Teenage Son and Stupidity - Normal?

[Mariella43]

I don't know what's going on with my 14 year old son but he's doing the dumbest things. Too chatty in his classes, arguing with teachers, sloppy handwriting, not completing all of his homework, getting detentions for sneaking his MP3 player to school and listening to it during class. He got caught downloading anime girls on the internet in his math class (they're cartoon girls in bikinis but a little suggestive).

 

He knows better - is this normal for all common sense and intelligence to go out the window during this age? I have to keep myself from screaming at him "What is wrong with you do you not have a brain?" (I don't say that of course but I feel like it!).

 

I'm a single mom about to lose my mind. I can't trust him at all - he keeps getting caught not only by me but his teachers for stupid stuff. He's a happy kid - no problems - I think he's just wanting to show off for other kids. I dunno - he's continually grounded it seems because it's one thing after another.

 

They say to give teens their space and privacy but I can't trust him - when I trust him I catch him lying or trying to get away with something. I'm dissapointed in him - I thought he'd keep his head clear and focus on school. He's getting a reputation with his teachers and principal as a trouble maker and liar. He gets caught then makes up elaborate lies and manipulations to try and get out of trouble.

 

I'm at my wits end. I need a book of advice for this stage of his life. Teen boys just go stupid when they hit puberty - all sense goes out the window.

[Angel]

Unfortunately many kids go through this, your son is not alone.

 

Some random thoughts came to mind as I was reading your post. I hope you find it helpful.

Does he have contact with his father? He needs a strong male role model at his age to talk to and do things with.

You will not eliminate all negative behavior, but you will be able to stop some of it. Slowing it down or curbing it is equivalent to success.

Is he being supervised between the time he comes home from school and dinner time? This is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. His homework should be done in FRONT of you-----if he is not doing it. You checking it periodically for completeness on a daily basis.

Trust but verify!

 

Hope this was helpful.

[Outcast]

Yep. Recent studies showed that teen brains are developing and the things you see that are 'typical' of teen behaviour have a lot to do with what's going on during the development process. In particular, they can show rather poor judgement which is why the parents are important to help them stay on the right path as they go through these years.

[Mariella43]

My son's father died two months after he was born. I've been raising him alone. I also lost both of my parents and my oldest brother to cancer - I have another older brother but he is no role model for my son. My late husband's family and I no longer speak because at age 6 I allowed them to babysit my son one night. His grandfather got drunk and his half brother tried to molest him. So I cut ties with those people. I've been thru alot and I'm strict and protective to a certain degree - I monitor my son after he gets home from school as I work part-time.

 

I'm a good mother - I do alot of things fathers would do with their sons. I take him fishing, encourage him to be tough, etc. He's all boy - no problem there....... I guess he's a typical teenager. He struggles in school - has some learning disabilities that do seem to affect his self esteem. I'm working on that with alot of encouragement.

 

Since his dad died I've been in two relationships. One was with a high profile cop/detective whom I thought would have been the perfect role model. Despite being great with my son he turned out to be abusive towards me so I ended that relationship.

 

Second relationship was with my late husband's best friend who also has a son the same age as my son and who was divorced. That relationship was ok except his son bullied my son and he wouldn't do anything about it - my son desperately wanted to be accepted by them but he was teased and bullied and made fun of instead of welcomed into that family. His son caused alot of problems and would say to my son "I wish you were dead, you're stupid". The father wouldn't do anything about that other than say "Let them work it out on their own" while pressuring me to move in and get married. Too many red flags and problems and I didn't want to rush into marriage or moving into his house - he got angry and dumped me.

 

I've got good morals, I keep a structured and routine life for my son because he needs that - he's ADD and routine is very important. He's a good kid - he pushes the limits all the time but I'm on top of him steering him back in the right direction.

 

My life has been challenging to say the least - losing my husband, my mom and dad and an older brother all within the last 13 years and trying to raise a son alone with no family support......phew. I guess these next 5 years will test me even more.

 

My son has not been easy to raise - his ADD has been severe. Throw puberty in on top of learning disabilities - I'm being challenged even more. I don't know where to turn for male role models - after two failed relationships dating someone right now would be like having to take care of another kid. I gotta focus on raising my teen to be a decent human being with good character - that's a full time job in itself.

 

Thanks for all your advice - I'm relieved to know this is a stage that shall eventually pass!

[penkitten]

i know it may sound stupid, and i know he might not like the idea however have you ever given big brothers big sisters a shot? or boys and girls town?

 

sometimes you cant tell your mom everything, and with no grandparents, father , siblings or cousins, hes kinda alone.

