Is there hope?

[Nur]

Hmm. Those ideas sound good, maybe, if he is withdrawing on you, but usually I find the passive-aggressive stuff is pretty harmful in the end.

 

I treat my relationship with a mix of logic and feelings. When something's wrong, we talk about it. It usually brings us closer. Most of the time, we are happy together. I really don't know if playing games like that would grow tiring to the guy. Isn't there a point where you are done being "chased" and admit that you return the feelings?

 

Shouldn't that be a basis of a long-term relationship -- mutual love and respect? If I have a problem, or vice-versa, we try to fix it for each other. I don't ignore him to get more attention (on a large-scale basis, anyway)... I would only do that once or twice if I'd already talked to him about it, and nothing was any different.

 

But I think trying to psych your boyfriend out long-term would be damaging. It'd be better to work together, openly, than to try to manipulate. I know that if my boyfriend was pulling that stuff on me, I'd get sick of it pretty quickly.

[BeFree]

Oh I would never trick or manipulate. But what I did do in the past, was call too often and seem way to eager and if he pissed me off, I would go on and on about it. What I learned is that men react differently to long conversations about the relationship. Now ,if Tony does something that upsets me, I simply say "it bothered me when you did____and I would appreciate it if you could ___ in the future." Then I drop it. It has been way more sucessful than talking about my feelings for 20 minutes. It's as if they are bart Simpsons dog, they hear the first few words and the rest is garbled. Now that we have been togeether for over 3 years, I would never do any of that first dating advice, like not taking a date if they don't give you three days notice. SO you just choose which things are effective. For me, It has been really effective to just step back and not fret if he calls. Keep busy with the things I love. Not just for him to notice but for my self esteem too. I feel so much better about myself when I let him to the calling. It reminds me that he is in love with me and he does want to talk to me. So take from it what may help, and leave the rest behind. There is no magic pill.

[Tangerina]

Hmmm.... thanks so much again for the recommendation.... I am trying some of the things in there and already I am feeling better..... basically, I am letting him come to me... I just stopped calling him because often I would call and he wouldn't be that into talking and I would feel disappointed... now that I have stopped calling, however, I have heard from him for at least a quick on almost every day and I am feeling so much better because I know each time we talk it is because he was thinking about me and made the effort... same with AIM..... I also have been mindful not to nag him about things or to pout if he can't do something I want, like come visit me on a specific day, and he has been a lot less mopey because of it.....

He made a casual comment during an unrelated conversation this weekend about how he likes it when I am strong and stand up for myself and am outspoken and he wishes I did it more often... this has come up randomly at different times with him pointing out in some way that he really would appreciate it if I was more... well... "bitchy"... Now I am finally seeing that he is right but it feels good because I realized it and am dealing with it on my own terms... I am doing it for me and not for him but it is helping my relationship with him at the same time... I am just realizing that I was too clingy and afraid of change or loss in my last relationship and I felt myself on the threshold of that in this relationship but right before it sucked me in I said "no, I am smarter than this now, I learned my lesson!" and I am pulling myself back out..... never again will I be so afraid of losing someone that I will bend over backwards for them, especially when they haven't even asked me to!

[BeFree]

Gurl, I am so proud of you. I love that book too! It's amazing, how simple it really is. I wish I had read that book ten years ago. Glad I was able to recomend something that worked. Now you go and enjoy your valentines day, even if he doesn't believe in it!

[Nur]

Well, I sort of took the book's general advice -- live your own life completely first.

 

I used to make sure all my homework was done and be half-listening for his call all evening. I'd carry my cellphone in case he called earlier. If all day passed with no word, I'd feel hurt and lonely.

 

Well, this weekend something happened that sort of changed my outlook. I almost forgot my cellphone at home. In fact, I thought I HAD forgotten it. At first the thought horrified me, but then I thought, "What's the big deal? I'll just have more time now to do stuff that I want to do."

 

That outlook sort of stuck. Yesterday he left a voicemail saying he might not be able to call later on, and I shrugged it off. For once I did my studying and homework without an ear half-perked to listen to the phone. Ironically, I was checking my voicemail again later that evening, and saw him calling, and accidently hung up on him while trying to accept the call. Instead of calling him back right away, I just stuck the phone back in the charger and kept on with my work, figuring if he calls back, whatever, and if not, whatever.

