Starfish Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I'm new here. I would very much appreciate some advice, as I am feeling very down this evening. I was in a tumultuous relationship with someone for three years. We were on and off more times than I can count. I always had so much faith and belief in him, because I knew the demons he was battling (abandonment issues that stem from his childhood, substance abuse that he was trying to kick, trust issues, etc.). We got back together one last time last summer. He broke up with me again, though, in September 2005. It's all such a painfully long story, but what it came down to was that he made me feel like it was all my fault. The night he went "nuts" and broke up with me, I had questioned him about where he was. He got very upset and told me that we were never going to work b/c I didn't trust him. Side note: I did grow to have trust issues throughout the course of the relationship b/c of many lies, him sleeping with other women on "breaks" and lying to me about that, manipulation tactics... I just found out, about a month ago, that the last time we were back together, he cheated on me one night when he was "bombed." It turns out that that's why he flipped out on me that one night, b/c he was feeling such intense guilt. This time - and all the times prior to this, when I found out about his lies - I gave him such a hard time. You see, I have this extremely intense need to be told the truth and not be lied to. I despise it. I try to live my life truthfully, and am upfront and honest with people. I - obviously - forgave him time and time again in the past. However, ths time around, I am just not willing to. But that's another post, I suppose. See, he works with a relative of mine. I got him the job with this person after he had cheated on me (I, of course, didn't know it at the time). Since finding out that he cheated on me, this relative has told me A LOT about him and how he conducted himself at work and how he found out that he was messing around with a few of the women that they work with. I confronted my ex about all of this when I first found out that he cheated on me. My relative isn't the only one that my ex works with that could have told me this - he knows that. However, he just asked me a couple of days ago how I found all of that stuff out...and I outright lied to him. He said that he KNOWS it's my relative; I told him it's not. How can I betray my family like that? And I feel SO guilty and like such a piece of s*** about it. He was so angry with me. He told me that I have always made such a big deal out of being honest and being told the truth, and now when it's my turn, I can't do the same for him, that I've made him feel so guilty on so many occasions for the lying that he's done but that I am doing exactly what I've always given him s*** for. I have been trying very hard for a couple of weeks now to maintain no contact. I love my ex very much but I have had my fill on being mistreated by him. I know that he and I both need to let go to heal and work on ourselves. However, I find that I still care so much about his feelings. And this is bothering me SO much. Am I an a**hole for lying to him? Is there anything that I can do to make things right in that regard? Should I not even care? Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
Raven1845 Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 No, you are not a hypocrite. Some may say, "a lie is a lie," but in this case, I would have to disagree. He lies to you by cheating on you. His lies are hurtful. You lied to him about who told you about him messing around. Your lie was to protect your family member. Bottom line, it shouldn't matter "who" told you. All that matters here is the fact that he's been messing around with girls at work. It's not your relative's fault this guy is an ass. Like the saying goes, "Don't kill the messenger." Funny how it didn't matter to him what he was doing, but the fact that you didn't tell him the truth about who told you he was screwing around with girls at work makes you the one at fault? I have (or had, rather) one of these myself. No matter what . . . it is/was always "my" fault. People like my ex and yours are the types that are unwilling to take responsibility for anything they do. Why take the blame when they can push it off onto someone else? If he keeps pushing how you lied to him, perhaps you can say, "Well, I've been told that people treat others the way they want to be treated, so I thought I was bringing us closer together, baby." (Sarcasm). I believe in honesty, too. People in relationships should be honest with each other. In this particular case, however, you not telling him "who" told you he was screwing around on you is irrelevant. Don't let him lead you to believe you're wrong. He is the only one at fault here. Keep your chin up. You've done nothing wrong by not giving up the messenger. Hugs, Raven
ThatOneGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Trust me, you did good on not selling your relitive out. I mean, sure you lied, big deal, but the notion you did it for was good. Your heart was in the right place. Anyway, I understand what your going through, but don't feel bad because you lied to a scumbag. How many times has he lied to you? How many? This one thing doesn't even count. It's good that your in NC, it should stay that way. Just, don't talk to him and move on with your life. Honesty is a good quality to posses in life, and I can tell that your a very honest and trustworthy person. You'll be fine
