SelfDeceived Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I have been with my wife for 12 years (married 6) and recently had an affair with a married woman. I began an email relationship with a girl that I had known in college, and eventually told my wife that I was leaving to see another woman. I left and spent the weekend with her, but didn't feel that sex was the right thing to do. I came back and spent weeks confused, and after feeble attempts forget the other woman was pulled back into the affair leading to an eventual sexual encounter. I have since learned that some of the events that drew me back into the affair were completely fabricated and done in a deliberate attempt to manipulate me. I mostly blame myself for believing the lies that I was told, but my problem is that even though I desire a serious reconcilliation with my wife and have moved so much closer to her. I still cannot stop thinking about this other woman. I struggled for weeks and finally felt that feelings for her were extinguished after she began spreading horrible lies about me and our affair. It has been over 3 months and I continue to think about this other woman. I miss her and want to be close to her even though she in the most wicked fashion manipulated and deceived me. Even though she has completely used me and has managed to villify me, I still cannot stop thinking about her. I guess I can understand how women can consider staying with abusive husbands because I can't seem to completely wash my hands of her. I don't want to be with her, but I feel that she still has some power over me. DOES THIS EVER GO AWAY? CAN I EVER TRULY BE FREE OF HER SPELL?
Walking away Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I think perhaps affairs have the same dysfunction of an addiction. And, even though I am not an addictive personality, I am having a struggle walking away from my affair. I am the OW. Also, perhaps there is some truth to the adage that you want what you can't have. Nevertheless, we have all been through breakups in our lives, and we all get to the point when we don't think about that other person any longer. It just takes time. 1
newbby Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 a great post walking away, well said. the power you feel she has over you is really just an illusion. i very much felt like that when i was the ow. it took a while, but i bumped into him recently and i felt nothing, we talked abit, i kept wondering why i had been so enchanted by him. it is very strange. give yourself a little time. you will get over her, and i'm sure you will be very glad that you did not lose your wife over it.
Allegrokw Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 I agree with you totally newbby. As the exOW I realize the power I have over the MM. It is so much better to let go and let MM go back to what is right. But, we are human and can't always do the right thing. It has nothing to do with our pain as OW. We chose it in some distorted way. Selfdeceived, if your marriage can work, then make it work. And, don't obsess over the OW because it is just an illusion. Please take it from an OW, that if you love your wife and want to be with her then do everything it takes to do that. Be strong, and make yourself think of other things when you are thinking of your OW. If you are able, treat it like an addiction. You know that it isn't good for you, but you pursue it anyway. Be good to yourself and to you wife. Time will heal most everything. Peace and best of everything 1
Sami_D Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Hello SelfDeceived. Sorry you're feeling like this. I think it would help you to take some ownership of the decisions you made in having this affair. With that will come the realisation that you DO have the power to resist these feelings you have. You will be able to see that your future IS in your hands, and not in the hands of someone who you feel is manipulating you. I am not sure that posting on the OW forum will get you the solutions you need. So I suggest reading and posting in the Infidelity forum on this board, and also visiting this site: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/ (there is a forum on there for the 'Wayward Spouse' on which there are several threads dealing with 'getting over withdrawal' which might help you.) Best of luck.
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