DatingQuestions Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Hi, over the period of three weeks, I've been on two dates with a guy that I like a lot. He politely cut the first date short even though it went very well and I wanted to do something else. It was supposed to be an "introductory" date, and it did last about two hours long. He emailed me the next day, telling me that he enjoyed our time together. Then I initiated a second date, to which he happily accepted. Again, we both had a good time and the date went well, although he did not flirt with me (same as the first date). We’ve been emailing back and forth about once every day, sometimes once every two days. Talking about daily stuff and sometimes just to say hi. Now my question is, is he just being careful and taking it slowly, or is he actually not that into me? I am not so experienced with the trendy “dating rules” and such, so I’m just curious about this. I understand going slow and steady at the beginning is a good thing, but is there such a thing as being “too slow”? When and how do you know that he is just plain “not into you”?
ve77 Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Experience and my guy friends say the same---If you have to ask then NO he's not into you. If a guy is into you he will initiate the second date or at the very least have initiated a third by now.
cygny Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 yeah i'd say you were his backup girl. someone else or maybe more than one is on the front burner.
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I'd back off abit and see how he reacts to that. Make him stop and think, hmmm, does she like me??? Then if he really is interested you'll know soon.
silverbeamer Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 I agree with whichway... men HATE feel like they are being ignored! Don't respond to an email for a while and see how he reacts. If he's interested you won't even need to send a reply before you hear from him again.
justsomeguy Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Try flirting with him and see if you can get things going towards a more sexual feeling then. I can imagine that sometimes things get too formal and less flirty. He could be into you but need to switch his mindset and mood. No way to know, but if you notice that he isn't flirting enough make sure to do something about it.
DatingQuestions Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 He strikes me as a very mature guy who knows what he wants. He is 40 and is looking for marriage "material", so I wouldn't be surprised that he wants to have a really good feel about me before he gets serious. It’s definitely possible that he has someone else too; in that case, I wouldn’t initiate anything else unless he does. I don’t get the vibe that I’m his backup girl, though. If anything, it may be that he has some other options as well, and is trying to make a decision. So I take it from you all that 3 weeks from the initial contact, something should happen by now, and otherwise he’s not into me. That’s actually surprises me a bit. Dating is so hard!!
DatingQuestions Posted February 9, 2006 Posted February 9, 2006 Not only does he not flirt, he never complimented me either. I think he might not want to seem too desperate or shallow, and doesn’t want me to think he’s only into my looks. I don’t really know how to flirt with him though! I'll work on it.
mrB2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Is this guy shy? I know first hand that in my situation, I was shy and inexperienced (and I would say that I was a p*ssy for not making my intentions known at the beginning)....even though I didn't come out and say I wanted more, I think that she knew. I would initiate the 'dates'. Although, occasionally she would initiate them. And yes, we would email each other every other day. We went on our 'dates' two to three days out of the week. Yes, there was a LITTLE bit of flirting. However, I was too damn shy and not confident in myself to make a move. So, this guy could be shy...that could be why he is taking it slow. I am completely inexperienced in the dating realm. So my situation with my 'friend' I took it way too slow....so slow that she eventually told me that she thought that I wasn't interested in her...and I have been thrown into the friendszone purgatory (maybe someday, but I better not get my hopes up!) What would I do if I were in your shoes....I would make a move. Maybe on a date, you should go for his hand.... Again, I think this guy is very shy....I don't know if self-esteem has anything to do with this, but in my situation it played a big part. I lacked self-confidence. I think she liked me (in fact I know she did, and she still does to a certain extent), but I didn't think that I was worthy of her company...I didn't make a move for fear of 'losing' her as a friend...I pretty much took the cowards way out. I didn't know how much I really loved her till she was gone. I had blown my chances (or whatever slim chances there were) with her by not showing her how much she meant to me.... I bet he thinks that you're fantastic, but he is just to shy and inexperienced to show you. So, if you feel something for this guy, try going for his hand (or something subtle)....he may gather enough courage to do the same.... Good luck MrB
DatingQuestions Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Thanks for the replies. What I've gathered in some of the earlier replies is that I need to play this game with him, like being "unavailable" when he calls or emails. He called me today, and I took your advice and didn't answer. However, I've been thinking, does game playing really work in the end? I mean if he only likes you, or starts to think about you when you have the game going, how real is his feeling after all? Being "unavailable" might make him want me more at the moment, but he wants me only because he thinks he can’t have me. When he eventually gets me, he will lose interest, am I right? Personally, I hate playing games, and I want a mature man that doesn’t do it. I am confused by his action. He is not shy (as mentioned by MrB), and he seems to know what he wants, and is not just fooling around. However, he is VERY slow. My original question was more like, how slow can a guy go without making us feel like he is not interested. He pretty much initiated all the emails and calls, and kept them going on a daily basis (almost). We saw each other twice (both on weekends) over the past three weeks. I wish he can speed things up a little, but may be taking it slowly is not all that bad either. So again, how slow is too slow?!!! So confusing….
