Zeppelin456 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Sorry to start so many threads, but I'm just working through my emotions, out loud. I'm not going to send this, of course. And you don't even have to read it, but it's nice to write it. Dear Marie, It's Thursday February 9th, 11:23 AM and as usual, my mind has turned towards you. At this point, I wish it would stop. I wish I could just forget about you for a while, have no idea that you exist, be completely in the dark. I don't want to forget about you forever, since there are too many good memories that are not worth losing but right now, you're proving to be the centerpiece of a day-to-day battle with myself and I do think you know this. This December, when you told me that you wanted to take a break, I knew it meant you wanted to break up and yet I don't think I knew what was in store for me. I think that sometimes, when people break up, they know it's coming and they have begun to pull out their troops so to speak; they've checked out. Although I knew some things were wrong in the week or two leading up to that day, I did not think it would happen. You assured me yourself that you had no intention of breaking up with me, that you still loved me, that you just wanted space but you still wanted to be with me. I was struggling with this and when you delivered the final blow (to be dramatic), it almost felt like a relief. Of course, it turned out to be a terrible, debilitating action that has forced me to reevaluate myself in almost every way; basically, the last two months have been hellacious at best. People like to comfort me by saying "well you know, there are bigger problems in the world. You'll get some perspective" and to some extent that's true. But when it comes down to it, whether these are "girl troubles" or not, they affect my entire life, every day. One thing that I keep telling myself is that I no longer love you. I think it's true. Sure, I've been pining after you but I think I'm pining for more than just you. I'm pining for a specific time, a specific place, and a specific version of you. We met at the beginning of junior year of high school, in a car. I don't think we said a word to each other the day we met. I thought your hair was nice. I still do. Now it's two years later, the freshman year of college. I miss the old you, MY Marie, the Marie that outwardly didn't care what she wore or if her hair was done right but still looked beautiful. I miss the entire group of friends we had, I miss it being you and I versus everybody else. I miss last summer, when we resolved to grip onto the end of childhood as tightly as we could. We went to the park everyday and played on the swings and biked and played frisbee and ran around and snuck onto the golf course at night and acted generally carefree. I miss that. Hell, I miss childhood. I miss all of these things together becuase everything is completely different now. YOU'RE very different and I know you know this because you like to tell me over and over again, as if it justifies you leaving me. Maybe it does. I'm not sure I would fall in love with you as you are right now. Maybe I would. The point is, I've realized this is bigger than you. Yes I miss intimacy and I miss having someone there for me. Being at school in New York is scary. Hell, life is scary and I'm going it alone for now. Sometimes, it just breaks me down because it's so difficult but I do manage to get through each day and to the next. I want all of those really carefree time back but if I can't have them, I'd like to say I'm glad I shared them with you. Driving cross country with you and Dave and Eva this summer was the best experience of my life, and although it hurts to think about it sometimes, I think that pain will receed and soon I'll be able to remember all of those things more fondly. What I've been asking myself is "After all of this time, have I taken anything tangible out of the relationship?" I think I have. I'm a completely better person. Anyways, you've written me some notes and been generally nice to me, but I know you don't need me anymore. To some extent, I feel abandoned. I stuck with you through every issue you had in high school, through anti-social problems, through everything. I like to believe that I sacrificed a ton to just be with you, putting you ahead of most other things. Perhaps this was a mistake, and I don't know if I'll make it again. As such, I feel somewhat bitter because as soon as I started to have problems at school and as soon as you started to break out of your shell and become more social, you left me. You didn't need me anymore, you used me up, and then you left. I know you don't believe this and I know you wouldn't do that intentionally or with malicious intent but I think that might be part of the reality of the situation. I don't think that I want to be with somebody who does that, conciously or not. We haven't spoken in a week and a half now, which is the longest time since the day I met you. It's very hard for me and I have no idea if it is for you. I know you claim to be set on remaining friends but I'm not sure if you are. You haven't called me, or contacted me. It's okay though, I do need the space now, more than you ever did. Just looking at your profile on facebook yesterday sent me into a bit of a tailspin. Honestly, at the moment, I can't handle knowing how you're doing. I don't want to know if things are good or bad. I don't want to hear from you, I don't want to see you or talk to you. It hurts too badly. It sucks that it has to be that way, but I guess that's reality. Hopefully someday, we can go to the movies and discuss it afterwards, or go hang out at the Bowen playground, but if we can't, at least we did it before. We had a very good time and I want to thank you for that. love, Julian
wendel1 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Thats a cool letter...I didnt detect any begging or neediness there...more of 'i'm letting you go' type of vibe.