 

maybe you have one of these in your area.

 

if not, find an interest and get him to an activity.

 

if he isnt into sports or the band, see if he wants to volunteer at the zoo or with elderly. can he work at the movies or a bookstore? at least see if you qualify for a ymca program that is based on income and he can go there and start working out.

you know , alot of boys that get interested in going to the gym meet up with older guys that teach them how to use the equipment and they can get out all kinds of built up frustration.

[Outcast]

Well the ADD adds a whole other dimension. If he's not being treated, you really need to look into treatment. Trust me on this, his life as an adult will be pretty miserable if he hasn't had therapy. The world doesn't deal well with people with ADD and vice versa.

[suegail]

Well, I can tell you one thing without hesitation...if he were my son he would soon be less one MP3 player, (whatever that is) and in fact he'd be lucky if he even had a television to watch. I am short on patience. I'd have to see results. He's in school to get the grades. He needs to buckle down.

 

I know of plenty of kids with ADD and they don't seem to have the least bit of trouble memorizing all their favorite songs or sitting for hours concentrating on video games or music videos, but oh my goodness, they can't learn to read or write....they just can't focus...give me a break.

 

it sounds as if you're doing an excellent job as a mother and in fact much more than many people ever try to do. Keep steering him! Keep after him and don't let up, keep your expectations high, because one day he'll be a much better man for it...

[Outcast]

I know of plenty of kids with ADD and they don't seem to have the least bit of trouble memorizing all their favorite songs or sitting for hours concentrating on video games or music videos, but oh my goodness, they can't learn to read or write....they just can't focus...

 

Unfortunately, you have fallen into one of the misconceptions about ADD. It isn't an inability to focus or concentrate, but it is all but impossible for folks with ADD to focus or concentrate on things that don't interest them much. OTOH, they can and will hyperfocus on things which do interest them, like (duh) video games and songs and music videos. And we know this because of EEG and brain scan patterns, so it's not a matter of discipline.

 

So before you make assumptions about kids with ADD, please read up on the condition. Dr. Marty Kutscher's ADHD E-book is a superb resource for starters.

 

.give me a break

 

How's about you give THEM a break.

[suegail]

thank you for correcting me on that. I am sorry, and you're right, I haven't really done any reading to speak of on the subject.

[tweldy]

I've got a few learning disabilities in my portfolio - ADD and Dyslexia being the two most commonly diagnosed. Part of the problem, and this could be a major issue with your son, is that he's probably pretty bright and bored out of his skull. Public schools often don't teach to people with strong talents and sharp weaknesses; rather, they teach to the average, norm, blah. It can drain the life out of you if you get the concepts but have a hard time doing menial tasks that you know are essentially useless anyways.

 

As for what do to with him, I'd actually recommend trying to see if he can be inspired a little bit. It might help him see the value in jumping though the highschool hoops if he can identify some sort of career that grabs his imagination.

 

Think about what you son does really well. Maybe he's a good speaker and should get into debate. Is he good with math/logic and terrible with reading? Maybe find him a computer science class to take in the evenings at a community college. Perhaps he has some talent and interest in music. Think about your son and his talents. If nothing else it might help you feel better about him while you go through this difficult period.

 

Having a male role model would be great, but that doesn't sound like the reality of the situation for you. It sounds like you and he have been through some seriously challenging times together and really you're the only thing in the world he has been able to rely on, so while being stern with him, don't forget to let him feel loved and cherished.

 

Still, if there is somehow a man you can trust that could spend some time with this would be good too. Its important for a young man to see that other men can be caring and nuturing and show affection towards him and still be 'a man'. Its helps a boy to talk to someone who can really understand their gender issues. Since you're a woman, could you visualize a single father trying to explain menstration to his daughter? No matter how many books he reads and women he speaks to, this insight will never be the same as someone who's been through it.

 

And as for the issue of boys and stupidity, you were a 13 year old girl once. Did you know any 13 year old boys who weren't doing stupid stuff? I did a **lot** crazier things than by 13 than what you wrote about your son and I do okay for myself now, so don't despair.

[Lil Honey]

Tweldy: A most excellent post . . .

 

Mariella: There are a lot of good points made here. I suggest searching for info about different learning styles. You might be able to find his style and help him with his homework.

 

No one is doubting your abilities in raising him. I think you are doing a wonderful job. But, really, he does need a man in his life. Did someone mention a part-time job where he might come in contact with an adult male that will take him under his wing? A job might teach him more about responsibilities and doing things in a given time frame.