 

I like this new outlook. Yeah, I feel sort of cold and distant, but I'm more independent. Today I have my phone on silent to keep it from distracting me, and yesterday when my boyfriend asked what would be a good time to call, I told him I'm busy today (which is true) and I might or might not call when I get some free time. It sort of reversed the roles -- always before it's been him being the busy one who "might" call. I don't think he liked being on my end much.

 

I'll probably call him for five or ten minutes in the late evening, if it's not too late, since it's Valentine's Day and everything. Then tomorrow I planned just to keep my phone on silent all day, and turn it on again Thursday, a day when I have more free time. I've noticed he's started calling a lot more frequently when I don't answer the phone every time.

 

I just hope I'm not taking this too far. It's really nice on my end, with the tables turned, having him calling me all the time, and only answering it when it's convenient or when I'm not out with friends having fun. But will he keep calling? Or will he just go back to his old ways and we just won't talk all week?

 

Well, I'm happier now. I just don't know if it'll last. What do you think the book would recommend to me to do?

[Tangerina]

That's cool, that is pretty much what I did this last week and it helped me to begin to gain confidence in his interest again.... It is hard in these weekend relationships where there isn't a lot of day to day interaction or the physical connections or glances and body language that just let you automatically know they are interested so it all has to happen in words.... it sounds like you are doing the right thing... you don't have to really take it farther than you need to to reassert your independence and make yourself feel happy... it really shouldn't be a manipulative game, but just do what you are doing, give him the chance to miss you and give him the opportunity to show he cares by not being the first to call and use up that day's opportunity..... good luck.... I don't know about you, but when you started this post I was feeling really down on my relationship because he was waffling about being afraid about not being single, and it sounded like you had your own set of problems... something I have realized in the last week is that I am not stuck with this guy and I don't have to put up with this if I don't want to... of course I love him to death and wouldn't go down without a fight, but I realized the best thing I could do was to show him in subtle ways that although I am overjoyed to be sharing this with him, my world wouldn't end if I didn't have him... when I am clingy I have found guys waffle a lot more because they know I am not going anywhere.... when you are independent they are afraid to rock the boat because they are intrigued and they do realize they could lose you if you don't feel valued..... I tried crying and talking about how it made me feel when my BF told me things like that and he was really sensitive and into the conversation for about 5 minutes and then was like "oh, I'm glad we had this talk" and it was like over for him but I still felt like crap.... it is true, with many people going on about feelings doesn't get you anywhere after a certain point. NExt time he brings it up I feel like I can just say... "well, you know how I feel, there is nothing I can do about it for you so either let's break up if this relationship no longer does it for you, otherwise if this relationship is what you know you want then please just aknowledge the fact that your doubts are there but stop worrying about them and start focusing on the good things that you have... I don't want to hear about it again unless it is to tell me that you are getting over your doubts, or to tell me they got worse and we need to break up... otherwise, I don't want to worry over something I can't fix for you..." That is a big step for me since I have always been so afraid of losing a guy that our arguments end up being "please be nice to me, please make me feel secure..." Luckily there aren't many arguments or issues with my current guy, but I would like to be able to hand the ones that there are better than with my last boy...

Sorry, I kinda started waffling about my own stuff again... I keep doing that.... The point it, get what you need out of this idea, there is no magic pill as BeFree said.... like, I sincerely doubt that my BF even noticed even a fraction of the difference that I have felt in myself.... Really I am doing these things for me because they make me feel more confidant and happy which in turn will make the relationship better because I am better....

[Nur]

Yeah, I feel a lot happier. It's not that I am being unfeeling or ignoring him, I am just turning my phone to silent when I'm busy, and not spending my day half-listening for the phone. Mostly I'm trying to be less "demanding" as I was before. I realized that if I am going to be all clingly and having my feelings so easily hurt, he won't be able to do anything to fill that. I just needed to change my attitude. If he calls when I'm not busy, I'll gladly talk to him. But I need to stop molding my life around that phone.

