Guest Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Hi everyone Don’t really know if this belongs here seeing I wasn’t married.. But I was to my partner in my heart so here it goes … I’ve recently broken up with my girlfriend of 7 years because I found out she was cheating on me on a year. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been in a living hell... maybe I should tell you what happened so that you can better understand. Last year 2005, she was sleeping with another guy for an entire year. I was totally unaware... she said she was going on business trips another town. The old classic … I was just so trusting that I didn’t think twice about verifying her trips. She even said she was going to a conference in the USA for a week (o we live in South Africa) but it turns out she went with this guy on holiday to a holiday town about an hour drive from our home city and the reason she told me she was going overseas was that she could turn off her cellphone so that I couldn't get hold of her. She always had stories(lies) to tell us about the trips(family and friends included)... no one suspected a thing. The entire year she lied to me over and over again.. I had my suspicions sometimes... and when I approached her, she denied it and said no … your being paranoid… I love u … I wouldn’t do anything to hurt our relationship. why are you being like this ... She kept talking about wanting a commitment from me and that I must marry her… and I said to her I’d marry her when we where financially secure … although I was planning on popping the question in June 2006 as I was saving for the engagement ring and I wanted to surprise her. The things she did as well ... saying she was going to Durban on business and she would make me help her wax her pubic area… “Because she didn’t want to be hairy on the beach” … meanwhile she was waxing her pubic area to look good for this other guy.Coming back with bruises on her legs... Saying it was from carrying her luggage.. lol .. And me believing every word she said... I feel like such a fool. I found out she was “talking” to this other guy in November 2005, every day since march 2005, and I approached her about it and she said nothing happened … that they where just friends ... she then admitted to kissing him 1 night after i kept asking questions and her lies started to fall apart. For an entire month she lied to me … she kept saying she wanted a clean slate, that she loves me, that she wants to be with me, that it was a mistake, she was lonely and needed somebody to talk to… until one night the guy phoned her and he left a message on her cellphone … I found it and listened to it…and he was declaring his love for her. that was it .. i told her it was over between us,i don;t believe a word she says and that i don't want anything to do with her. I know now that she was traveling up to Johannesburg to be with this guy... staying at 5 star hotels, he was flying down to cape town 1,2,3 times a month to be with her (o she told me she was working overtime) .. And to top it off she was having unprotected sex with him and playing with my life! She has sent me sms like the following since we have broken up.. "I miss u" “I still love you I wish it would stop.” “I’m sorry I hurt u. I never meant too. “ “I never betrayed you until now. I loved you but you pushed me away.” “I wish I could take this all way. I make a huge mistake. Huge.” I haven’t received one in the last 4 days.. I haven’t replied as I don’t want to open a communication with her. She doesn’t deserve it. She was hurt me 2 much.I never knew i could feel like this. i just want the world to end becuase mine feels like it has. I just feel like I can’t get her out of my head... I was a good partner to her .Maybe not always the best boyfriend... but I would have never betrayed her.. I loved her so much... she was everything to me... I didn’t deserve this... No-one deserves this. My good friends say I’ve dogged a bullet … seeing I found out now and not after we got married … but I feel like there is nothing worth living for... I fall asleep thinking of her... and she’s the first thing I think of when I wake up … and that’s when I can fall asleep... I have nightmares every night thinking about what she did. I think about her every second of the day... I just want it to stop. I know I should move on with my life... and stop feeling sorry for myself .. I just don’t know how... nothing seems to work... maybe its all 2 new ..it seems it would be easier to just to fall asleep and never wake up. Why do I still love her and long for her after all she has done … why do I keep thinking to myself I can take her back .. she’s learnt her lesson …OR she won’t do it again if I take her back. I know i don’t want to be with her...becuase i'll never be able to get over what she’s done... she didn’t love me... how could she have? how do i make it all stop??
