Walking away Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Okay, I am an OW who is walking away from my relationship with my MM. He does not want to stop the affair, but I am must stop it for all people involved. But, enough about me.... My question to you betrayed spouses is: Which is harder to heal from: the emotional affair or the physical aspect of the affair?
Author Walking away Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Thank you for your reply. Hearing YOUR side of the story is giving me the strength and courage to walk away. You have given me the unique ability to see the wife's side of the story and I am able to empathize with your pain. Although I feel a tremendous amount of pain ending this relationship, I can only imagine the pain his wife would endure if she found out about me. Keep talking wives, I am listening....
Summerday Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 I am not married, but I did live with a man and I cheated on him. That relationship has been over for almost 3 years now. The reason I say "Emotional" is because my affair was purely physical and when I ended it I felt nothing, I was done. If your feeling this much hurt, it's probably not due to a physcial affair. Hang in there, and stick to your guns.. Your doing the right thing!
Author Walking away Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 There's no doubt that for both my MM and I, this is an emotional affair. No doubt about it, there are feelings on both sides. However, after reading the posts from the BW, I see that my pain is NOTHING compared to their grief. I cannot, with a clear conscience, do this to someone, who, out there, somewhere, has no knowledge of me. And, if she ever did learn about me, she would be absolutely devastated, as would her kids. And THIS is what is keeping me on my path... 1
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Exactly! You're in the right train of thought by imaginging his wife's pain if she found out, and their kids. It is a healthy unselfish thing now, you leaving him, and also looking after YOU. Try to keep busy, hang out with friends and family.
Author Walking away Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 You know, I went out on a date last night...with an available man, and it was so neat to be with someone who didn't have to hide me. AND, no pain of wondering what he was doing with his wife after he left me...
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 That is good! Just enjoy things slowly and know that one day YOU will find someone else.
Author Walking away Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Oh I am taking things slow. Not interested in all in a relationship with anyone at this time. My date was more like a date with a good guy friend, but it sure did remind me of how a a relationship SHOULD be. No secrets...we were free to do what we wanted last night when we wanted to without worrying who was going to see us. I just got a taste of freedom, I guess. Just another reason for me to keep moving in the right direction.
mopar crazy Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 You know, I went out on a date last night...with an available man, and it was so neat to be with someone who didn't have to hide me. AND, no pain of wondering what he was doing with his wife after he left me... Good for you Walking away! I know it's hard, but you can do it. Spend a lot of time w/ friends, get a new hobby, anything to keep you busy. I don't know what is worse, the EA or the PA b/c my H did both. It started out as an EA that turned into a PA after I kicked him out of our home (so he claims it wasn't PA until then). Reading the love letters and poems to her hurt like he!! but knowing he was w/ another woman sexually in our M hurts like he!! too. It's really hard for me to tell which one is harder.
Curmudgeon Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 the physical aspects of the ex's affair(s). Retrospectively, that tells me that by that time I really wasn't all that into her emotionally myself. Her final affair, while married to me at least, was what prompted my divorce filing.
Author Walking away Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 I am so sorry for all of the pain that you endured. Curmudgeon, thanks for your post. Good to hear your perspective too. Thank you so much for your honesty. And thank you for not judging me. Your kindness has been overwhelming. It appears that ALL aspects of an affair are tormenting to the BS. Keep writing.... 1
Guest87673 Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Both hurt, but i think an EMOTIONAL & PHYSICAL relationship is the deal breaker. Hard enough to deal with just one, but imagine throwing sex and love into an affair. How can anyone ever heal from that? As a married woman who has felt the pain of an affair, THANK YOU for ending your relationship with a MM. I wish OW were as smart as you. As much as I despise the role of the OW, it really pisses me off to see a man have his cake and eat it to. The OW is also a person, she does not need to be used, and thats exactly what the MM is doing. Good for you, dont be anyones door mat. U deserve someone who will want to be with YOU and ONLY YOU! You need someone who will honestly love you. You know that too.....
Author Walking away Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Our affair has been emotional and physical...the worst kind for you BS, I guess. His wife would be utterly destroyed if she knew what we have had. I won't do that to her any longer, of this you all have my word. I wish I had been smarter much earlier, although I didn't know he was married until after I was emotionally "hooked." Nevertheless, I am walking away even though he is not. As I write to you, he has been text messaging me while he is with his wife and kids on a tropical island for a business trip/vacation. I am not responding. All I have to do is think about you and the desire to communicate disappears. Thank YOU.
lust4life Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 The worst part is the deceit. Knowing something is WRONG and being lied to.
Chump64 Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 Both are equally devastating to me. My husband was with the OW for 10 years. That obviously indicates a strong emotional bond, and hundreds -- if not a thousand -- hours of sexual intimacy between them (they had nooners for a decade).
AJS Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 He's the classic example of a cakeman dear. Don't lose any sleep over it, feel sorry for his W and be thankful you weren't the next one.
Author Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 You are right about him being the classical cakeman. No more will he have it both ways with me! I am out of this triangle for good. Now, more advice: do I tell him I am done, or do I just fade into nothingness and let him wonder? (He has no idea that I have made this decision even though I haven't responded to his text messages...)
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 End it with him. As much as he is a cakeman, be the better person here. You wouldn't like if he just walked away from you and made you wonder. (Not that he deserves that respect! But by ending it this way, you can have your own closure.) Tell him never to contact you again. No emails, IM's, calls, dropping by - NOTHING. Take some time to gather your thought, then tell him. You want to be strong and in a good frame of mind when you break that news! Good luck and stay strong! Good for you for ending it!
Butterflying Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I think emotional deceit is much worse than physical. Physically, wounds heal and are easily forgotten. But emotionally, unless you get amneisia, the memeory of the pain will always be there. Emotional pain is internal, so nothing or no one can cure that. Not even time. Over time, pain becomes easier to deal with. But all it takes is one memory of the pain, and the tears come back again for a moment while you're thinking about it.
Author Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 I think if more OW read this post, more OW would walk away from their MM. The pain that I feel as an OW is incredible, but it brings tears to my eyes to read how deep the wounds are with you, the BS. Your honesty and candor have "cemented" my decision to never see this man again.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 The problems is, even if some OW read the posts, it won't sink in properly because of their frame of mind. You can't stop someone from making a huge mistake if they aren't in a healthy frame of mind or really listening/understanding the FULL picture and full consquences of their actions. Most OW have blinders on and think with their hearts and logical thinking just won't happen UNTIL they are ready to see the full picture.
MustB1 Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 DON'T fade. JUST stop all contact and that means no goodbyes. Just end it by truly ending it. If he contacts you ignore it, if he becomes obsessive tell his wife. It is better she knows anyhow, it is horrible to live naively and as someones puppet. The god syndrome some of these guys have is perverse, and torturous, as I guess you are learning.
Author Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 He is flying out here the end of this month to see me. These plans were made a few weeks ago. What do I do?
Author Walking away Posted February 12, 2006 Author Posted February 12, 2006 I guess my question is: Do I e-mail him and tell him not to come? Call him? Tell him in person? Any advice?
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