 

He even does the same, to an extent... if he's at the library doing homework, he'll have the phone off. So I don't think I'm being unfair doing the same. Now he'll be calling me purely because he wants to, not out of some sense of obligation. I feel a lot freer and happier now that I am more focused on what I want and need to do, and not sitting around missing him or wondering what he's doing.

 

And I think he senses that; and for some reason, it makes him want to talk to me even more. I really like the feeling of being able to say, "I'm really busy tomorrow, I might or might not be able to talk." Usually he'd be the one to say that, and I'd feel sort of a twinge of disappointment. Now, instead of dropping everything when I AM busy to answer the phone, I'll play his game. I think it's too much expecting him to change enough to suit my old expectations. I've transferred my feelings for him to a lower-key setting, so to speak, and am trying to grow confidence without any expectations, or with low ones. That gnawing emptiness is gone, and I am trying to enjoy the "now" more, and be more social at school instead. I hope it works!

 

I'm still holding him to the lateness thing, though. He better be a damn good boyfriend when I do see him -- and on time.

[Walk]

I think you're approaching this the wrong way. Sounds to me as if you are actively creating space, and possibly harming your relationship instead of working to build it. I may be wrong. If you're not happy with his actions then do what you feel is right. It's important that you are happy in your own life, and not dependant on him for your happiness.

 

But. I'm not understanding this need to have him call and talk to you constantly. You said you talked to him 4 hours in 4 days. An hour a day? 7 months into my relationship my bf and I were talking maybe 15-20 minutes a day. Many days we'd send one text message wishing the other a good night, and that was it. I only saw my bf on the weekends too, and sometimes he'd be much later then he'd planned. To me, these aren't a big deal.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting these things, but it seems you want a hell of a lot of attention all of the time. Would you be happy if the two of you only talked once a day for 5 minutes? Maybe I'm reading your too much into your posts? What exactly would make you happy, and feel secure in this relationship? Should he have to call you every day? And how long does he have to talk to you in order for you to feel confident he loves you? 10 minutes? An half an hour? I'm asking because I'm not sure I understood correctly what you are asking him for. Like how often, how long, how much.

 

I guess I don't quite understand where you're coming from. Times when I feel dissapointed in someone is when they promise they will come see me and then don't show. Or say they will call at a specific time and forget. But it doesn't sound as if that is the case with your bf.

 

It sounds to me as if you are being vindictive at this point. Attempting to punish him for not continuing to chase you. And it seems to me you want it to be exactly like it was at the start of the relationship. But that takes an incredibly amount of effort from BOTH parties.

 

To me... from what you've described, I think you are asking for more then your fair share. That you're being demanding and inflexible. (I may be wrong, I only have what you've written to go off of.) Each person feels differently about what constitues showing love. For instance, I think hugging/kissing your partner shows love. My bf feels it's making sure that the person is eating right, and has things they need. I have to understand that when he takes me out to dinner, that this is his way of showing he loves me. I can ask for the hugs and kisses too, but I'm never going to change how he views showing love. Either I accept it, or I find someone who's views on showing love are more compatible with mine. That sounds like the situation you are in. You either need to understand and accept his way of showing love, or find someone who is more compatible with your view.

 

You can't monumentally change someone's perception on their idea of how to show love. I could understand if you were upset with him because he wouldn't answer your phone calls, or wasn't there when you needed him. But from what you're describing, he sounds like he's been spot on with that. Taking care of you when you are down, trying to help you as best he could. That shows true love. Devotion. You're looking a gift horse in the mouth, and demanding it be pedigree stock. I'm not saying your asking for too much, but if you don't like the gifts he gives, then find a better horse. You're not being fair to him, and you're hurting him in order to get back at him because you hold a view that he does not share. That isn't fair to him.

 

Relationships involve comprimise. Not ultimatums. You're telling him how it will be, and if he won't accept it then you aren't going to answer his calls. He will call you X amount of times a week, and talk to you X amount of time, or you'll give him the cold shoulder. You don't need to completely alter what you are asking for, but comprimise with him. That's the key. If two times a week to talk to him is not enough, then comprimise on something in between what you want, and what he can give.

[Nur]

I think you are misunderstanding, Walk.

 

I would be happy with ten minutes a day. That's fine with me. The four-hour four-day thing was an example of an extra-special occasion that made me delighted to be able to speak with him so much. But usually it's not like that, and that's fine.

