult, treacherous things that we must navigate with caution. They take hard work, among other things. In my experience, LDR’s only work if there is an end in site – a point where the two of you are BOTH willing to make sacrifices to be together. If he is not willing to move to be with you anymore, this is a clear indication that his commitment level to you is not where it was, and certainly not where it should be for a serious LDR.

 

Something has clearly happened to his psyche. It could be many things – another woman, boredom, fear, or plain old falling out of love – just as examples. The point is, his feelings have changed, and there is nothing you can do about it. Accept that.

 

As such, I suggest immediate NC. If he wants to talk to you or reconcile, he WILL contact you.

 

NC! This time if for you.

 

Think. Purge. Rebuild.

[leopardprint]

Isaril,

 

I completely hear what you're saying. That's always been my problem in relationships. I'm AWFUL at initial NC. I always give in... over and over again. Something in me is always screaming "fight for the one you love", "fight for love", "love is worth it all", etc.! But it has never worked before; only hurt me more in the end, and probably pushed away the other party.

 

The whole issue on contact and non contact has always been the hardest decision for me. I never know when is too much and when is not enough. I usually opt for too much, and screw things up.

 

I desperately don't want to mess things up with him. That's why I told him I couldn't continue talking to him the other night and kind of left it at that. He broke down crying when I said I wouldn't continue talking to him, but I was scared if I continued to talk to him, a few things could happen; 1. He'd get used to having me as "a friend", and I'd be stuck still in love with him as he moved on, or 2. I would just sit there being more and more hurt, crying and being pathetic, begging him not to do this, during every conversation, making things worse and pushing him away more.

 

But then there's the other side of me... The side that says he's my best friend, and if he means so much to me, and I so much to him, why throw it away - why throw each other out of one anothers' lives? What if I never talk to him and never attempt to fix things and he thinks I hate him or want him out of my life? Or what if over time, he gets over me easily because of NC and finds someone else?

 

I fear so many things, and my emotions on the subject are split 50/50. In the past, I've always gone too far with contacting the person over and over again, spilling my heart out hopelessly for someone who screwed me over and didn't even deserve me time.

 

But J (lets just call him J for the sake of using "him"s and "he"s and getting people mixed up) is something completely different. We had something I never had with anyone. We had a REAL relationship. I wasn't a kid in highschool anymore with some kid who didn't even hit puberty yet. We were indepent adults who found each other and decided to merge our lives together. We were each other's best friend and companions. We never cheated or lied to each other. I would hate to make a pety mistake now, you know?

 

So that's why I opted for NC.... but then I'm scared I'm hurting him more by telling him I can't talk to him again after he asked me and said over and over again he didn't want to lose me and stop talking.

 

Blah - I think you're right. I want time to think and rebuild. I want him to do the same, I guess I just have this fear he'll end up moving on or finding someone else or thinking I hate him or something...

[Israfil]

Something in me is always screaming "fight for the one you love", "fight for love", "love is worth it all", etc.! .

 

You cannot fight for love. You would be fighting a loosing battle, especially as “J” is no longer in the same battlefield fighting with you, for you.

 

But it has never worked before; only hurt me more in the end, and probably pushed away the other party.

 

Yup. Listen to your instincts.

 

I usually opt for too much, and screw things up.

 

opt for NC.

 

I desperately don't want to mess things up with him.

 

Aren’t things already screwed up? Leopard, you have to accept this. Things are NOT going to be the same, chica.

 

1. He'd get used to having me as "a friend", and I'd be stuck still in love with him as he moved on.

 

Now I know you don’t want that.

 

This will be hard to hear, but you cannot be friends with him. Certainly not now. You cant go from each other’s souls to being friends. It doesn’t work. Its too painful, for one, and more importantly, it will prevent you from moving on.

 

2. I would just sit there being more and more hurt, crying and being pathetic, begging him not to do this, during every conversation, making things worse and pushing him away more.

 

Don’t do that. You know its no good for anyone. Don’t be pathetic. You are way better than that.

 

 

The side that says he's my best friend, and if he means so much to me, and I so much to him, why throw it away - why throw each other out of one anothers' lives.

 

He already threw it away. Not you. Either way, what you had no longer exists. Accept that.

 

What if I never talk to him and never attempt to fix things and he thinks I hate him or want him out of my life? ….. I'm scared I'm hurting him more by telling him I can't talk to him again after he asked me and said over and over again he didn't want to lose me and stop talking.

 

It is no longer your problem what he thinks. The only thing that should be of concern to you now is you. Your feelings. Your state of mind. He is no longer your responsibility.

 

Or what if over time, he gets over me easily because of NC and finds someone else? .

