I'm afraid that if I call her it will only push her further away

[Becoming]

Hmmm. I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusing home. I thought I recognized the patterns we learned in order to survive.

 

I won't lie to you: this past year's therapy has been very difficult, but I am discovering me in a way I never could as a child. It's worth all the pain. (Though some days, yes, I wonder. ) I saw on another of your threads that you were asking about meds. I hope your dr. prescribed something to help you through this terrible pain.

 

Divorce for those of us who were abused as children triggers all the past stuff on top of just the normal grief of divorce, which lays a lot of people low.

 

I cannot stress enough the need to learn to be good to yourself and learn what that even means!

 

I'm snowed in this a.m. but know there are prayers of intercession being offered up on your behalf. Find a good church during this time and grow closer to the only thing I've found to be with us when no one else is--God.

[MisterX]

scary x8- it took me about forever to understand your handle..

 

anyway..i'm am in a tough boat like you..and i just posted my saga..anyway..i have been living in a "not knowing what she is thinking" state since our seperation in dec..

 

yesterday i pushed and took a risk and was devastatingly shot down..it was horrible..i am miserable..but i'm still here...we have 2 kids so that makes everything much harder.. and my primary fear of hurting them(too late!!) is one of the drivers for me to make our situation more like a game

 

anyway...i think honesty and"game playing" go hand in hand...you don;t have to lie..she knows how you feel..etc..

 

i hope the best for you..no right or wrong answer..its like a rollercoaster when you love somebody that doesnt love you back..especially after a long marriage

[Xillr8ng]

Thnx again becoming.....Ya know "SNOW" is a four lettered word to a Floridian, but I'll forgive you this time ,LOL...Misterx you and I are experiencing the "don't know zone" I agree .It's the worst place on the planet to be...I mean even if it was the worst of news,at least it's news...There would be no more guessing and we could move on.And I love rollercoasters!!!!!But I don't care for rollercoasters of LOVE...I am looking forward to setting my deadline to the end of the week.That will give her time to make the appointment with the MC like she agreed to last week and the deadline will be up for her to respond to the date set by the attorney's.I feel like this week will be the last hopes that I will expend concerning reconciliatin in this marraige.I feel that if she doesn't make a move by say Wednesday,I should take it as a firm rejection of solution and withdraw completely of any hopes to save us.BTW Misterx,what risk did you take???II will keep you all up to date as things unfold.Please continue suggestions if you have any, thnk you.

[Xillr8ng]

I am so tired of dreaming of my wife...I woke up this morning releaved that she was beside me and my stomach sank and my heart skipped a beat and I cried hard when I realized that she wasn't there,again..it was a dream...These dreams are killing me and I've tried to fall asleep thinking of other things...Other things like my business taking a nose dive,the bills not getting paid,the outstanding balance I owe my supplier,my only employee is now in jail and I have no one to help me now.This sever case of Impetigo on my arms is not going away even with all the antibiotics I've taken..I think of other things before I fall asleep. And she keeps dominating my dreams...I have not heard from her now in almost a month...She has not responded to her attorney and the deadline set by my attorney is now up.She has not responded to the MC yet, like she said she would.I have maintained NC without letup but I want to call...SO BADLY I WANT to call...I want to call and even if she doesn't answer I will get to hear her voice on her message...The urge to call is extreme and I know it will only hurt me and or my chances...Why can't I just accept the reality of this divorce??

[MisterX]

hey i have been following your stuff..you are not alone...i am feeling for you and i wish you the best

 

there are people here going thru the same stuff you are..and more importantly there are people in our lives who care about us..

 

my therapist said on tues.."who wants to be with somebody who doesnt want to be with you??..my response was me!!! she said that wasnt really a question..it was a statement.. her point was why do i want to be with somebody who doesnt want to be with me ??? this is a big part (i think) of what you've got to come to terms with ..not saying its easy or solves anything...but it helps me focus on what i really want and how to try to get it..of course dont listen to me!!!! i'm not getting anything i want right now!!! LOL so i cant give you advice just some support and best wishes

 

if you are feeling like i am feeling then you know how incredibly soul crushing this all is and all i can hope is that there is a day in the future when both of us can say we are better people than when we started and let the chips fall where they may..i'm not there yet and i know you arent either but in the end we can only control how we act and it seems you are trying to do everything you possibly can to be the best person you can..after that what else can you do?