 

You are also misunderstanding my new perspective. I am not "giving him the cold shoulder" I am just re-forming my life around myself, not bending over backwards or scheduling all of my homework around the phone. Like I said, if I am done with what I need or am not with friends and he calls, I'd gladly answer. But I will not do as I did before, and drop everything to run to the phone, or feel hurt when he can't call. I said I'll focus on my own life first, and let him call when it's convenient, and answer when it's convenient. He turns his phone off while doing homework -- now I'll do the same.

 

I'm adapting to his wants and lifestyle. I am being LESS demanding. I don't think that's a problem, since my demandingness is going away. I just don't think it's healthy spending my life waiting for the phone to ring, then being deeply hurt when it doesn't. Instead I'm putting less importance on that, and enjoying college.

 

Yeah, it's not an "ultimatum" or a "cold shoulder." It's just forming to his own patterns. I don't think it's right for him to expect me to be hovering by the phone every second when he turns his off during homework. I'm just backing off, and doing the same, so he won't feel like I am demanding anything from him, and I won't feel ignored or rejected if he doesn't have time. I'll just shrug and go hang out with friends.

 

I can see your concern if I was doing this to hurt him, but I'm not. My concern was that he might be hurt as a side effect, but it is not the purpose. The purpose is to bring balance to my own life, and return the focus to me and to what I need to get done. I still love him the same, and I know he loves me, but I don't think either of us should need constant reassurance or proof. If I felt like he was purposely not calling me, it would be different. But I understand that he's busy, and so am I. There is no bitterness in me, or gnawing lonliness. I'm a lot happier now that I've been focusing on my own studies and making time to be with friends more, not pining over the phone.

[whichwayisup]

Good for you Nur! I'm glad that you're putting more time into YOU and your needs. Because it's long distance it is harder to maintain the relationship, but as long as BOTH of you want it and desire eachother, the rest will just fall into place.

 

You looking out for you is good too, now you won't be hurt. Exactly as you said it. You don't want to make him the complete centre of your universe and then be crushed when he isn't there as much as you want him to be. It's a healthier and wiser place you're in now!! Good for you!!

[Nur]

I'm glad at least you think I'm doing the right thing, WWIU. It feels right to me. Before my emotions always felt so tenuous (illogically, since my mind knew perfectly well that he loved me -- there was no doubt) and I'd find myself rarely satisfied... mostly upset or hurt.

 

This feels better. My love for him hasn't left, and there is no malice or spite in me... just pragmatism, I guess. I know I still need to make some time to talk with him (I don't want him to feel ignored, like I did, or think that something's wrong) but it's not what my mind is wrapped around all the time. Over the past couple of days I've been a lot more social, getting to know new people and making new friends, and have tried to spend more time with them, not in here being bored and lonely.

 

I don't want to make my boyfriend overly accomodate himself to suit me, especially when even then I never found happiness. Expecting someone else to fill some sort of lonliness in my life is wrong. I need to focus on my own happiness before being a good girlfriend, which is what I am trying my best to do.

[BeFree]

I am so proud of all of us. Thank you baby jesus for that book. If someone does not understand what we are talking about, they should buy it themselves and try it out. Their boyfriends would be treating them better in no time. Girls, here is to US!!!

 

I know the flowers are coming, the florist called to get my companies name. But where are they???? Damn.

[Tangerina]

HAHA, I got a fuzzy pink bear, the boy did figure out V-day after all! And I got a "Happy V-day I was thinking of you when can I see you again? Sure, I will drive to visit you on monday!" phone call which is exactly what I have been going for in all of this... excitement and interest and effort on his part, yay!.... Good luck with those flowers, BeFree...

 

Good job, Nur, it is cool to hear you are feeling more confidant, me too and it is awesome!

 

Haha, thank you baby jesus for that book... I like that phrase... yah, when I was feeling really low that book kind of was the catalyst for me to get my head on straight and realize I was focusing on the wrong things... I can't wait til her next book comes out called "Why Men Marry Bitches..." cuz honestly a lot in the first book didn't feel applicable since we are already in a committed relationship... such as the advice about first dates and not making him food or whatever... so it will be neat to get that perspective on long-term relationship situations.... Anyways, happy Valentines Day.....

