whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Definately tell him NOT to come. There is no point of seeing him and having a final goodbye. Email him.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I can't share any experience with you on surviving a PA. If that had been my situation, I can honestly say that there's no force on earth that would have made me take my husband back. I would have walked and NEVER given him another opportunity. That said, I'm not sure it would've been the right decision. Here we are, having reconciled so many issues in our marriage. Our relationship has literally never been so intimate and satisfying. If I'd thrown in the towel on it....I'd have missed all that. But I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't have tolerated a PA. I'd have left him. I wouldn't have wished him well either. I'd have BECOME the vindictive b*tch he thought I was before and during his EA. It would've been a case of, "You ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!":p To be honest, I find the PA sooooo very repugnant because of the health risks involved. There are STD's that can literally be a death sentence in today's world. Your children can be orphaned. Adultery is a game of Russian Roulette with not only your own life at risk but that of your spouse as well. The PA says..."I don't care if you live or die, I only care about ME." Now, is that the truth about how a WS feels regarding his/her mate? Not likely. But it wouldn't have mattered to me at the time. I would NEVER have been able to overcome that particular line of thought. As it was, the EA hurt me worse than I thought he could hurt me. Our marriage was adversarial at that point and had been for some time. If you had asked me if I loved my husband before our reconcilliation, doubtless you'd have heard some platitudes about how I loved him like a family member or something equally absurd. I was literally SHOCKED at how bad I was hurt. Lost 20 pounds in a month. Felt sick to my stomach every day. Felt like I was losing my mind due to my inability to trust my own judgement. Afterall, I had WASTED over TWO DECADES of my life on this stranger I couldn't begin to comprehend. Everything I thought I knew about him was WRONG. I never knew that he could LIE like he did. I'd have never believed it about him if someone had told me so. How could I trust my own judgement after that? And I don't even want to tell you what happened to my self esteem. I picked myself apart....every fault, every flaw. I felt old, ugly, and stupid beyond redemption. Even now, I can't bring myself to go back to the 'bad place' I was in all that time ago. It still makes me overly emotional and full of self-pity to this day. Anyway, IMHO all affairs are damaging, but I think there's more hope for reconcilliation after an EA. It's an emotional betrayal, true. When left to it's own devices, the EA will become a PA in more cases than not. But at the end of the day, I'd say the PA is worse. There are aspects to physical infidelity which are nearly undefeatable in terms of reconciling them within our hearts. The risks to health and life, the possible financial and emotional burden on the family if another child is produced....these aren't weighed as intangibles. For the BS, your whole family is anteed up like a bet on the roll of the dice. Some folks can make peace with that. Some folks can't. I guess my question is: Do I e-mail him and tell him not to come? Call him? Tell him in person? Any advice? If you want to be done with this, my advice to you is to 'burn your bridges'. Don't leave any room for negotiation or for "friendship". E-mail him that you don't want him, not for a visit and not for anything else. I think if it were me, I'd make it light on myself and tell him that I'd met someone else....someone single and wonderful. Tell him that you want to explore that, and that you've decided a cheating man isn't good enough for you. Even if he were free tomorrow, you wouldn't want him. I'm not usually one to stretch the truth....but hey, you've been through enough already. I think it's okay to not put yourself through any more. This guy is NOT your responsibility, so you shouldn't have to worry about making it all easy on him. He's a grown-up, and he knew the score when he made his choices.
Author Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 You know, I thought about telling him that I had met someone else before you even suggested it. It would put closure to this relationship once and for all and in the meantime, salvage some of my self respect. He would never know the difference as I am from another state. I am an honest person also, however, this action would most probably put the last nail in the coffin. And, you are right Ladyjane, I HAVE been through enough. Thanks for your kind words and thoughts. Once again, I appreciate the candor and honesty you have shown. Thank you for helping me walk away from an intolerable situation. I am misty eyed thinking about how all you "strangers" care enough about me, the OW, enough to assist me emotionally through this turmoil. I will keep you posted....
Ladyjane14 Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 You'll be okay, hon. Breaking up hurts like a b*tch no matter what the circumstances. Hang in there. Time really does heal.
mopar crazy Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Ya know LJ, now that my H's EA/PA has been over for 3 years I think the part that hurt me the most was the PA part of it. I knew why he started the EA w/ the exOW, not saying it was right, but I know why he did it. The part that bothers me the most is the physical part of the A. I should of never thought he would never cheat on me but honestly, I didn't think he would. The reason why the physical part of the A bothered me the most was that he was w/ another woman sexually. She knows now what he's like in bed, he knows what she is like in bed. It would of been different if he slept w/ her b4 we were even dating but we were M 11 years when he decided to have the A. Knowing he was w/ someone else in our 14 years of M does bother me, but not as much as it use to. I can't control what she could of said about H to her friends but I can just imagine her saying how good he is in bed, what he did to plz her, things like that. I never thought I would take him back after an A but I just had to give my M one more chance to see if it could be better, if it could survive his infedility. But if he ever does this again it will be the last, I wont put up w/ it a second time.
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