Is there hope?

[Nur]

Please, if any of you have had experiences similar to this with a SO, I'd like some advice.

 

I love my boyfriend, but often that love has been conflicted with pain; a constant rollercoaster. We've been dating seven months, and when we are together I can tell he loves me deeply. When I am sick or upset he is right there to support me and cheer me up. He's fun to be with, handsome, hard-working, and a delightful person. But he's not perfect by any means.

 

There has always been a problem of unreliability with him. I used to be excited and happy when he'd be supposed to come over, but he would virtually never show up on time. Usually he'd be between 45 minutes and an hour-and-a-half late. I would rarely made a big deal out of it, since we only get to see each other on weekends, and I didn't want to ruin the little bit of time we had together being sulky or upset. It got to the point, after feeling disappointed and hurt time and time again, that I simply stopped being excited to see him or expecting him on time, and braced myself for it. I would just mentally tally an extra chunk of time after he said he'd arrive. I just dulled my happiness and eagerness to indifference, since it was the only way to avoid the inevitable disappointment.

 

There has been a problem of lack of communication. He is content to talk to me once, maybe twice a week, whereas I, waiting and hoping for a call, grow increasingly embittered. He is able to sit back, confident in my love for him, and look forward to Friday. Maybe it's a girl thing, but if I barely speak to him all week, I don't exactly feel lovey-dovey toward him when Friday comes, but sort of miffed. I can't help thinking, "If he loves me and cares for me as much as he says, why doesn't he want to talk to me?"

 

I spoke to him about calling a while ago. I try not to always be flinging up conflicts, but I considered it important. I've gotten him to call me more, but I can't help but feel that I am forcing him to do it -- and it's not a very nice feeling.

 

Last weekend I spoke to him about unreliability. He promised to try to change, and that I needed to give him time. I agreed that I would. A week of wonderfullness followed -- he called me every night, sometimes twice a day! I got to talk to him four hours in four days. I really felt like he was making an effort to speak to me, and for the first time in seven months I could understand what a relationship was meant to feel like: joy, without the pain.

 

Even at the time, though, that nagging feeling of disappointment to come bothered me, but I ignored it, hoping that for once, things would change.

 

On Sunday I was feeling a little down. Hormonal, I guess. He was so wonderful to me, cheering me up and making me laugh. I felt so lucky to have someone like him. Monday I was delighted that he called me again, but he simply asked if I felt better -- I told him yes, I did. After about ten minutes, he said he had to go, and maybe he'd call later.

 

Later came. I decided to call him, knowing he wasn't going to talk if I didn't. We spoke for a few minutes, but he said "Bye" and hung up before I could say Goodnight. So I sent him a message. Nothing came back. He didn't call the rest of the afternoon.

 

A horrible, sinking feeling came to me, and then anger that I'd set myself up to be disappointed again. I told him that I might call later, but that I probably wouldn't, since I knew it made no difference to him. Instead of allowing myself to feel hurt this time, I just told myself I didn't care. And it worked -- the pain left. I had a friend come over, and we laughed and goofed around, and I didn't think about it. I was so tired of the rollercoaster that I just removed myself from it altogether. I stopped caring.

 

He did call later yesterday, once he got my message, and was deeply hurt that I thought he didn't care about talking to me. He said that he rushed through his homework to have more time to talk, and that he loved every moment of talking with me, etc., etc. I explained the past events that happened, and the seemingly logical conclusion I drew from them, and he could say nothing to deny that they were true -- all he said was, "oh." While he has this solid, happy foundation with me, knowing how I care for him and how he cares for me, I don't have that. My foundation is moments of happiness quickly shadowed by doubts... excitement overtaken by disappointment, until I hardly dare to enjoy the happy moments, knowing they won't last. He called me demanding, but I really do have those emotions, and they are not without cause. Maybe wanting to talk to my boyfriend more than twice a week is demanding, I don't know. I have never dated before, and have no basis for comparison. All I know is that when he doesn't call, it feels to me like if he really cared, he would. It doesn't make sense to me that you can be thinking of someone, and caring for them, and not want to call them.

