Well lets try this

[only4me1014]

Ok,I take it that when you post somewhere you shouldn't you dont get any response. SO I will attempt to try here now. I didn't really want to post here because I am no longer in a A just trying to reconcile.

 

So anyways,A little background for ya: I am the W who had the A,which I guess that use to be very unusual but I guess in the day it is quite common for the W to be involved in an A. So anyways I had confessed to my H back in '04 that I was having an A,like and idiot I thought that I was going to leave H for the OM.Boy was I in fooling myself.So,when I told H I told him I wanted a D.H was as ready as I was when we arrived at the attorneys office,then it hit me like a TON OF BRICKS,BAM!!!! What the **** am I doing here,I am loosing my companion,friend,my everything.So everything was decided on and we were due to sign off on the papers after the attorney got it all put together,I started freakin out.That night I told my H that I no longer wanted that D.

I called the attorneys office the very next day to tell him to forget it,we were no longer getting a D.So here we are almost 2 years later (May06')!

 

I have been paying **** since then. I mean yes their have been time when H seems to forgive me and move past it but it seems like the hurt is just as deep as it was 2 years ago.

 

I have tried to be patient with him,helping him heal the best I know how and now it has become to a point that I am having to bend over backwards,even then not seeming to accomplish much.

It seems his anger is just as bad toward me as it was 2 years ago.Please don't get me wrong I am not making light of his feelings by a long shot,what I am saying is this,H anger and rage of it all should have eased up by now.

We cannot even discuss regular every day marital matters without the A being slapped in my face.

I love my H and I want this marriage to work because if I didn't I sure would not be listening to the **** that I listen to.

My questions are this,has anyone else here dealt with this for this long of time? If so how do you cope? How long do the questions go on? I have explained everything to him one MILLION HUNDRED THOUSAND times till I am about ready to puck:sick: !!! Resentment is building strong here because he is saying some of the crappiest things to me and now I have gotten to the point now where I am just as hateful as he is. I tried so long to be understanding,loving,reasurring him constantly of my faithfulness and it gets me no where.

How long does it take? What the flip do you continue to say to them,do you continue after 2 years of still answer the same stupid questions OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN???????

I guess I am a little frusterrated,but for people who are in this kind of situation it doesn't take long to feel the way I do.

Please give me any and all your comments ,I would some much appreciate it,before I EXPLODE!

I am getting real tired of him going to bed without me because he thought of the A and now hates my guts.

Their is so much more I could say here but enough for now,I am anxious to see what kind of responses I get here.

Thanks

[whichwayisup]

Do a search on DazednConfused. His story will come up as "wife made stupid mistake." I think if you read his situation, get inside his head and read what he went through when he found out his wife cheated on him, maybe you'll understand your husband and what he is going through now. It is a long thread, but please read all of what he posted and the replies.

 

Have you two gone to marriage counsellling?

[whichwayisup]

Here's the link, I found it for you. I hope it helps you and your husband. Maybe print it out and let him read it as well.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

[only4me1014]

Thanks a bunch whichwayisup I am going there now to read it and yes to answer your question we went but it did no good,well maybe not really no good,it lasted a while but then it started again.

Well thanks for your help I am going to go read it now.

[Sup?]

Don't forget that you're the one who caused this, we don't know the circumstaces, but still, he feels like hes been cheated, he may have thoughts of all those times HE was tempted, and never acted on it.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with WWIU. You need to get in your husband's head and understand the way a BH (betrayed husband) thinks.

 

Here's another reading assignment:D :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72724/

This is a thread by ThumbingMyWay. He's got alot more threads here at LS that you can Search for.

 

TMW is a good guy who loves his wife. He's worked really hard at reconciling his marriage. I think you'll learn alot by observing him.

[sylviaguardian]

only4me,

 

I can appreciate how you are fed up with being on the receiving end of what you call **** but let's turn things around a bit. You were about to leave your husband for another man then YOU changed your mind at the last minute. Since then, what have you done to show your husband that you love him or how have you tried to make up for the unbelievable hurt you've caused. My H has also said to me "Of course, I love you - I wouldn't be here putting up with this if I didn't". Sorry that does not cut it! Words fail me to describe how angry this makes me.

 

Enough of that. When your husband says hurtful things the best thing to do is probably just agree with him. Like if he says " I can't trust a thing you say, you say @I can see how that would be hard for you, but I'm determined to show you that I am trustworthy". And so on.

 

On the other hand, you just have to expect some flack and go with it. I mean, what else did you expect?

[whats wrong with me]

<Quote>I am getting real tired of him going to bed without me because he thought of the A and now hates my guts.<Quote>

 

It's weird reading your point of view because thats what I do to my H. But everytime we go to have sex I wonder if he would rather be doin it with someone else. Also when I'm givin him **** it's because he brought up something little that I did wrong. I sometimes believe the only reason he doesn't want divorce is because it's "cheaper to keep her" Your husband might feel this is the reason you backed out of divorce.