only4me1014 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Well, I am sorry to hear your pain that you describe here,it really is sad that you hurt so much:( . Have you tried to even explain to her the hurt you feel? By the way I am the W who had an A which makes me on the opposite end of your situation.I ask you if you have told her everything that you posted here(your pain).Because that is something I believe is very important for her to hear from you,not that it would change anything,but running from it or rather avoiding her want do you any good for the healing process. That is one thing in my situation that I wish and think might help a big MIGHT if my H would express his feelings to me rather that scream,call me names and what not! But that is another story in it self. If you love her as much as you expressed here and I believe you do,then for your pain and your love for her that you feel give her a chance to explain her behavior and then you express your pain to her. I am no expert here by a LOOOOONNNNGGGG shot but thats what I see from my stand point. Hope that helps some.I give you credit atleast you still express here how much she means to you.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 If you really want to make things work with her you could ask her for an explanation of her actions and make her agree to relationship counseling to stay in the relationship. Her life would need to become a open book. In other words, she should open up all avenues of her life= e mail, phone etc to prove to you that you can trust her. Very often people DO love the people that they cheat on. It's a complicated thing, the cheating. Often times there is something missing from the cheaters standpoint in the relationship that they look for outside of it- needs that aren't being met. You said you weren't the best boyfriend?? Would you say you were neglectful?? I'm not saying she was right to cheat by any means but perhaps there was a need of hers that you weren't meeting?? Once you're involved in the cheating, it's very addictive, almost like a drug. However, I can only say that perhaps her relationship with this guy didn't work out- perhaps he was married- or whatever and now she's trying to fall back on you?? That's something to consider as well. At any rate, your life is NOT over. People recover from much worse than that and you can do. Get out and get some exercise or volunteer helping those less fortunate than you to get some perspective on life. I hope you find healing.
Sup? Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 RUN! Run long, run hard, run away, But, the key word here is RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't contact her at ALL!
ThatOneGuy Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I agree with Sup, don't contact her. You've gone through enough pain at her expence already, you don't need to add any more wood to the fire. Im truly sorry about all of this, I feel for you buddy. But, like you said, a whole year of lies? She played with your LIFE?! Yeah, she's not worth the time. Just... live day-to-day for a while. I hope everything works out for you, good luck.
carmaenforcer Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I am marrying the W that cheated on me with her exBF but since then has done a lot to change. I forgave but never forgot and made her prove herself to me. A cheater can change and probably never do it to you again, but they could also lie and do it to you again and again. One never know but you have to go into it with that knowledge and be prepared to live in constant fear or learn to let it go regardless of what she could do to you. I have to go now but I will check up on you later. Please just remember when we are going through this type of this it seems like the end of the world and that no one can know our pain but you are not alone in this, a lot of us have gone through the same or worse and it's not the end of the world, just one ugly chapter of your life and you might meet someone better and you will someday forget about this ugliness. Keep strong.
Presario Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Guest, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Don't think of letting her come back, don't even ruminate about it. Pack her stuff, give it away to charity or throw it away. Don't answer her calls, throw away any letters you get. When I broke with my first girlfriend, I did the same thing and it was a liberating experience. Keep going, because things will get better after a month or two. Good luck! Test yourself on sexually transmited diseases. Don't look back! Look ahead.