 

We talked late into the night. I suggested that maybe once he's been reliable for a long time, and I can feel confident and start daring to be happy with him, the feeling will go away. Maybe someday I'll feel toward him as he feels toward me. But as it is right now, I pull myself back whenever I feel I am getting to close to him, and that reaction has been proven wise again and again. I have lived through the hurt and disappointment; the only defense left is indifference.

 

Strange; usually after speaking it over the wall I've created melts away, and I feel the love I have for him returning. But today I still feel numb and emotionless. There is no pain. There is no disappointment. There's nothing.

 

I would hate for this to be someone that ruins our relationship. He was almost crying on the phone, telling me how strongly he feels for me, how much he loves me, etc. And when I see him, when he is in front of me and I can't have this feeling of neglect or lonliness, we are perfect together. It is only those moments of happiness, those weekends, that have kept me holding on through these long, miserable weeks. But that wall of security, of indifference, I have grows ever-stronger, and I think that someday it will be genuine and unable to be taken down.

 

Strange, that it's my only perception causing this. Part of me knows he loves me. But when his actions defy that through weeks of thoughtlessness, I just can't live with the pain. Reminding myself over and over that yes, he cares for me, doesn't fare well against actions indicating otherwise. It's easier to feel nothing. I only wish that he could learn to express his feelings for me in a way that is meaningful to me. To be there when he says he will be. To call me. To make me feel as important to him as I am.

 

Keeping the emotions all up in his head, then being hurt when I tell him that I feel neglected, is not wise. I really hope that he learns to change that before it's too late. The lack of feeling I have right now alarms me; it has never been this way before. If any of you have faced something similar, tell me: is there any hope? Will he learn to meet my needs? Will he learn to express his love in a way that means something to me?

 

Or will he figure it all out too late, and have a very happy next girlfriend?

 

I will give him some time; there is a lot of healing needing to be done. I should be heartbroken over this. I should be sad. But all I feel is tired.

[kitten chick]

It sounds like you are putting some unfair demands on him. Clearly from what you have written this man sounds like a wonderful boyfriend.

 

One of his quirks/issues is being late all the time. If you've known him for 7 months and he's consistently late then that's just how he is and you will have to accept it. Being late all the time is such a benign flaw, it could be far worse. It seems like you have the right attitude about this, take down your expectations and you will be disappointed far less. Hey, nobody's perfect.

 

It also sounds like you're asking him to call you all the time. (Correct me if I'm wrong, that's just how I read your post) You need to put in some effort and call him sometimes. I can't imagine wanting to spend hours on the phone every single day. Some days you're just going to call and have a 5 minute check in. At some point the frequent conversations that last for hours on end will have to stop...and it should by 7 months in. That's not to say that you'll never have them, they are generally just far less frequent.

 

When he said you're demanding, what he really meant was that you're being needy and it's not fair to ask him to fill your emptiness. You should feel secure and satisfied even when you're not speaking to him. Try looking up information on co-dependency. It might help you out.

 

Good luck Nur.

[Becoming]

Nur, your post speaks to me. You describe what happens when someone you love lets you down so aptly.

 

Should we expect those things? Why don't we say what it is we need from them before it gets to this point? And what if we do and they don't give it?

There's probably some deep inner work that needs done around these issues.

 

As far as his lateness, I think kc is probably right. It's just his thing. I have friends who're married, and she's always 45 mins-1 hr. late, which simply drives Mr. Punctuality crazy. I asked how he dealt with it, and he said they had a long talk about it and decided to solve the problem by taking two cars everywhere they go so that he could arrive on time and she could come later. That way he controlled what it was he needed without resenting her.

 

What is it you really need, Nur? I suspect KC is right in telling us this longing for a connection we somehow think is missing is really just an issue we're going to have to deal with instead of treating our SO's like a drink for an alcoholic. I say this not to judge but as a fellow sufferer. See my thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80936/ . I'd appreciate your insights to me as well.

[whichwayisup]

Expect less, relax and just enjoy the times you do speak.