[only4me1014]

only4me,

 

I can appreciate how you are fed up with being on the receiving end of what you call **** but let's turn things around a bit. You were about to leave your husband for another man then YOU changed your mind at the last minute. Since then, what have you done to show your husband that you love him or how have you tried to make up for the unbelievable hurt you've caused. My H has also said to me "Of course, I love you - I wouldn't be here putting up with this if I didn't". Sorry that does not cut it! Words fail me to describe how angry this makes me.

 

Enough of that. When your husband says hurtful things the best thing to do is probably just agree with him. Like if he says " I can't trust a thing you say, you say @I can see how that would be hard for you, but I'm determined to show you that I am trustworthy". And so on.

 

On the other hand, you just have to expect some flack and go with it. I mean, what else did you expect?

 

 

I wanted to let you know that yes I was about to leave my husband for another M,YES you have that right! I have done a GREAT deal showing my H how VERY much I regret the things I done to him.

 

 

Let me ask you something,if YOUR H called U BITC*,SLU*,WHOR*,TRAS*,ECT.Would you set there and AGREE??????

I think NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I expect some flashback,however,WHEN SOMEONE calls you FILTHY Names,you CANNOT SEE NO PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Let me say this,I know YOU are angry at your H for the pain HE caused you but that doesn't give you rights to down my situation,YOU have NO idea of what I have put up with during the past 2 YEARS!!!!

THANKS for such lovley advice!!!

[whats wrong with me]

That is pretty bad, does he just call you that....... out of the blue?

 

......when you guys already arguing about something else (not the affair)?

 

.......when you guys already arguing about the affair?

 

If he just does that out of the blue its possible that you guys wont be able to get through it.

 

If he's sayin that after you guys have been arguing (about something else) its a cheap shot or just to get the better of you. Either try not to get in arguments with him OR just let the name calling roll off your back OR find something bad he has done and use it against him.

 

If he's saying that after you guys are arguing about the affair you might need to go back to counsling

[Ladyjane14]

YOU have NO idea of what I have put up with during the past 2 YEARS!!!!

 

Unless you've read all of Sylviaguardian's posts...you have no idea what she has up up with during the past 2 years either. That perspective would actually be useful to you right about now in the same way that the stories of DazednConfused and ThumbingMyWay would be.

 

You're frustrated. That's obvious. Bear in mind that you've made a choice regarding the reconcilliation of your marriage, and that no one else made it FOR you. You could've walked.

You've made a choice about accepting abusive behavior from your husband as well.

 

So....how much abuse will you tolerate before you set personal boundaries regarding the treatment you are willing to accept? Once made, how will you ENFORCE your boundaries?

 

No one is willing to live in the 'doghouse' for the rest of their lives...no matter how bad their mistake was. Your husband made a choice too, when he accepted you back into the marriage. There are tacit promises in a choice like that. One assumes that the premise is to rebuild the marriage into a union which is satisfactory to BOTH partners. Currently, he's renegged on his committment. He's not holding up his end.

 

You can do it nice....or you can do it nasty. Either way, you're going to have to call him on that eventually.

 

 

(What books have you read on reconciling your marriage, btw? If you haven't read Surviving An Affair you might give it a try.)

[tweldy]

I grew up with verbal abuse so perhaps I'm too easily disturbed by your husband's employing cruel name calling. It sounds very abusive to me. My guess is that your husband has been unable to work through the emotional side of this. He masks his vulnerability and hurt by attacking you. I think what he needs to be able to say is that he feels insecure, inferior, unwanted, that he is hurt (etc.) Has he expressed himself like this at all or has it just been rage and anger?

[Becoming]

LJ and tweldy speak truth. Underneath all the rage is pain that is so bad he can't face it for fear he'll crumble.

 

It takes a loooong time to heal from an affair. But there's usually a reason why a spouse has an affair that is not all her doing. Has H been willing to accept any responsibility for doing anything that caused you to be susceptible to an affair? I take it you didn't just wake up in a great marriage one day and decide, "Gee! I think I'll go have an A today!"

 

You have to set a boundary down by saying, "I understand that I have hurt you beyond the harshest words you have for me, and I have said I'm sorry countless times and am in here working to try to show you I love you, but I can't do that when you talk to me like that. If you continue, I will have to leave until you can talk to me calmly and tell me what it is I can do to ease your pain." If he continues, walk out. Go for a walk or a drive if need be.

It may take a few times of doing this before he gets that you mean business.

 

I know you'll be tempted to return angry words but you're going to have to act responsibly with your words and actions in order to change.

 

And if how you responded to Sylvia, who meant no harm, is any indication of how you might be tempted to respond to your H, it doesn't bode well. No one is trying to put you down, and the sarcasm probably isn't helpful.

 

You can't change your H's behavior. All you can do is change yours (which means not accepting the name calling).

 

And the no sex thing sounds like punishment. I assume you've told him how much you want him . . . I'd think he'd figure that's a sure-fire way to push you into an A. So what's with that?

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for putting a marriage back together after an affair and for learning how to restore love. It works.

 

Hats off to you for continuing to work on your marriage. It's hard.