Nijhazer Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 What's wrong with me? I've been dating "Sarah" for five years. This relationship has always been long distance-- I'm on the East Coast, she's on the West Coast. We see each other once a year, usually for a week. Communication is essential. So on gift-giving occasions, the most important part of the gifts we send each other is always the card-- that, and any letter or pictures that are enclosed. What sort of gift she actually got me shouldn't matter, since the important thing is that she cared about me enough to send one. But over the past couple years I've been surprised to find that her gifts aren't making me happy anymore; instead, I find them incredibly frustrating. Gifts that I receive from friends and family are always things I like-- things that show that the gift-giver knew me well enough to get me something that matches my tastes. "Sarah" doesn't even try to do this. Last year, for my birthday she gave me a 3M lint roller. For our anniversary, she gave me a wine stopper even though I don't drink. For Christmas, she gave me a cereal bowl. I do like cereal, but I'm pretty sure she got this bowl from PetSmart. I know "Sarah" loves me and that she wants to make me happy. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person, and it shames me to realize how unhappy I am whenever she gets me something. The card is there, she still sends pictures and she's the same beautiful, wonderful woman I've always loved-- why am I feeling like this about gifts? I'm not sure what I should do. Should I try to get used to it, and work harder on being able to act thrilled with the gifts she gives me? Or is this a genuine problem about which I should be concerned? Thank you very much for your advice.
Outcast Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Some people are absolutely lousy at gift-buying. My mom was one of those folks. You're quite right to put more importance on the card than the gift. You might want to buy and read (both of you) Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages book. Pretty interesting stuff. It deals with the different ways people express love, including gift-giving.
ohbrother Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Are the gifts that you give her execptionally better than what she is giving you? I know i have felt that way too when i have bought my gf something very nice only to get something smaller in return but someone has to get the smaller thing right? I wouldnt stress about it too much you are just feeling like you arent getting what you deserve and maybe next time she is about to get a gift like one for your birthday, you could say that you would like something really thoughtful when she asks what you want for your birthday. Im sure she wont give you a bowl if you ask her that I wouldnt say that you should act thrilled. You would just be trying to force change and that wont happen. If you try to force it, no matter what, you are always going to resent her for the fact that she never gets you something meaninful. But all in all though i say dont worry about it too much it really IS the thought that counts.
magda Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Assuming you are not full of it with your post (even though I'm assuming you are), my advice is to discuss why she is giving you presents that a suspiciously similar to promotional gifts and also work on seeing eachother more than 5 weeks in 5 years.
Author Nijhazer Posted February 9, 2006 Author Posted February 9, 2006 Assuming you are not full of it with your post (even though I'm assuming you are), my advice is to discuss why she is giving you presents that a suspiciously similar to promotional gifts and also work on seeing eachother more than 5 weeks in 5 years. Was the insult really necessary? We see each other as infrequently as we do partly because her family keeps her tied to where she is but primarily because both of us are dirt poor, she much more so than I. I don't really care whether or not what she gets me is "better" than what I get her; it's the thought that counts, and her thoughts are particularly precious to me. And I know she's putting plenty of thought into these gifts-- it just saddens me that, judging by what she ends up getting me, she has a poorer understanding of what I like than anyone I've ever known. But you folks are right. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, and if she knew I was feeling this way she'd be very hurt. That's the last thing I want... I want her to be happy. We've been best friends for five years; she knows me better than anyone, and after all this time if this is what she thinks will make me happy, then she's probably not going to change. So I will try to get used to getting gifts like these from her, and will do my best to be excited about them. Thanks again, folks!
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