 

He isn't one to keep intouch daily maybe. He has told you more or less how he is. You can't expect anybody to change, so quickly might I add. HIS time spent with you is special right? Enjoy that time. And when you're apart, enjoy YOUR time. Hang with friends and have other interests. I think in a way you want to be his number one all the time. Just because you think of him alot, doesn't mean that he thinks of you that same amount. That isn't negative okay, it's just that men can put stuff out of their heads and forget. Doesn't mean they don't care, just means they forgot and/or got busy with something else.

 

Try to not act on every little thing that you don't like. He could be feeling no matter what he does/says isn't enough for you, so he finds it easier just talking to you less...I hope you understand what I'm saying and I'm hoping you aren't taking this too personally, no harm intended, okay?

 

The other thing is, the NO physical stuff, no kissing and sex...That could have done him in abit too.

[Nur]

Well, it's not like I am some bottomless pit or anything. I think that my needs are actually pretty low. I am not clingy or jealous or a drama queen or anything; I just like to hear from him sometimes and it feel like it he cared as much as he claims to, he'd be there for me, and he'd make time to talk to me. It only seems logical.

 

I know that last week, I was happy. We didn't have four-hour long phone conversations; I said four hours in four days. And it wasn't necessarily the amount of time we spoke; it was just that he called. Mostly it was just for a few minutes. Whatever discrepancy between feeling ignored or lonely, though, and feeling like he was there was filled with not much effort on his part.

 

I do have a life of my own. In fact, I've been working on getting more friends and being more social. Last week it was great -- I'd be happy when away from him, with just enough contact and reminders of his presence that I didn't feel neglected or forgotten. But now I seem to be using all of these friends as a disctraction -- and they work pretty well.

 

Perhaps the problem does lie with me. I don't know. Maybe I should be content with his thoughtlessness, and his sporadic calls, and keep telling myself that it's not because he doesn't care. But somehow there is a difference between what he feels for me and how he expresses it -- I am not filled with the joy and happiness that he apparently feels. I am not codependent, either -- I was perfectly fine for eighteen years of singleness, and would be so again. I am not looking for this relationship to "complete" me. But rather than it being a pleasant warmth inside, often it's a distracting loneliness. I make myself not care if he calls or not -- that way, there is no disappointment. There is also no emotion.

 

You all say I should just accept this. I have tried to. I've tried to banish my disappointment when I don't hear from him. I've learned not to have that feeling of excitement when he says he'll come, for I already know he won't be there. I've accepted that I can feel nothing, instead. I can brace myself for him not showing up, for him not talking to me.

 

Whichwayisup, you mentioned the intimacy thing. Honestly, the week following that was the week I was talking about where he was more there than ever before. But anyway, we've pretty much stopped it. Though when I feel emptiness toward him, it doesn't exactly make me in the mood.

 

Really, I don't think I can accept and be happy with his lateness, his carelessness, his thoughtlessness. It hurts. The way to escape the pain is to escape emotion, which I have found myself capable of doing. But that only distances and alienates him from me; it does nothing to help our relationship.

 

Part of me feels guilty that I feel this way. After all, my mind knows he loves me! Our time together tells me so as well! But each week, without fail, that feeling melts away and the same old rollercoaster ride occurs. I wish I could convince myself aptly. But my logical reaction when he doesn't speak to me is that he's not thinking of me (which he's said is untrue). My logical reaction is, when he's late, that he doesn't care -- or else he'd be on time, or maybe so excited that he's early! But apparently he doesn't think that way either.

 

I don't know what to do. He's willing to try to fix whatever it is, but I don't even know if it's fixable. Why can't I just be happy? I should be. He's great. I should be happy. But I never have been -- only moments, only weekends. I feel like the foundation of my feelings toward him is dashed hope, trying to convince myself out of doubts, and not trusting fleeting moments of joy. Not a very good foundation to have, and I think most of it is rooted in his unreliablility. For seven months I have been trained not to trust excitement or joy.

 

Another strange thing is that when I am depressed (which doesn't happen very often, even for a girl) he's so wonderful and supportive. I feel so lucky to have him, and can sense how much I mean to him. But then, once I am okay, I get stuck on the back-shelf again and compartmentalized into the deal-with-later pile. I cease to be a present topic, and get pushed off into the future somewhere.