Guest Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Hi Thanks for all the comments... Presario ... yes I have already been tested for STD's ... The thing is she has already given me one... genital warts... but she denies it ... I’m on medication to remove them... and the doctors and research I done says it can be passed from towels ect ect .. I wanted to believe them... but I now know that she was probably with somebody else before this other guy ... I just didn't want to believe she could... I feel like such a fool ... believing every word to be gospel that came out her month. Mz Pixie and only4me1014 .. I have asked her to explain and I have told her how much she hurt me.. (When I found out and a few days later) ... and her responses were ... I’m sorry to have hurt you ... I didn't mean 2" ... and "what do you want me to say. I’m miserable 2. I wish I could take it all away". I wasn't always the best boyfriend .. I did neglect her at times... I know I did.. I have a very stressful job and was trying to provide for her... sometimes that meant working late hours and not being able to spend time with her... the thing is she is a very lively person and yes I probably did neglect her needs .. But she neglected me to... Mz Pixi you say cheating is like a drug... she used to be a drug addict in her younger years. I didn't really care about that ... her past is her past... I accepted her for who she is…she’s a beautiful person for being able to overcome her addiction... not many people can overcome what she did .. I now think she replaced her old addiction with a new one... a new type of high…cheating. I know I still love her … and I probability always will … but I can't be with her. It hurts 2 much... and I don’t think I’ll be able to trust her again. There where just 2 many lies. I long for her every second of the day... I miss her so much... I just keep seeing her bright smile... I just feel like nothing matters, and there is nothing worth living for … I feel like I’m pretending. It feels like I’m developing an obsession... I can't get her outta my head... I think about her all the time. All I want is like Presario said … I want to look forward and move on.. I just don’t know how to get myself out if this state.
Guest Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 o yes Mz Pixie *I can only say that perhaps her relationship with this guy didn't work out- perhaps he was married- or whatever * i think he was married when she was with him .. she says he has been divorced for 4 years .. he says he has been divorced for 4 years .. but when i phoned her best friend in dec 2005 .. she said he was going through a divorce and that he is seperated when i asked who he was and if he was married...because i found a love letter written to him from my ex .. saying that one day she would like to meet his wife (not ex-wife) and children .... and that she knows they wont workout because they live in different places .. i don't know who or what to believe ..i can't believe anything they say .. and i know i can't trust what her best friend says .. its like trusting the devil. so ur prob right .. i was the backup plan ...
Mz. Pixie Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Mz Pixi you say cheating is like a drug... she used to be a drug addict in her younger years. I didn't really care about that ... her past is her past... I accepted her for who she is…she’s a beautiful person for being able to overcome her addiction... not many people can overcome what she did .. I now think she replaced her old addiction with a new one... a new type of high…cheating. Yes, people who have the tendency to be addictive personalities can be addicted to other things than drugs. Have you considered some counseling for yourself?? Perhaps medication could help you get over the slump?
SueBee3490 Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I'm with the posters who say run. Believe me I'm living proof of someone who was cheated on during dating then married the guy and now am miserable. Though I can't prove in my case that he is cheating since being married, all the truth came out on what he did while dating me. It hurt so much that I seriously thought I would either go crazy or commit suicide - no kidding. So though I know it will be extremely hard for you to let her go - I think in the long run, you will be better off.
Guest Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 At the moment i am seeing a counseler ..trying to deal with everything she has done but also to deal with other things im feeling... Just wish i had the outlook that everyone else has .. looking from the outside in .. all clear minded. i suppose im also scared that i 'll never get over this ... scared of the unknown .. like will i find love again ..will i trust again ... will my future partner accept me with what i have .. these things are also going through my head 2... maybe i just want her back because she knows what i have ?.. and it would be easier to not meet somebody new .. and maybe open myself up to more rejection and hurt .. but i'd be hurting more if i took her back? i don't think i'll get back together with her ... i'm not the type of person to forget things like this... and i know this will be a weight that i will have to carry for a long time .. but in time it will heal and i'll be able to move on. (just doesn't feel like it now) I going to have to deal with both the emotional and phyisally scars of this betryal ... but you guys are right ...life goes on ... i must just want to become part of it again. lets hope i can stay strong. thanks for all the advice.
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Go to the coping section and read No Foolin's post about doing NO CONTACT, the long guided walk to no contact. If you can't find it on the first page, scroll down to page two or three. That will help you cope and gain some insight. Stay positive and just know you're better off without her because of what she did to you, gave you too, (sorry about the STD). Its' hard to stay with someone who hurts you all the time. I know you miss her alot.
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