Blue in Texas Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I agree. Great letter in that you lay out your feelings. You are right not to send it, but it is pretty clear that you have a clear handle on your thoughts. It's not always easy to achieve such perspective. You will have to ride it out, but I sure hope the pain starts to ease up soon.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 thanks a lot. yeah i've done alot of thinking in the last few months, i feel like this letter sums up what i've achieved, which is why i posted it here. i was skeptical at first but this community has been an unbelievable resource, not even in the sense that people have given ME the greatest or most pertinent advice but that i've been able to read the stories of others and use that as a therapeutic means to learn that i'm not alone. it's good. this is a good place. soon as I'm feeling a bit better, i'd like to return the favor and help others out. okay that's enough.
luvtoto Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 this is a good place. soon as I'm feeling a bit better, i'd like to return the favor and help others out. okay that's enough. Great! Cause I need the help.... Nice letter by the way!
Author Zeppelin456 Posted February 10, 2006 Author Posted February 10, 2006 okay now I'm having second thoughts. Would it be so terrible to send this letter? We've sent each other letters alot in the past...it wouldn't be so terribly out of character. I feel like this isn't me begging as much as it's me attempting to seem lucid. Then again, by even wanting to send it, maybe that proves I'm still a little desperate? helllllp.
luvtoto Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 okay now I'm having second thoughts. Would it be so terrible to send this letter? We've sent each other letters alot in the past...it wouldn't be so terribly out of character. I feel like this isn't me begging as much as it's me attempting to seem lucid. Then again, by even wanting to send it, maybe that proves I'm still a little desperate? helllllp. There are 5 stages of grief that we go through. One of the stages is the bargaining stage. Read up on this stage with a google search and that will help you put your feelings into perspective. I doubt if you'll send it after you learn about this stage. But, sometimes...ya gotta do what ya gotta do. So, good luck either way.
Blue in Texas Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 No. Don't send it. You have to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish. Do you want to get her back? I can't see how this letter would accomplish that. For one thing you say that you are not sure whether it's her or the thought of her that you love. But even if you edit the letter, if it is space she needs, a letter that is sure to affect her emotionally is not the way to go. Is it to achieve closure? Just writing that letter shows that you have achieved that. It really is a great letter. Keep it. Read it to yourself. But don't send it.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 You're right. Thanks. I HAVE gone through that bargaining stage, I feel like I'm (hopefully) done with it. I've made myself pathetic, unnattractive, etc and by not contacting her in the last two weeks, I'm trying to rectify that. When she asked for more space, without breaking up, I freaked out and acted clingy and I think that may be why she ended up breaking up with me in the first place. It's okay though, I'm not going to send the letter. Noooooot going to send......
Blue in Texas Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Way to go, man. Don't wory about what you did in the past. It's not like you are the only one who has done that, and it's over with. You sound like a guy with self-esteem. That's a big part of getting past this.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted February 11, 2006 Author Posted February 11, 2006 Thank you. My self esteem has been sorta shot lately, which sucks. This relationship did wonders for my self esteem while I was in it, I hope that eventually I can take something out of it and get back up to that level. I don't know. I always figured that I was becoming a better person but I just feel like ass right now.
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