cygny Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 it's not typical. usually it's the guy who is into the woman more and she is holding back because she wants to get to know him. but it can be different for each relationship. i think a better question to ask is whether he is too slow *for you*-- my experience is that guys set a precedent at the beginning of a relationship. if he is frustrating you now, it may be just the way he is. so i would advise to focus your thoughts on other men and just let ol' slow-baby simmer on the back burner.
incognito Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Im my experience...a guy that's totally into you will let you know, there's no question about it. They do not wait for you to call them, and they do not wait to tell you they want you. This guy sounds like he's not that into you. I wouldn't play the game. And I would not pursue a guy. If he wants you, he will come get you. And if doesn't, then you don't want him anyway. My 2 cents
Guest Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I don't agree with any of you guys. Maybe he is shy, maybe he is just careful, maybe he's playing games. I don't think he's not into you. he liked the dates. Don't drool over him. Only E-mail him once a week. He's not working hard because he doesn't have to. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you. Besides, daily life isn't that interesting. You want him to wonder who you are, and what you did during the week. Talking once a week is way more interesting the mailing every day. I could write a greta mail about things that happen during the week, but just one day.... well nothing much. Guys going after a girl, by calling her all the time are pathetic in my opinion. I want a girl that puts an equall amount of effort into me as I put into her. I want the game to be fun, and chalenging, but I shouldn't be running after her like a puppy dog. The girls i'm after at the moment made it very clear she like sme, but I didn't do much at first. So she seemedto ignore me. Send her a nice mail, showing my real interest (the thing I didn't make clear) and all of a sudden, nice reply's and suddenly she wants us to meet. I'm not asking her out right away. If she'de ak me out I would say yes immidiately though. So don't worry to much. The only thing that bothers me is the lack of flitrting in your story. In my case there's always eyecontact, lip licking and touching involved. And I think that says more then words.
cygny Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 nah, he ended the first date early and she had to initiate the second one. if he really was into her, he'd be wanting to be with her bodily.
TheSwordfish Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 Well, think about this. I had this girl I likes for two years, we ended up kissing each other. She was all over me (literally) sitting on me. I ended the kiss, and made a new date... to keep things exciting And it worked.... I can tell you that. First date shouldn't be to long. Why would all men be primitive and just wanting to be physical right away? But without flirting, there is indeed something wrong, even though the date is short there should be certain playfullnes and a certain tension. Smiles, laughing and lots of eye contact. There doesn't need to be drooling, but he must be looking into your eyes.
cygny Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 there is no hint of scintillation in her post. he sounds kinda blah. I am taking it all into consideration. of course i could be wrong, but even then i think he is just 'weak' or blah. maybe he wants her to do the chasing but doesn't sound to me like she wants to do a whole lot more than she's done.