 

I've actually noticed myself becoming like that more often that I used to. It's really not like me, but it's the only way to get true attention from him. I consciously try to stop myself, for I know he'll tire quickly of always having to cheer me up, and I'm glad that I noticed it. But I wonder... why can't he just be like that? Why do I have to be in the middle of some trauma to be treated like a girlfriend?

 

For seven months I've debated and wondered what to do. I've tried so many different things. But just as being late is a part of who he is, not communicating all week just makes me feel ignored, no matter what I tell myself. It just does. All I need is the feeling that he's there, that he's making time to talk to me. I hope that is not too much to ask, because apparently I'm not very happy without it.

 

I guess I do want to feel like his #1. I'm not saying he should dump school and talk to me, or make huge sacrifices for me, but I do waht to feel like one of his top priorities. I don't like being stuck on a shelf and ignored until it is convenient for him. I don't do that to him, and I don't expect that in return.

[whichwayisup]

You have to trust that all is fine between you. He shouldn't have to reassure you so much. I hope you understand what I mean by that...

 

Sometimes things will be really really good and intense...Then it will slip off abit. Who knows, maybe he got busy with school work, or got stressed out...Those times when you miss him and feel abit insecure about the relationship - Is when you have to focus on the good stuff and trust it.

 

Tell him you just want to feel more important to him, and not so far down the list. And also tell him how good he makes you feel when he does pay you those compliments. (And you need to hear them once in a while as you can't really read his mind.)

 

I know you feel down when he isn't talking to you, like you said all that week. It's not about you - He is just living life and I'm sure you're in his thoughts. How could you not be! You're his girlfriend!!

[Nur]

I think he just assumes too much. He assumes I feel as strong and as confident about him as he does me. He assumes I can, as you said, "read his mind" about how he feels. He assumes that not showing up or not talking doesn't hurt my feelings. He assumes the relationship is fine as it is (and it IS, from his perspective) and it doesn't need tending.

 

Well, it does. Not overly much, not a ton, but it does. In our talk last night I expressed as much, and I have spoken to him about it before, but where I used to be hurt by negligence, or angry, it's just gone on too long. I just feel distant, cold, and unemotional. If he called right this second, I wouldn't be smiling as I picked up the phone. I wouldn't be angry. I would just be neutral.

 

Last night, he almost cried as he expressed how deep his emotions ran for me, and how strongly he felt, and how much he loved me. It almost felt like he wasn't talking to me. I said that I've heard that before, but that his actions just don't match. Words, words, words. They don't hold up to actions. The sincerity in his voice was true. But when why doesn't he show me?

 

I told him that he takes the way I feel toward him for granted. A relationship falls apart if not maintained. Seeing him on the weekends, or having ten-minute conversations crammed into the week, is not enough, especially when part of me feels the only reason he calls is because he's cajoled (which he hotly denies, but has done nothing to prove otherwise). Never, never, has he called on his own free will, without me having asked him to talk to me more first. Somehow, it's just not the same.

 

This is probably partially both our faults or our shortcomings. Some difference in the ways our minds work. But it's hurting us. I wish I could identify the root cause of the problem, which I suspect to be:

 

1.) My doubts, caused by seven months of unreliability (hopefully his attempt to show up when he says he will and call when he says he will will eventually dispel this foundation of uncertainty)

2.) The fact I just started school this year, and never have been super social. Fitting into a new school is very stressful, making new friends, etc. I think once I am adjusted, I will be happier overall. In fact, I know so. I have been making efforts, and they have been working fairly well. It takes time.

3.) His inability to show to me how he feels, not just tell me -- and show me in a way meaningful to me, not just when he's standing in front of me. He's good at that. He is a physical person -- to him, kissing, hugging, making out is how he expresses his emotion. For me, it is the feeling of being there for each other, being important to each other, and being dependable, mostly talking about the little things and expressing love verbally and often (with subsequent actions, of course!) Kisses and hugs for me reinforce, but are not nearly enough to sustain. And after a week of feeling neglected, I don't feel much like either.

 

Those seem the main causes to me, two of which should be solveable with time. I hope he can learn to do the third.

 

I'd like any other suggestions or input very much, and I really appreciate the quick responses. This issue is crushing what my boyfriend and I have.