[Nur]

You know... I think I sort of AM creating space, or withdrawing.

 

On the good side, it's made my "neediness" go away. I no longer sit around the phone, waiting for him to call. I spend my time doing homework, don't think about him as much, and purposely go out of my way to be extra social, and plan to do things with friends.

 

It's a sort of distraction. And it works. I am a lot happier. But I don't like the feeling of satisfaction I have when he calls while I'm busy with homework, and I don't answer. It's like I am going too far in the other direction. And yet... part of me is savagely happy. And the other part of me feels like this social activeness is synthetic... after all, would I do it if not trying to fill up my time so I don't miss him?

 

And it's hard to sound happy talking to him. It's like part of me is resentful, so I don't sound in a great mood. And he's very keen on picking up on my voice tones. Yesterday he asked me if I was allright, and I said I was sick (I was, but I knew that wasn't the reason I sounded as I did).

 

This method is working in that I have more time to spend with friends, am less distracted, am being more independent, and am working hard to find happiness during my time away from him. I'm trying hard to avoid sitting lonely in my dorm, and doing fairly well at it.

 

The method is failing in that I have sort of a wall blocking away my wanting-to-talk-to-him-all-the-time tendencies, and the result is that I feel colder and more distant toward him. It's like I am afraid to go back to how I was before, because all of the problems might come back, too. I guess that part of me is hoping that I can worry about one thing at a time, and the thing I am worrying about now is finding a solid, real method of happiness during the week. Then, when I do talk to him, I'll be happy and without lonliness, bitterness, or regret. Only love. That is my ideal, and that is what I am striving for.

 

Do you think I should tell him that I don't want to talk for a few days, so I can concentrate on focusing on my own needs and making myself happy? I planned just to turn my phone to silent, but then I get distracted wondering if he feels hurt or lonely that I am not picking up, and I don't want that. I am not doing this to hurt him, but trying to get my own life set up while also fighting the old unhealthy wants and tendencies is really hard if he keeps calling me. It's too easy to fall back into how I was before.

 

I think a healthy relationship should feel like people love and care for each other without needing to prove it. They should talk for a few minutes if they can, but carry a warm feeling in their hearts while together or apart. They should not miss each other extensively... only maybe the occasional, "I wish you were here," while on the phone. I tend to obsess over things, and I think that's what I was doing with the phone calls. I know he is happy and content, and doesn't miss me with pain, but with happy longing. I want so badly to feel that way as well.

 

That's all this is. I am just looking for a way to find that, after trying so many routes. At first it was, "Just ignore your feelings; you shouldn't have them." Then it was, "Get him to call you more; if he called, you wouldn't feel this way." And now I am following the advice so many people have given me: "Get your own life down, and don't try to make him be the sole source of your happiness."

 

I hope I am doing the right thing... Should I tell him to give me a few days? I have never tried anything like this before, but his calls are distracting. I don't want him to feel ignored or hurt or like I am mad at him. I just need some space to get myself set up before I can learn to incorporate him in a healthy manner.

[BeFree]

Nur,

 

you went from one extreme to another . If you want space ask for it. But I think you are doing right by just putting yourself first. Why do you feel resentment? Are you thinking about his past lateness? Maybe you could test him out. Keep doing what your doing but still be happy to talk to him. Make plans and then if he is late again, then let him know you want a few days to yourself.

[Nur]

I didn't really change extremes... the happiness I was talking about earlier is still there, but now this bad, negative feeling is creeping in.

 

It's not really resentment... I should probably have said just "cold." The effort of concentrating on other things and suppressing my needy side has required that I distance myself a little bit from him. It is my hope that I will re-cross that gap I've created once I have successfully found happiness in my own life, but it's really hard to do both. It's either (right now) focus on me and my happiness, or make him the center of my happiness.

 

After a few days or even another week or two, I will hopefully have gotten more comfortable with finding happiness in my own friends and studies, and not feel this gaping hole where his calls should be. Only then, I think, will I have the foundation required to incorporate him healthily into my life -- not as a subsitute, but as an addition to my happiness.