 

That may happen. But would you rather be in his life while he falls in love and fu(ks other women, or would you rather be sane? Don’t be a masochist.

 

Just think, you may get over him quickly and find someone else too.

 

I fear so many things, and my emotions on the subject are split 50/50.

 

Therefore NC is the best option now. Get your mind sorted.

 

We were indepent adults who found each other and decided to merge our lives together. We were each other's best friend and companions. We never cheated or lied to each other.

 

Leopard, you are making excuses. “J” has decided to “unmerge”. You have to accept this.

 

 

You mind is a jumble right now. You must realize that you cannot think rationally at the moment, and you cannot make any decisions yet. You must do NC for your own sanity.

 

Come back in a week or a month or however long it takes for your mind to think rationally again, and we will chat then about how to proceed.

 

Remember, if he wants to talk to you, he will contact you.

[notmakingsense]

Leapord -- go with Isra's recommendation, and DO NOT contact your bf - especially given your history, you need to work very hard at this! Since your bf is the one who initiated the breakup - he has to be the one to reach out to you.

 

I think it would be too painful for you to keep up contact and just be friends because you'd be waiting for more. I think he is torn about things, but he and you need time alone to sort things out -- and HE needs to be the one to initiate the reconcilliation.

 

Also, you can't wait for him. You have to assume that this won't work out. Having an LDR is hard enough, but add to that the breeakups, and it is even more challenging. He may pleasantly surprise you in weeks or months, but if he doesn't, and you haven't been trying to move on yourself -- it will be a shame.

 

Finally, here is a post about what goes on from a dumper's perspective. It may help you gain a broader understanding of what your bf is experiencing.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=389498&postcount=6

[leopardprint]

I didn't want to bump this or reply because I wanted to clear my mind and focus on other things, but I read a post by someone that made me suck it up and continue...

 

...in my experience the only way to deal with this kind of pain is to just go with it. sink to the very bottom, and allow it to happen. dont expect to feel happy, just let it be. the more you struggle with it, the worse it becomes... accepting the pain does help, as i said before. it is the way i always deal with break ups, i accept it and sink to the depths of despair. i have struggled against it in the past and ended up in far worse a state. imagine it as though you are drowning, if you struggle, you sink under. if you let yourself go down, then gradually you will just float back up again naturally.

 

Whether this is right or wrong, it made me want to continue this thread and get some more responses to recent events.

 

 

 

 

I tried to stay NC - I really did, but OF COURSE I broke it in less then 24hrs . I was devistated the next two days, crying UNCONTROLLABLY. I started writing the letter, and decided not to send it to him, but it really helped me understand things. I realized alot - like what I was doing and how it was actually effecting the relationship - and it all just seemed SO completely clear! I sat there after awhile thinking, "I really did this?!", as if it was so obvious.

 

He ended up calling me, and for awhile, we were on WoW (World of Warcraft, an online video game), and he was just cracking jokes and fooling around as if NOTHING ever happened... It left me kind of angry, so I was sort of giving the cold shoulder, or at least an uninterested tone. After awhile I said, "We NEED to talk," and we both signed off.

 

Well, I broke down (again... blah) and cried my eyes out for HOURS. I went on and on with my apologies and what I've realized over the past days. It was a mix of calm soothing explaination and how things might be able to work, and extreme soobing and begging. I had no shame left - wasn't embarassed at all because he just means so much to me I didn't care what I sounded like - I just had to tell him EVERYTHING or I'd regret it later. He really never said anything, just let me talk the entire time. I could hear him sniffling and silently crying on the other end most of the time. I asked about how he REALLY felt; if there was anything he wasn't telling me (thinking of notmakingsense's dumper's perspective link). He told me he swore there was "absolutely no underlying reason to any of this" except that he just couldn't handle it right now, and he's just confused/hurt/exhausted, etc. In the end, he just kept telling me he was so confused and his head was spinning, and he (again) just can't deal with the stress of a relationship right now - he said he "needs time to better himself" and that he'd like me to do the same. I know what he means, but I came right back at him with, "I can't better myself unless you let me be better in our relationship". Blah blah BLAH!! *slams head down on desk*

 

That night after all of that, I decided I HAD to go NC. I wanted to give him his time and space and everything he wants and needs. And I knew if I stuck around, I might get hurt even more. He kept telling me he didn't want to lose me completely, and I wouldn't lose him, and if I ever need or want to call him I can - he said he'd also like to be able to contact me. He was crying pretty hard when I made the final decision, and we both hung up unable to speak through tears.