[BeFree]

When I first started dating my Tony, he was the biggest flake in the world. He even had a really bad habit of breaking plans, or not showing up. It was awful. Everyone told me to get rid of him. But I saw something that I knew was special. So I kept dating him. He wouldn't call me back, he was always late, he broke plans, he disapeared. I was in a flurry. But he was always there for me if I was in a pickle, or upset, It seemed the more I harped on his not being able to keep a commitment, the worse it got. Then he let me know, he did those things because he was not in the same place as me and was unsure he wanted a girlfriend. Men are the worst communicators. Now it's been three years, he spends all his free time with me, calls me two -three times a day. He never misses a date. What I learned, I hope you can learn from..Tony wasn't ready for us to be at that stage in the relationship. Instead of telling me, he showed me. I wish I had put my glasses on. If I had pulled back and gone on with my life, he would have come around a lot faster. Take this as a big hint, not that he doesn't like you, but he is not there yet. Take a giant step back and make him chase you a little. Good luck and I hope this helps!

[Nur]

Thanks for the insight, but my situation is sort of reversed. He is the one that trailed me around for two years before I realized he liked me. He asked me out countless times, and I thought we were hanging out as friends. Finally, after weeks of hint-dropping, I finally asked him how he felt, and he told me how much he cared for me.

 

He's always been the one more "in love" in the relationship, but his actions don't give me the confidence to step up to his level. I feel like I can't trust my heart to him, because he's not dependable. He just called, and sounded so sad that it almost broke my heart. He doesn't act how he acts because he is trying to passive-aggressively back out, I think it's just how he is. It won't naturally get better with time -- I have to talk to him about it and hope that he changes.

 

I'll give it time. His call today helped dispel that lack of emotion, that emptiness that so frightened me. I care for him, and I don't want him to sound so sad like that. I know he sounds that way because of the trouble between us, and is desperate to have it resolved. Neither of us likes when conflicts arise.

[BeFree]

Oh Don't get me wrong..Tony was the first to start asking me out. And always sounded so sad when he knew he hurt me. He even cried. It wasn't until I started showing him that I want to move to the next level, that he started to pull his disapearing thing. Men get freaked out the minute they know we like them.

[Nur]

It's sort of different for me. He's always the one moving on to the next level, telling me he's keeping me... he even talks about possible marriage someday! He just assumes I am on his level, when I'm not. He doesn't realize that he has to bring me to that level; I won't magically get there and stay there through some kisses on the weekend.

 

He sounded so sad when he called me up... I feel like crap. It's hard for me to think of anything else when I hear him like that. I wish this could be worked out. I have had enough of it.

[Tangerina]

WOW everyone, I haven't finished reading all of the answers yet but THANK YOU THANK YOU. When I read Nur's original post I felt like it was me writing... I am in a 7 month bi-city/bi-college weekends only relationship at the moment and I feel exactly as she does about the calling.... but I know it is crazy because hell, when we had only been going out a month and were starting to talk about the fact that college was coming soon he said "I am not the sort of person who likes to be on the phone all of the time, especially when I am busy, but maybe we could have a good talk every other day." Reading this thread made me remember that and take it for what it was... I guess I kind of somehow thought that since we had fallen so crazy in love it would motivate him to be different... but it didn't but it doesn't mean he doesn't think about me or doesn't care... it is just how he is and he told me that... we have a great time together and I know he misses me when we are apart... Hell, I visited him this weekend and had to go to a friend's house for an hour or two but he didn't want to come since he is quitting smoking (they all smoke in that house) and he missed me while I was gone and looked at pictures of me... I am like Nur and sometimes I use sweet things like that as "ups" but when they don't come I take it as a "down" but I just need to remember that they aren't downs, they aren't anything.... in the in-between times the ups are still true, I shouldn't have to have that communicated to me all of the time... it is my style to be super connected all the time, not his.... I usually send him at least one little communication per day, like a short thinking of you e-mail or a phone call... and I would be so happy to get one back every day, but I just need to remember that that isn't his style and it doesn't mean he cares less.... Thanks everyone for reminding me of this, this was a very timely post because I was just sitting here feeling dissatisfied about this very issue. Ahhh, I can't wait for this summer when I move back to Oly and we can be together for reals....