 

It'd just be easier if I could do this without his calls at all for a while. Once I genuinely feel content, and do not spend time missing him with any pains or aches inside, just sort of an inner smile, then I'll know I'm ready.

 

I hope that I am making the right decision... what I came up with in my above post. I will make sure and explain that I am not mad at him at all, I just need my concentration. Otherwise I'll never know if it's genuine happiness I have with my life, or if his calls are still supplementing it. I shouldn't "need" him to be happy.

 

Think I am doing right? I'll probably call him late tonight, and tell him I won't be talking the rest of the week... of course, we'll still spend a lot of the weekend together.

[BeFree]

I think you are doing the right thing, if it feels right. If you are feeling happier, go with it.

 

As for my Valentines.....Bad day. My BF is away for week for the next two weeks, he has already been gone one week. It's been a long time since he traveled last. He used to travel all the time, but had a break for about the last 8 months. So long story short, we have not been getting along this week. It's hard for me to get in the grove of him being gone. He sent me flowers, and I waited for them ALL DAMN DAY. The gift I sent him arrived one time. But the flowers for me, never came. At 5 pm I finally left, my co-worker called at 6:00 pm to say they finally came. Damn. My BF called me at 7:00 p.m. Didn't say anything about his gift, until I finally asked. The he said, "oh yeah, I got something thanks" That's IT!! I freaked out. The combination of lonely, PMS, V- day, and waiting all day for those damn flowers, put me over the edge! I said "you got something from me, that's all you have to say, at least you got your gift.!" And I hung up. Ugh. I am going back to my glass of wine. Here's to cupid, and those damn flowers!

[Nur]

Well, I decided not calling at all would be too much... it'd be good for my concentration, yeah, but there's no way I could explain that to him without him feeling hurt.

 

Tomorrow I promised to call him when I have time... I like this set-up, because it gives me freedom and is more of a balance of who has to wait for the call. If I call him Tues and Wed since I am busy those days, and he calls Mon and Thurs, that would be more even.

 

Today I called him pretty late (he filled up my whole inbox with messages in the meantime -- it seemed he missed me a lot more when I wasn't picking up every time) and he kept saying how much he loves me, and tons of sweet things, when lately our conversations have been pretty dull and mundane. It was a nice turn-around. He told me that he was waiting all day, hoping I'd call, and by the time I did he had already given up hoping that I would. I think it was the first time he experienced the feeling I was so familiar with. I said, "Yeah, I know how that feels." He told me he was sorry.

 

But I like this. I'm busier during the day, and happier. Talking to him doesn't complete my day, or make it, but it is like an added frosting on an already good cake. It's a much better feeling than sitting around wondering why he didn't call or feeling rejected or ignored. I told him that now I am trying to be less demanding, and have my day be happy and complete whether I talk to him or not.

 

Somehow, I got the impression that he's suddenly a lot more eager to talk. Go figure.

 

Anyway, I'm glad that he puts so much importance on talking to me. I can kind of see where he was coming from before. When you're busy with life, and having fun all day, it's easy to forget that the person on the other end might have hurt feelings when you don't make time to call. I told him that there are five or ten minutes in anyone's day, no matter how busy.

 

I hope this works out. Hopefully he won't feel pressured or that I am being demanding, but genuinely want to talk. He even asked me when I'd call tomorrow, so he can wait for it. Hopefully I will find happiness in my own life, not mold it around his. Really, I am surprised I let it get like that. Usually being needy or demanding is not in my personality... I read something on counter-dependency and I am a lot closer to that in almost every way than to co-dependency. This "new" outlook is really a lot more natural (and comfortable) to my personality.

 

I've got to be careful to make sure he doesn't get hurt and go through what I went through. But after I get accustomed to finding my own happiness, like he has, then hopefully speaking to each other will be a source of pure joy, not bitterness, loneliness, or resentment. It will become what I've always wanted it to be. After seven months of trials and searching, I really hope I can make this new outlook work. It's been what my mom's been saying all along, but I never believed her. "Go out, find your own happiness; don't wait for the phone to ring." I always thought I'd have to distance myself emotionally from him, or bring up bitter feelings for that to work, but I was wrong. I can love him just as much... just focus on other parts of my life as well. It was like I was expecting him to fill up all of my social needs, and I don't think that's right.