[Ladyjane14]

You're dreaming about her all the time because you're thinking about her all the time. STOP DOING THAT!!

 

It sounds like you've got plenty of things in your life that need your attention. Maybe now is a good time to consciously redirect your thought process. Get involved in your own daily life. Take this wasted energy and reharness it for better use.

 

If you allow yourself to wallow, guess what? ....you're gonna spend alot of time wallowing. Be firm with yourself and take charge of your life. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by reinvesting in YOU.

 

Confidence is attractive. And your confidence in yourself will increase every day when you're looking at the man in the mirror and saying "Good Job!" to him.

[greenshift]

Don't call her. If you can't help it, call a friend instead, or a family member, and talk to them until the urge passes.

[Xillr8ng]

Thanks Green......Thanks LadyJ ,I see your point....I will be trying your suggestions immediately...Well ,the MC just left here and left her another message for her to call him...No call back at all..."ouch"...and She and her attorney have not yet responded to anything at all and the deadline is up so now I guess we file another petition and if no answer in ten days or so,we ask a judge to sign off on the divorce ,leaving her with NOTHING...I am shocked and so is the MC.He says he has never seen a woman just give up like this after so strongly proceeding to divorce...WTH is she thinking???Why no response???Why agree to see MC and then ignore his calls???Maybe she is thinking that I'll back down from divorcing.WITH Sending the all the letters and flowers and all the attempts to reconcile with MC ,might I be giving her the impression that I'll try to stop proceedings>>>> might she be waiting til the pen is in her hand to speak up and reconcile???Is she just DONE...I'm going crazy here.....any thoughts to ease my mind???????????

[greenshift]

I have no idea what' she's thinking. My best guess is that she's not sure she's ready to make this official. That could be for emotional or financial reasons.

 

I can't give you legal advice, but take care of yourself. Go out, see a movie. Have dinner with a friend you haven't seen in awhile. Try and relax, as futile as that may be.

 

Don't leave her another message about the MC. She knows about the counsellor - she'll either call him, or not. You can't affect that in a positive manner at this point. Calling, for *any* reason, is just going to diminish the odds of an outcome in your favor.

[Xillr8ng]

She told my cousin Friday that she knows that everyone wants to see us back together but she does not see that happening....I am crushed again but I am finally done trying....I sent her a blank card yesterday that said.....

Suzi, after hearing from Steve that you are very serious about your decision to move on ,I am satisfied and I am comfortable that I have tried everything possible to save our marraige, and I wish you the very best.

Mark

 

 

I thank every one of you that helped me....

[destination_unknown]

I had been reading your thread and wondering how you were since you last posted.

 

I am sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment but at least you feel like you did your best as you said to your card. I am in kind of the same situation as you, though i wasnt married to my ex or had as long a relationship. Trying to show them that you have changed and finding out that it is just too late for the other one to forgive you is really difficult to come to terms with.

 

Are u ok?

[Becoming]

Man, you have done everything you could. Let it go. Mourn it and walk away knowing that, accepting repsonsibility for what is your part in what went wrong (as you have), and keep working on changing for the better.

 

Move forward as quickly as possible with the divorce now at your urging so you can get this pain behind you. Clear her and her stuff out of your life however you have to. If she won't come get her things by a reasonable date you both agree to, put them out on the curb and let her know they're there if she wants them.

 

It doesn't look like it now, but this whole part of your life is opening up new possibilities for the future. Hold fast to that hope and just keep walking toward the light of a new day dawning. Step by step by step.

[Xillr8ng]

Trying to show them that you have changed and finding out that it is just too late for the other one to forgive you is really difficult to come to terms with.

 

Are u ok?

....Very very very difficult to come to terms with....It's the very essence of the word "UNFAIR"...I am NOT o.k. at all, but I do thank you for asking.I will always wonder if she shed a single tear reading that last card or did she laugh or did she show it to her freinds as a party joke???I guess it doesn't matter so why should I waste my time thinking about it,right?That last card gives me the closer I need to move forward and indeed ,I am very positive in my heart ,that I can go the rest of my life knowing that I tried everything to salvage this marraige.

 

Oh and thank you again becomming

[MisterX]

xilr8-

 

i am feeling your troubles very much...you sure seem like you are doing everything you can and there comes a timewhen you've done everything!!! i am going thru it now, but i dont think that when this happns that you really know when enough is enough...