[tweldy]

I'm concerneed though that t its really hard for 13 year old to get a job in the usual run of things. HOWEVER, he could intern or apprentice in some skill or profession. As an example, a friend of mine who would fit the description of your child to a "T" got involved in blacksmithing at that age. Yeah, its a little strange, but he made knives, swords, and stuff and sold them. He made good money for a kid and he was totally self directed. He learned from a guy who was pretty rough around the edges and his *ah* potty language was an issue, but it helped him immensely.

 

The focus it gave him a focus in life allowed him to fumble though Highschool and not give up. He got good test scores, and that helped. He got into and did very well in college where he was able to learn on his own and wasn't burderened by a lot routine homework. He worked pretty high in the technology ladder and made enough money to start his own business. He's had trouble in relationships, but now he's found one that really works. Really, don't despair. You child is gifted and if he can tap into that, he can be happy and successful and make it through Highschool.

 

I know "making it through Highschool" is not an attitude that most people would condone, but Highschool isn't everything and for some people making it through is a success. Highschool may help you get into college or a career but it won't help you succeed in that path, at least in my experience. This might be a good point to communicate to your son as well. He may be feeling down about this, but its nothing to be ashamed about.

 

Also, if you're not already, look into support groups for ADD online or in your area. This will probably help you out as a community of people with the same issues as your son. They can provide support and ideas that may bring comfort and solutions you will need.

 

I wish you the best, you sound like a great mom any kid would be lucky to have.

[Roo-bie2]

I am going to encourage you to do some reading the first is "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurain. Then read his book about how girls and boys learn differently.

 

Until you can get those books read this article from NewsWeek. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10965522/site/newsweek/

 

Please get a man/men into your son's life. Statistically he is at risk. Boys with fathers, even poor ones, in there lives are less likely to have problems. Since you don't have a father handy look into Big Brother, Boys/Girls Club, Boy Scouts, Boy Scout Venturers, Civial Air Patrol, or if you are religious someone from your church.

[Touche]

thank you for correcting me on that. I am sorry, and you're right, I haven't really done any reading to speak of on the subject.

 

That was no "correction." You're right to question the ADD diagnosis. There's just as much research debunking the myth of that bogus stigmatizing psychiatric label. It's so sad that the medical community is using these kids as guinea pigs and approving the use of drugs that are more powerful than cocaine.

 

OP, your child sounds perfectly normal to me. He just needs more guidance and help focusing. He doesn't have a disease. That's a normal behavior variant.

 

Please, PLEASE do the research. And please don't give your child drugs. Your child should not be a guinea pig.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Nothing you said he did was stupid. I'd think he'd be kind of weird never to get in trouble at school. That or a loser.

 

Speaking as one just months out of teenagehood--leave him alone. I know it's hard, you think you have to still be his protector and the dominating force in his life, but he doesn't need that anymore. Don't crowd him. He will only resent you for it.

[suegail]

Touche, That is something I have read, that some of the drugs for ADD do have the same effect on the brain as cocaine, and that really worries me. And I do think so many kids are misunderstood because their way of processing information is not easy to work with, and so few teachers have greater abilities.

 

"He barely survived his education. He was told he was an insult to the school, to remove himself, which he did, and went for an educational walkabout in his teens, a drop-out. He was only saved by family friends; he was fortunate in his mentors, who introduced him to popular sciences and to the philosophers, who hauled him back to school and who spoon-fed him before exams. He was also fortunate in the new school, which was ‘progressive’, with a lot of hands-on learning."

 

Who was he? Albert Einstein

[Outcast]

That was no "correction." You're right to question the ADD diagnosis. There's just as much research debunking the myth of that bogus stigmatizing psychiatric label. It's so sad that the medical community is using these kids as guinea pigs and approving the use of drugs that are more powerful than cocaine.

 

This is bullshxt. The 'research' you are speaking of was NOT peer-reviewed proper research. Post some links and I'll debunk every one of them.

OP, your child sounds perfectly normal to me. He just needs more guidance and help focusing. He doesn't have a disease. That's a normal behavior variant.

 

You don't know one fuxking thing about ADHD and you have NO right to go about spouting your uneducated opinions on a serious medical subject such as this.

 

Please, PLEASE do the research. And please don't give your child drugs. Your child should not be a guinea pig.

 

The most popular med for ADHD has been around for FIFTY YEARS and is one of the MOST studied drugs ever made. Again, it is dangerous and worse to speak when you know nothing. How DARE you scare someone like that when you have nothing but your 'opinion' and some bogus 'studies' to back you up?