[Tangerina]

BeFree, that is so my situation too! GRrrr! Devon totally pursued me and had to win my heart away from missing my ex and fell for me like in an instant and I was always 1 step behind but eventually would catch up to where he was in the relationship... now that we are on equal footing he is starting to be more distant and have doubts because he has me 100% now and there is no chase.... he is crazy about me, but his doubts make me sad... I think he is uncomfortable with the "settling in" phase after the courtship and it scares him a bit that this relationship now has officially gone one week longer than any other serious relationship he has been in... I wish he didn't feel like courting is over... if he wants to keep me happy he should keep it up! I guess he does, though... he gave me chocolate and yarn when I came over this weekend... wrapped in sparkle paper.... I like courting things like that... I'm taking him out to dinner this weekend instead of V-day... How do you keep things fresh and keep the courtship/seduction (and phonecalls) going after they know they have you? How do you do it without having the thing happen that we experiensed where they draw away once you are ready to move on with them?

[BeFree]

Gurl,

 

I know it. I miss that gift giving phase, I love that. Once you get past that weird stage of who is giving more attention or time than who, it gets easier. but I do have one secret. I read this amazing book. "why men love bitches" It is not about being a bitch, it's about little things that keeps him chasing you. He will start calling more and start thinking of you as his dream girl. It saved my relationship with my Tony. Not only did it save it, it's better than ever. Only thing is, I have to go back and refer to it when I start going back to my old ways. Keep me Posted

[Tangerina]

Oooh la la, any quick tips???? Main points? What's the secret?

 

 

 

I find this concept so hard since I hate the chase.... I have confidence in my ability to land a man so it has never been a thrill for me... I like to have it and enjoy it and it wierds me out that playing hard to get can make you more stimulating for someone else... but that's how it is... I know my boy always did (and still does) enjoy that challenge....

 

How do you apply that sort of thing to a relationship where there is a lot of built in physical space due to distance? It makes it hard to want to add any more space...

 

Hehe, I don't think you know all of these answers, I am just kinda rhetorical-izing.... but seriously, if you have any secrets I would love to know

[Tangerina]

Hmm.... I read a bit about the book on Amazon and it sounds like it has good advice... I think I will get it... I don't think all of that stuff would be wise with my BF just based on his own unique personality... and to top it off I love doing things like cooking for him since cooking is one of my hobbies and I love taking him out and planning romantic nights... this stuff makes me happy and I do it for that as much as I do for him... haha, sometimes I get too into planning fun things and I have to remind myself that he would be just as happy doing something boring at home... but yeah, it sounds like really good advice...

 

Makes me think of last week... he was feeling down because he was missing being single and was expressing that to me and I said "maybe you just aren't ready for this sort of thing, I think maybe I should let you go so you can do what makes you happy." and suddenly he is talking about how it makes him scared when I say that and he wants to be with me otherwise he wouldn't... the issue is far from resolved, but as soon as I said that stuff he changed his tune... I wasn't bluffing or trying to be manipulative, I just let him know that I wanted to be together but I wasn't going to hold him back against his will... and it made him remember that he wanted to be with me too....

 

The flip side is that after this conversation I was mopy/sulky for a little while and it was a huge turn-off to him... didn't make him want to comfort me or be close, just wierded him out... I wasn't trying to get attention with this either, I just had to think a bit, but the contrast between his reactions in the situations is striking...

[flowergirl]

Hey, Nur, how ya doin'? Anyway, I was like that originally with my current boyfriend, wanting to see him and talk to him all the time, and feeling emotionally insecure that he didn't call everyday. But then I came to realize that for one thing, I was putting all my emotional issues from past relationships on him, and secondly, that he wasn't responsible for making me feel emotionally secure, and that lastly, he is a good man and his actions show me he loves me, so it's small potatoes that he doesn't call everyday. The best thing about this is that he's honest that that's how he is, and sometimes he does try to call more often, but he's said he's really not a phone person. Everybody has their little social quirks, and it sounds like that's what his habits are. I really wouldn't worry about these things if all of his other actions show he loves you.

[Tangerina]

you sound like me too, flowergirl.... and it sounds like you have realized the things that I am realizing... especially the one about not putting past relationship problems on him!