 

In time, I hope a balance will come.

[Tangerina]

Y'know, that happened to me too... when I stopped being the one to call he got more interested.... I mean, he would always be happy to talk to me, but for a few weeks I didn't hear an "I miss you" or "when can I see you?" or "wish you were here" and it was really getting to me cuz I felt like he wasn't thinking of me much.... now every day this week I have heard something like that from him and it feels good! Now I just wish I hadn't left a drunken incoherent message on his cell phone last night, haha..... so much for rebuilding the mystery and intrigue.... HAHA

[BeFree]

So the flowers must have came after I left the office. this morning I got here and in my office is balloons, roses, a teddy bear, chocolates and a card with a big fat I Love you! Oh man am I a bad person. this always happens to me. Why do I always expect the worst and fall apart, then he always comes through with the very best. I am a fool!

[Tangerina]

I do that too....

Sorry about you flowers story!

[Tangerina]

Woah, ok... so I stopped e-mailing my BF last week.... the whole stepping back, reducing clingyness thing.... usually I send him a few a week and I get a reply to an e-mail maybe every 3 weeks... well, for the first time in litterally 3 or 4 months he sent me a romantic e-mail without me sending him anything first.... it is really funny too cuz he talks about a message I left him last night... I remember calling him but was really embarassed cuz I have no idea what I said on account of drinking with friends...

 

Hello beautiful dream of red hair,

 

I had a very beautiful day today. I heard your message from yesterday after I got our of school and the sound of your voice made my whole head feel happy. My eyes got wide and my face upturned when you giggled. I want you to know that I love your sweet beautiful mind and body. When you said you wanted to do things with me I smiled and when you talked of humping I thought of how much I'd like that. Aside from that, I wanted to tell you how much I appriciate your kindness and sincerity with me, and those I see around you. I feel very lucky to be sharing time with you (however far apart).

 

Things went well for me with my chem test, plus I got to skateboard and there was no ice so I didn't break myself.

 

 

 

I look forward very much to seeing you agian this weekend. I hope to see you smile, your good at it;).

 

 

Wow!!! "I feel lucky to be sharing time with you" is a far cry from the... "I miss being single" thing he was going through a few weeks ago...

 

I have no idea if doing the un-clingy thing has really made that big of a difference or if maybe he has been this good the last few weeks and I just didn't notice because I was obsessing over the "miss being single" thing.... probably a little bit of both... don't get me wrong, he is great in general and always has been. but I had felt his interest fading for a bit... like the excitement was gone and it worried him... when we were together things were mostly good, but during the week they would be really lackluster... it feels good to have him demonstrate his excitement again, and to have him show me he is thinking of me....

[Tangerina]

PS I am going to give him a very nice reply... I am not ignoring him, just letting him come to me first for a change...

 

PPS I feel wierd that I posted his e-mail... I just felt like it demonstrated a main point made in this thread and it made me so happy to get it because I felt like the "bitchiness" really was paying off.... but now that I think about it was kind of wierd to post it... oh well, won't let me remove it and we are all anonymous anyways....

[Nur]

Hello beautiful dream of red hair

 

Aww... that's sweet. But humping... how romantic

 

Well, glad he's coming to you for a change. I'm working out a balance where neither of us feel ignored, but I don't feel clingy either. Where whenever I call he feels happy and lucky to hear from me, not think to himself, "Groan, not again." Tonight when I called, he told me I made his night!

 

Tomorrow I'm going to try to make sure and be busy with friends, so I can banish any temptations to return to my former clingy self. I think I'll be in a better mood when I do talk to him that way -- in the middle of having fun, not angry that he took so long.

[Tangerina]

Yah, HAHA.... I think in my drunk phonecall I said something along the lines of we should get together and do some humping.... I must have said some sweet things too cuz he seemed really happy... haha... it is kind of our joke to call having sex "humping" because my mom hates when people say humping (as in "oh no, that dog is humping that guy's leg"... if you say that she goes ewwwwwwwwww, don't use that word)....

 

YAY, and my feisty new red hair streaks came out awesome!

 

That is awesome Nur, way to go....

 

Haha, somehow it is randomly comforting that there is an anonymous girl going through the same thing as me somewhere in the internet, haha....