Author Starfish Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 Thank you both so much, Raven and ThatOneGuy. I appreciate your responses. Deep down, I have felt as though I wasn't wrong...but I thought that maybe that was just presumptuous of me. You see, I know that he was partly saying those things to me to try to exonerate himself and assuage his guilt. He's always been that way, trying to turn things around on me to make me feel guilty (and he's been soo good at it). And yet, this time I am fully cognizant that that's partially what he's doing...but I still felt really bad. Raven, I'm sorry you dealt with one of these, too. Not fun at all...but quite a learning experience. I don't know your story but I will certainly try to read up on it. Oh, and LOL @ "Well, I've been told that people treat others the way they want to be treated, so I thought I was bringing us closer together, baby." And ThatOneGuy, thank you for the kind words. I am trying my hardest to maintain NC b/c he is just toxic to me. It took me three years to figure that out. I could not even begin to try to count the number of times he lied to me..... Well, have a good day. Have to try to get some work done!
jennifer1983 Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I am so sorry you had to go thru such a rough time for three years. I was married to a man for almost four years who beat me and abused me because I knew in my heart he cheated on me with this one girl and when I would accuse him of it he would go into a rage. In hindsight, this was his guilt, just as you said about your ex. Well, to make a long story short he never has changed. We were seperated for about six months and even though he was with the girl he cheated on me with he came to my house when I had some guys over(they were all with girls btw) and tried to kill me over them being there. I had always thought that the hundreds of times he had lied to me that maybe something just one thing would make him realize he was wrong but that night made me realize that he will always lie to me and ALWAYS still blame me for his wrongdoings. I can assure you he will be the same way with the next girl too unless something profound makes him change. I found out that my ex husband has already cheated on his new girlfriend several times and has tried to come back to me countless times also. I do hurt still and feel like there was something wrong with me for him to lie to me and cheat but each day gets easier. You didnt do anything wrong by "lying" about who told you. The only thing you did wrong was give in and talk to him, he deserves to be with someone who will treat him like crap as he did you. What goes around comes around. Trust me, you will one day be able to look back and realize that you wasted all this time crying over someone who didnt deserve it. Good luck.
Author Starfish Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 OMG Jennifer...that is absolutely awful. I am so sorry for what YOU went through... You are entirely right about me being wrong for giving in and talking to him. I should never have entertained any of what he had to say. But I have just found myself - for reasons that are still unbeknownst to me - still caring about him and his feelings, and not wanting to hurt him. Knowing that I am done with him and how I need and want him out of his life hasn't quite made dealing with any of this easier, because I do still love him and care about him and mourn him. I don't know why I care so much about his feelings... I don't know why I still feel this need to be upfront and honest and truthful with him, and "considerate" of his feelings...especially when he was not these things with me a good portion of the time... But, again, that's another post in and of itself... I very much look forward to the day that I look back and realize that the tears I cried - enough to fill many tubs - was an utter waste of my time because he never deserved me... One day... I hope you are there.
clandestinidad Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Hey Starfish! I'm sorry that youre going through this, it sounds like its been very difficult for you for a long time. You will heal soon enough, and move along to someone much better for you who values honesty as much as you do. How old are you? I'm curious where you are in your life, and how old you've been while putting up with this behavior from him
Author Starfish Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Hi Kat - I'm 29 - just a few more months til the big 3-0. I met him when I was 25 1/2 (to be precise). I keep thinking about how I'm soon going to be entering a new decade, and how it's (figuratively) a fresh start, a new slate for me. I want to enter that new decade of my life in a healthy way, full of only people that truly love me and care about, that respect my need for honesty, that respect me overall...not only every now and then...
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