basscatcher Posted February 10, 2006 Posted February 10, 2006 I didn't read all the responses but the feeling I got was: He likes you but he doesn't feel the strong connection with you. He can see being friends or go out on casual dates but hes distracted someplace else. I once dated a guy for about 3 weeks. The first few dates there was physical tension between us, we were responsive to one another but there was a distance about him. He was always friendly, polite, attentive to conversation and my presence, agreed to meet up with me and such but I sensed he was kinda distant. I found out months later that he was still hung up on his X and that he was attracted to me and still is but he is still hung up on things with her... That was the problem. He couldn't get fully into me because he wasn't over his X enough. That was a BuMMer for me because I was really really really into him. He is still dating but wont get serious with anyone. He IMd me and admitted all this to me. He apoligised to me for not being fair to me. He said he still isn't ready to get seriously involved with anyone and that he is sorry he hurt me. He told me he is dating but that is it. Sounds to me like your guy isn't fully into you either. He is distracted somewhere...... Ask him..
DatingQuestions Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Well, he called again this morning and asked me on another date. He explained that he’s been really busy with work all this week (I didn’t ask him). About the flirting issue, I am just comparing him to my ex (I really shouldn’t be doing that, but my ex was a super flirt). I would say that we were laughing a lot and there was definitely eye contact, but when he looked into my eyes, I couldn’t really see the “sparkle”. There were no “touching by accident” or any sexual suggestions or hints. About the first date, I believe he felt very bad about it, and made an effort to keep the second date as long as I wanted. We’ll have to see what happens this time, I guess. Any suggestions on what I could do (subtly) to shake things a little?
cygny Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 nope--just be light and breezy and flirtatious but not in a forced way. let him make the moves otherwise you'll never know what's up and you may come off like you're trying too hard, like trying to make something happen.
Guest Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 Wow, this sounds exactly like me. I am shy and terribly unconfident on dates, but in my profession am the complete opposite. I can speak to 250 people without batting an eye. I would say if he has been a gentleman on the dates, like opening doors, offering to pay the bills, etc. he might just be shy. That is how I am and it takes every bone in my body to drudge up confidence. I think the real problem is shyness, because I can't see a guy for any reason being so afraid of physical contact. Unless he is madly madly in love with someone else (which would be the horrible worst case scenario). Maybe make a move the next date or hope he will snape out of it. I would say make the next move, what is the worst that can happen? Hopefully he will think the same thing. P.S. Thanks for writing this topic. It reminded me not to be so much of a wimp when I go out with this girl for the 2nd date soon.
DatingQuestions Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 One more question before I go on the date with him. Should I offer to pay for myself, or may be even for both of us? He usually pays automatically, but I don't want to look like that is expected. There was one time that I offered to pay my share, and he looked uncomfortable. I want to avoid that situation, but I'm not sure why he didn't feel good when I paid for myself. Did he want me to cover him as well, or did he think I shouldn't have offered to pay for myself? Please, any advice is greatly appreciated!
cygny Posted February 11, 2006 Posted February 11, 2006 don't offer to pay, esp for both. he initiated the date and he should pay.
D-Dan Posted February 12, 2006 Posted February 12, 2006 I went on a third date last night - and it became first kiss night. We have both been in failed relationships before, and so taking things slowly seemed the right thing to do. I was respecting her boundaries, and because I do like her, I didn't want to scare her off by being too forward. Perhaps he is doing the same. As for who pays, see what he says. I'm old fashioned and think the man should pay, but it seems more and more women are taking some initiative, so perhaps you should assume you will go dutch until you know differently.
SuperMonk Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 If he seems like he isn't experienced in the dating game, then he'll act the way he does. The ladies tend to think due to their insecurities that if a guy doesn't pursue them, the guy is either gay or not into them. He probably thinks that it's the girl's idea to take the lead or pursue, I don't see that in your post that you went on a "third date" - maybe by then he'll intiating some sort of touching. I wonder if his body language reflects interest as well.
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