 

The following day, I lasted the entire day not calling, txting, IMing, etc. But around 4am, I kept seeing him coming on and off MSN messenger and just broke down and sent an IM saying, "Hey". It was small chit chat and instead of actting like I was in such servere pain (which I obviously am), I actted like my day was normal and productive (which, in a way it was, but I mostly slept the entire day, cried some, and drank a bit with a friend) without one word about "us". I have this bad habit during my breakups to act as hopeless and destroyed as possible, as if the other party will feel bad or something and what to rescue me out of love. *rolleyes* Give me a break - it never worked and was pathetic. I'm not going to pull that on him because I love him WAY too much, and I RESPECT him and I really DO want to give him his space and time, even if it means lossing him.

 

He told me he was restless; couldn't seem to get to sleep. He said all he did was sleep all day and walk around the house aimlessly. I wanted to jump in and express my pain too but, held strong and just said I was sorry to hear. He said his mouth has been hurting again as well (he got oral surgery done last weekend).

 

We talked for about an hour about art and just each of our days. Made a few jokes, blah blah blah. At the end, he said we should both try to go to bed, and said, "Goodnight and have sweet dreams :)" which is what he would say everynight when we got off the phone. I choked, and managed to type "You too, buddy". Buddy?!!! Oh god...

 

Today I (yes, I did it AGAIN ugh) IMed him saying, "Did ya' get any sleep last night?" He quickly replied he didn't and went on and on about how his day will play out today. He then had to go, and IMed me much later in the day, telling me how he ended up running errands for the entire family and how exhausted he was. More light joking insued, and small chatter. He seems to act really greatful I'm talking to him, but he really hasn't initiated the conversing. I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't really want to talk to me, or because I told him we couldn't talk and he's respecting my wishes, even though I keep contacting him I must be confusing him so much. I just can't help it...

 

 

Other then that, every night I've been having dreams about him - VIVID dreams (I'll post them if you guys want ) and I'm really trying to do this NC but I can't help but break it when he makes it so easy and obvious that he wants to speak to me... even though it's "as friends"

[leopardprint]

Something I think everyone should know that I just learned and made me feel so much better!!!

 

While talking to him tonight on MSN messenger, he asked what I had been up to lately. I honestly told him everything I had been thinking of and realizing about MYSELF in the past days - nothing to do with him - and all POSITIVE things. No sulking, no negative, no sad - all good things. And this is what he said.....

 

"J": wow

"J": thats...

"J": thats freaking awesome

"J": you seem like your making a lot of changes in the right direction

"J": its really effervescent to see that

"J": im impressed i really am

"J": im glad that you are i really am its really good to see and something i like to see

 

then later...

 

"J":i m freaking excited for you

"J": its SOO good to see you doing what you want it makes me freaking want that

 

 

I know it doesn't mean we're getting back together, but it's definitely a step forward!!

 

For anyone out there who had the same problem I had; believing that if she/he sees how hurt you are, they'll take you back - It's NOT true! Don't even GO there!! Don't even THINK about going there!! If they mean that much to you, you won't do that to them, or yourself! Being positive and up lifting seems to have SUCH a better impact!

 

 

Ok I'll stop posting for tonight!

 

 

 

Notes: I was talking to him mostly about my recent realizations on school, my current living situation, and the next year of my life. I've been stressing over EVERY DETAIL in my life recently and the people in it who shouldn't even matter (negative influences, blah!), and I've come to alot of new and exciting decisions I feel good about. Mainly, taking a year off from college to move back in with my parents in the country in Georgia... to 1.) do more oil paintings (need to get the creative senses flowing again since I lost it these past 3 years of strickly computer art), 2.) get in better shape (I'm an ectomorphic body type; I can't gain weight worth a $hit, but can lose weight (unhealthly) way too easily - so I'm going to try to work out and gain muscle weight and eat more on a regular basis), and 3.) learn to finally cook from my mom.

This was what I was saying in short.

[justagirliegirl]

It seems to me that maybe he felt overwhelmed and pushed.

 

If your fights were mostly about where the relationship was going, maybe you were pushing too hard?

 

Also try to contain your emotions just a little. People get turned off at the crying sobbing basket case image.

 

I am really not trying to be offensive but people don't like clingy, pushy, drama.

 

I really would do no contact.

[leopardprint]

If your fights were mostly about where the relationship was going, maybe you were pushing too hard?

 

I definitely was; I've totally realized that as of late, and hate myself for doing so. I plan on DRASTICALLY changing that about myself, but I can honestly see it as a pattern in my past as well.

 

 

Also try to contain your emotions just a little. People get turned off at the crying sobbing basket case image. I am really not trying to be offensive but people don't like clingy, pushy, drama.

 

No offense taken! I agree - I hate it as well - in my last post I posted just that. I've completely steped away from that "crying sobbing basket case" image, and into a more positive light. I always believe in positive thinking and living (Norman Vincent Peale), so now it's time I started practice what I preach