[Nur]

Well, it is comforting to know I'm not the only one. And I'm glad this is helping you too, Tangerina!

 

Well, today I tried to step back and think about what happened yesterday that makes me feel as I do. I realized that I did my usual when I expect he won't call -- I braced myself for it, hardened myself up, told myself I didn't care...

 

Then, when he did call, as he's been trying to do more lately, I really didn't care! I had been reacting to his old habits, and I ended up sort of punishing him in a way for calling. I had already been so prepared to hear no word from him that when he did actually call, I didn't feel like talking since I'd spent the whole day telling myself I didn't care.

 

So I think we both have problems in this. I need to stop walling myself in, and allow change to take place. He does love to talk (he is a "phone person") and he needs to get into is new routine of being dependable and calling more. The solution will take time, and we both need to work on our prospective parts.

 

Also, my birth control pills are making me a lot more hormonal than I've ever been. I find myself moody and depressed around the time of my period, and around ovulation, worsened by my mild SADD. It's not fair to him to have to live through that, so I need to work on controlling my moods and emotions -- recognizing when they are hormone-driven -- something I've never had to do before. So I'll have to give him patience being a "better boyfriend" and he needs to give me patience learning to be accustomed to my newly more active hormones.

 

When he calls tonight, I'll tell him. Hopefully he won't be alarmed by the two teary voicemail messages I left eariler apologizing when I realized that I'd been sort of a jerk... (my emotions all made sense at the time, and had logical backing -- I don't deny that -- but I never stopped to think about the fact that he was working to change them even as I complained!) That only became clear as the hormones subsided. :/ It's like every slight, every bad move, was exaggerated out of proportion and made a much bigger deal than it should have been.

[whichwayisup]

Start exercising, and doing yoga to help relieve the moods, depression feeling and the SAD. Also, start taking B12 and keep up on your vitamins. Drink alot of water too! I find this helps me during my PMS days and stuff. And I can relate to the SAD as well. Just really have to push yourself to DO things instead of sit, think and worry.

[Tangerina]

Wow, Be Free, I just went and bought the book and went and read some and I think it has already helped me! The boy called (because I left a message asking him to) and the phone rang while I was in the bookstore reading so I waited til I was outside to call him back... got the message machine and was like, ****, I shouldn't try to call again, but then I was like WTF, we are in a long distance long term relationship and I know he just doesn't get good reception in the house, so I tried again on the landline... we chatted a bit, it was good... and then I did have to ask him if he was coming to visit Friday so we could have a Valentine's dinner and he said "I really love spending time with you, but I have so much to do so I think I am coming Saturday during the day, but maybe we can have dinner that night... oh, the party is that night? well, maybe we can do somthing like write cards for each other then..." Normally I would have pouted that he couldn't come on Friday... but I just said, that's cool, I am really looking forward to seeing you on Saturday! Even though I felt a little sad because it made me realize we will only have one night together until the 24th (which is a long ways away, boo) I felt good because I realized that usually when I pout the "I miss you" doesn't come accross, it comes accross more as pressure that makes him feel guilty and stressed... I am hoping to be more relaxed in the 2 weeks and that he will call me more without me having to ask since he will have a chance to miss me.... so we chatted a little bit more and then he had to go since he was busy and he says "you know I love talking to you, but I gotta go, I love you, have a good night..." so I said the same back... I felt pretty satisfied with that conversation since I am trying to focus on the fact that he does love talking to me and he is busy and leave it at that instead of thinking "well, if he really wanted to we could talk more..." which is silly cuz of course he wants to, but we both have a lot going on! Also, in the next 2 weeks I am thinking that I will not make plans for the 24th (even tho I know by then we will be dying to see each other) since I always make plans way in advance so I have something to look forward to so I don't miss him as much... I am just going to let him bring it up even tho it will be my turn to go visit him... let him say "I miss you" or "when can we hang out next" or "wish you were here" before I bring up... well y'know, I can come visit on the 24th.... so we will see how it goes... I am going to try to be less needy of his time and be confidant in the ways that he does show his love (and still spoil him a bit because he likes it and he spoils me too, so that is good...) anyways, thanks so much for the book reccomendation... so far it is really good... tho so far the book is more about casual dating.... 7 months in the tips about serving bad food to get him to take me out don't really work since a.) I'm the one with the money and b.) gourmet cooking is one of my hobbies.... or the things about not seeming interested... I mean, he is my boyfriend that I am in love with so of course I am interested... but the advice about not being clingy is way good... Also, I keep reminding myself that him not bending over backwards to see me every weekend doesn't mean he doesn't care... actually my biggest fear is that he will forget me during those times... be he said from the outset of the relationship that when it turned long distance he would want to talk every other day and visit every other week and that would work for him... he was the one who asked for the long distance thing in the first place and he knew what his communication/visiting expectations were even then....

