violet_21 Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I am at the divorce stage with my MM. It has been 11 months since the seperation. We have been together for 3 1/2 years.. he is trying to get geared up for the actual divorce, but is terrified. He doesn't want to talk about it with me, and gets very upset and defensive if I try to bring it up. I want to go to the lawyers with him to find out exactly what the procedure is but he seems not to want me to go. *sigh*.. I am trying to deal with it, its been a long hard road and I am wanting to get on with our lives and get this over with. I am sick of being a secret, not knowing his parents etc.. *double sigh*.. Is anyone else going though this, I need a friend in similar situation I think that it will be roughly 2 - 3 more months until he tells her about me, and we are able to get on with things. Then there is the whole issue of his children, and getting to know them, hoping they aren't going to hate my guts etc. I am feeling anxious and worried, apprehensive.. I am supposed to move in after as well, we are fencing his yard for my dog and taking out the carpets etc (at his house) while we wait for the divorce. I have not shared a bed (for actual sleeping) much before with anyone so I am worried how thats gonna go. lol. maybe seems stupid but hey sleep is important! (any one else go through that?) He is really stressed out as well, having trouble concentrating at work and our sex life is awful. This is a really really hard thing to go though. I've bought us a juicer trying to get some extra vitamins in us.. but anyways. Please someone, anyone out there going through this? *sighs*
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 It has been 11 months since the seperation. We have been together for 3 1/2 years.. he is trying to get geared up for the actual divorce, but is terrified. He doesn't want to talk about it with me, and gets very upset and defensive if I try to bring it up. I want to go to the lawyers with him to find out exactly what the procedure is but he seems not to want me to go. *sigh*.. Let him do his thing - and you may not want to hear this but after his marriage ending, he needs time to grieve and deal with the feelings of losing his wife and marriage. Even though it seems he wanted to end it, it is still a loss so you have to understand right now it is not about you. With that being said, that also means he doesn't want to involve you in the divorce proceedings, be part of the discussions that go on. It's his problem, he is going to deal with it on his own...You being there at the proceedings will only make it worse for him (and you) because you're the OW and his soon to be exwife wouldn't appreciate it either. I also have to say too, emotionally I'm sure this is taking alot out of him, so if you love him as much as you feel you do, just back off him and let him handle it all on his own. Most men prefer to handle things that way anyway. I am trying to deal with it, its been a long hard road and I am wanting to get on with our lives and get this over with. I am sick of being a secret, not knowing his parents etc.. *double sigh*.. He needs time. And you also have to realize too, ending a marriage and then jumping into a full blown relationship IS hard to do. Even though you two have been together for a while, he needs time to deal with the loss. His parents are probably upset about the divorce. You need to respect that and leave it alone. He may not want to tell them for a while so be prepared for that. Again, this isn't about you - It's about him and his changes he has to get used to. Then there is the whole issue of his children, and getting to know them, hoping they aren't going to hate my guts etc. You need to not get involved with his children for a while...Those kids are going to be crushed, so don't go there yet in your mind. Do not try to be their mom - It all has to be on their terms. And also be prepared to always have his exwife, the mother of his children in your life too. Forever. I am feeling anxious and worried, apprehensive.. I am supposed to move in after as well, we are fencing his yard for my dog and taking out the carpets etc (at his house) while we wait for the divorce. I have not shared a bed (for actual sleeping) much before with anyone so I am worried how thats gonna go. lol. maybe seems stupid but hey sleep is important! (any one else go through that?) He is really stressed out as well, having trouble concentrating at work and our sex life is awful. This is a really really hard thing to go though. I've bought us a juicer trying to get some extra vitamins in us.. but anyways. Please someone, anyone out there going through this? You better read up some threads here in this section to get a feel of what is next to come. I will find some links and put them up for you to read. I've read enough stories of OW to see how this usually goes...I don't want to burst your bubble, but don't expect to move in and have life be all fine right away. There are TONS of changes to get used to. Maybe not for you, but for him. Good luck and keep posting.
Sami_D Posted February 8, 2006 Posted February 8, 2006 I'd agree with much of what WWIU has said. I'd also suggest that you go to http://www.gloryb.com/ and find the forum called 'Surviving Divorce' ~ it's for exactly this purpose... discussion forum for people whose SO is going through a divorce. There's also a book which is highly recommended by those in your position. It's called 'How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man Without Losing Your Mind', by Robyn Todd and Lesley Dormen. Personally, my MM has just begun talking with his W about the fact he wants a separation. So I'm WAY behind you, but (hopefully) heading in the same direction. Good luck.
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