 

or maybe its just impossible to "accept" its enough..you always feel like you could do more..its a bad feeling..you really dont know what she's thinking and that causing you pain too

 

i hope the best for you

[Xillr8ng]

xilr8-

 

i am feeling your troubles very much...you sure seem like you are doing everything you can and there comes a timewhen you've done everything!!! i am going thru it now, but i dont think that when this happns that you really know when enough is enough...

 

or maybe its just impossible to "accept" its enough..you always feel like you could do more..its a bad feeling..you really dont know what she's thinking and that causing you pain too

 

i hope the best for you

 

You will know when enough is enough as I did...It just hit me and I went numb...I do NOT harbor any regrets or guilt anymore and I do not chase any hopes that we will be together again...I am still very hurt that I didn't get a chance to mend things but my love for her to be happy ,is stronger than my love to have her back...I will be boxing up her things today and I'm sure it's gonna take all that I have to get through it...I am VERY scared that she might try to contact me..I pray that she just leaves me be.I have NO desire to talk to her anymore and I hope that she does not stall the divorce in any way....I too hope the best for you and please try to remain strong.Please remember to think before speaking and meditate before doing...The one thing I can feel good about is that I did not show any anger,resentment,frustration,bitterness or blame thru out this whole thing.I said nothing that I could regret later.Keep your chin up and I will be thinking about you.I look forward to your posts.... Thnx again

[Becoming]

Prayers for a tough day. And even if she does contact you, that doesn't mean you have to respond. Writing is easier with re: to arrangements to get her things, so you might just email her so you can heal.

[Xillr8ng]

Funniest thing the other day....bare with me a sec...My wife and I live average with both cars average 12 years old model /honda /toyota,anyway not rich by any means.My sister met this rich guy that let her borrow his new white Cadilac 2005 SRX SUV...Very sharp looking suv...So I borrow it Tuesday and while I'm driving it with sun roof open and windows down -music blairing,I look over and next to me is my wife's room mate driving in the next lane!!!!...(HOLEYSUHMOKES)She speeds up next to me to get a second look..I sped up and pretended I didn't see her but I wouldv'e loved to have been the fly on the wall when she went home and told my wife...My wife's room mate has not emailed me since the divorce started,, UNTIL last night...theEmail was just forwarded spam stuff with no text but I can see the ground work being laid for me to respond...LOL...And I'm NOT going to..I'd LOVE TO KNOW WHAT MY WIFE IS THINKING!!!

.Anyway,my lawyer filed MOTION to Compel yesterday and still no response from wife or her attorney (48 days now) take care all.....

[Becoming]

:laugh:

 

Now, let's just hope your W doesn't think she can get it when you divorce!

 

Do keep us updated.

 

And keep living well.

[Xillr8ng]

:laugh:

 

Now, let's just hope your W doesn't think she can get it when you divorce!

 

QUOTE]

She knows I don't have any way of affording it!!!!She probably thinks it belongs to a girlfriend,wouldn't you think????

Anyway.----Her room mate is Emailing the s*** out of me....twelve emails yesterday...nothing but goofy s*** but I know she (and maybe my wife) are just WAITING for me to respond....I don't think I should,wouldn't that be considered breaking NC????????

[Becoming]

Your instincts are probably dead-on about this one.

 

Let 'em stew and don't respond. It just keeps everything all stirred up inside you.

 

In the meantime, enjoy the chuckle every time you get one.

[greenshift]

Buddy, you are quite literally in the driver's seat. =)

 

Let 'em stew. She's got it coming. The only reason to talk to her would be if she honestly wanted to work on your relationship - that's not what this is about. She's jealous, and curious, and surprised that you're apparently doing so well without her.

 

Let her think that. She's been pushing you around long enough. Just smile, and keep up NC.

[Xillr8ng]

You just made ME smile.......Thank you.....I guess curious and jealous is a "good" thing.....?........(let 'em stew)....I know it's burning their A$$E$,literally....I know I'd be torqing my jaw if the shoe were on the other foot....

[greenshift]

Yep. This is nearly equivelant to her seeing you on a date with a really, really hot babe (Apologies to the female members of our audience of "babe" offends). Just go with it.

 

=)

[Xillr8ng]

I was right!!!! Her room mate has made direct contact thru email.....I told you I saw it coming!!!!She is asking about my sister,which is trivial....DO I ANSWER with a short reply or ignore it all together!????....HELP.....

[Becoming]

I'd ignore.