 

You want research? Check Harvard, NIH, the Mayo Clinic, add.org and Chadd.org. Check REPUTABLE MEDICAL SITES not bullcr@p posted by bogus 'physicians' with axes to grind. Do you realize that most anti-psych meds types are Scientologists? Yep, the Tom Cruise School of Psychiatry.

 

You cannot believe 'something you have read' unless it was written by someone who knows what the hell he's talking about and has proper science to back it up. Never EVER believe something just because 'you read it'.!!!!!!!!!!

[inconsiderado]

at least he's not knocking off liquor stores...he needs to grow up (which is part of being a teenager, usually goes from age 13-19 [the appropriately titled 'teen' years], and the powers that be at his school need to lighten up. news flash: teenagers, especially teenage boys, do stupid s***. it's best to get it out of their system you they don't experience what i call the 'delayed stupidity effect' and ruin their adult lives.

[HokeyReligions]

Others have said what I would have said. He sounds like a normal teenager. Big Brothers might be a good idea so that he can have a male role-model in his life. Also encourage a hobby or getting involved in a club in school. Something that he can take pride in and see his accomplishments. Be firm with him, but don't oppress him. Allow him to express himself and talk to him openly about earning each other's trust. Reward him when he earns it - not necessarily by material gifts, but maybe by an extended curfew for a special occasion. If he's into music maybe there is an instrument he would like to learn to play? Know who his friends are and encourage them to be constructive together. I took my son and his friends to a concert and sat two rows in front of them so that they could see me and know I wasn't watching them. I thought they were a little young for such a thing, but they earned it and their parents agreed, and they earned my respect too - because I was a bit worried that they would try to sneak off or something and I wouldn't find them after the concert. I trusted them and they didn't let me down. I never told them my fears of course!

 

Most of all, find some time for yourself and don't let yourself worry all the time! Your stress will be apparent to him in ways that will surprise both of you.

[Ladylay]

My son's father died two months after he was born. I've been raising him alone. I also lost both of my parents and my oldest brother to cancer - I have another older brother but he is no role model for my son. My late husband's family and I no longer speak because at age 6 I allowed them to babysit my son one night. His grandfather got drunk and his half brother tried to molest him. So I cut ties with those people. I've been thru alot and I'm strict and protective to a certain degree - I monitor my son after he gets home from school as I work part-time.

 

I'm a good mother - I do alot of things fathers would do with their sons. I take him fishing, encourage him to be tough, etc. He's all boy - no problem there....... I guess he's a typical teenager. He struggles in school - has some learning disabilities that do seem to affect his self esteem. I'm working on that with alot of encouragement.

 

Since his dad died I've been in two relationships. One was with a high profile cop/detective whom I thought would have been the perfect role model. Despite being great with my son he turned out to be abusive towards me so I ended that relationship.

 

Second relationship was with my late husband's best friend who also has a son the same age as my son and who was divorced. That relationship was ok except his son bullied my son and he wouldn't do anything about it - my son desperately wanted to be accepted by them but he was teased and bullied and made fun of instead of welcomed into that family. His son caused alot of problems and would say to my son "I wish you were dead, you're stupid". The father wouldn't do anything about that other than say "Let them work it out on their own" while pressuring me to move in and get married. Too many red flags and problems and I didn't want to rush into marriage or moving into his house - he got angry and dumped me.

 

I've got good morals, I keep a structured and routine life for my son because he needs that - he's ADD and routine is very important. He's a good kid - he pushes the limits all the time but I'm on top of him steering him back in the right direction.

 

My life has been challenging to say the least - losing my husband, my mom and dad and an older brother all within the last 13 years and trying to raise a son alone with no family support......phew. I guess these next 5 years will test me even more.

 

My son has not been easy to raise - his ADD has been severe. Throw puberty in on top of learning disabilities - I'm being challenged even more. I don't know where to turn for male role models - after two failed relationships dating someone right now would be like having to take care of another kid. I gotta focus on raising my teen to be a decent human being with good character - that's a full time job in itself.

 

Thanks for all your advice - I'm relieved to know this is a stage that shall eventually pass!

 

Omg you poor poor thing. All teens are rebels, but your guy has so much emotional baggage.I will pray for you & your son, In this dark time.

[Guest]

everyone has pretty much given good advice but i would advise you to refrain from letting your son hear you say he is being stupid or doing dumb things. hopefully you havent approached your son to talk about the things he is doing, and calling him or the things he is doing stupid or dumb. when you talk to him, maybe find a different and less offending type of words to replace "dumb" and "stupid" with.