sk8txs Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 I am currently dating a single mother of a great 6 year old boy whose father shares custody with her (joint). We started living together after 6 months of dating, yes way to fast, and have had some trouble along the way. About 6 months after living together I had an opportunity to "test-out" a new job in her hometown. Before I point out all the bad I will point out some good. I have loved and cared for her and her son like my own. I do many things for them emotionally and financally. I also know we have fun as a "family" and that we have fun bowling and getting out. When we started dating we had a couple of previous fights where I was scared we were over. We weren't it's normal to fight... but we always fought when we had a few drinks in us so they could get ugly. We are both type A's and both dominant personalities. That also causes some undue stress and problems. We have had some major blow outs and I don't think we have had 1 trip that we have not had a good fight. (I hate fighting). There is also a constant feeling of bickering like children. Since we have lived together, I had what she calls a "freak out" and needed some help from my PhD and some time to think. Basically, I was laid up in bed for 1.5 weeks with a back problem and she was great to me and we didn't fight at all. The light came on and something was wrong. She was caring for me and I needed her so we didn't fight. That scared the crap outta me. I needed to talk to her and my PhD about it and my family as well. We eneded up trying to reconnect but to me something was always missing. Not sure what but it was paining me. I then obtained the opportunity to grow our business in her hometown which I decided to try for 2 reasons. It was a way for me to enhance my career and gain new financial stabilty, own a home, etc. and if we worked out then she would be able to move back to her hometown. I was optimistic and she said she was. Not so. Ever since I have been up there (5 months) it has been getting worse. She at first was upset about my calling times and that I wasn't putting enough into the relationship. Then I had times where I just needed a weekend to myself b/c my workdays took all of my free-time and I just wanted a weekend alone and not to travel home. On the travel subject, I did it the most but she did her part of coming up. She gave me the guilt trip most of the time that I told her I would come home the most so I should. I gave in for a while and worked 24/7 and traveled a lot back and fourth (4hrs each way). During that time she started loosing lots of weight and became anxeious and depressed. It manifiested itself last month the most by getting really hard phone calls and I had to have the converstation with her that I am not ready to get married or engaged based upon the last couple of months being so hard. That put her in a downward spiral and it just got worse when she would have panic attacks and call my friends there looking for me if my cell phone was dead or I was at home passed out from working too much or fighting with her which just added to my exhaustion. It has gotten to the point where I told her that I wasn't coming home for the super bowl because I was tired and needed the rest and no driving. She basically threw a tantrum and told me that she would do anything for me and that I should do the same for her if I loved her. She also drove half way there on a work night the week before because I was passed out on the couch. She got ahold of me 2 hours into the drive thankfully. That has scared / pushed me away. She is requiring me for her happiness. That isn't good. She went to see a doctor last week and he told her about her seritonin (sp?) levels are all outta wack and they put her on anti-depressants as the depression has manifested itself in a physical form. After yelling at me b/c I was busy and totally forgot that she had a doctors appt (my job is very mentally demanding from time to time) I had enough and told her that I was sorry that she was going through this but I wanted out. I could not keep taking the abuse of the relationship and still focus on myself and my carrer. Yesterday I came home to do the face to face with her and to see my PhD. He feels that I should just let her go as she has some issues that will ultimatly bring me down. She suprised me though. She told me that she knows what she has done. That she is using me for her happiness and that she has been driving me away. She told me that she needs my support to get through this and to reconnect with the relationship. I have obstained from comment as I am totally confused and don't know what to do. I see her hurting and knowing what she has done and what is wrong and that she wants to fix it the right way. That is all well and good but what about the rest... I just am having a hard time believing that it will ever get better. I have a feeling that we will never be on the same page and that after she is better that we will be at it again and just as hard. I do love her but I feel like I need some time apart to realign... to figure out what is happening and to check my feelings for her. Are they of sympathy and regret or of love and nurturing? Do I help her and continue the relationship or do I let it go and let her get on with healing. I do know that I hate some of the emotional blackmail that is being thrown at me... if you loved me you would support me... you will regret breaking up with me... (that one only makes me regret not breaking up with her!). I know it is valentines weekend, she says she needs me and I want to help... but at what expense? I am supposed to be going to Florida tomorrow morning with her to go to one of my friends wedding and she wants to go with me for some "alone time". I feel I need that trip to sort out myself... my feelings to realign and figure out if I can be a brick wall for her over the time she has ahead of her. I know I cannot see a healthy relationship in front of us but maybe I have been in the fog of war and have forgotten what it is all about. Advice? Help?
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Wow, I feel for you on this one. I don't know if she is unhealthy in the sense of controlling or just very needy and insecure?? I don't know...But somewhere in the midst of all this, there have been some very uhealthy habits growing between you two and the bickering dynamtic as well. I think the best thing to do is enjoy this weekend together at the wedding, have fun and just live in the moment...Then next weekend just take some time apart so you can think about how you feel about her. And I have to say, moving in so quickly hasn't helped...It's like the relationship didn't grow enough and automatically you two got put into a situation of responsibility because of her child, and house expenses. You really didn't get to know her well and build up the friendship/relationship part. I hope this makes sense. She as you do, have to DO separate things at times. You can't entertain eachother and be the only person in eachother's lives. Friends, family and alone time has to happen in a relationship. (If I spend alot of time with my husband without having MY time, I go NUTS, so does he.) It is healthy to have a balance and not depend on eachother for every need.
Author sk8txs Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Thank you for your feedback! I am a little concerend that I won't be able to have a good time and fear that she will be a nervous wreck as she will be trying not to be to clingy and needy. I guess I just am afraid that it will only make things worse. I guess I need sometime to digest this. Not sure. On the flip side, it could be the first good vacation that we have had! I just don't want to take her and then find out that I am so ready to run that I can't wait to get home. Maybe it's necessary.
stephInDaDistrict Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 see, your a good man, and you know it, she knows it. Work it out.
Recommended Posts