[justagirl1121]

yeah i know what you all mean. i was/am in a similar situation where i became friends with someone and i started to have feelings for him. i would never have thought twice but he started to slowly move in and persue me and up until he made hsi move i wasnt sure, but i was hoping, but then he kind of crushed it by saying he wasnt interested in anything (with anyone) and now is ignoring me.

 

time and again this happens, i dont udnerstand why. i am like why even bother. getting hurt constantly (when that is what they say is the last thing they want to happen) just gradually builds and builds. if we had no men, we'd be a lot happier (thats me now, maybe not tomorrow tho)

[Nur]

Hey BeFree, what are some of the things that book talks about, anyway? Just out of curiosity. I don't think acting bitchy would particularly endear me to my BF.

[BeFree]

I totally understand worrying about not wanting to read the book because of it's title. When my mother gave it to me, I did not want to read it. But I did, thank you baby Jesus! The book is actually about being really nice. Always polite and grateful when necessary. But it is mostly about putting yourself first. Never cancel a hobby or plans for a man. Do not call him back right away when you miss their call. Allow yourself to miss their call now and then. If they disapoint you, dont nag them how you want them treat you better. Show them you are worth more, by ignoring him for a couple of days. I can't tell you how great this book is. My favorite story is about a woman who decided to keep her plans to host a tupaware party instead of going on a cruise with a man she had jsut started dating. He was so weirded out that she had choosen her party over him, he left the cruise early to see her. Best Book EVER.

[Tangerina]

Wow, I've totally read half of it now, and I really do think that it is great.... it is really helping me see small ways to be more confidant and put less pressure on him in ways that won't make anything better... it makes really good points about how talking about feelings all of the time can kill a relationship... that is a good reminder since when something is bugging you it is so tempting to pick at it forever... I think a big message in the book in all ways is that actions speak louder than words.... don't tell him he needs to spend more time or energy on you, show him you are worth it.... it is also so simple but a really good point is "don't work on the relationship, work on yourself first"... I realized that a lot of the things in the book are things that my boyfriend has actually been telling me... to be more decisive, less submissive (out of bed at least... ) and to stand up for myself more often... I also realized that it makes him uncomfortable to a certain degree when I do nice things for him because he is the sort of guy that believes that favors put the other person in your debt, so when people do things for him he feels like he needs to do an equal or opposite thing for them... I need to back off a bit with that stuff and space it out more whether it is cooking or little gifts or whatever...

 

I wish it talked a bit more about verbal communication, though, as opposed to just the non-verbal stuff.... like how to say..."look, I expect you to go out with me and write me a card cuz it's Valentine's Day even though you don't think it is a real holiday and that you don't need a silly holiday to be romantic... since it exists, I want to do it" without cajoling or whining.... I guess I just need to read the section about nagging, haven't got there yet...

 

Yah, the Tupperware party story was the best.... that was awesome... though it did make me want to go on a cruise....

 

Hehe, oooh, and the boy just called me to tell me he is having a happy day and had a fun evening last night and that he loves me and can't wait to see me on Saturday... he is not coming Friday so he can do homework and hang with his guy friend and I just played it cool like it didn't make me sad at all to wait an extra day to see him.... which I think was right on cuz I could tell he almost felt a little guilty saying it like he was afraid that I might pout a bit.... and I am going to let him call me until then... he is always so much better to talk to when I let him call since he is in the mood to talk, whereas if I call he might be busy or cranky or tired....